The Summary

A girl named Verlaine does something magical and now must pay with her destiny (I'm not sure what that means), is trapped as an AI (though not for long evidently) and must fight her way back to Earth (although there is no hint of this part of the journey in the 9 or so chapters that are up).

The Blurb

Nothing. Like the void it talks about, there is nothing here to really tell readers what this story is about. The main character's name is dropped and she did something and now has to fight something to get back to Earth.

What did she do? Who does she have to fight? What is the main conflict? I see this in a lot of Wattpad stories, where the author is intentionally vague so that they don't give away too much of the story. But you have to offer readers something so that they will decide to look in the first place.

A blurb should be a high point outline without giving away twists or endings, but is mentioning the inciting action a twist? Is the antagonist a twist? They shouldn't be.

Unfortunately, the way this blurb reads comes off as if the author doesn't know where the story is heading.

Also, there is a phrase that the main character will pay with her destiny. Can destiny be taken away from someone? If so, can it really be destiny? The phrase bothers me and seems like it is trying to be deep or ominous without really scratching beneath any philosophical surface. More than likely, it should just be a change in word choice.

(1/5)

The Hook

There's a mysterious opening here, and the author creates a certain tension through reader disorientation. It mirrors that of the narrator, and there is some good description of this dreamland that adds to the confusion.

There are also some phrases that make the descriptions oppose each other's natural state, like surfaces that are both smooth, yet bumpy. Another object is said to be both sharp and blunt. Unfortunately, I feel like this takes away from the already unnatural feel of the place, breaking the tension that it builds.

The first five chapters are composed of this style narration, coming in at around 3-4 paragraphs a piece. The story would probably be better served if these multiple chapters were fused into a single one, tightening up the pace.

The first numbered chapter does several telling things, in that it alludes to bad things happening, but does nothing to actually move the plot forward. At five chapters in, there should be more than disorienting ambience.

(3/5 points)

Grammar

The author has pretty minimal grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the story. It wouldn't take much to edit those out. Word choice is good to great for the most part, although there are some instances where it feels like the writer may be above their head (see the previously mentioned "pay with her destiny" bit). There are also other phrases, like "Plans first, thinking later." Plans require thinking. Action could come before thinking, but not plans, which inherently involve thinking.

Unnecessary Author's notes sprinkle some chapters and distract from the story. I would suggest saving those for the end of the chapter, if you really feel they are needed.

(7/10 points)

Characters

So far, the only real character of note is Verlaine/D.A.I.N.E. a teenage girl/AI who is evidently the chosen one, having been birthed by a human with powers or something. Honestly, I'm not sure. She is a girl who falls into a coma, but doesn't age, so they (whoever they is) create an AI based on her brain patterns. Despite the fact that she is AI, somehow the AI regards itself as having a soul. And the narrative doesn't ask any questions about this, it simply accepts it as truth.

D.A.I.N.E. is some sort of defense logistics/engineer AI, and has access to all the computer systems across the world. Although why this kind of access would be given to an untested program is a mystery. She can download knowledge, like Neo from the Matrix, but the reader doesn't really get to see any practical application of the knowledge, other than to give exposition to the plot and answer questions that Verlaine is asking.

On that note, every other character, which are Verlaine's father and an alien queen, seem to be there for the sole purpose of providing exposition. From dialogue to narrative, all they do is give answers to Verlaine's questions, ranging from maddeningly vague to overtly telling. And in return, that is all Verlaine does, asks questions. For another three chapters.

I give this a couple of extra points because there are a couple of nice paragraphs where the story truly begins that describe a nice relationship between Verlaine and her mother. This writing is the type of thing the story needs more of. Establishment of personal interactions between the characters that is more than expositional dialogue.

Verlaine/D.A.I.N.E. doesn't show any emotion other than confused rage except for the first chapter death of her grandmother. This could be attributed to her being an AI if it weren't that bit about her considering her soul, or the fact that she shows some need to get back into her comatose body.

(2/20 points)

Dialogue

As previously stated, almost all of the dialogue here is chock full of exposition. In the first five chapters, the story refused to get to the point, but as the core of it begins, the reader is simply told what everything is, with backgrounds being spoken of in chunks of text. The character doesn't seem to find anything out by herself, like the reader she is just told what is happening and why it is happening.

None of the spoken parts feel as if they come from real characters, but mostly like dialogue branches from a video game. Each part put there so that the main character can chase the Macguffin.

Here is an excerpt from the queen of Ilansans: "I need your help. A sickness has come upon the land. A blight that has not been seen for centuries, no decades, is waking again. There is only one way to cure one such plague."

This is of course followed by more questions by Verlaine and more exposition by the queen, setting up the arbitrary rules for the heroine's adventure.

This is the fifth actual chapter, and we have heard that Verlaine has traveled somewhat across (the city?) of Elysium. Nowhere is there mentioned any afflicted by a plague. This information is again just given to Verlaine and the reader with no experience to back it up.

Also, is the queen under the impression that decades are longer than centuries? The tone of the dialogue is that this plague has not been seen for a long time, but decades really isn't that long in the case of epidemiology.

There are some slip-ups like that peppered through the dialogue, but I award it some points for being mostly readable in a grammatical sort of way. It just isn't very interesting or entirely sensical to the plot.

(2/20 points)

Description/Narration

Astronomical is extremely lacking in description. It is a futuristic sci-fi taking place in an alien setting known as Elysium, but the reader has no idea what Elysium looks like. The reader throws a couple of tidbits, like that everything is "too perfect" and that the Ilasans like smooth metal as opposed to glass, but other than that... nothing.

Speaking of the Ilasans, what do they look like? We get a description of eyes and again a sense of "perfection" that seems to drive Verlaine to a confused rage for no apparent reason. When you are working with a genre such as this, author, remember that the world your characters inhabit must be described to the reader. I suggest taking a look at some "how-to" manuals on worldbuilding. Especially because it is much more than physical setting description that goes into transporting readers to another place or time.

Going back to the descriptive stuff, the story commits to the cliché of the main character describing herself by looking in a mirror. Even there, the descriptions are severely lacking, focusing only on her hair and eye color. Find ways to mix descriptions about your characters throughout the action and narration, without resorting to the old mirror trick.

(2/20 points)

Plot

Everything about this fantasy sci-fi piece seems rushed. The chapters that are up so far are short and blunt, but have some interesting tidbits that I wish would have been explored in depth.

For instance, we find out in the first actual chapter (not the first five that are some out of body experience paragraphs) that Verlaine's brain has been used as the basis for some new AI. The AI doesn't seem to recognize itself as an AI and has intent to assimilate itself with Verlaine's unconscious body.

And it does so. Just by thinking about it real hard. That is all the explanation we are given. This completely bypasses the question of what happens to Verlaine's comatose mind when the AI sets up shop inside her. Simply because they created an artificial mind based on hers does not mean her actual brain has ceased to be. And how did the AI even achieve assimilation? Why would it want to? What exactly is the main character's motivation?

As in many trendy YA stories, the main is a "very special person". From what I understand of Verlaine's story, she is simply born this way, with some kind of healing powers that help her not to age. Basically, she's a mutant and nobody thought to tell her. As explained by another piece of exposition from the father, her mother was some kind of alien race, yet for some foreshadowy reason, her father thinks her "curse" is his doing. Perhaps he means the fact that she is now an AI? The circumstance and gravity of Verlaine's powers are extremely muddled.

Then there is Verlaine's grandmother. The whole thing starts because Verlaine heals her grandmother from some mysterious disease, causing her to go into a coma. But at the same time, we are told that the grandmother's mystery illness is old age and that she is dying because she has lived beyond her years. I'm not real sure what this is getting at, with the dialogue or the narration. One does not die of old age, but from complications due to weaknesses from old age. Again, the narrative point should be cleaned up to make any kind of sense here. Random things tend to contradict themselves.

However, I do award a few points based on the possibility of some interesting interactions and philosophical questions. The author just needs to flesh them out.

(4/20 points)

Suggestions

I have two main suggestions for the author of Astronomical and their story: 1) Do some research on AI and what created artificial intelligence entails. D.A.I.N.E. never seems to act like an AI, but rather a floating consciousness with no change from its old teenage persona. Think about what supplanting an AI into a human body would mean, metaphysically. D.A.I.N.E. is just a copy of Verlaine's mind, not the real thing. This should mean something to the reader, not just a footnote as to her easily retrieving her physical body. What happens to Verlaine's real mind?

2) Don't be afraid to slow things down a bit and get your character (and the reader) involved in the new world they are inhabiting. Make the character do important, difficult things. So far, every obstacle has been a cakewalk for Verlaine/D.A.I.N.E. I have a strong feeling that everything so far has been rushed to get to the point of Verlaine meeting the probable love interest who will accompany her on the journey for the MacGuffin, as it is strongly hinted at in the last available chapter.

Let's assume that a budding relationship is one of the main points of this story. Because the pace is so fast and I have learned next to nothing about who Verlaine is as a person, why should I care about her romantic entanglements? Make me care, author. Show me what Verlaine is capable of a person, not as a superhero or AI.

Overall

(21/100 points) Benchwarmer. An interesting concept blending fantasy, sci-fi, and maybe dystopia? And it falls into the popular YA category, so it should be a strong attractant for reads. Unfortunately, it lacks the rest of the strong points that make a story readable, like relatable characters, realistic dialogue, immersive worldbuilding, or cohesive plotting.