A/N: This one is for Vala411. It's her fault-she mentioned a wereporg first. I just ran off with it...

And what else are you to do when locked up for your own safety due to Coronavirus?

This is intended to be humorous and lighthearted but I am harrypanther so a bit of angst may creep in...

Disclaimer: Star Wars and all characters and situations therein are the property of Lucasfilm and Disney. Not sure if George ever envisaged a wereporg though...

-o0o-

ONE: Kylo's Very Bad Day

It was another routine mission, dispatched halfway across the Galaxy to destroy a small knot of Resistance traitors that could just as well have been annihilated by a squad of First Order Stormtroopers-except that would have been too easy.

Eyes blazing with anger, Kylo Ren, apprentice to Lord Snoke, the Supreme Leader, bisected another traitor, deflected a blaster bolt with his hand and then jerked his hand round in a vicious gesture that collapsed the roof of the doorway onto another three traitors. He could feel their lives fade from the Force and he paused, breathing hard. Not only had Snoke commanded him to take the menial mission, he had ordered Kylo to clear the whole nest himself, forcing him to carve his way through the whole base while the Stormtroopers remained snug and warm in the Command Shuttle. It was raining and he was soaked to the skin, the kriffing resistance fighters were regrouping and his wounds were hurting.

He grimaced and regretted it. This was definitely Snoke's punishment for losing to the Scavenger, losing Starkiller Base and requiring Hux of all people to haul his badly injured carcass off the collapsing planet mere moments before it shattered. Snoke had been incredibly angry and once Kylo had been treated enough that Snoke's displeasure wouldn't immediately kill him, the Supreme Leader had made his anger known. Very very clearly. Once he'd been patched up a bit more, he'd been sent out on this mission-ostensibly to locate the new Resistance Base but in reality, to punish him for his failure. The wound in his side, where Chewbacca's shot had almost killed him, was mostly healed, though it pulled when he wielded his lightsaber and the ugly and vicious wound from the Scavenger's lightsaber was raw and bled if he moved too fast.

The only saving grace was his mask, concealing the wound from casual observation. He was Kylo Ren, for kriff's sake! Snoke's Enforcer, the Jedi Killer, the most feared man in the First Order...the last thing he wanted was pitying eyes raking over his disfigured face. He knew the most popular rumour was that he wore the mask to hide his hideous face anyway but now...he guessed it was probably true. He blinked and pushed the self-pitying thoughts aside, focussing on the shifts in the Force and what was happening within the Base.

His lightsaber swung up, the fizzing, spitting red blade deflecting the shots from a defensive heavy-duty fixed blaster. The blade flickered and he realised that another direct hit may be too much. Growling, he focussed on the pain, using it to allow him to access the darkness within and he leapt, the second shot missing as he landed on the roof of the Base. Saber swinging, he took out the three men manning the cannon and destroyed it, then rammed his lightsaber blade through the power couplings, plunging the interior into darkness. He carved a hole in the roof, leapt through and then clicked the blade off. Quietly he waited, allowing his sense of the Force to expand, identifying the blazing presences of the Resistance fighters. Seven. That was all. He had been sent here to kill a mere dozen or so fighters.

That really pissed him off. Notwithstanding that being pissed off was Kylo's normal frame of mind, this really was the final insult. He reached out with the force and slammed one of the defenders against the wall, the noise causing all the remainder to spin and look towards the sound. Then he thumbed on the lightsaber and a couple of vicious sweeps ended any further resistance. He walked forward, over the bodies and summoned a blaster into his hand, blasting through the deadfall and finally squinting at the light. And then he walked out, tossing the blaster aside and stalking toward the shuttle.

"Search them for clues to the new location of the Resistance Base," he snapped, the vocoder altering his voice. "Tell me when you have completed your search." Trying to calm himself so he had some semblance of control when he returned to the shuttle, he walked over the muddy ground towards the cliff, staring through the drizzle at the stormy grey sea. The base was sited on a plateau shielded by towering cliffs both above and below that had made the approach trying and the landing pretty hard. He could hear the men mumbling and complaining and a crash as someone fell over but his attention was diverted by other lifeforms, huddling into the long seagrass that was being blasted by the wind and waves.

They were sort-of birds, he realised absently-short, stubby, blunt birds with short wings, big black eyes and a white face and front on their otherwise brown bodies. A pair were huddled over a nest, their beakless faces close together in an attitude that a sentimentalist could interpret as affection. He snorted and felt his side hurt, a hand idly rising to feel the barely-healed flesh ripped. Not badly enough to require a spell in a bacta tank-as if Snoke would permit that-but enough to need a patch to at least stop it leaking blood into his robes.

Suddenly he felt tired, annoyed and in pain. And he barely had the energy to be furious at the whole situation. He would hate Snoke if he felt the man wouldn't sense it immediately but in truth, all he wanted was his bed on the Finalizer and a little peace and quiet to recharge his batteries. The stormtroopers were bumbling around and would probably be some time inspecting what tech the damned Resistance had left in their base and he just wanted to have some peace and quiet. Gritting his teeth, he turned back to the shuttle.

Then he paused. One of the birds was facing him, snarling in the rain in a manner that would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic. The creature was flapping its wings furiously and started making irritated noise that sounded like some horrible high-pitched squeal. He winced as it lunged at him. It made a more insistent yodel and bounded forward, savaging his ankle. Shocked, he tried to shake it loose and then rapidly backed away. It lunged again and he almost slipped over, righting himself clumsily. And then he froze. There were stormtroopers looking, men watching Kylo Ren backing away from a rabid two foot piece of miserable local wildlife. He growled in his throat and reached for his lightsaber as the thing flapped up and almost bit him on the ass. He whipped round with an incoherent growl and stumbled then fell over.

The creature sprang, wings flapping and bit him incredibly hard on the thigh, just above the knee. He swore as the teeth ripped through the fabric and broke his skin, drawing blood. Fury throbbed through him and the lightsaber ignited and swung, cutting it in half. The bisected corpse fell to the ground as Kylo scrambled back to his feet, then kicked the nearest half in anger. His leg was bleeding, he was soaked and muddy and his men were sniggering. Straightening up, he limped past the stormtroopers, his fists clenched in anger and swept up the ramp into the shuttle.

He would be glad to get back on the ship.

-o0o-

General Armitage Hux was irritated. There were a thousand more things he could be doing rather than standing here like an idiot, waiting to greet Supreme Leader Snoke's pet not-Jedi Ren. He cleared his throat and flicked a cold blue glance at the Upsilon Shuttle that was gliding gracefully into the landing bay, fins folded up for landing. Automatically, he checked the lines of white Stormtrooper uniforms and was satisfied that all were in perfect alignment, every soldier facing front. The silver-armoured shape of Captain Phasma was standing at the end, ready to salute. Finally, the ramp was lowered and the familiar shape of Ren strode down.

Hux frowned. Ren was limping, the steps uneven and if he didn't know better, he would guess the man was grimacing under his mask. His cowl was askew and his cloak-in all its having-seen-better-days glory-was flapping muddily around his muddy boots. In fact, the man was liberally covered in mud, looking like he'd fallen over in a mudpit. He gestured to Phasma who saluted briskly and then he walked forward to intercept his rival. It was no secret both men hated each other but they were both servants of Snoke and while the Supreme Leader had uses for them both, there was an unspoken understanding that neither would kill the other.

"Ren," the General said, his tone suitably cold. "What the kriff happened to you?"

"The resistance fighters are dead and their base destroyed," Ren said shortly through the mask. Hux scowled.

"And the intelligence the Supreme Leader sought?" he asked sharply.

"There was nothing found," Ren growled. Hux stiffened.

"Did you examine any of them?" he asked snidely, wondering if Ren had failed again. The masked man stopped.

"No," he bit out shortly. Hux rolled his eyes.

"You killed them all?" he guessed. "Snoke was very insistent about getting that intelligence..."

"And he ordered that I attacked the base on my own," Ren retorted, his voice bitter even through the vocoder. "They put up a fight."

"And once again I have to report on your failure," Hux hissed.

"Then you need to locate that intelligence," Ren hissed, limping forward. Hux frowned.

"What happened to you?" he snapped.

"Wildlife," Ren growled.

"Get that looked at!" Hux told him shortly. "I don't want to have to tell the Supreme Leader you've died of some wretched animal bite." Ren paused and glanced at him.

"I'm not about to make your life easier by conveniently vanishing," he growled and limped past. Hux folded his arms and watched him go, exhaling slowly to calm himself as Phasma walked up.

"The men report he was attacked by a small native bird," she reported, her voice wavering slightly. Hux stared at her incredulously.

"He was savaged by a bird?" he repeated.

"Apparently," she said. "Oh, he did kill it," she added.

"A bird?"

Phasma paused.

"A bird," she reported. Then she paused. "GU-1919 reported it is listed as a 'Porg'-a species of vermin that infests planets across this sector." Hux's lips twitched and he had to try very hard not to laugh.

"He was savaged by vermin?" he repeated. "Kylo Ren? Snoke's attack dog? And the squad observed it?" Phasma nodded.

"In fact, it was captured by the shuttle cameras..." she offered. Hux's eyes gleamed.

"Show me."

-o0o-

The door closed in his room and Kylo Ren gave a sigh, shucking off his muddy cloak and cowl, taking off his mask and collapsing back to sit on the bed. He was tired, sore and his wounds needed treating. He glanced over to the melted, twisted mask of Darth Vader, resting on its pedestal and he shook his head. He didn't have the focus to do anything except get cleaned up and rest. Snoke would insist he meditated and used his pain and exhaustion to drive his descent into darkness...but he wasn't going to.

So instead, he went and had a shower, dressed the bite with bacta and also applied a patch to the wound in his side which was still raw and then he went to bed. Exhausted, aching and with his leg still throbbing, he closed his eyes, locked the door and drifted off to sleep...

His night was fractured with incomprehensible dreams, of water and wind, of warmth and something cooing against him, of a feeling of belonging and then of anger and fear and then...nothingness...

His eyes snapped open and he felt disorientated. The room was dark, the perspective looked wrong and he seemed to have wrapped himself up completely in his sheets. Wearily, he tried to throw them off but ended up scrambling and then falling out of the bed completely. He hit the floor with a thud and swore imaginatively.

And then he stiffened, for all he heard was the strange screeching of an animal.

In a second, he scrambled to his feet...and then he reeled. The bed loomed above him and the ceiling much further up. He tried to take a step...but he only waddled. Wondering if he had been poisoned by Hux, he rolled his eyes and glanced down...and then he froze.

Feathers. Naked scaly three-toed feet.

He spun and caught his reflection in the polished black metal of the wall.

He was a porg.