Why is it when you're waiting for something, the time drips away so slowly so you can feel every second, every moment, intensified waiting for that moment of release. 

I leave early and slowly walk up through the High Street down to the harbour following the sounds of greedy seagulls, the scent of the sea pulling me closer in.  The air has become cooler with a breeze not quite strong enough to penetrate your bones as it does in the winter but cool enough for you to zip up your jacket. 

As I walk into the harbour I see all of the boats bobbing up and down on the water but no fishermen, there isn't even the usual gaggle of tourists that walk up and down the harbour taking pictures whilst eating a pint of whelks. The fishmongers are shut and unusual silence has fallen over the busy harbour, even the squawking seagulls have left, decided not to scavenge and pick at the fishermen's leftovers from today's catch or the tourist trash of Fish and chips they couldn't finish then decided to unceremoniously chuck on the floor, whilst exclaiming what a beautiful place Whitstable is then deciding to dump their rubbish on the floor instead of one of the many bins.

I plonk myself on the bench outside the fishmongers, it has engraved on it "we have no time to stand and stare" the tramps poet while the other bench says "what is this life if full of care" W H Davies.  Here I sit looking out at the boats and the never-ending ocean that is spread out before me, I feel the calm of the sea wash over me and I feel ready for whatever comes next.

As Bell appears from behind the huts that are open on the weekend selling local art, street food, buckets and spades I can see her face look strained as if a great weight is on her shoulders.  She is alone, there is no sign of her dogs trailing behind her, they could be in the shadows but my gut tells me they're not, this is a conversation just for us and us alone.

She perches on the bench beside me.  "So Jane, would you like small talk or get straight to it?"  For a second my mind fails me, do I need to know?  This is my chance to back out, to walk away now but I feel like I can't as if everything has been building up to this moment.  Now Is the time for honesty, regardless of the repercussions.

"Please tell me Bell, who is Lilith?"

She sighs, "I'll tell you, but you must listen Jane and understand not everything is black and white.  There is so much more to life than what you can see".

I nod agreeing to open my mind but not sure to what.

"To know Lilith, you have to understand where she came from, how she began.  When all was created, so was she from the earth and with her a mate called Adam.  The beauty that surrounded them, Jane there is no words great enough to describe, the world was full of energy that comes with new beginnings and growth, their creation was purely to reproduce for this world to exist, it needed life.  A life that had the ability to evolve, to grow, to build but all that glitters isn't gold, while her desire to be a mother was so great the price she felt was too high.  She would have to become completely submissive to Adam, she felt this was unfair as they were both created from the same Earth, at the same time, yet she was not seen as equal, this enraged her so she rejected Adam and his advances to make her submit to him by making her lay beneath him.  She would fight and climb atop of him for she didn't see herself as the weaker sex,she would not be dominated by him or any male that walked this earth.  By doing so, God saw this as a rejection of him.  She was banished to leave her home, sent to walk the lands that had not yet grown or flourished so she could be replaced.  God took Adam's rib, the most fragile bone in the human body, to create a softer, more timid and fragile mate that would be subservient to Adam.  Lilith was forgotten by mankind, by history, by religion but she was not to leave unpunished, she was to walk the earth until her body can walk no longer but there was a catch she wouldn't age the same as normal humans so punishment went beyond a normal human life span.  She was never permitted to enter God's houses for she was no longer welcome and for every child she carried in her womb, every child she birthed and loved, that wasn't from Adam, she would have to watch it die".

Tears are running down Bells face I put my hand gingerly on top of hers.  I'm struggling to piece together what she's trying to tell me but I can see the utter devastation it's bringing her.  "I thought God was meant to love all his children" I mutter as I mumble to myself.

She hears this and sighs, "Child God neither loves nor hates, he simply creates and these were times before free will and free thought as humans evolved so did their limitations".

I try to piece together some kind of understanding of what she's trying to say to me but I feel so utterly lost.  "Why are you telling me this Bell?"

She tightens her grip on to my hand as if what she's about to say is taking all her strength.  "Jane do you not still see?  I'm Lilith.  Over the years I've had many names, many identities so I could blend in and walk this earth but my one true name is Lilith.  I was here at the beginning of time, I will probably still be here at the very end".

I glare at her, hatred bubbling up inside of me - she brought me here to tell me this wildly ridiculous story, she's trying to make a fool out of me.  Well I won't stand for it.  I pull my hand from hers and I see the rejection in her eyes, but she's not done yet. 

"Jane, how do you think I know the things I do?  How I have the ability to read people and their innermost thoughts?  Over time I have evolved quicker than the average human, I can smell people's emotions the sickly sweet smell of fear, the musky odour of deceit I can smell it all.  I can also tune in to the human frequency of the mind to see their faults, sins, regrets because humans carry their guilty secrets with them always.  I always thought this ability was a cruel jab from God, he considered that I sinned by disobeying him so I would be forever subjected to everyone else's.  But instead of making me remorseful it just made me more bitter towards humankind because I could see their sins going unpunished while I suffer every day".

I can hear the contempt in her twisted voice, There's not a flicker of doubt she believes in every word that has come out of her mouth and that scares me more than anything that has happened since we met her at the train station.  She's watching me trying to read my reaction my thoughts, does she already know it?  "Why are you telling me this?"

She looks over at the bobbing boats carefully considering her next words. "I wasn't left any choice but to tell you.  If I didn't the vicar would have, the church has known about me for many years.  I have over the years left here many times but I am always drawn back so the vicars are always warned about me".

"You said I reminded you of your daughter but how can that be if every child you had has passed away because of your punishment?"  I fired back, now getting drawn in but not prepared to go down without a fight.  She hung her head low as if I'd asked a question she didn't want to answer but I wasn't backing down, I will rip her own lies apart.  "Well!"

Her voice now small, compared to the confident sometimes cruel tone I'm used to replies, "I didn't say all of my children died, only the ones I loved.  You see Jane, that's the cruel catch, it's not that I didn't want to love her I was unable to".

"Aren't mothers supposed to love their children unconditionally?"  I stand up to walk away, I can't stomach any more of her crazy stories, by me staying and listening to this I am not helping the situation, or her.  She is clearly delusional and I feel like she's dragging me down with her.  I don't know what I was expecting to get from Bell but it certainly wasn't this.  Has she been crazy the whole time and been tainting my mind so I go as crazy as her?

She grabs at my jacket, "You can't go Jane, I can't lose you too.  It took me so long to find you". I shrug her off, almost disgusted by her pathetic behaviour.  "I never got the chance to make it right with your mother, please don't let this happen again". I feel the rage wash over me from my toes up to the top of my head how dare she bring my mother into her delusions.

I turn on her until I'm nose to nose with her, my spit hitting her face with every word I hiss out at threw my gritted teeth. "Don't drag my mother into your fucking crazy ramblings!"

But she screams back at me.  "Your mother...... my daughter". I slap her hard across the face, half in temper, half to smack some sanity back into her.  My palm throbs and stings I'm instantly hit with a wave of guilt that sweeps over me for striking this old lady, what have I done? I back away, what have I become?.

I start to run as if my body has taken over where my mind could no longer function, I run past the bowling alley, past the local swimming pool, past Whitstable Castle, my lungs aching from the lack of oxygen, my limbs and muscles throbbing but unable to stop. 

I carry on running up the hill until I'm on the grassy bank at the top of Tankerton beach, that looks down at the coastline, then my mind kicks in as if enough distance has been achieved between me and Bell I fall to my knees, no longer able to stand because of the pain that is zig-zagging all over my body.  There on the grassy bank I cry, I cry because it feels like finally, I need to release all this build-up rage that's been rotting away inside of me for far too long and the scared realisation that Bell is either crazy or telling the truth.