Dindin's

JACOB is looking at me intently that morning. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari, may nasabi baa ko sa kanya? Hindi naman siguro niya nahalata na talagang nagtampo ako noong bigla na lang niyang tapusin ang tawag kagabi. He didn't even say goodbye, tampong – tampo talaga ako but when I woke this morning and I found myself in his arms, lahat ng tampo ko ay nawala. He's here. He came home. I don't care why he ended the call last night, he's here with me. He came home to me.

Mas nauna akong nagising kaysa sa kanya kaya nagpasya akong matulog na lang muli. I even nuzzled him closer para nakabaon ang mukha ko sa leeg niya. The second time that I woke up, he's not in the bed anymore. Akala ko ay nananaginip lang ako pero narinig ko ang mga yabag sa living area kaya dali – dali akong lumabas. I saw him preparing breakfast for us. Hindi mawala ang ngiti ko habang nakatingin ako kay Jayjay. Ang gwapo niya with his Versace terno pajamas. Siguro ay naramdaman niyang nakatingin ako sa kanya kaya bigla siyang humarap sa akin para i-spread ang kanyang mga kamay, one indication that he wants a hug. Agad naman akong tumakbo palapit sa kanya. He's really here! He came home to me.

"Happy birthday!" Wika ko habang yakap – yakap siya. I felt Jayjay's hand on my waist, he pulled me closer. I felt him kissing the top of my head, nang matapos siya ay tiningala ko siya. Siguro ay nagniningning ang mga mata ko ngayon dahil nakikita ko siya, siguro ay mukha akong asong tuwang – tuwang umuwi ang amo niya. Ganoon kasi ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I am just so glad that Jayjay came home last night. Maybe like me, he wanted to see me too. Maybe he really wanted to spend his birthday with me. I'm glad that he feels that way.

"Thank you, babe." Hinagkan niyang muli ang noo ko. He kept on kissing the top of my head, my forehead, my temple, hindi rin taliwas sa akin na unti – unting humihigpit ang yakap niya sa akin. I feel like he wanted to tell me something – maybe he would like to confess? Ang feeling ko naman. Wala naman kaming relasyon at kahit kailan ay hindi kami magkakaroon ng relasyon kasi wala naman talaga. He is engaged to be married. Hindi kami bagay na dalawa. Hindi kami magiging isa dahil kahit kailan ay hindi ako babagay sa mundo niya.

Hindi naman ako ganoon kasama. I would just like to be his equal. I can never hurt him, I'd rather hurt myself than him. Kung noong una, ang tanging gusto ko ay kamuhian siya at saktan, things have changed, He is my Jayjay and I can never hurt him.

"Oh right..." I heard him chuckle. "I made some pancakes for you. Are you hungry?" He made me look at him. There is such care in his eyes. Hindi ko siya sinagot, instead I nuzzled against his chest and take in all his scent. This is where I want to be. I don 't want to let go of him and I wish he never lets me go.

"Babe, you need to eat. Lalabas tayo ngayon." He said to me again.

"Where are we going? Can we stay like this? We can go out later."

"It's my birthday." He reminded me. "Kahit yesterday pa iyon, birthday ko pa rin. I'll treat you."

"Hmmm, okay. I want to watch a movie." Sabi ko na lang sa kanya.

"Done. But you need to eat." Sabi niyang muli sa akin. I kissed his cheek and the went to the kitchen to eat. Sumunod naman siya sa akin. Tumabi sa akin at pinanood akong kumain. I just feel so comfortable with him hear. I love him so much that I am willing to do everything for him to keep me. No matter what it takes.

xxxx

JAYJAY and I ended up going to a theme park. Tinatanong niya kasi ako kung ano raw ang gusto kong panooring movie pero wala akong maisip. Gusto ko lang talaga siyang makasama ngayong araw na ito. Wala na akong pakialam kung may makakikita sa among dalawa habang nasa labas kaming dalawa. Pinag – uusapan na lang din naman kaming dalawa sa Uni, then so be it. I don't know if Jayjay knows about it, kung oo, hindi namin napag – uusapan. Saka what's there to talk about? As long as we are here and we are together, I am contented.

"Sakay tayo sa rollercoaster!" I was giggling. Hinatak ko si Jayjay papunta sa may pila kung saan naroon ang ride. Hindi naman siya kumikibo, basta tumayo siya roon sa likod ko. He put his arm around my waist to pull me closer. Binigyan na naman niya ako ng halik sa pisngi saka ako nginisihan. He keeps on doing that. He keeps pulling me closer, he keeps making me feel well taken-cared of.

"Are you having fun?" He asked me.

"I should be the one asking you kasi it's your birthday. Wala naman akong regalo sa'yo."

"You, being here is enough." Malumanay na wika niya sa akin. Napangiti na naman ako. Paano ko ba pakakalmahin ang puso ko?

"Binobola mo ako." Sabi ko sa kanya. Tumawa siya sa akin, tapos pinisil ang pisngi ko. Nayamot ako. I made a face but he just kissed the pout away. We're finally able to get on the rollercoaster. Magkatabi kaming dalawa, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at pareho kaming naghanda sa paggalaw ng rollercoaster. I like being in rides like this. It makes me feel the adrenaline that my life lacks off.

Yes. My life used to be about work, study, work – until I finally got the Golden Scholarship. Naging tungkol naman sa paghihiganti ang pagbawi ang buhay ko, but how funny it is that things can change so easily? Ngayon, walang kasiguraduhan ang buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin kapag inayawan na niya ako, but here I am and I am willing to take that fucking risk.

Pagkatapos sa rollercoaster ay sumakay naman kami sa Jungle Log Jam. Parehas kaming nabasang dalawa, he ended up buying a pair of shirts for the two of us. Ang saya – saya ng araw na iyon para sa akin. I want to think that he is enjoying too despite the fact that I could see him looking at me with that kind of expression. Hindi ko alam kung para saan iyon pero nginingitian ko na lang siya.

By the end of the day, we were both inside the Ferris wheel, holding each other's hand while looking at the fireworks. It is such a beautiful day for the two of us – so beautiful that I wished I can finally tell him, that I can call his name because I missed my Jayjay so much.

"Are you okay?" Hindi ko napansing umiiyak na ako kundi niya pa pinahid ang luha ko. I don't know why I am crying, but I am. Wala akong masabi kundi ang:

"Thank you, Jacob. Please don't leave me. I don't know what I'll do if you leave me." Hindi ako ganito. Hindi ko ugaling iasa ang sarili ko sa ibang tao – pero nandito si Jayjay, at kahit kailan naman ay hindi siya naging ibang tao para sa akin. I wanted to be taken cared of by him. Napaka-selfish sabihin o isipin, pero gusto ko talaga ay akin lang siya.

xxxx

Jacob's

I DID everything to make her call my name like she did last night. Alam kong hindi ako nananaginip. I know what I heard. He called me Jayjay, but why is she acting like she didn't? Baka nananaginip siya? Baka napapaniginipan niya ako bilang si Jayjay o ang mga alaala naming dalawa. I don't care anymore, the fact tgat she remembers Jajay is a big deal for me. Does she finally know me? Or is he tired of pretending that she doesn't know me?

We spend the whole day together. She looked happy and contented. Hinahayaan niya akong gawin ang lahat ng gusto ko. I kissed her, I hugged her and held her in public but she didn't budge. She acts like she wants me. I want to believe that it's true. I love Dindin so much, so much that it hurts to hold her like this but I cannot even tell her that she is my Dindin and I am her Jayjay.

"Are you tired?" Dindin asked me the moment we came back to the penthouse. "Nag-drive ka pa. Okay ka lang ba? Do you need something?"

"Nothing." Ngumiti ako. "Are you hungry?"

"No! Did you see how much I ate at the restaurant! Baka hindi na tayo makabalik doon kasi natandaan nilang nakailang balika ko sa buffet!" Bigla na naman akong natawa. Siguro ay talagang napagod siya kanina sa theme park kaya naparami ang kain niya. I kissed her forehead.

"If you are hungry, you can tell me. Oorder tayo. But since you're not, I'll be taking a bath. Wait for me in the room. Hmm?"

"Okay. I'll take a bath too." I wanted to tease her and tell her that we can just take a bath together, pero naisip kong wala pa kami sa ganoong level. I want her to feel that I am her home and that I will be whatever she needs.

Naghiwalay kaming dalawa sa living area. I will not try to make her tell me. Makapaghihintay ako. For how long, I don't know. I just want to be with her all the time.

Nang matapos akong maligo ay natagpuan ko siya sa kama na nagbabasa ng kung ano, when she saw me, she put down the book and smiled at me. I was only wearing my silk pajama bottoms and I was holding a towel in my hand. Dindin had this wide smile on her face. Natawa ako.

"What?"

"Can I dry your hair?" She excitedly asked me. Ikinagulat ko iyon. What a weird request, but I did. Naupo ako sa carpeted floor, siya naman ay pumwesto sa may itaas ko at saka niya kinuha ang blower para tuyuin ang buhok ko. I love the feel of Dindin's hand on my hair. It is relaxing. Nang matapos siya sa blower ay sinuklay naman niya ako. She was humming a familiar song.

"Why did you want to dry my hair?" Hindi ko mapigilang itanong sa kanya.

"Nothing. Well, I just want to do something for you. My mom used to do that for me. On her better days." Bigla kong naalala ang maliit na katawan ng mama ni Dindin sa gitna ng hospital bed habang sinusubukan niyang hindi ipakita ang sakit na nararamdaman niya noon sa anak niya. I sighed again. I wanted to tell her that I know, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Do you miss your mom?" I asked again.

"All the damn time." Natahimik siya. "Oh there, tapos na." Sabi niya sa akin. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago ako tumayo saka tumabi sa kanya. I held her hand.

"My birthday isn't over."

"Ano?" Dindin made a face. "Kahapon ang birthday mo diba? Nasa Cebu ka diba? Hindi mo na birthday ngayon." I'm so glad that she is giggling like this. It's music to my ear.

"No! Technically, ngayon lang ang birthday ko dahil ngayon lang naman kita kasama. And because of that, I want to ask for something?"

"Fine. Ano ba iyon?"

"I want a kiss." I said to her. Tumawa si Dindin.

"Kanina ka pa nga kiss nang kiss eh!" Tawang – tawa siya. "But sure, here." She pouted a bit, I kissed her, pero hindi pa ako nakuntento, I kissed her again but deeper this time. Hindi ko tinigilan ang labi niya hangga't hindi kami nawawalan ng hininga. I twirled my tongue inside her mouth, a moan escaped her lips and I deepened the kiss more.

Naghiwalay lang kami nang parehas na kaming hindi makahinga. She looked at me with so much need and who am I to decline her call? I swallowed hard. Dindin wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer.

"Take me..." Dindin whispered. "Take me, Jayjay."

"Fuck, Dindin!"

I kissed her again and that night, I made her scream my name repeatedly, making sure she knows who was fucking her and it is me – her Jayjay.

Dindin's Jayjay. Yes. I am the man for her.