Trains always send me to sleep, the repetitive noise and slow murre as they rattle on the tracks, ever since I was small it had the same effect. I feel my eyes get heavier and my head slowly slouches then eventually slumps on to dads shoulder - I hate that moment between awake and sleep your mind feels hazy and as much as you try you can never fight the sleep away as your body jolts with exhaustion and slowly shuts down and then there she is my mum.

It's the only time I think about her in my dreams she's on the floor all grey and limp in her underwear with the bruises where she shot up, dark green like moss growing all over her body as if she was an ancient statue, that has cruelly attacked and ravaged by time.

Then I hear the scream it's me it's piercing and rings in my ears, the fear pours out like a flood off broken brutal emotions the gasps between screams as I try to catch my breath as much as I scream she does not stir she does not move the stillness of her overwhelms me, move, move, move.

Then I hear him, dad he rushes to mum and pulls her in his arms. He feels for her pulse, tries to see if she's breathing but there's nothing. She lays sprawled lifeless in his arms as his body starts to shake with tears he's pleading with her to wake up, telling her he needs her, I need her, that we love her but it's not enough it was never enough. What she needed we could never give her. He tells her that she needs to get better he will make her better but there is no making this better she is like a butterfly with the wings pulled off. Try as you might she can't fly and all the crying and willing won't raise her up.

Then he sees me in my cot my tear-streaked little face, he lays her down and walks to me, he picks me up from the cot I'm still screaming thrashing away with fear but he still holds me tight as I scream and claw away like a feral animal and he gently rocks me slowly and keeps saying in his broken shaking voice "it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok, I'm here" he repeats this again and again trying to convince himself as much as he is me.

My screaming lessens and I feel the release off all the anger, hurt and fear, my dad is a mountain of a man with broad shoulders and gruff voice but if you were to cut him open he has a heart that double the size of anyone else's. In one-day God took away my mother but gave me a father.