I'm sat in the courtyard sipping on a sweet tea, still in my pj's.  The seagulls squawking as they perch on the roof echo through my sleep-deprived head.  Bell and Dad, with the overly cheerful barmaids, are setting up ready to open so I've decided to hide away in the courtyard.  I nearly jump out my skin as I hear the gruff voice behind me.

"Why did you wake ?" I turn but need not bother as I already know it's Alto.

"Why did I wake ? Because it's morning, it's generally how it works," but his scowl that is not covered by his usual heavy hiding hood that he has down, shows he is in no mood for my fantastic cutting wit.

"Last night".

I shift awkwardly and sip slowly at my tea to drag out answering him.  "I had a nightmare" I mumble into my mug.  His blank stare pierces into me as if waiting for me to digress further I can feel myself cringe at the thought of discussing my private dream.  "It was about my mother".

He effortlessly climbs over the bench onto the table until he is sat straight in front of me.  "This upset you ?" he inquires, as if not able to grasp what I'm saying.

"Yes Alto, it was about the man who got her hooked on drugs".

The sides of his mouth raise in a proud grin that he understands what I'm saying.  "So you wish to find him and kill him".

I feel my jaw drop by his bold and quite easily remarked statement of me murdering someone, all words are lost on me.

"I will help you kill him" he promises as if it's the most normalised thing to do, I start to flap my hands whilst over animatedly hissing.  "No.  No.  No". Now he looks shocked, "Alto I don't want to kill him, I'm not a killer. I want him punished."

He shrugs.  "Fine, so punish him by killing him.  An eye for an eye".

"If I do that then I'm no better than him".

He pushes back the scraggly hairs, that have fallen around my face from my loose ponytail, to behind my ears.  "Jane, you are better than him, you are better than everyone". I feel my heart melt a little from these sweet words from this depraved psychopath with questionable morals who is no stranger to death, be it foul play or not.  The realisation that Bell is in the bar starts to dawn on me and I crane my neck to look in the glass doors to see if she's in eyeshot.  If she walks out now I can only imagine her reaction seeing us together.  Alto sits silently studying my anxious face as if reading my thoughts.  "Bell has spoken to you hasn't she".

It's written over my face but I still try to deny it;  "Spoken to me? ... spoken about what ?"

But he's not buying it "You are terrible liar, I can tell she has, your scent gives you away".He leans in closer and sniffs at my hair, his face working its way down mine his lips graze past my ear, which sends a shiver down my body until he's sniffing at my neck almost nuzzling at it.  I'm frozen trying not to react to give myself away but at the same time yearning for him not to move away, physically wanting him close to me.  His voice, low with his lips against my neck, he asks me again.  "Bell spoke to you about me".

With all the confidence, I can muster and fake, I reply with a simple. "Yes".

"She told you to stay away, but what did you say, Jane ?"  He's now looking me directly in the eyes the intensity is intimidating, yet somehow pulling me in. 

I know there is very little point lying to him.  "I told her if you speak to me I will speak to you, I don't have many people that care about me if you care if you're nice to me I'll be ..."

His voice becomes softer, showing his chink in his armour "if I'm nice to you, you will be nice to me".

I nod; "but also I said I won't encourage you, I won't approach you first". An intense nausea feeling from my stomach gurgles up my throat, have I just ended this before it has begun?  He now knows I'm not allowed to pursue him because of Bell and what I've promised her.

He jumps up without saying a word, then slips past me, I feel deflated but try not to show it. This is for the best, I promised Bell.  He climbs over the wall in an effortless grace without even a glance backwards.  Before I even have a chance to feel like a sack of crap Bell rushes out rambling about lazy barmaids, I nod and smile at the right points whilst the whole time having the unbearable feeling of sadness washing over me. I ridicule myself, how pathetic I barely know him.  There is nothing worse than pretending you're ok when really you're not, this isn't my first time of wearing that mask but nevertheless it doesn't get any easier.  I try for the rest of the day to keep myself busy I've learnt over the year's distraction is crucial

At lunchtime Bell informs me quietly that once the dust has settled she will confront the vicar about the comments he made about mum the other night when he was in his drunken state.  She is sure he knows who my father is, maybe someone who has confessed something to him and he's trying to protect him, either way - one way or another he is going to tell her.  This is closure, she needs to look the man in the eye, the one that advised her daughter to put the needle in her arm.  He gave her a loaded gun stepped back and watched as she played Russian Roulette until she was left with only one bullet.  Bell will never get the chance now to love her daughter the way a mother should or to let her know that she did love her, the only thing she can do is avenge her, with this she can gain some kind of inner peace to soothe her broken heart.

I also want revenge but I fear not the same kind as Bell.  I feel killing him would only bring more death into my life that will hang around my neck like a parasite sucking me dry and I will become no better than the monster who took her.  I want answers, death is an end and will bring no comfort, just leave me with unanswered questions.  Once I know why? Bell can do what she wants or more to the point her feral boys can.  I'll be done.

Once lunch is done and Bell is back in the bar, like the Queen of her mini-empire, I slink off to my bedroom for a nap the broken sleep is catching up with me which makes it harder to keep up the front.  As soon as I open up my bedroom door I'm hit with the salty sea smell and the strong odour that lingers in the harbour.  There on my bed is a pile of oyster shells, I pick one up with its dried on seaweed hanging off like webbing, I feel bemused who would leave these on the bed let alone in my room.  I pile them up onto the bedside cabinet ready to bin, I brush off the sand scattered on the duvet.  Then from the corner of my eye, I see my bedroom window net gently wafting with the breeze.  I didn't leave the window open but count my blessings it is open considering what I've found on my bed, the odour is bad enough in a hot unventilated room it would have been unbearable.

As I wander over to the window the breath is knocked out of me as I see him, Alto, sat there on the bench.  He sees me straightaway as if he's been waiting, watching my bedroom the whole time.  He stands up and from his hoodie pocket pulls out an oyster shell, he lifts it up to show me just for a second then tucks it back in his pocket and walks away.  In my chest I feel my heart start to beat so loudly it rings in my ears, it beats as if someone had started it up again and now it's on and once again I'm alive.  Without a single word being said between us I know what he's trying to tell me, he wants me to meet him at the harbour.  I finally understand the term butterfly's in your belly as my stomach churns nervously, I repeatedly say to myself, "I can't go, I can't go" as I try to convince my head which is at this moment being drowned out by my loudly beating heart.

I could go for a moment just a moment but not stay, just to show my face.

I grab the pile of oyster shells and sniff them, the smell of the harbour has slipped away and been replaced by the smell of the possibility of a moment with him so I slip them under my pillow the thought of now chucking them away is unthinkable.  I wait to early evening, the bar is rammed, I hear the hum of the customers pulsating up to our flat, music is blaring which vibrates under my feet. I know Dad and Bell will be distracted as it's darts night which always pulls in large crowds either celebrating a win or drowning their sorrows, the barmaids will be run off their feet dashing up and down the bar.  I can feel the guilt flowing over me in waves but the adrenaline of spending time with him is pounding in my veins, I'd already laid the groundwork by telling Dad I had a headache and was going for a lie down that gives me an hour or two at the most before they check on me.

I slip nervously down the stairs then creep through the kitchen into the cellar which has a back door that leads out into the town for deliveries.  My palms are sweating, I hold my breath until I'm out on the street and the cool evening air touches my cheeks, once I'm outside I run through the town darting in and out of the crowds of merry people staggering along from pub to pub.  Once I'm at the end of town the scent of the harbour hits me, it lures me closer calling me in like an old friend.  I stop running scared I'll seem too eager but still briskly walking there sat by the RNLI Lifeboat Station he is,  he's sat there hood down as if he wants to be seen, I can feel my hands quiver so I dig them deep into my pocket so not to give me away.

At 15 my knowledge of the opposite sex is non-existent, I've never had a boyfriend, a date or even a first kiss.  My life before I got here was about surviving, pleasures of the flesh or heart were of little concern to me, when you have no idea where you would sleep that night. I'd often watch on the train station dizzy girls giggling over boys but never considered this something of interest to me, I considered myself far too intelligent to waste energy on such a ridiculous notion as love.  I believed in love, like the love I have for my Dad, but the idea of becoming a soppy mess all giggly and girly over boy seems repugnant and humiliating but yet here I am walking towards him.

As soon as he catches sight of me he starts to gingerly walks towards as if he is as new and unsure of this as I am, he has something behind his back I cautiously slow down my pace I'm not a great fan of surprises, most of the surprises I've had in my life have not always been good ones.  Once in front of me he flings his arm forward that was behind his back, I jump back not knowing what to expect but there in his hand was a single red rose.   "Rose for you" he lowly growls, I can tell he's trying to soften his voice as if he's scared he will frighten me away.

I accept my first flower from a boy, not entirely sure what I'm to do with it but I knew what it represented, a love token.  He held out his hand for me to take, I nervously slip my hand into his and all fear seems to slip away with his touch.  He pulls me closer and whispers.  "You will not break any promises to Bell, So I will always come to you first, you will not encourage me because I need no encouragement when it comes to you.  You will not seek me out first because I will always be there. I will not leave you alone because Bell said that only you can send me away".

Vulnerability is not a feeling I hold well but I feel myself letting my guard down, "I don't want to send you away". A smile spreads across his face as if he needed this reassurance more than I did. The moment is broken by a lady walking her dog which is barking as it's dragging her along the harbour as if it's walking her.  We stroll along the harbour, side by side until we get to a pile of empty oyster shells that's been devoured by locals and tourists, the sea is gently lapping up and down on the beach as if slowly trying to creep up onto the land.

"Would you like to sit?" he mumbles.  He is clearly as foreign to this as me, I take his hand and guide him on to the beach, I sit down on the pebbly stones to which he follows suit, the cool breeze is refreshing.  Alto is constantly watching me as if trying to read  my reaction or second guess what I'm thinking, I find this amusing, that he does this rather than just ask me.

"The other boys, are they your brothers or friends?" this amuses him, the sides of his mouth crack as if holding in a laugh.

"I have no brothers, no parents, no family.  I was never born.  We have always been here from the beginning of time, we will be here at the end". The reality that he may look like a boy but really isn't dawns on me.

"Alto what are you ?"

He stiffens up his posture tensing.  "We are allies of death, there are many of us, we have had many names over the years, hounds of hell being the most commonly known.  We guided or watched souls between life and death, transitioning, making sure they passed over and if they resisted we would take them".

I wonder if someone guided my mum when she passed over.  "Do you still do that ?"

He shakes his head.  "The day we met Bell, Death allowed us to follow her.  Death is intrigued by her she has been in the presence of death so much during her time on earth she now carries it with her.  So we follow her, we watch her and do her bidding.  Not many humans intrigue death but Bell, she is the first".

In my mind death has always been like the grim reaper, a thoughtless empty entity, I never considered there could be more to it.  "It must have been hard watching so many people die, the cruelty of watching life being ripped from them".

He looks at me blankly, as if not understanding what I'm saying.  "No, it is simply the end of their span Jane.  It is what it is, there is no or good or bad in death it's simply the end, the same as birth is the start.  All humans' time is limited until they pass on to the next".

"I wish I could see it that way, but to me, death is loss and sadness.  While I know it's meant to be, it makes it no easier to live with when you lose someone".

He shuffles closer.  "You don't lose them, they move on to the next.  The soul can't die, its energy essence that carries who you are, the human body is just the packaging for that.  But over time the packaging gets old or broken so is no longer able to hold it so the soul moves on to the next".

I lean in.  "Will your packaging ever get old or broken ?"

He chuckles and lays back on the pebbles.  "My packaging is an illusion, I can look any way I choose.  This suits Bell this century, she feels we blend in better".

He stretches out and pulls me down to lay beside him, the stones prod me in every bone every muscle deeply in my back but I don't care as I stare up at the jet black sky with the stars that shine down like diamonds in the sky.  I turn my face to see him watching me, my heart is starting to race again as I can feel the anticipation build up in me with the desire of wanting him to kiss me but he doesn't move.  An unbearable stillness lays between us and I can't bear it any more so for the first time in my life I lean over and I kiss him.

The fear of what I'm doing dissolves the moment our lips touch as if the brain cuts out and the body takes over.  I cup his cold face in my hands, as his soft lips longingly kiss me back with a tenderness I wasn't expecting a build-up of energy to come flooding out of my body like a craving I've desired.  I feel I can't at that moment get enough of him, his arms slip around my waist and pull me closer with his chest pressed against mine with my heart frantically beating between us, his arms wrapped around me like a snuggly protective blanket.

He whispers close into my ear.  "Jane, from the moment I saw you get off the train your light has drawn me in, I know the light of life and the darkness death should never exist together but I couldn't pull myself away from you, from the light that exudes out of you".

I run my hand down his face, hypnotised by his black eyes that see me like no other ever has.  "Alto, you can't have day without night, light needs the dark".

He traces my lips with his finger then whispers in my mouth before he kisses me.  "Dark needs the light".

We lay there in each other's arms until I can no longer let the time slip past me any longer.  If I wish to see him again I need to not get caught this time.  I hate knowing I have to leave, but I hate more the thought of Bell or Dad finding out about us and stopping me from seeing him again.

As we stroll back hand in hand, we would seem to the outside world as nothing more than two teenagers on a date, I like that the feeling of normality for once feels good.  As I get to the back door of the cellar I turn and say goodnight to him, he smiles then steps back instantly disappearing into the shadows, like smoke, as if the darkness just pulled him away.  My breath gets caught in my throat at the sight of him fading into the darkness away from me, I feel panic overwhelming me with the realisation I don't want him to go, I don't want him to disappear from me and as if he heard my heart calling out to him he slipped back out of the shadows.  Like a boiling pot that is now simmering over the edge, I start to cry, he pulls me close, holds me tight with my face nestled into his chest breathing him in.  Between muffled sobs, I squeak.  "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me but when you disappeared I just panicked".

He tilts my face up and kisses my forehead.  "Jane I would never leave you".

I sneak back to my room, which now seems very empty and cold here all on my own, with the one consolation that outside in the depth of darkness, amongst the shadows, hidden from sight is him, watching and waiting for me.  Now the darkness doesn't seem so scary anymore.