I was excited to see Sammy. The way he seemed to flutter around the room, making everyone happier with his goofy, oversized smile, was what I needed. It was nice to feel allowed to love him. My mind drifted again to Danny, thinking of both parents choosing to leave him. Maybe they thought they were doing him a favor, but it didn't feel that way. Perhaps they felt the guilt that Mike did. I could see how much he longed for Conner to be a part of his family, but there was always that thin veil; even though he didn't leave Conner, he still left.

Sammy drew me back to reality. He was talking a mile a minute about a lizard he had found in the backyard. "I named him Patrick because he's my best friend and SpongeBob has a best friend named Patrick."

"Who's SpongeBob?" I asked with a smile.

"Oh no," Mr. Bennis joined them, "you've escaped SpongeBob?"

Sammy was already singing what must have been the most ridiculous theme song ever created.

"It's a new show, and Sammy can't get enough of it." Sheepishly Mr. Bennis added, "it's pretty entertaining."

"I guess I'll have to catch an episode," I smiled as Sammy finished the song with a flourish and tiny jazz hands.

"It's the best!" Sammy cried as then plopped down on the couch next to me, tugging a blanket around himself.

He was getting so tall, but he still seemed tiny when he curled up next to me. I put an arm around him and tucked him into my side.

"Are you cold? You can share my blanket," he offered in a tiny voice.

"Thanks," I said as I stole part of the blanket to cover me and messed his hair.

"Emma, are you sad today?" He asked quietly as his big chocolate eyes gazed up at me.

My smile broke as tears pooled in the back of my eyes. "A little... boys," I tried to shrug off the emotions his innocent question was stirring.

"I'm a boy; do I make you sad?"

"Never, Monkey, you never make me sad."

"Who makes you sad?"

"Do you remember Conner?"

"Yeah, I liked him," Sammy offered with a nod.

"Me too. But we," I paused for a moment. "We decided not to be best friends today."

"Oh," Sammy dropped his gaze as he fidgeted with the blanket. "I'll be your best friend, Em," he offered as his saucer eyes looked up at me again. "I know I'm just a little kid, but I won't make you sad; I promise."

I smiled down at him. "You can't be my best friend; you're already my little monkey."

"I can be both. I can be all the things, Emma." He definitively spoke as he snuggled in deeper to my side.

It wasn't long into the film when Sarah's phone rang, and she excused herself. I was sure it was Sean, but her return a few moments later surprised me. When our eyes met, I knew why she was back so quickly. I had updated Sammy but forgotten to update Sarah over the past couple of days. Processing was what I had convinced myself. From Sarah's gaze, I knew I had about three-quarters of a movie to finish processing.

"What the hell, Emma?" The words burst from Sarah before the front door had even closed behind us.

"So..." I wanted to be clear on the anger.

"You and Conner broke up? You've only been together a couple of weeks."

"Yeah..." But I didn't get in another word.

"You were with Jacob for five years. Then you meet the world's most perfect boy and 2-weeks. Two-fucking-weeks?"

"I didn't break up with him."

"There is no way he just dumped you. I've seen the way he looks at you." She crossed her arms and just gazed at me.

"So, I guess it's my turn to talk." I paused, but the joke bounced off Sarah and died a silent death at our feet. "I'm not ready to talk about it," I admitted.

"I don't care. You've been in your head all summer, and it's not helping you make smart decisions."

I couldn't argue with Sarah, but it was less my head and more my heart. My head wanted to be with Conner.

"He broke up with me." I just ripped the Band-Aid off.

"Yes, I know that much. But why? Because that's all he's saying too."

I was at a loss for words. What would Conner want me to say? Something cliché, 'we weren't on the same page.' Sarah wouldn't accept that- it would just die on the ground with my previous humor attempt.

"We decided we were better off as friends." Different cliché, same future.

"It's Danny, isn't it? Did you hook up with him?"

The accusation stung me, but was falling for him any better?

"I didn't hook up with Danny."

Sarah continued to stare at me.

"Why do you hate him so much? When you first met him, you were all smitten?" My frustration was growing.

"He's a drunk, game playing, drug addict. He's been doing this all summer. Doting on you, always with his arms around you, and kisses, but then when anything happens, he screams 'let's be friends' and hooks up with randos. How is that better than Conner?"

She wasn't wrong, but it was very one-dimensional."Well, he must have some redeeming qualities; he's Conner's best friend."

"Doesn't seem like he's best at anything. Conner loves you, Emma, and his best friend just ruined it," Sarah whined.

My frustration was growing, mainly because Sarah was right. "I don't know, Sarah. Conner didn't give me a choice. He broke up with me because he knew."

"He knew what?" There was a hint of disgust.

I couldn't help but wonder if everyone was going to make me say it. "Because I am in love with Danny and I have been since before Chris' party. It's always been Danny. I wanted Conner just as bad as you wanted Conner for me, but I was already fucked. And Conner was right to dump me because he deserves to be in love with someone that's in love with him."

Sarah stared at me for a moment, her mouth open. "You're," she cocked her head to the side, "you're in love with Danny?"

"Yes, it's been killing me all summer. Honestly, I think it's been killing Conner, too. Every moment we had wasn't real; it didn't belong. Because I was in love with Danny the whole fucking time. And Danny was off fucking 'randos,' as you like to point out any chance you get. So, I'm a terrible person, and Danny's a horrible person. So, see, maybe Danny is who I deserve." I was mad at everything and everyone. But mostly, I was furious that my best friend couldn't be my best friend right now, that Sarah was blaming me for something I tried to control and failed. I tried.

"Emma..." Sarah reached her arms out to me, but it was too late. I was already over it and walking to my car. Sarah called after me again, but didn't bother to turn back. I just drove home, ignoring my phone.

It was late when I got home. Danny would be there any minute. The sun was setting, sending dark slender shadows everywhere, reminding me of him. I didn't bother to go in; I spread out on one of the loungers, watching the sherbet sunset vacantly. The vibrant colors gave way to grey-scale as the green grass turned into colorless snakes spilling onto the pool deck. The chill of the evening sunk deep into my flesh, cooling my bones. Even so, I watched the sky grow darker and darker until there was nothing but blackness. I closed my eyes for a long moment and then opened them to the same darkness. A cloud cover was hiding the yellow moon and the twinkle of stars.

"Em, you're freezing." Danny looked down at me as he yanked his hoodie off and wrapped it around me. My nose filled with the scent of pot. "What are you doing out here?"

"I was watching the sunset, and then I wasn't." I sighed as I headed into the house behind him.

"Emma, are you ok?" There was worry in his eyes.

"I'm lonely and feel like I keep making everything worse," I admitted before meaning to.

I watched a piece of his break before me. He drew me into his arms and rested his chin on the top of my head. I felt his collar bone on my forehead through his t-shirt.

I pushed away and looked him in his steely eyes. "Do you love me?"

Pain crossed his face with a wince. "Of course, Em." His hand combed through my hair and pulled my forehead to his lips.

I pushed him away again, "no, I mean, are you in love with me."

His face went blank, and the color drained as the bravado he was desperately clinging to left him. "Em, what's changed? Was it Lily? She's nothing, just a distraction." He was twitchy. The conversation agitated him; life agitated him. He plopped down on the couch and looked up at me with tired eyes.

"No, it's not Lily, and it's not Conner. It's me. I need to know. I deserve to know."

"I thought we were over this. You think you ruin things; you should see my rubble." His lips flickered with a smile, but it wasn't a joke. "What happened with Conner? He's so..."

I could feel my body tense the longer he avoided my question, just as I had with Conner.

"Danny, I need to know," I was pleading now.

"Why, Em?" He ran his fingers through his hair. "What changed to make you need to know?"

"I changed. I fell in love with you. Do you remember the kiss?"

He twitched again as though he had gotten stung by a wasp. "I need a smoke." He got up so quickly that I almost didn't catch him.

"Danny," he was already through the door, but turned back at my call. "Come back. When you're done smoking, come back to me."

He gave a curt nod and then slid the door shut behind him.

I glanced out every few minutes as Danny sat with his feet in the pool, shoulders hunched. He looked thinner than even a few weeks ago, and his body crumpled with wear I hadn't seen before. Danny went through at least two cigarettes, but I suspected it was 3. When he finished ripping butts, he popped what I assumed was a Xanax, and he moved on to smoke a blunt. Danny had never smoked up at my house before. Sure, he showed up high often, but he never smoked up here. I didn't stop him; my parents still weren't home. I watched him lick the edges and smooth the paper a few times like a nervous tic. The lighter flickered, drawing my mind to the glow bugs in Chris' backyard. Soon there was a red cherry as he drew a long hit. I watched the effect. He held his body tense for so long before a slow exhale deflated him. Each burning ember stayed so close to his hand, but it didn't hurt him, and then it was dark again. The lighter flickered a few moments later as he continued the process. I couldn't look away; my eyes trained on the way the smoke circled him; it clung to him; I envied it just like I had envied the water earlier.

As he pulled his feet from the pool, I got up to get a towel. "Your feet must be frozen." I handed him the towel.

He just threw it on the floor and stomped his feet out on it before flopping back down on the couch heavily as his shoulders rounded and bent into his chest. He wouldn't look at me. No matter how long I gazed at him, he just looked down. I moved to him and ran a hand through his hair, then left it on the side of his face. He was so pale, and the circles beneath his eyes were painfully purple. He covered my hand with his and turned his face so he could kiss my palm. I fell to his side as he continued to clutch my hand, letting it drop to his lap.

"I don't have an excellent answer," he murmured. "Not right now."

"I get it; I had to tell someone I love I wasn't falling in love with him." I had my answer. He loved me but wasn't falling for me.

His head fell back to the couch. "That's not... I was hoping I could get high enough to pass out."

A small smile crossed his face at the fleeting idea. He bent his neck back so far that his hair fell to his face, obscuring his eyes, but his fingers dug into my hand. It hurt, but I needed it. I needed to feel him in any way he would let me. I stared at the sharp slope of his Adam's Apple.

"How did that turn out?"

"Still here. Guess it's just a part of me now. I'm not even certain I get high anymore." Finally, he lifted his eyes to mine. "Conner is the one you should be with; he's..."

"Not the one I'm in love with," my words came out sharp, cutting him off.

"You aren't in love with me." His head shook a bit as he spoke, but his voice stayed low and even.

I sensed it would be too much effort for him to raise it. "Have you ever heard of Schrodinger's Cat?" I pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Do I look like someone that would know about a fucking cat?" His words bit into me.

"Boiled down, it's that a hypothetical cat in a box can be both alive and dead in the same moment until you open the box."

"What am I, the cat? Both alive and dead at the same time?" A small chuckle left his chest. "That would explain a lot."

"We are the cat."

He leaned in close to me, so close I thought he was going to kiss me again. "The cat is dead, Em. It's just easier that way." He dropped my hand and was out the door before I could say anything.

He didn't leave immediately. I watched him from the window again. He paced this time as he sucked down two more cigarettes and popped another pill. I couldn't shake the feeling of him near me but so distant: that split second where I thought he might kiss me, the sensation of his fingers digging into my hand. It was too late; my mind crossed the line. I couldn't go back. No matter what he said, I wouldn't let him convince me that what we lit wasn't real. He turned to look at me through the window. There was the slightest nod from him, and then he slipped into the darkness.