"Rise from the ashes II Book 1" by AmaranthineSweven

Overall:

To begin, full disclosure, I don't read fanfiction--I have so many books that I already own that I haven't read yet that I've never had the inclination to pick up fanfiction. Because of this, I'm unfamiliar with fanfiction tropes and devices, and I approached this story the same way I would approach an original piece of fiction.

Overall, I enjoyed your writing voice; I liked the sarcastic tone it had at times and the asides to the reader. It reminded me of the Snicket narrator-type stories I read when I was a kid, and I miss that sort of informality between the text and the reader in stories these days.

Specifics:

Plot

The biggest issue I found was there wasn't a plot driving the narrative forward. Things tended to just happen to the characters episodically, and while there were hints of things going on beneath the surface, there wasn't a hook to keep the engagement. 

This is an issue that comes a lot in early drafts, since you as the writer are still learning what the story is and what you want out of it, but I do think it would be beneficial to take a moment and bullet point what the major events of the story to figure out what sort of scenes are still needed to tell the story.

Generally, it'll look something like this written out:

Act One:

Sequence 1: Point of Attack/Inciting Incident:

Sequence 2:

Act Two:

Sequence 3:

Sequence 4: 

Midpoint

Sequence 5:

Sequence 6:

Act Three:

Sequence 7: climax

Sequence 8:

Sequences are defined as the build and release of tension while still contributing to the main tension, and can include several chapters to do this. 

Using Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as an example, it would look something like this:

Act One:

Sequence 1: Chapters 1-9: The tension builds and rises with the upcoming Quidditch World Cup, sequence ends when the tension is relieved at the end of The Dark Mark and the Golden trio return home. Main tension is established in Chapter one of Voldemort discussing his plan to kill Harry, which will drive the plot of the story of how his plan will come to fruition.

Sequence 2: Chapters 10-16: Tension is built through the mystery of the "event" that is going to occur at Hogwarts this year and with the picking of the champions. The tension is released when Harry's name comes out of the Goblet of Fire.

Act Two:

Sequence 3: Chapters 17-19: Can Harry survive the first task? Also, who put his name in the Goblet of Fire and are they trying to kill him (remember the main tension: we know Voldemort is plotting to kill him right now)

Sequence 4: Chapters 20-28: Can Harry survive the second task? Also, what is going on with Mr. Couch?

Sequence 5: Midpoint: Chapter 28: The Mr. Couch mystery comes to a head when he shows up and just as suddenly disappears

Sequence 6: Chapters 29-31: Can Harry survive the third task? 

Act Three:

Sequence 7: Chapters 32-34: climax: Voldemort is reborn. The tension that has been building throughout the novel maxes out with Voldemort explaining how he was able to be reborn and his dual with Harry. Tension is released when Harry is able to escape with his life.

Sequence 8: Chapters 35-37: tension continues to be released. We find out who was responsible for the events of the novel (Barty Crouch Jr.), the events are addressed and concluded. 

These are overall points, so you don't need to get into the details of "I need a scene here to establish this thing, or the reader will be confused in later chapters with this event"; this exercise is meant to show you how the plot points you have contributed to the larger plot and which areas may need to be beefed up. 

Scenes also don't usually fit into a neat "1/4 of the book is Act one, 1/2 is Act two, 1/4 is Act three" break down, so it's okay if the midpoint happens 60% into the book. 

Blurb

"Esme Blair Carson, the prankster and the 14-year old witch of a particular school of witchcraft and wizardry, Hogwarts.

In other words, a typical reckless teenager.

But she isn't normal, there is something peculiar about her that even she could not quite figure out. But after a surprising event takes place in her life, will she finally find the answers she has been looking for?

Will she be glad that her questions were answered, or will she regret ever trying to search for them in the first place?

Find it out yourself, dear reader..."

The hook in the first part is good; "something peculiar about her" is a good intriguing start that makes you want to read more. 

There's some minor wording issues, as the first sentence is not a complete thought: "Esme Blair Carson, the prankster and the 14-year old witch of a particular school of witchcraft and wizardry, Hogwarts," needs more so it's not a fragment. 

You do need more consice details of the story, especially towards the end of the blurb. "She isn't normal"→ How isn't she normal? "After a surprising event" → What is the event? "Will she finally find the answers she has been looking for?" → What is she looking for in the first place?

I think using the plot exercise above it will help you craft the blurb here, since you'll have the specifics on hand from the exercise to give specifics on what your story will be about.

Improvements:

Show, don't Tell

Throughout the novel, there were a lot of instances of telling, rather than showing, the story. This is one of, if not the most, commonly quoted writing advice, but it is also often misunderstood. I want to give an example of what I mean by it because of this.

In general, Show, don't Tell means that the events of the story are shown to the reader rather than described. For example, if you write, "this character was reckless," you are telling the reader that they are reckless, rather than letting the reader come to that conclusion as they read. 

For specific a example, from Chapter 2:

This flashback tells the reader what happened in the past rather than shows them what it was like to stand on the train platform, how she was feeling, and what was happening. There's no plot movement in the descriptions either, so while I can tell you what the scene looks like, it doesn't yet serve the story yet, which is ultimately what ever description needs to do. 

A really quick way to catching parts where you're telling is to check for being verbs (am, is, was, were, being, etc). "Esme was walking barefoot, and was in her night gown", tells us what she was doing, whereas something like, "Emse crossed the room, barefoot, her night gown fluttering at her ankles," shows us what she's doing. You don't have to show all the time (in fact, a lot of the unique sound of each writer's voice is how they blend showing and telling), but you do want to be showing at least 70-80% of the time. 

It gets easier with practice deciding what to show and what to tell, but I do recommend reworking as much as you can to show the story to get used to what showing feels like. 

Closing Thoughts:

I think you have a lot to work on here, but that's okay! To quote Marie Kondo, "I love mess!" Every writer starts from somewhere, and the more you write, the more your skills will improve. I'm providing these tips as things to focus on as you learn your craft, since there's so many balls you have to juggle when you write it's easy to get overwhelmed but it all. 

There were lines throughout that I absolutely loved, such as "Remember, Esme, even the devil was once an angle," and, "It seemed to be her only companion at night, giving her a warm, protective feeling in the cold, dangerous darkness." You should definitely keep at it and keep enjoying writing!