Trigger Warning: PPD and Suicide (Attempt)

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#TCS71: Twisted Scars Each of them Hid

Miracle Silhouette's POV

I heaved a heavy sigh, I didn't want to bawl my eyes out at them, but thinking of what really happened before was slowly making me feel too much pain in my heart. It was like the scar that I thought that healed with time, didn't heal at all.

Nando'n pa rin 'yong pagsisisi, 'yong sakit, 'yong matinding hapdi. Hindi talaga yata ako makakawala sa mga kamay ng demonyo kahit ano'ng gawin ko, kasi ako mismo ang naging gano'n noong bata pa ako.

"After the Domain got our grandparents, we did not waste any second. We disappeared from all of you..." I closed my eyes, as I felt the hot liquid that was cutting my cheeks. It was that painful. Kung ako ang masusunod, ayaw ko nang balikan pa 'yong mga kasunod na nangyari.

Pero ano'ng magagawa ng pagtakas ko? Ano'ng magagawa ng pagtanggi ko? Gusto ko na lang tanggapin ang lahat. Kaya hanggang ngayon patuloy akong bumabawi, patuloy kong isusugal ang buhay ko para sa kanila, dahil 'yon lang ang makakaya kong gawin, para makapagbayad sa lahat ng nagawa ko.

"We... couldn't really understand why we have to run away and hide..." I glanced at Justice when he started saying those words. Luna was beside him, tapping his hand that she was holding. Tahimik lang pero kita ko 'yong sakit kay Luna.

"Pamilya tayo lahat 'di ba? Bakit kami aalis ng hindi nagsasabi? Bakit kailangan namin umalis at humiwalay sa inyo?" Nasasaktang tanong ni Justice.

I clenched my jaws, and took a deep breath to prevent tears. It wasn't just them that had a hard time when we disappeared. The triplets, too. They couldn't understand why we had to do it. They couldn't let go of the hands of our families.

Why did we even have to do it, right?

"Tandang-tanda ko no'n kung paano umiyak si Justice at Rebel... ayaw sumama kina Dada, kasi aalis kami..." Law tried to joke, but he choked, and he covered his eyes, because like Rebel and Justice, he also didn't want to leave them.

Law's the leader of the whole gang. Law was the one who was too stubborn because he didn't want to just leave. Kahit magpaalam man lang daw. Kasi... hindi na talaga namin alam kung kailan kami makakabalik.

Momo and Dada was so stressed that time... because I wasn't speaking, I wasn't really moving, I was just breathing.

Ang kwento sa akin noon, nakatulala lang ako lagi, wala sa sarili, hindi makausap, at palaging umiiyak.

The triplets couldn't even approach me back then. But I knew they were hurt, and they were also longing for me... I was always sorry to them.

"Hanggang sa... bigla na lang nagalit si Dada sa amin. Kasi... muntik nang mawala si Gabby... kasi matigas ang ulo namin." Mas hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kapatid ko dahil sa narinig kay Justice.

He looked up, and rubbed his eyes. He grunted a little, because he couldn't stop crying. Pati sina Theon, Cleon, Pierce, Thorn, at Akira, sobrang namumula na rin ang mga mata dahil sa nakikita nila sa aming magkakapatid.

Ramdam ko 'yong hapdi sa kanila. 'Yong mga tingin nila sa amin. Punong-puno ng emosyon. Sobrang nagsisisi kasi akala nila sila lang 'yong nahirapan. Hindi nila alam, lahat kami may itinatago ring mga sugat.

"Momo bled one night, that night we all decided to disappear from all of you. Because... Momo, Dada, and Miracle needed us..." Rebel continued, Honoka hugged him, while she was sobbing with Rebel's broken voice.

"Sa hospital kami namalagi no'ng una. Dahil si Dada walang tulog, palaging pagod na pagod. Si Momo palaging umiiyak kapag nakikita si Ate... tapos sobrang hirap na hirap si Momo kasi mahina ang kapit ni Gabby sa kanya..." Law's shaking voice, made me feel so shattered.

Hindi ko kasi talaga alam ang mga nangyayari noon. Kasi maging ako... wala sa sarili. I was told, I was also confined, because of my trauma. Palagi raw ako kinakausap ni Momo noon, pero nakatulala lang ako sa kanya.

And whenever she would call me Silhouette, I would bawl my eyes out—magwawala ako, at magagalit nang sobra-sobra. Momo would cry because of what she was witnessing from me, and Dada would always hug her to calm her down, while the doctors needed to sedate me.

The triplets would watch that scary scene and instead of howling, and whinning to Dada. Law would always hug Rebel and Justice. Silang tatlo, tahimik na iiyak sa isang tabi, hanggang makatulog sa pagod.

Sobrang awang-awa ako kay Dada noon... he was alone. He was alone trying to take care and stand for all of us.

Ang pahinga lang yata ni Dada kapag nakakatulog ako at ang triplets.

I could remember some of it vividly.

We were in a hospital room. Malaki 'yong kwarto, para kang wala sa hospital kung tutuusin, dahil mayroon 'tong sariling living room, at kitchen. Momo was always resting on her bed with an IV on her, and also the vital signs equipment to make sure that she was not experiencing preeclampsia, and that her oxygen saturation was always good.

'Tapos sa tabi ng kama n'ya ilang hakbang ang layo, ang kama kung saan ako palaging nakatulala at nakaupo o nakahiga lang. I was also monitored, and a doctor would always come to examine and do some tests on me.

Ang triplets, mayroon silang kama na kanila sa halos tapat lang ng kama namin ni Momo. Pero madalas, nasa parang living room sila at do'n kami pinagmamasdan. The triplets would always come to my bed.

They would tell me stories, they would joke around me, they would talk to me. Kahit hindi nila ako nakikita madalas, kahit hindi ako nakikinig at palaging nakatulala sa kanila. Hindi nila tinigilan.

"Ate..." Justice would always hug me, trying to keep me warm, telling me that I was safe now... because he was with me.

"Mas gusto ko 'yong Ate na hindi ko nakikita, kesa Ate na... hindi kami kinakausap..." Rebel would tear up with a sad face. But I would only stare in the air, because I was out of it. Walang nagpoproseso sa utak ko.

Law being the eldest of the triplets, would try to attend us with our needs. Kahit s'ya mismo hindi kaya. He would want to prepare sandwich or water or fruits to take care of me, and also Momo. He was also taking care of Rebel and Justice.

I was so guilty... because their childhood stopped that time... because they needed to mature. They needed to be there for us, because they had been seeing how hard it was for Dada, they were looking on how hard he was trying to be okay, although, nothing was okay.

Minsan naglalakad daw ako papunta sa kama ni Momo. Uupo ako sa harap n'ya. Sa una hindi n'ya ako mapapansin, pero kapag mapapansin n'ya ako, palagi s'yang umiiyak nang tahimik, habang hinahaplos ang pisngi ko.

"Miracle..." she would always call me softly, caressing my hair, with pooling tears in her eyes.

"Miracle... I'm sorry... I couldn't protect you... Momo's always going to be sorry..." Titigan ko lang si Momo na walang emosyon sa mukha at mga mata. Makikita ko ang mga luha sa mata n'yang walang tigil ang patak.

She would always try to avoid my gaze, bite her lower lips, and look at me painfully. "I wanted to protect you... but your younger sibling inside me... I almost lost her trying to get you back... I'm sorry..."

Ang hirap na palaging nagbe-break down si Momo kapag nasa harap n'ya ako. Pero nanatili raw ako palaging nakatingin sa kanya.

"Miracle... balik ka na kay Momo... kausapin mo na si Momo... magalit ka na lang kay Momo, pero h'wag naman 'yong ganito... Miracle..." pagmamakaawa n'ya sa akin, at lilingon lang ako sa triplets na tahimik na umiiyak habang pinapanuod kami.

"Mahal na mahal kita, anak... at habang buhay kong sisisihin ang sarili ko sa lahat..."

The triplets would always hug Momo because they love her so much, and they were hurting that she was in pain because of what was happening to us. Samantalang ako noon, wala na yata nararamdaman na kahit ano.

Aalis lang ako sa harap nila, at hihiga sa sariling kama ko.

Momo would break down again. Sinisisi ang sarili sa lahat lahat. Minsan hindi na rin kinakaya ni Momo, kaya halos hindi na s'ya makakain, halos hindi n'ya na maalagaan ang triplets, at pati sarili n'ya napapabayaan n'ya na rin.

"Light... tulong naman..."

Minsan kulang na lang lumuhod si Dada kay Momo, habang nakikiusap na kumain, uminom, at alagaan naman nito ang sarili n'ya, dahil hindi lang ako ang pwedeng mawala, kasi... paano na lang si Gabby?

"H'wag mo naman sisihin ang sarili mo Light..." Dada would beg while holding her hands.

"Pero kasalanan ko Gab... kung naprotektahan ko si Miracle... hindi mangyayari 'to. Kung sana hindi ko na lang binuo ulit ang Empire... hindi mangyayari 'to..." Makikita kong ubos na ubos si Momo habang umiiyak kay Dada.

"Magsisisihan na naman ba tayo? Paano ang kapatid nina Miracle? Kung hindi mo naprotektahan si Miracle... sana 'yong magiging anak natin ang protektahan at alagaan mo... parang awa mo na, Light..."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Kakayanin ulit natin, hindi ba, Gab?"

Tatango lang si Dada sa kanya, at hahalikan ang noo n'ya. Si Dada 'yong nagdala ng lahat ng bigat at paghihirap ni Momo.

Si Dada 'yong nag-alaga sa triplets, s'ya rin 'yong nag-alaga sa akin, at umintindi sa akin.

S'ya rin 'yong walang tigil na inasikaso si Momo para masiguradong nakakakain at nagiging maayos 'to. He would do everything for us... that sometimes... he would forget to take care of himself. Puro kami kasi ang inuuna n'ya.

Hanggang isang gabi, nagising na lang ako bigla. Nagising ako dahil sa isang iyak.

Iyak na napakahina, tila ayaw iparinig kahit kanino, ayaw ipakita kahit isang saglit lang. Palaging nagtatago, at napapagod.

I sat up on my bed... only to see Dada, holding Momo's hand delicately, kissing it lightly, as if trying to get a strength to survive another hard day.

"Ang sakit... ang hirap... Light..." his croaking voice, and heart wrenching silent whispers would always break my heart.

Iiyak din ako nang hindi nalalaman ni Dada. Kasi... kahit para akong hangin, at wala sa sarili no'n. Kapag naririnig ko ang iyak at panghihina ni Dada, paminsan-minsan sa gabi, palagi na lang may hapding humahaplos sa puso ko.

"Kakayanin pa rin natin, Light, 'di ba? Kakayanin ko pa rin?" his stammering words would always echo in the room, although Momo was always asleep, as well as the triplets.

No one really saw how Dada would breakdown, aside from me.

Kasi pagkatapos n'yang umiyak nang mahina, maghihilamos lang s'ya, aayusin n'ya lang sarili n'ya.

'Tapos... ngingiti na naman s'ya sa amin kapag sumikat na ang araw na para bang walang nangyari.

The heaviness in my heart—although, I couldn't speak, I couldn't really know what was going on—it would never leave my heart. Lalo na kapag ngingiti si Dada sa akin, at yayakapin n'ya ako na parang kumukuha ng lakas sa akin saglit.

S'ya lang din 'yong palaging magpapatawa kahit paano sa triplets. He would try to play with them every now and then. Kahit minsan aalis s'ya. Akala ko umaalis s'ya para sa mga test namin, at para pag-aasikaso sa amin.

Hindi ko alam... na s'ya rin pala ang nag-aasikaso para hindi mamatay ang mga lola at lolo namin sa kamay ng Domain.

Kapag naiisip ko kung gaano kahirap kay Dada at Momo ang lahat no'n, parang nauubos ako paunti-unti... para akong kandila na nawawalan ng apoy, at nawawalan ng pag-asang muling masindihan.

I thought after staying at the hospital... Momo and I would be okay. But, I was wrong.

When we moved to an island, near the beach... that was where things started to become heavier, and tougher to each of us.

Hindi natapos ang paggagamot sa akin, kahit medyo okay na si Momo. Momo and Dada decided to leave the hospital, because our families were searching for us, and the Domain was also trying to get the triplets.

We needed to run and hide again. We needed to do it, to stay alive, to stay safe. Dada and Momo didn't want it, because I wasn't stable... but it was my life, and my siblings' lives on the line again, they had no choice but to escape.

Hindi talaga namin alam kung saan kami pupunta. Nagkanda loko-loko na rin ang lahat no'n. Sumakay kami ng eroplano, ng barko, at ng kung ano-anong sasakyan, para lang makalayo. Hanggang sa mapadpad kami sa isang liblib at tagong isla.

Momo and Dada didn't know where to start. We were all struggling. And I added more torture to my parents. Ilang beses din ako muntik mawala dahil sa byahe namin, at dahil sa pagiging invisible ko sa mga mata nila.

Halos nag-iiyakan kami para lang makatakas, para lang makapagtago. Sobrang ingat na ingat din si Dada kay Momo, dahil sa selan ng pagbubuntis nito, at dahil iilang linggo pa lang talaga 'tong buntis.

"Kailangan n'yo ba ng tulong?" Noong halos walang-wala na kami... hindi alam kung saan pupunta.

Umiiyak ang triplets sa pagod ng byahe. Umiiyak si Momo kasi kahahanap lang nila sa akin. Pagod na pagod at said na said na si Dada. Doon lumitaw ang katiting na liwanag sa amin. Luna's Mom... Luna's Mom approached us.

My parents were skeptical, but Luna's Mom was nothing but kind to us. She helped us settled down at the island. She helped us to have a small hut to ourselves. Luna's Dad also helped Dada get a livelihood.

Dahil sa pamilya ni Luna nagsimula kaming umahon mula sa delubyo kung saan kami nakakulong. Doon din namin nakilala si Luna.

The talkative and jolly child that would always play with the triplets. She was the one who taught the triplets on how to help Dada and Momo.

"Hello! Magandang umaga mga bagong prends, ako si Luna!" Palaging gano'n ang masayang bati nito sa amin. The triplets were a little uncomfortable with her, because of her way of speaking, and her personality.

But soon, she became someone who would always make the triplets feel like they were still children, although with a huge responsibility, and burden on their shoulders at their young age. Pero... kahit papaano, napapangiti sila ni Luna.

Kahit hindi ako makausap nang maayos noon. Kahit sobrang ilap ako sa tao. Kahit minsan hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko. Luna was always there... she was watching over me, although, most of the times she needed to look for me.

"Mira! Hello! Tayo ro'n, gagawa tayo ng sandcastle!"

"Mira! Kumusta ang araw mo! Gusto bang humingi ng ulam namin?! Masarap sardinas na may itlog!"

"Mira! Tara! Pwede tayo sumama kay Papa papunta sa isang isla! Maganda ang sandbar do'n!"

Pero dahil na rin sa sitwasyon ko at tumatak sa utak ko na nangyari sa amin ni Hope.... I was nothing but cruel to Luna.

I would always break her grasp on my wrist. I would always look at her like she was an annoying child who wouldn't stop approaching me. I would always throw things that she would give me.

"Magandang hapon, Mira! May ginawa akong bracelet para sa 'yo!" Minsan ay tuwang-tuwa s'yang lumapit sa akin, habang nakaupo ako sa labas ng maliit na kubo namin, habang tinatanaw ang dagat ng tahimik.

Ipinakita n'ya sa akin ang bracelet na ginawa n'ya. "Buti nakita kita agad! May sa multo ka pa naman yata bigla na lang nawawala!" she told me joyfully, and sat beside me to get my wrist. Pinangunutan ko s'ya ng noo.

"Ito oh! Meron din ako, para parehas tayo! Ayie, kikiligan ka na?" she danced a little beside me, as she slowly tied the bracelet on my little wrist.

But instead of being thankful, and giving her a little smile. I would glare at her, and I would shout. "Stay away from me!" Pagkatapos tatanggalin ko ang pagkakahawak n'ya sa akin, at tatanggalin nang mabilis ang inilagay n'yang bracelet sa kamay ko.

"Umalis ka! Iwan mo ako!" patuloy na pagsigaw ko sa kanya.

Makikita ko 'yong sakit sa mga mata n'ya. 'Yong hadpi ng ginawa ko sa kanya. Pero sa huli tatayo s'ya kukunin ang tinapon ko, 'tapos haharap ulit sa akin nang may malapad na ngiti sa labi.

"Uulitin ko na lang... ang bilis pa lang mapigtas nito, kaya siguro ayaw mo..." Hindi s'ya titigil, at kukunin ang mga perlas na bilog na nasira dahil sa ginawa ko. "Babalik ako ah? Mas gagandahan ko, para tanggapin mo na!"

Tatakbo po s'ya papalayo sa akin. I didn't know what to feel. I just wanted her to stop approaching me. I just wanted her gone. Who was she anyway? Her parents helped my parents, but that doesn't mean we could be friends!

I didn't need any friends! No one was worth trusting! Everyone would someday... leave you behind.

They would curse you when you needed them the most... everyone... would look at themselves first before anything else...

Kaya bakit pilit n'ya akong pinapakisamahan?

Bakit n'ya ako pilit na nilalapitan?

Bakit n'ya ako gugustuhin maging kaibigan?

Kung sa huli... ang ibibigay lang din naman sa akin... sakit at tingin ng takot?

Hindi ko kailangan 'yon. Hindi ko kailangan 'yon. Hindi ko kailangan 'yon. Kasi sa huli... sarili ko lang din naman ang aasahan ko... sarili ko lang 'yong tutulong sa akin... sa huli... sarili ko lang.

The triplets would always try to find, play, and talk to me. But I would only look at them blankly. I would only stare at them lifelessly. Sa huli... takot din ang tingin na ibibigay nila sa akin.

'Yong tingin na 'yon...

'Yong mga tingin na 'yon na marahang pumapatay sa loob-loob ko...

The triplets would help Momo and Dada. They became a little distant from me... because I distanced myself at them. Madalas akong solo. Pilit kinakausap ni Dada at Momo madalas, pero nanatiling walang imik at tulala.

I just didn't want to see them hurt again... alam ko naman kasing ako 'yong dahilan kung bakit patuloy na nasasaktan at nahihirapan si Dada at Momo.

Momo was struggling with her pregnancy; Dada was trying so hard to make it okay for us... I just didn't want to add burdens to them.

When the next day came, I sat in front of our little hut again. I only looked at the ocean.

The ocean that was swaying with the waves, the ocean that was glistening with the sun's grace, and the ocean with a depth that no one discovered yet how deep it could go...

"Magandang umaga, Mira!" Even though I hadn't seen who approached me, I knew the owner of the voice. It was Luna again.

S'ya lang naman 'yong palaging naghahanap sa akin, 'tapos kapag nakikita akong nasa harap n'ya biglang babati ng gano'n.

"Ginawa ko nang mas maganda 'yong bracelet! Tingnan mo! Pinalagyan ko kay Mama ng pangalan mo!" tuwang-tuwang sabi nito at mabilis nilagay sa harap ko ang bracelet. She grabbed my small wrist again.

She slowly inserted the bracelet, as she showed me hers. I got irritated, I glared at her with nothing but annoyance.

When would she stop trying to befriend me?

When would she get the idea that... I was not capable of being... friends with anyone... anymore?

When would she get... that I was nothing but a monster?

"Ang ganda! Bagay na bagay sa 'yo! Parang mamahalin ang perlas na 'yan sa pulsuhan mo!" She would clap her hands while looking at me with a huge beam plastered on her face.

Tinanggal ko ang bracelet at mabilis na ibinato sa kanya. "Tigilan mo na ako! Iwan mo na ako!" isisigaw ko sa kanya. Magugulat s'ya pero ngingiti at tatawa.

"Bakit kita iiwan?" tatanungin n'ya sa pakainosenteng paraan, tatagilid ang ulo, at gamit ang mga mata n'yang puro... titingnan ako nito nang malumanay.

Masakit. Palagi kong nararamdaman 'yong hapdi sa lalamunan at sa pulsuhan sa mga tingin na 'yon.

"Bakit hindi?" itatanong ko pabalik ng walang emosyon.

I would always remember how her eyes would glow because of pooling tears, but she would always hold my hands delicately, she would show me her brightest and purest smile... nothing but a genuine and sincere smile. It would hurt me a lot.

I hate you... Luna.

Why would you smile at me?

I didn't deserve... to have something like that...

"Bakit kita iiwan, Miracle?" patuloy n'yang itatanong habang hawak nang marahan kamay ko at ilalagay ro'n ang bracelet na ginawa n'ya para sa akin. She would close my palms, so I could have it with me.

"Bakit kita... iiwan... kung 'yong mga mata mo... laging sumisigaw ng tulong?"

Nakangiting tanong n'ya pero papatak ang isang luha sa mga mata. I would only stare at her. My heart would hurt so bad. And I would walk away from her.

Still hating the bracelet she gave me.

Still... shoving the bracelet to her forcefully.

Still hating her for seeing... me.

"Ate!" Sasalubungin ako ni Rebel ng may ngiti, pero lalampasan ko lang s'ya na parang wala akong nakikita.

It was hard... it was killing me inside... looking at the triplets. And I would see... the three young boys in front of me, begging for mercy. Asking me to save them. But I would witness how bullets slowly being entombed in their bodies.

Magkukulong ako lagi sa kwarto at doon iiyak nang tahimik. Hindi ipapakita kahit kanino. Hindi gugustuhin na magpakita kay Momo at Dada na nahihirapan din.

Madalas wala si Dada para magtrabaho at asikasuhin si Momo. Momo was always taking care of the triplets, fighting with everything she had, and she would always look out for me. She would always check on me... but I would only look at her, and wouldn't really talk.

Kapag nakaupo ako sa kahoy naming kama, at tinatanaw ang labas ng dalampasigan sa may bintana, lalapit si Momo sa akin. Susuklayin n'ya ang buhok ko nang malumanay.

"Kailan mo kakausapin ulit... si Momo... Miracle?"

I would close my eyes and feel the breeze that would always give nothing but ache, and misery.

"Hindi mapapagod si Momo at Dada na maghinatay sa 'yo, anak..."

Maririnig ko lagi 'yong mahina, malumanay, pero halos maubos na natinig ni Momo sa akin... na tanging sakit ang hatid sa akin.

"Madalang mo kaming kinakausap... palagi kang magsolo... pero sana tatandaan mong mahal na mahal ka namin... nandito kami... para sa 'yo... anak..."

"H'wag mo sanang kakalimutan na nandito pa rin kami ni Dada... palaging mahihintay at magmamahal sa 'yo..."

Yayakapin n'ya ako nang mahigpit, at mananatili akong tulala, pero makakaramdam ng gaan sa piling n'ya.

Momo and Dada's hug... that would be my only solace.

Kapag nasa yakap nila akong dalawa. Lahat ng sakit... na araw-araw bumabalik sa akin, marahang nakakalimutan ng munting isip ko.

Gusto kong bumalik sa dati... gusto kong ngumiti kina Dada at Momo.

Gusto kong alagaan ulit sina Law, Justice at Rebel.

Gustong-gusto kong maging anak at kapatid nila ulit. Pero... 'yong takot sa puso ko na baka...

Baka tingnan nila ako ng takot, na baka... masaktan ko lang sila.

Hindi ko kaya.

Lalong-lalo na kada gabi... palagi akong binibisita sa panaginip ng mga bangungot na 'yon. Hindi ko kontrolado. Palagi akong magwawala at iiyak tuwing mapapanaginipan ko 'yon. Pakiramdam ko may kukuha sa akin. Pakiramdam ko... mauulit ulit.

"Miracle... Nandito si Dada, nandito si Dada anak... walang kukuha at magpapahirap sa 'yo..."

Yayakapin ako ni Dada nang mahigpit na mahigpit habang pilit akong kakawala at iiyak nang malakas mula sa kanya.

Momo would also try to calm me down, but she would also end up breaking down. Sobrang bilis pa naman ng emosyon ni Momo ngayon dahil sa pagbubuntis n'ya.

Si Dada ang magpapakatatag habang nagmamakaawa si Momo na kumalma ako, habang halos mawalan na s'ya ng boses at hininga para lang sabihin na ligtas ako. Pero wala ako sa sarili, iiyak at iiyak lang ako.

Kasi para akong nando'n ulit sa lugar na 'yon. Naririnig ko 'yong bulong sa pangalan ko. Naririnig ko 'yong pagmamakaawa sa akin ng mga taong namatay sa harap ko. Naririnig ko 'yong iyak ni Hope...

Makikita ko na naman 'yong tingin ng takot. 'Yong tingin ng matinding emosyon na kumakain sa puso ko.

Makikita ko lagi 'yong triplets sa may pinto. Nag-iiyakan, natatakot, at nasasaktan... kasi si Momo 'yong nahihirapan. At si Dada hindi alam ang gagawin. Yayakapin ako ng mga magulang ko nang mahigpit.

Halos hindi na nila maintindi ang triplets na nahihirapan din dahil sa akin.

"Miracle..." Dada would call my name repeatedly. "I love you, Miracle... I love you..."

"I love you, Miracle... mahal na mahal ka ni Momo..."

Paulit-ulit.

Paulit-ulit.

Paulit-ulit.

Maghihintay silang kumalma ako sa pagwawala at matinding pag-iyak. At 'yon lang ang palagi kong maririnig sa kanilang dalawa. Kahit madalas hindi ko maintindihan ang mga salitang 'yon, kahit madalas sakit lang ang hatid no'n sa hindi malamang dahilan... kahit papaano kakalma ako.

Mawawalan ng lakas... hanggang sa mawalan ng malay.

Gigising sa umaga na parang walang nangyari. Gigising at uupo, pero matutulala lang sa hangin. Yayapusin ako ni Momo at Dada at hahalikan sa noo. Kita ko palagi sa mga mata nila 'yong pagod at sakit...

Pero ni minsan hindi ko nakitaan 'yon ng pagsuko.

Ang triplets naman... lalapit sa akin, susubukan akong yakapin. Sasabihin kung gaano na nila ako nami-miss.

"Ate... Lagi na kitang tatawagin na Ate basta... maging okay ka lang ulit. Miss na miss ka na namin..." Law's voice would croak at me.

Hahaplusin ni Justice ang pisngi ko at hahalikan ako sa pisngi. "Ate... ikaw naman ang aalagaan ko... mahal ka namin..."

"Ate sabihin mo kapag may nang-aaway sa 'yo... nandito ako, Ate. Mahal ka namin..." Rebel would smile at me, and it would hurt my heart badly.

Ngunit ko sila magagawang tingnan dahil babalik sa utak ko ang imahe nilang umiiyak habang pinapanuod akong nahihirapan sa mga bangungot ko.

'Yong mga maga nilang mata... dahil hindi na nga makatulog sa iyak ko kada gabi... at takot na namumuo sa puso nila.

Who would see the triplets pain?

They were hurting, too... they were suffering, too... they were also trying to be okay...

Nakikita ko. Kaya gusto kong ibsan... pero paano?

Paano sila hindi masasaktan sa akin?

Ah... lalayo na lang... mas okay na lumayo na lang 'yong loob nila sa akin. Sa gano'ng paraan hindi na sila maapektuhan palagi nang sobra-sobra.

Aalagaan at tutulungan ng triplets si Momo habang wala si Dada. Lalabas ako at uupo sa buhangin. Pagmamasdan ko lang parati ang dagat na natatanaw, at dadamahin ang buhangin na kinauupuan ko.

"Mira!" It was her again. It was Luna that would sit beside me on the sand.

I didn't know why... why would she always go back to me, after I pushed her away repeatedly.

I didn't know why she would smile at me, when I only caused her pain.

I didn't know why she would want to stay beside me... beside someone like me.

"Mira! Ibinili ako ni Mama ng sundress! Sabi ko sa kanya, may bago pa naman ako! Pagkatapos naalala kita! Ibibigay ko 'tong isa sa 'yo!" Masaya n'yang kinuha sa supot 'yong damit at tuwang-tuwang ipapakita sa akin.

"Bakit..." bulong ko sa hangin habang nanatiling nakatitig sa kumikintab na dagat.

"Bagay na bagay sa 'yo! Isuot mo ah? 'Tapos sa susunod sumama ka sa amin sa bayan! Ang sarap no'ng kakanin do'n!" excited na excited na sambit nito.

Magsasabi s'ya ng magagandang kwento, kahit alam n'yang hindi ako nakikinig. Puro magagandang bagay lang ang palagi n'yang bukang bibig, at mananatili akong hindi lumilingon sa kanya.

"Bakit ka palaging bumabalik matapos kitang itaboy...?"

Ang akala kong mga salitang napapalad lang ng hangin at hinding-hindi n'ya maririnig dahil nasa isip ko lang 'to, ay biglang nagkaro'n ng pakpak at lumipad patungo sa kanyang tainga.

"Bakit mo ako pilit na itinataboy?" inosenteng itatanong n'ya sa akin.

"Masama akong tao..." I would whisper like it was a fact that I could never deny nor escaped from.

Ang marahan at magaang tawa n'ya ang palaging makakarating sa tainga ko. Hindi ko s'ya titingnan. But I could always feel that she was smiling at me, whether looking at me, or just looking at the vast endless sea.

"Si Miracle... 'yong batang palaging nakatulala at palaging hindi makausap..."

I would gaze at her, and she was only looking in front of us.

"Si Miracle 'yong batang hindi pinapansin o parang hangin lang sa kanya 'yong mga kapatid n'ya, pati pamilya n'ya..."

An unbelievable grip inside my heart was felt throughout my whole system when she voiced out those words tenderly.

"Pero si Miracle rin 'yong batang may mga matang akala mo walang buhay, pero nasasaktan palagi..."

"Si Miracle na inaalala lang 'yong kapakanan ng mga kapatid n'ya."

"Si Miracle na ayaw nasasaktan ang Momo at Dada n'ya."

"Si Miracle na patuloy pa ring gumigising kahit may bangungot gabi-gabi..."

"Si Miracle na itinataboy ka nga, pero titingnan pa rin 'yong likod mo para siguraduhing hindi ka umiiyak at ligtas ka..."

"Si Miracle... na nakapalambot ng mga kamay at puso..."

"Si Miracle na maganda ang mga mata, ilong, labi, at higit lahat... puso."

"Si Miracle na nasasaktan pero itinatago..."

"Si Miracle... na... gusto kong maging kaibigan..."

"Gusto kitang kaibigan, Miracle... kasi si Miracle ka..."

Isa-isang papatak ang mga luha ko sa mga mata na parang maliliit na butil ng perlas sa mga naririnig na salita sa kanya.

I knew she was always watching me... whether from afar or beside me. I didn't know she was also... looking more than that...

I would stand up, and go inside our house. Without looking back at her.

I didn't want her to see deeper. I didn't need anyone to see through me again. Because... once they looked at the fanthomless darkness inside me... they would look at the devil eyes to eyes.

Days, weeks, months passed by while we were at the island. Mas lumalaki na tyan ni Momo, at kahit papaano na sasanay na si Dada sa pamumuhay rito.

Pero halos gabi-gabi pa rin akong dinadalaw ng bangungot, at palaging iiyak, magwawala, at para akong mawawalan ng hininga. Palagi kong makikita si Momo at Dada... si Momo at Dada na hirap na hirap dahil sa akin.

Momo was trying to be okay, pero kita ko rin 'yong hirap sa kanya. She also having a hard time with her pregnancy.

Minsan na s'yang isinugod sa ospital dahil muntik nang malaglag ang kapatid namin isang beses.

'Tapos ngayon... naisugod na naman sa ospital dahil sa pagdurugo...

The triplest were bawling, and they didn't know what to do. And that was also the first time... I saw Dada cried in front of everyone. Isinugod si Momo sa ospital, si Dada... parang mawawalan na ng buhay.

Niyakap n'ya lang kaming apat no'n sa bisig n'ya habang umiiyak nang sobra-sobra sa mga balikat namin. Nakaupo na s'ya no'n sa sahig ng hallway, at tahimik na lumuluha sa mga nangyayari.

Mabuti na lang nando'n 'yong Mama ni Luna para s'ya 'yong mag-asikaso sa nangyayari sa ospital, dahil hindi na alam ni Dada ang gagawin.

Hirap na hirap si Dada... awang-awa ako sa kanya. Nag-iiyakan lang kami...

Hindi makakilos si Dada, hindi n'ya alam ang gagawin. Parang gusto na lang n'yang sumuko at magpahinga no'n. Para s'yang talong-talo sa laban.

'Yon yata 'yong isa sa pinakamasakit sa lahat. 'Yong makita 'yong pinakamamahal mong tatay na palaging pinipilit mabuhay, at lumaban... na sa isang iglap... parang nauubos na kandila na lang. Na sobrang hina... na sobrang ubos na ubos na.

"Nathaniel... h'wag kang mag-alala magiging okay ang mag-ina mo. Ipagdadasal namin sila." Pagpapagaan ng loob ng Mama ni Luna.

"Hindi ko alam... Elena... gusto ko lang ligtas si Light... hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag nawala si Light..."

Kita ko 'yong pagpipigil ng luha no'n ng mama ni Luna. Awang-awa kay Dada na umiiyak at nakasandal sa pader at nakaupo sa sahig, habang hawak-hawak kami ng triplets, na umiiyak din. Pinakalma rin ng mama ni Luna si Justice at Rebel.

S'ya 'yong yumakap sa mga kapatid kong takot na takot at sumisigaw.

"Si Momo! Si Momo! Si Momo!" Rebel would point out the way where Momo was brought in.

"Si Momo... may dugo... 'yong baby sister namin..." Law would say at Luna's Mom with tears, and heavy heart.

"Dada... okay lang si Momo at 'yong baby sister namin 'di ba?" Ni hindi makasagot si Dada sa lumuluhang tanong ni Justice.

Nayakap n'ya lang kaming dalawa habang mukhang pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. He was shaking his head while shedding painful tears. His bloodshot eyes were painful to watch. Mapapayakap na lang ako sa kanya ng walang salita.

Kasalanan ko... kung hindi... kung hindi ako naging ganito... hindi mangyayari kay Momo 'yon.

Kung hindi ko pinatay ang Empress... hindi kami hahabulin at pagtatangkaan ang buhay ni Momo at ng mga kapatid ko. Hindi mapupunta sina lolo at lola sa kanila... kasalanan ko.

"Elena!" Dumating din ang tatay ni Luna, kasama ang anak nila.

"Tobias!" At sila ng asawa n'ya ang nag-alaga sa amin ng triplets, habang nasa ospital si Momo, at Dada. Hindi kasi kami pwedeng magtagal do'n na magkakapatid.

"Okay lang po si Momo at Dada kasi po may mga doktor at nurse na mag-aalaga sa kanila po, 'di ba?" Justice would ask sweetly while Luna's father—Tobias, was carrying him. Hawak ni Tita Elena ang kamay ni Law at Rebel.

At hawak ni Luna ang kamay ko. Tulala lang ako no'n dahil sa pagkakabigla sa nangyari.

Inuwi kami ng mag-asawa sa maliit na kubo nila. Do'n pinakain at inalagaan nila kami habang wala pa si Momo at Dada mula sa ospital. Ilang araw at gabi rin kami ro'n, umuuwi si Dada sa amin para tingnan kami.

I saw how Dada looked like he aged a lot. "Si baby sister namin, Dada?" tanong ni Rebel sa kanya. At niyakap 'to at hinalikan.

"She's... she's a little..." Tumingala si Dada at pinigilan ang luha. "Sobrang liit n'ya..." Pinilit nitong ngumiti sa amin.

"Can we see her?!" excited na tanong ni Law. "I will take care of her, I promise!"

"Me too!" Itataas pa ni Justice ang kamay n'ya.

Nanatili lang akong nakahilig sa may pinto, pinapanuod sila. Wala akong lakas ng loob harapin sila. Wala akong lakas ng loob kamustahin 'yong bunsong kapatid namin... kasi hindi pa man s'ya ipinapanganak... sobrang unfair na kaagad sa kanya, dahil sa akin.

Momo couldn't take care of her properly when she was pregnant of her, because of me. Momo and the child's life was put in danger because of me... and now, because of my nightmares and all... kulang sa buwan ipinangak ang bunsong kapatid namin.

I heard Tita Elena and Tito Tobias talking... that Dada... almost gave up on our sister.

That he almost... just choose Momo's life over saving our little sister.

Hindi kaya ni Dada na wala si Momo. Kaya kahit mabigat ang kapalit... parang susugal pa rin s'ya.

The pain... the pain must have killed Dada countless of times.

It must have been so unbearable for him.

Iniisip ko pa lang 'yong matinding sakit na dinanas ni Dada. Parang pinipiga 'yong puso ko sa sobrang hapdi.

'Tapos nalaman ko rin na... our little sister...

That... our sister's heartbeat stopped when she was born, but miracously, survived death.

Ang sakit. Sobrang sakit na nangyari ang lahat ng 'yon dahil sa akin... kung hindi kami umalis at tumakas, kung hindi kami nagtatago... sana... sana hindi nangyari ang lahat ng 'to sa amin.

"What's her name, Dada?" tanong ni Law. Umupo si Dada sa paa n'ya para maging kalebel ang mga kapatid ko.

"What do you want to name her?" lumuluhang sambit ni Dada sa triplets.

"I want her to be Gabriel, too! I want her to be strong like you Dada... I love you Dada, you are always so strong... I'm sorry... for everything. I want to be strong like you Dada..." Law softly held Dada's hand, and wiped his tears.

Lalo nga lang naiyak si Dada sa narinig kay Law. Kitang-kita ko na halos mapaupo sa sahig si Dada dahil sa narinig mula sa kapatid ko. He tried to smile, but only broke into more tears.

Probably... hurt, and guilty that he... almost gave up on our sibling for Momo.

"But... I want to name her Light!" Nakangiting singit ni Rebel sa usapan.

"Really? Why...?" mahinang tanong ni Dada rito.

"Because... I want her to be the most precious person to all of us! Momo's name's Light right? And we all love her so much! I want her to be... as kind and pretty like our Momo!" Pumapalakpak na imik ni Rebel.

Tumango si Dada habang lumalandas ang mga luha sa mga mata.

"So we should name her... Gabriel Light?" tanong ni Dada sa triplets.

"But I want her name Fate!" Justice pouted, kaagad na tumingin si Dada sa kanya, at saka nginitian.

"Fate? Why did you choose Fate?" nalilitong tanong ni Dada sa kapatid.

"Because I wanted her to change our fate... I didn't want to hide anymore... I miss everyone... I miss our family..." Justice sad face made Dada break down.

Inisa-isa pa n'ya 'yong pangalan ng mga pinsan at kaibigan namin. Lahat memorya n'ya, 'yong mga mata n'ya sobrang excited at halos tumalon 'to dahil sa naiisip na baka pwede na kaming bumalik.

That... made my world crumble.

Niyakap ni Dada ang triplets habang umiiyak nang sobra-sobra sa bisig nila.

They triplets were crying but smiling. Hindi ako lumapit. Nanatili lang akong nakatago at pinapanuod sila. Umalis din si Dada dahil kailangan s'ya ni Momo at ng kapatid namin. Pinagbilin n'ya lang ulit kami sa mga magulang ni Luna.

Luna played with the triplets. And I was only looking at the sea. The burden in my heart was getting heavier and heavier each second, and each passing day.

When Dada and Momo came back... hindi nila kasama si Gabby. Gabby was still at the hospital. Momo looked like she came back from the dead. Hindi mo makakausap, hindi mo malalapitan. I could see myself in her.

I could see that she was... suffering, too.

The triplets were starting to learn from Luna. On how they could make some accessories from the shells, and other sea corals. They also discovered on how to make dried fishes, and other things that could lessen Dada and Momo's burden.

They were starting to cope up... they were staring a new life.

But I ruined it all.

Every night, the nightmare of that crimson moon and ruthless crown would haunt me.

Hirap na hirap si Momo. Palagi s'yang umiiyak at hindi alam ang gagawin dahil sa nangyayari. Wala pa rin si Gabby, at kitang-kita ko 'yong sakit kay Momo hatid sa nangyari.

She just looked so different. She was not taking care of herself anymore. Walang kain, walang ligo, wala sa sarili.

She was always mad at the triplets... she was staring to shout, and shut the triplets out.

Kung dati gabi-gabi... niyayakap at kinakausap ako ni Momo... ngayon hindi na n'ya ginawa. She was pushing us all away.

Dada was there for her; he would always comfort her... but Momo would just end up crying and begging on his shoulders. Ang sakit-sakit makitang gano'n si Momo... at halos hindi na alam ni Dada ang gagawin.

Araw-araw kita ko kung paano halos sisihin ni Momo ang sarili n'ya sa lahat-lahat.

"Bakit ba ang kulit-kulit n'yo!? Sinabing h'wag kayong makialam hindi ba?!" she shouted at the triplets one day, when they tried to cook for her, but it only ended up in a mess.

Kaagad akong pumagitna dahil napagbuhatan ni Momo ng kamay ang mga kapatid ko.

Unang beses ko s'yang nakitang gano'n. She looked so lost, angry, and tired. Umiiyak ang triplets sa likod ko, halos yakapin ako at napaupo na lang si Momo habang umiiyak.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." she begged for forgiveness. And the triplets were still afraid of her.

Lumabas na lang kami sa bahay no'n, at nakita si Dada na kagagaling lang mula sa ospital para kay Gabby. Hindi pa rin namin nakikita si Gabby, at ilang linggo na rin ang nakalipas.

"What happened?" tanong nito sa akin nang makita na halos umiiyak nang sobra-sobra ang triplets at hindi kumakalma.

"Momo's scary... Dada!" Rebel bawled. And Dada looked alarmed and went inside the hut running.

Kaagad naman kaming nakita ni Luna habang tumutulong 'to sa Mama Elena n'ya habang nagpapatuyo ng mga isda. Nilapitan kami ng mag-ina. They made us sit on their table and chairs outside their house.

Hindi nagtanong ang mag-ina sa nangyari kung bakit umiiyak ang mga kapatid ko. Binigyan kami ng miryenda ni Luna at ng Mama n'ya. At least, because of them... the triplets started giggling and smiling again.

Looking at the triplets... they really have grown. But it was still hard for me to look at them, because flashes of the pleads of the young boys would always make it hard for me to breathe.

Naglakad ako pabalik sa kubo namin, at nanatili sa labas no'n. Narinig ko si Momo at Dada na nag-uusap habang parehas na umiiyak. Basag na basag 'yong puso ko sa naririnig. Marahang paglandas lang ng mga luha mula sa mga mata ko ang tanging nagawa ko.

"Light! Please..." pagmamakaawa ni Dada.

"Hindi ko na alam, Gab... hindi ko na alam. Ang bigat-bigat ng puso ko... hindi ko alam bakit ang bilis ko magalit, kung bakit palagi akong kinakain ng lungkot... ang hirap sobrang hirap..."

"Mahirap sobrang hirap, pero kailangan natin maging lakas ng isa't isa..." Dada begged her.

"Hindi ba pwede maging mahina... hindi ba pwede... ayoko na Gab... suko na ako. Sobrang suko na ako..."

"L-Light!" Dada shouted with a breaking voice. "Paano si Fate, Light?"

"Kasalanan ko... kasalanan ko kung ba't... hirap si Fate ngayon... kasalanan ko kung bakit muntik na s'yang mawalan ng buhay. Sana kasi inalagaan ko 'yong sarili ko... sana kasi... mas naging matatag ako..." Momo's voice was painful to hear.

"Light... h'wag naman ganito... h'wag naman magsisihan..."

"Kasalanan ko!" Momo's voice screamed, and I heard some things being thrown, and a loud cry. It broke my heart.

"Kung sana... kung sana naprotektahan ko si Miracle, kung sana nagawa kong alagaan ang sarili ko para kay Fate... nakakapagod Gab... gusto ko na lang sumuko..."

"Light... I love you. I love you so much..." Dada cooed, and I heard Momo's muffled cries.

"Talo na ako, Gab... gusto ko na lang sumuko..."

Pakiramdam ko nasa sahig si Momo ngayon habang yakap-yakap ni Dada at parehas silang umiiyak.

"I'm hopeless, Gab... I feel hopeless... tired... and I just wanted to give up..." halos ibulong ni Momo 'yon.

"Iiwan mo na naman ako?" Dada's voice was making me feel so shattered.

Para kasing lahat-lahat ginawa at binigay na ni Dada. Pero kahit ano'ng hawak n'ya sa pamilya namin... marahan na talaga 'tong nababasag sa mga kamay n'ya. Pero kahit dumudugo na 'yung mga palad n'ya para lang maisalba 'to... ginagawa n'ya pa rin.

"Fate's fighting..." I heard Dada's sobs. "Fate's waiting for you, Light... please... come with me to the hospital... please see her. Please..." pagmamakaawa nito.

Mas lumakas ang iyak ni Momo. "Hindi... ayoko... hindi... wala akong karapatan..."

"Pagod na rin ako sa lahat, Light. Pero sana... h'wag mo akong sukuan. H'wag mo sukuan 'yong pamilya natin..."

"H'wag mo sukuan si Miracle... H'wag mo sukuan si Law... H'wag mo sukuan si Justice... H'wag mo sukuan si Rebel... at naghihintay si Fate para sa 'yo... lumalaban 'yong bunso natin... para mahagkan mo..."

Winarak ng ilang beses ang puso ko sa mga narinig kay Dada.

Hindi ko na narinig pa ang boses nila no'ng umalis ako ro'n at lumapit sa may dalampasigan at umupo sa may buhanginan. Patuloy akong lumuha ng tahimik dahil do'n. Pakiramdam ko kasalanan ko lahat... pakiramdam ko karma 'yon dahil sa ginawa kong pagpatay noon.

Buhay ko... buhay ko 'yong kailangan ng mga kalaban para matapos ang lahat hindi ba?

I saw the waves of the ocean...

It was calm, soothing, and shining. It suddenly felt like it was calling me... to discover its depths, and darkness. The colour aqua... how long with it be so light... would I see how dark it could get when I step in there?

Would the waves erase all my bad memories?

Would the waves... clear my tears?

Would the waves... slowly sooth my parent's sorrow?

Would the waves make the triplets smile?

Would the waves... engulf me to end this life?

"Mira!" I stopped on my track while I was walking to the waves. "Laro tayo? Habulan?" masayang paanyaya pa ni Luna. Bago ko pa tahakin ang daan sa mga alon, hinila ako ni Luna papalayo ro'n at papalapit sa mga kapatid ko.

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi magpaubaya sa gusto n'ya... dahil nang pagkakataong 'yon naramdaman ko ang kakaibang bigat at panghihina sa puso ko.

At nang tumingin ako sa kalangitan... tila nakakita ang mga mata ko ng kulay pulang buwan kahit mataas ang sikat ng araw.

Weeks passed by, and Luna was there for the triplets. We thought Momo would be okay, after she and Dada talked. But... no... itago man ni Momo, kitang-kita ko pa rin 'yong marahan n'yang pagbabago.

She wouldn't eat that much... palagi s'yang walang gana. Dada would beg her to eat, but they would fight because of it.

Inilalabas ko na lang ang triplets sa bahay kapag nangyayari 'yon, at si Luna ang kaagad nilang pinupuntahan. Nanatili naman ako sa harap ng bahay namin, at do'n ko naririnig ang pagtatalo nina Momo at Dada.

Nakakabingi. Nakakapagod. Nakakaubos.

Parang said na said na si Dada sa pakikiusap kay Momo. Minsan naiiyak na lang s'ya kapag nag-aaway at nagtatalo sila.

Ayaw ni Momo pumunta sa ospital para tingnan ang kalagayan n'ya, ayaw n'ya ring bisitahin si Gabby. Madalas palagi s'yang nagagalit sa amin ng triplets, pero matapos ang ilang oras... yayakapin n'ya kami na parang walang nangyari.

Minsan para s'yang palaging pagod na pagod at walang buhay. Hindi makausap. Hindi kumikilos. Nasa labas lang s'ya ng bahay sa may silong, nakaupo sa buhangin, habang nakayakap sa sariling tuhod.

Minsan nakatulala at inuuga ang sarili. Madalas... umiiyak nang sobrang tahimik.

Ginagawa ni Dada ang lahat, pero minsan... nakikita ko sa kanya 'yong pagod. Pagod kay Momo. Pagod sa akin. Pagod sa triplets. Pagod sa trabaho. Pagod sa pag-aalaga at pagpunta kay Gabby. Pagod din sa buhay na mayroon kami ngayon...

Hindi ko nga alam kung paano kinakaya ni Dada ang lahat eh.

I would wake up in the night... crying, losing myself in rage and nightmare. He would hug, and hum a song for me.

Wala s'yang tulog, kasi kapag matatapos ako sa matinding sakit ng bangungot. Si Momo ang magigising at iiyak sa bisig n'ya.

Minsan ko ring narinig si Momo na may sinabi kay Dada habang hindi 'to makatulog sa gabi.

"Gab... paano kung mawala ako?"

Parang sinaksak 'yong puso ko.

I heard Momo confessed... that she was having suicidal thoughts.

That she was on the verge of giving up... and she didn't know why she was feeling that way... and funny...

Funny... how I completely understood her that moment.

That endless darkness, that endless pain in your heart. Wala ka mang gawin, wala ka mang isipin, bigla na lang lalabas, para hilahin ka... para sandaling magbigay sa 'yo ng ideya...

'Yong iyak ni Dada no'ng malaman n'ya 'yon kay Momo. 'Yon yata 'yong pinakatahimik na iyak n'ya pero 'yong iyak na 'yon ang pinakamalakas ang epekto sa puso ko. Hindi n'ya binitawan si Momo ng gabing 'yon.

He didn't say anything...

He just let Momo cry...

He was just hugging her...

But... it was painful.

I cried to sleep that night. Hoping that the pain would be once again become bearable tomorrow.

Lumipas ang ilang linggo no'n at pumayag si Momo na sumama kay Dada sa ospital. Pumayag s'ya na magpatingin sa doktor, pero ang alam ko... ayaw n'ya pa ring mahawakan o makita man lang si Gabby.

Kung wala si Luna at ang mga magulang n'ya, hindi namin alam ng triplets ang gagawin. Tita Elena and Tito Tobias took care of us like we were their own children. Sobrang pasasalamat ko sa kanila dahil do'n.

The triplets... felt like they were still children with Luna.

Maglalaro sila.

Mag-aasaran.

Magtatawanan.

Si Luna 'yong nag-aalaga sa kanila.

Si Luna 'yong nagtatanggol sa kanila kapag may mga batang umaaway sa kanila.

Si Luna 'yong nando'n sa kanila kapag hirap na hirap sila dahil sa mga mood swings ni Momo.

Momo was still recovering, although going to the hospital every now and then.

Ilang buwan din ang nakalipas no'n... at sa wakas, dumating si Dada sa isla... kasama si Gabby. The triplets were so excited to see our baby sister after how many months that she stayed in the incubator and the hospital.

I thought Momo would finally start to be okay with Gabby.

But I was wrong... mas lumalala yata.

Momo... didn't want to see Gabby.

Momo... didn't want to touch Gabby.

Momo... didn't even smile—even once—at Gabby.

"Ilayo mo s'ya Gab, parang awa mo na! Ilayo mo! Ayaw ko s'yang makita! Parang awa mo na... please..."

Momo beseeched at Dada, when Gabby was crying so hard one day. Gutom na gutom na yata si Gabby, kasi naubusan ng gatas, pero wala kaming gatas na ipapainom sa kanya.

"Light..." Halos lumuhod si Dada habang hawak-hawak si Gabby na walang tigil sa pag-iyak.

"Gab, no! Please... parang awa mo na... para akong nasisiraan ng bait! Baka masaktan ko s'ya... parang awa mo na..." Momo cried on the floor, punching her chest.

Umalis si Dada sa bahay habang umiiyak at dala-dala si Gabby. Siguro hahanap ng gatas. Siguro hihingi ng tulong. Sobrang lakas at nakakabingi ang iyak ni Momo matapos 'yon.

Lumabas ako sa bahay at nakita ang triplets sa may harap, sa may silong.

"Ayoko na kay Gabby..." I heard Rebel murmured.

"Palagi n'ya pinapaiyak si Momo..." Justice cried, and hugged Rebel.

"Simula no'ng dumating si Gabby... mas mahirap kausap si Momo... lagi s'yang galit at umiiyak..." Law told us while shedding tears.

"Kasalanan ba ni Gabby?" Justice asked innocently while crying.

"Si Dada rin... Dada always looked so tired, and sad. Tuwing iiyak si Gabby... Dada looked so exhausted..." Rebel looked so hurt.

I shook my head at the triplets. Tears kept cascading down my cheeks. It hurt me so much that they were starting to hate Gabby because of the situation. They were starting to distance themselves from Gabby.

Sobrang sakit. Walang papantay sa sakit no'n.

"Paeng, Kael, Eon!" tawag ni Luna sa triplets. "Oh, Mira!" She only saw me when she walked in front of us.

"Luna..." Umiiyak si Justice nang lapitan 'to. "Ayaw na namin kay Gabby..." he added while sobbing. Luna's eyes widened.

"Kapatid n'yo 'yon! Mahal n'yo dapat 'yon!" Luna shouted at the triplets.

"Pero... simula no'ng dumating si Gabby..." Hindi maituloy ni Law ang sinasabi dahil napapaiyak 'to tuwing maalala kung paano mas naging mahirap ang lahat sa amin, simula no'ng dumating si Gabby. Hindi na nga namin malapitan si Momo madalas.

Luna looked so conflicted and sad because of the triplets. She only ended up hugging each of them to soothe them. Mas umiyak ang triplets dahil do'n. Pinagaan ni Luna ang pakiramdam nila no'ng magkwento 'to tungkol sa ibang bagay.

Samantalang ako... kinakain ng lungkot at sakit.

When Luna and the triplets went to the Melendez's hut. I was left alone... again.

Maybe because they didn't see me. Or maybe because when they asked me about going with them... my mind was nothing but blank.

Lahat mabigat.

Lahat masakit.

Lahat puro matinding dilim lang ang dala.

I wanted to... rest, too.

Ang sakit na si Momo makitang gano'n... whenever she would look at me... I would remember that look... that look that I received from that night. Terror, sadness, tiredness. All those emotions in one.

Napapikit ako.

Silhouette.

I heard that name. And I saw red and black.

I saw that bloody cage of terror. Para akong bumalik sa gabing 'yon... sa gabing kung saan... sana namatay na lang ako.

Sana nawala na lang ako. Sana hindi na ako nakauwing buhay at ligtas.

Kung nangyari sana 'yon... sana hindi magiging gano'n si Momo at ang triplets kay Gabby.

Kung sana nawalan ako ng buhay ng gabing 'yon... sana tinigilan na sila ng kalaban.

Buhay ko naman ang gusto nila hindi ba?

Matatapos ba ang lahat... matatapos ba ang lahat... kapag nakuha na nila ang gusto nila simula ng sumilay ang pulang buwan sa langit?

Buhay kapalit ng buhay... ang buhay ko na magiging kabayaran sa lahat ng kasalanan...

Makikita ko bang ngumiti ulit sina Dada kapag natapos na ang pagtakas at pagtatago nila sa mga kalaban?

I stood up from my sit. The ocean. Its depth.

I felt the rawness of the sand on my feet. I saw walked towards the ocean.

It was glistening... the waves were calm and bright. Maybe it would finally wash away all the darkness. Maybe it would offer me peace.

Silhouette.

It seemed like it was calling my name since the beginning, but I was ignoring it. I walked there. I walked to the ocean. I walked there with nothing but a caged mind.

The blade I buried in the hearts of the people... who begged mercy in front of me... The blade gave them peace, right?

If I were to drown in the ocean of their blood... would their voices of plead, and anger towards me... finally going to set me free from the chains and cage that called me Silhouette?

Naramdaman ko ang alon sa mga paa ko. The coldness of the waves, suddenly felt warm. I closed my eyes. I only saw my cage. I was sitting in there. I was crying helplessly while seeing the eyes that made me feel so bound with helplessness.

"Mira!"

"Mira!"

"Mira!"

The voice I was hearing was muffled. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi n'ya. Puro alon at tubig ang naririnig ko. Gusto ko na lang maglakad nang maglakad patungo sa malalim na dagat. Kasi... marahang nawawala ang lahat ng bigat sa kada hakbang ko sa mas madilim na parte nito.

Mabilis ang kasunod na pangyayari... I opened my eyes. I couldn't breathe... but it made everything lighter.

I couldn't breathe... but I finally felt like I could finally breathe...

So, this was what it felt like... to drown... but I was at peace.

To almost see nothing but darkness, but I was able to see a little luminance.

"Mira! Mira! Mira! H'wag mo akong bibitawan Mira!"

I want to live...

I held the hand that was holding me tightly.

I want to live... and I suddenly felt like I could live again with the depths of the ocean.

"Luna! Luna! Luna!"

"Miracle!"

Hindi ko maintindihan ang kasunod na nangyari. Kinain ako ng dilim, habang naririnig ko ang sigaw ng mga magulang ni Luna, ng triplets, at ni Dada.

Nagising na lang ako... at nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko habang umuubo at masakit ang dibdib... 'Tapos nakita ko si Luna... umiiyak, halos hindi alam ang gagawin, ang triplets... umiiyak din. Si Dada umiiyak habang karga si Gabby na umiiyak.

Luna's parents were almost bawling almost out of breath.

I was blank that moment. I didn't know what happened. Alam ko lang dinala ako sa bahay ulit. The triplets, Momo, Dada, and Gabby were all crying but no one was speaking.

Nakatulala lang ako no'n matapos mabihisan ni Momo, mula sa basang-basang damit.

Nakatulog si Gabby sa pag-iyak. At nando'n ako sa kwarto kasama s'ya, tahimik kami parehas. Nakatingin lang ako sa kawalan.

At doon ko napagtanto ang nangyari.

I wanted to live... and the ocean felt like it could relieve me from all the heaviness in my heart and mind.

'Tapos si Luna... sinugal n'ya 'yong buhay n'ya.

Kahit alam n'yang pwede s'yang malunod—kahit gusto n'yang humingi ng tulong, pero kapag ginawa n'ya 'yon, baka mahuli ang lahat... kaya s'ya mismo...

S'ya mismo ang sumugal, para lang iligtas ako...

Her eyes when I opened my eyes. Screamed nothing but worries, and love.

Tears streamed down my cheeks.

Muntik ko na s'yang isama sa pagkakalunod. Dapat sisisihin n'ya ako. Dapat magagalit s'ya sa akin.

Pero... bakit gano'n 'yong tingin n'ya sa akin? Bakit... isasakripisyo n'ya 'yong buhay n'ya para sa akin?

Tinaboy ko s'ya nang tinaboy. Sinabihan ng masasakit na salita. Hindi pinakitaan ng kabaitan.

Pero bakit nanatili s'yang nakakapit nang mahigpit sa mga kamay ko... no'ng halos gusto kong sumigaw na gusto ko pang mabuhay?

Luna... patawad.

I thought... after that incident... Luna would be afraid of me, and her parents would be mad at us. They gave us nothing but kindness and help, and they almost lost their child because of me. But instead... they became more caring towards us.

Momo was going to the hospital every now and then. I was also going there... but I was always mum when the doctor tried to talk to me.

Weeks and days passed by like that...

Momo was getting better, but she still didn't want to hold Gabby.

I thought... I was also getting better. But the ocean kept calling me.

I could see the triplets' suffering and they were becoming suffocated, and lifeless because of what happened. Palaging sakit at hirap ang nakikita ko sa mga mata nila.

Gusto kong matanggal 'yon... pero paano?

Ah... the ocean. The ocean that could wash all the heaviness away.

And this time... I held the triplets' hand with mine, while I have Gabby at my back with a cloth.

Momo didn't want Gabby right? Then... I would make sure... she'd never see Gabby again. I would make sure the triplets would never hate Gabby again. And Dada wouldn't look so fatigued because of Gabby again.

"Ate... will make your heart feel lighter... hindi na kayo mahihirapan..." sambit ko sa triplets, at tumango sila at ngumiti sa akin.

At napatingin ako sa dagat, bago kami nagsimulang maglakad papunta ro'n. Habang hawak-hawak at karga-karga ang mga kapatid ko... like what I expected... the ocean welcomed us to its violent waves.

Another incident happened.

Parang mababaliw si Dada at Momo sa nangyari. Kung hindi dahil kay Luna... kung hindi dahil sa kanya... siguro tuluyan na akong binawi ng dagat sa pamilya ko at nadamay pa ang mga kapatid ko.

Naospital sina Law, Justice, Rebel at Gabby sa nangyari. They almost drowned with me.

Luna was the one who saved them.

Natakot ang triplets sa akin. Hindi na nila ako nilapitan o kinausap simula no'n. Gabby once again survived. She survived after being almost killed twice because of me.

Everything fell apart. Everyting just kept falling apart.

Naospital ako. Hindi na ako umuwi dahil do'n. Nanatili ako sa ospital. Hindi ko alam ang buong pangyayari pero palagi lang din akong nakatulala, umiinom ng gamot, at paminsan-minsan lang nakakausap.

Si Luna. Si Luna ang palaging bumibisita sa akin. Hindi n'ya kasama ang triplets. Takot pa rin sa akin ang triplets. Pero si Luna... patuloy akong binalikan.

Si Luna na magkwekwento ng masasayang bagay sa akin.

Si Luna na may dalang paboritong cookies at pagkain ko.

Si Luna na may bracelet na ginawa n'ya para sa akin.

Si Luna na nagsasabi na inaalagaan n'ya ang triplets at si Momo at Dada.

Si Luna na ni minsan hindi nakalimot bisitahin ako araw-araw.

Si Luna na tinuturuan ako mag-drawing, magkulay, gumawa ng teddy bear at iba pang bagay.

Si Luna na nagbibigay sa akin ng mga sulat at magagandang salita.

Si Luna na ni minsan hindi nawalan ng ngiti sa labi kapag kausap ako.

Si Luna... si Luna... si Luna... 'yong naging panibagong lakas ko. 'Yong mga ngiti n'ya... ang naging simula ng pagsasalita at pagngiti kong muli...

If it weren't for Luna... I would have stayed in the hospital all my childhood...

But because of her... I saw a new light. Despite everything that she experienced with me, she still came back with a smile of love to me.

And those smiles... those gazes of love in her eyes...

And through those...

I finally found the meaning of Miracle.

Ah... I wasn't Silhouette anymore... I was... Miracle.

And I was Miracle with Luna's help.

Time passed, and I was getting better. I was smiling more often. I talked about my fears. Dada and Momo was always with me all throughout. I didn't know much about Gabby, and the triplets... but I was starting to feel happy.

Genuinely happy.

I was always excited to see Luna. I was always jolly around Luna.

Luna saw the invisible me, the hurt me, the drowning me... and she stayed with her eyes never chaging into something that would make me feel powerless. She made me feel that I could stand up again, that I could be with them again...

It was enough. It was more than enough.

After a year and a few months... I was finally able to see my family again... after being discharged from the hospital.

I was finally able to smile at them again.

Gabby looked like a cute chubby baby. Karga-karga s'ya ni Momo habang kumakaway sa pagbalik ko sa kanila.

Momo held Gabby for the first time when she turned one-year old.

I held Luna's hand... seeing my family looked at me with sincere smiles on their faces... smiles after a really long time.

After all the storms we went through... I was finally able to see their beams of real bliss.

"Welcome home... Miracle..." Luna murmured as she pulled my hand to go to Momo, Dada, Law, Justice, Rebel and Gabby.

Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak kay Luna. At nang makarating kami sa harap ng pamilya ko na sobrang kakaiba at sobra ang saya sa mga mata at labi... napuno ng kakaibang init at pagkakuntento ang puso ko.

"Welcome home... our Miracle..."

And I was finally able to arrive home... safely.

***