"So. You wanted to see me?" Edelgard asked. 

"Yeah, actually." Link looked over at her and grinned in a way that he probably thought was seductive. 

"Well?" Edelgard asked.

"Wanna start dating? Lol" Link asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

"What, for publicity? Or are you actually interested in me?" Edelgard replied, damn near choking on her coffee. 

"Let's call it a bit of both. What do you think?" Link was still grinning seductively. 

"Eh, why the fuck not?" Edelgard responded. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to fuck me at least once."

"How about we try it out? I'll take you back to my dorm tonight, we can have fun~" Link murmured, leaning in a bit closer. 

"Let's see how good you do tonight, and then we can decide how long this goes on." Edelgard replied, smirking at him. 

They then proceeded to start making out in the middle of a rather crowded coffee shop, lmao

"Ew, get a room." A random oblivious customer said, throwing a packet of sugar at the back of Edelgard's head. 

"Dude that's Edelgard and Link! You know, the famous K-pop idols?" The random oblivious customer's friend exclaimed, already taking out their phone. 

"Ugh that's so unfair, I wish I was her..." A random Link fangirl sighed and plunked her head down on the table. 

"Ten bucks says they start fucking right there." A perverted fan muttered to their equally perverted friend.

Hubert was standing outside the window and plotting ways to either kill or maybe fuck Link. He wasn't sure himself. 

"Wanna go somewhere a little more private? We've got an audience." Link murmured in between kisses. 

"Let's go." Edelgard said, trying not to sound ToOoooOOo eager. 

As they headed out of the coffee shop, Link texted Roy quickly. 

Link: hey bro, i need a favor 

Roy: anything for you, bro

Link: make sure sheik actually comes back from practice at a semi-normal time tonight, ok?

Roy: got it. i'll actually go to practice tonight, lmfao

Roy: i'm assuming you've got someone in tow ; )

Link: edelgard, in fact

Roy: ooh damn

Link: ikr

Roy: gonna prank sheik, i assume?

Link: naturally. tell the rest of the guys, i need them in on it. but be careful what you tell pit, okay?

Roy: you got it bro

Link shut off his phone. "So, Edie, we've got some time to kill. I'm planning on pranking Sheik, so we'll need to be at the dorm in... oh, about three hours."

Edelgard didn't have to ignore how good her name sounded coming from Link's lips anymore. For that, she was grateful. At least something good was coming out of this staged relationship. 

"Hmm, what to do..." Edelgard replied. 

"I'd say each other, but I don't wanna spoil the surprise." Link said, looking over at her and smirking again. Yeah, I'm using that action again. No, I swear I'm not running out of ideas-

"You're no fun." Edelgard stuck out her tongue at him. (I swear to fyfcudsifaucking god, if I type Edelgard as "Edelhard" onE MORE GODDAMN TIME-)

"I will be later~" Link whispered with a really fucking sexy wink. 

"Dude you have got to stop being so ridiculously hot, how am I supposed to wait for three hours?" Edelgard said, looking a bit put out. 

"Hmm, maybe the author will put in a timeskip for you because he's a fyfcudsifaucking crackhead at the time he wrote this?" Link said and then cackled like a madman. Which Edelgard still found stupidly attractive, by the way. 

Fyfcudsifaucking TIMESKIP because I'm pitying Edelgard for onCe 

"Sheik, come on! I'm serious, you need to go back to the dorm and sleep." Roy begged. He was literally on his hands and knees. 

"Roy, I told you, I can't go back yet." Sheik sighed. 

"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeeee?" Roy whined. 

"...." Sheik rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Fine. Only because Corrin's been getting after me for not sleeping again." 

"YES!" Roy jumped off the ground and very nearly hugged Sheik. He stopped himself at the last moment because he really likes his head where it is. 

So Sheik and Roy made their way back to the dorm, with the redhead trying not to cackle the entire way back. 

Surprisingly, Sheik didn't think anything was off, despite how on edge everybody was acting. Oh wait, that was just Robin, and that was because Lucina was in the room. 

"Hey Lucina." Sheik said, waving at her. 

Lucina waved back and smiled innocently. Somehow she'd gotten Marth to tell her about the plan, so she knew what was about to happen. 

Sheik opened the door to the room he shared with Link and Roy, fully expecting to see an empty room and his bed. 

Nope, he saw Link and Edelgard fucking each other on his bed. 

"WHAT THE HELL-" Sheik exclaimed, jumping back a few feet. "I WANT A NEW GODDAMN ROOMMATE."

Roy peeked over Sheik's shoulder. "Damn bro, are they fucking on your bed?" 

"YES." Sheik yelled, slamming his head into the wall. "Oh Hylia, what have I done to deserve this?" he moaned. 

A short while later, Link and Edelgard were done. They'd moved over to Link's bed once Sheik had forcibly told them to "get the fuck off of his bed or they'd both be dead before Link could even pull out."

Link reached over and grabbed his phone to text Dimitri, because he wanted to brag. He's an idiot. 

Link: Hey dimitri

Link: I'm dating your sister lmao

Dimitri: >: 0 but what about bros before hoes, dude?

Link: yeah that died five minutes ago when i finished fucking edelgard

Dimitri: I'LL DESTROY YOU-

Literally five minutes later, Dimitri was at the Brawltang Boys' dorm. Byleth and Lettie were following him, just because he looked like he was gonna commit murder. 

Dimitri burst into Link's room. Link was on his phone, with Edelgard sleeping next to him. 

"Bro, what the fuck?? MY SISTER???" Dimitri exclaimed.

"Dude you have Lettie, back off." Link said, looking very unconcerned. 

Roy poked his head in. "Yeaaaah, why dooo you care so much, Dimitriiii?" he cackled, purposefully dragging out the syllables in some places. 

"Hmph." Dimitri grumped. Roy tried to pat his shoulder, but Dimitri swatted his hand away and went off to go pout. 

Marth was confused. "When did this happen?" he asked, munching on his popcorn. 

"Don't fucking question it." Ike said without looking up from his book because he's a bOooMEr

Byleth looked dead inside and Lettie was basically just ":D" but in real life. 

"Who do I need to beat up?" Byleth asked. 

"Link." Dimitri grumbled. 

"Awe, Dimitri, if you're jealous of them, I can help you with that~" Lettie said, giggling like a schoolgirl while she spoke. 

"Hmph." Dimitri grumped again, but this time he sounded less grumpy. 

Lettie then turned her attention to the rest of the room. The Brawltang Boys (minus Link the Edelgard fucker and breaker of the bro code and plus Lucina, who was eating popcorn and absorbing the chaos) were all scattered about the room, which was basically heaven for Lettie. Sheik was pouting in the corner and probably texting Corrin. It was surprising he hadn't come over with Dimitri, Byleth, and Lettie. 

Naturally Lettie started fangirling over the boys, but she especially wanted to talk to Robin. 

"Robin, can I touch your hair? It looks soft." Lettie asked, grinning innocently. 

Lucina eyed the fellow bluenette suspiciously. 

Robin was about to agree, and then he saw the glare Byleth was giving him. "Uhhhh, that might not be a good idea..." Robin chuckled nervously and gestured at Byleth. 

"Eh." Lettie shrugged. She was about to say something else, but then Lucina jumped off the couch. 

"PALUTENA AND PEACH ARE DATING, HOES!" Lucina screeched before dashing out the door with a hurried "see you later, I have to go." 

SOCIAL MEDIA ROUNDUP! (no real order lmao)