A new role to play, a new routine to learn, that was the goal. Being known as the new ruler came surprisingly easy to me.
I had everything I wanted, now I needed to figure out what to do with that power.
But what I was, unfortunately understanding was that power is easy to obtain but respect was something harder to gain.
Being king meant I was the authority, but it didn't mean I was respected by anyone.
The guards would whisper behind my back, the servants gave me sneers whenever I passed, even the people I would see to in court would treat me like I wasn't anyone. In a way, it felt as if I was still a prince.
This irritated me to no end. I would wonder about how to obtain their respect, but they were already looking down on me as if I was my mother. In some ways it is my mother's fault they treat me so poorly. They believe I will be exactly like her, therefore they have no faith in my ability to rule. I did credit some their disrespect due to my age; they still saw me as a child, not a man. I was only two months away from manhood, but not quite there yet.
Still, I found the behavior unacceptable.
"How am I suppose to rule efficiently if they refuse to pay me any mind?" I asked Emmony once.
"Simple: gain their respect. Respect can only be gained and not merely by a crown."
My mother never taught me how to gain respect, only how to take control of the population.
I sat next to Emmony and let out a heavy sigh.
"This is just another stone to be thrown my way."
She touched my shoulder in her reassuring way. "And stones can be avoided. In fact you'll have so many stone that you could build something with them."
I shared her smile as I looked at her. So simple in her advice giving, yet so wise.
I decided to take her advice. I had to earn the people's respect, not expect it from them.
My attitude was changed the next day as I prepared to hear from a commonfolk in court. It would start with one small change then grow from there.
The guards brought in a man with scars on his arms and face. He gave me a scornful look, but didn't speak until I addressed him. He didn't even bow.
"What complaint do you bring to me today?"
I tried to sound in control, like the authority I was.
"Many, but one in particular regarding my farm, your majesty."
His voice came across as a sneer with every word he spoke. I ignored it, though, and continued.
"In what regard to your farm do you have a complaint?"
"I have experienced many robberies on my farm. Livestock being stolen, fields being burned. I would like for some assistance with protecting my farm."
As while he spoke, he carried a tone of disregard about me, as if he expected I would fulfill his demands.
Once he finished, I waited a moment before responding in a mild mannered voice.
"You ask for my assistance yet you come to me with an ungrateful attitude. If I were to-"
"I expected nothing of you, your majesty." He said mockingly.
My usual irritations were getting to me, but I tried to hold back.
"I gave no such permission to interrupt me. This conversation is leaving a bitter-"
This time I cut myself off.
An ominous sensation was beginning to rise in me again, one I was sure I had lost touch with. My body began to react in its usual way: the start of a painful headache, hands feeling like they were on fire, the overwhelming sense that came over me. I knew if I tried to hold it back it would just come out stronger.
I got up to leave the room, my steps somewhat unsteady, as I headed towards the door.
"Have my words caused you to flee?" The man taunted.
I didn't respond, all I wanted was to escape before something slipped.
"This is why a child should not rule over a kingdom as vast as Edalirwen." He said it more aloud to himself and the guards than me. With a sneer in his voice he added, "Especially not a bastard child."
His words affected me, but my mind was preoccupied with controlling what was quickly slipping out of my control.
Almost to the door, the pain felt nearly unbearable. The guards standing post were snickering under their breath at the man's comments. I ignored that as well, reaching for the handle.
"A king should be brave, not a coward, shouldn't he?" The man boomed.
That was what stopped me in place. The pain I had once been writhing under, was momentarily numb. The room felt cold and I could hear my heart in my ears.
Right then, all I could think about was my mother. The wording might have been slightly different but it was exactly something she would say.
Slowly turning around to face the jeering man, all I could see was my mother. The way it was said was exactly how she would say it- a tone so daunting that it could cut the air.
My hands were shaking again, but for an entirely different reason.
I was brought back to reality only by a blood-curdling cry that came from the man. He knelt on the floor, screaming as he too realized what happened.
A dagger sunken into his chest, caused dark crimson to spill from him. Trying to pull the dagger out, he only caused more harm and pain to himself.
As I watched him cry in anguish, I realized that I was the one who inflicted such pain on him. I had thrown the weapon faster than my mind could comprehend.
So many emotions and thought ran through my head once I realized this, but one thought came to the forefront. I wasn't in pain anymore. The dark sensation had faded away as if I had released it. My hands weren't burning, my head stopped pounding, the overwhelming sense had gone, I was free.
My body was acting again before my mind could even catch up, as I walked over to the man and in one quick movement, pulled out the dagger. This time he collapsed on the floor, writhing in pain.
I faced the guards, who replaced their grinning expressions with ones of discipline.
"Take this man to the dungeon and shackle him well."
My voice was calmer and steadier than I thought was possible. I didn't even have to try to sound superior.
I passed by both guards as they hurried to pull the man to his feet and drag him off.
The bloody dagger in my hand trickled warm blood down my arm. Inspecting the pool of blood in the center of the room, I was only slightly amazed at my calm composer. I had this feeling before- it wasn't new. I'd had it when I stabbed a man in his genitals. This resulted in the same feeling I was currently experiencing.
I felt invincible, untouchable, in control finally. I didn't need respect to order those guards to carry that man to the dungeon, fear had done that for me. Fear was far greater than any emotion one could feel. If I could that to that man, what could I do to them? That was what drove people.
As I sat on my throne, inspecting the bloody dagger, a small sense of guilt filled me, but only for a moment as I remembered the lack of pain I felt.
Whatever was rising up, had faded away, leaving me in rather complacent mood. It was just one more stab to my mother. She never thought I could do this, she thought I was too weak, but I found out a surprising revolution.
When you've reached the bottom the only place to go is up, and when you're at the top, the only place to go is down.

The first thing Emmony did when she saw me, was wrap her arms around me and pull me into a hug. Her eyes were shining as she asked me how my day was.
"It was...rewarding in a way." I said sitting down.
My mind was still occupied with thoughts about the court session earlier. I was torn for so many reasons.
"Everything okay?" She asked settling down next to me. "You seem distant."
"Of course, I'm just tired. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind right now."
"What kind of thoughts?"
She leaned forward, focusing her attention on me. I would usually have no reservations about explaining my thoughts to her, but today the words wouldn't come. There was nothing I felt like sharing, so I simply shook my head.
"Trivial matters."
I gave her a reassuring smile before excusing myself.
It was unusual for us not to reveal everything to each other, but I was afraid she wouldn't understand- not fully- if I told her what I had done and the feeling that resulted from it. There were some things better left in the dark.
When remaking the castle, I added a garden balcony overlooking the distance hills and valleys- in the distance, Sagegate Mountains stood with grandeur. It was the perfect spot to hideaway and reflect. Roses were the main flower that grew in the garden- I liked them black instead of red or white- they would often give off a strong odor that drew me to the quiet place.
Yet even with the tranquility of the garden my conscious remained at war with itself. There was an immediate guilt that followed me from the throne room and clung like a dark mass. But then there a feeling of no remorse. Each side battled for the dominant emotion and I couldn't understand it.
"What I did today was not bad. I exercised my authority- that was all."
Even as I reassured myself, I couldn't shake the eerie feeling settling over me.
"It was just one stab"
To the chest. It was to the chest which might be fatal.
Thoughts flew through my mind as I paced back and further. Anxiety became present and with anxiety came the inevitable.
It built up in me the same as it did in the morning, except stronger. The pain that followed nearly crippled me.
Everything in me wanted to release the darkness, to just let it escape and slip from my fingers. No one would be watching or judging- I was alone. I decided to release it and let it drain from me, but just as I was about to, a noise interrupted me.
"Your majesty?"
It was a guard. I tried not to reveal the pain in my voice as I spoke.
"Over here."
He bowed, something that was uncommon for the guards to do for me.
"I have news from the dungeon."
"What kind of news?"
My hands felt as if the skin had been burnt from them, but I maintained my composer.
"The prisoner is deceased." His words hung in the air like thick clouds. "He bled to death a few hours after we shackled him."
I didn't know the first emotion that ran through me- if I even had one- I simply stared out into the valley.
"Was he in pain?" I asked still looking out into the valley.
"All the way till death, my king."
I sat in silence for another minute. Finally I turned my attention to the guard.
"Bring me his bones."
"Your majesty?"
My voice became sharp as I stood up. This took the guard by surprise and he shrunk back.
"Did I stutter? Bring me his bones, even his skull."
"H-How?"
"I don't care how, try anything you want, just bring me his bones once you're finished."
Nodding and bowing, he scurried away.
I sat back down feeling the same calmness which I felt in the throne room, overtake me. It was almost euphoric to my system. No more pain or loss of control. The darkness was subdued and I could finally be at peace with myself.
I'd forgotten about the battle in my mind- I had already chosen what to feel.
It was an unusual outlet for relieving the pain and anxiety, but it worked well. It dealt with the pain and that was all I wanted.
"Respect or fear?"
For once, I figured out what my mother was trying to teach me, but I could take it one step further. I was in control of the people, the guards, and more importantly, myself.
"Fear."