Dindin's

JAYJAY told me last night that he will be flying to Cebu today to fix some issues with the Cebu branch. Ayoko nga siyang umalis ngayon. Sabado naman kasi at gusto kong magkasama lang kaming dalawa katulad noong mga nakaraang Sabado. We've been like this for a month now. We've been living together for six months and I can't believe that I did try to seduce him in those four months.

I told him to stay with me and cuddle but he just peppered my face with tiny kisses, then he got up and got ready By seven in the morning, right after the kisses and some intense making out, he was out of the door, leaving me needy and aching for him. He told me he'd call and that maybe he will be back tonight – pero hindi ko na iyon hihintayin, baka marami siyang aasikasuhin sa Cebu, baka bukas na siya bumali, ewan, basta ang alam ko nakakalungkot mag – isa sa napakalaking penthouse na iyon.

It is Saturday and I don't have anything worthwhile to do, well I lied, I have lots of things to do, I have too much homework but I chose to clean the house and restock the pantry. Umalis ako ng bahay at nagpunta sa pinakamalapit na grocery. Wala na kami halos stocks, hind inga kasi kami naglalabas ng bahay at pinipigilan ko rin si Jayjay na mag – order nang mag - order ng pagkain kaya naiisa – isa naming naluluto ang mga pagkain sa bahay.

I bought chicken, beef and pork. Sinamahan ko na rin ng isda at mga gulay. I bought some of his favorite snacks, my favorite snacks and some chocolates and beer. Matapos iyon ay umuwi na akong muli sa penthouse niya but as I walked down the hallway, I was startled when I saw an old man – not so old, just old enough to be my father – ringing the doorbell of the penthouse. A few moments later, I realized who that man is, it is our father. Nandito siya sa penthouse at malamang hinahanap niya si Jayjay.

I was rooted on that spot not knowing what to do. Magpapakita ba ako? Kakausapin ko ba siya? Kapag nagpakita ba ako, makakaramdam ba siya ng lukso ng dugo? Ganoon kasi sa mga pelikula. Nakakaramdam ng lukso ng dugo ang mga ama kapag matagal nang nawalay sa kanila ang mga anak nila. Hindi man nila alam na anak nila iyon, they could feel it in their bones. Pero sino bang niloloko ko? Sa panaginip lang naman ang lahat ng iyon. Totoong buhay ito at kahit kailan, hindi nagging madali para sa akin ang reyalidad ng buhay.

Instead of going to him and making myself known, I hid myself in the corner of the hallway. My heart was beating fast. Bahagya siyang nagtagal. Pumasok pa siya sa loob ng penthouse and stayed there for a good fifteen minutes. Hintay naman ako nang hintay and when he finally left, madaling – madali akong pumasok sa loob. I looked around trying to search for something new in the living room but I didn't find anything. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag. I was thinking that maybe he was just looking for Jayjay. Siguro may pag – uusapan sila.

Ipinagpatuloy ko na lamang ang paglilinis at pagpupuno ng pantry. Bandang tanghali ay sa silid na ako ni Jayjay naglilinis and that was when I found the something new that I was looking for.

It was a black square box with a note on top saying:

Happy Birthday, Jacob! Always remember.

My mouth parted. What does Jayjay need to remember all the time? Maybe it was the fact he is adopted and he can never tell anyone about their family secret. Nakaramdam na naman ako ng sakit ng dibdib para kay Jayjay.

"Birthday mo pala... sana, makalaya ka na sa golden cage na ito." Mahinang wika ko.

xxxx

J.A.P

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACOBO!"

All my friends are here tonight, it's just that I am not happy. Kung ako ang tatanungin, I'd rather spend my day at home, buried under the sheets with Dindin in my arms. I want to talk to her. I want to be with her. I want to celebrate this day with her kahit na hindi naman niya alam na birthday ko ngayon. Kung tutuusin, hindi ko naman talaga birthday. I was born on the same day as the first son; same birthday, birt month and year, that was the reason why I got adopted. Someone showed father my records and because I was the same age as the first son, he took me in and told everyone that I am his son and the rest is a lying history.

It is my birthday today, but I was never happy. Akala ko talaga ay magagawa ko ang gusto ko ngayon. Gusto ko sa Metro, kasama ang nag – iisang taong nakakakilala sa dating ako – kahit na wala siyang ideya kung sino ako, but we can never have it all.

Lauren kissed the side of my mouth after greeting me a happy birthday. Noel repeatedly tapped my shoulder while he chuckled like a little boy, si Cole naman ang may hawak ng cake na ngiting – ngiti habang titig na titig sa akin. Satara, our other childhood friend lazily looked at me with a glass of champagne in her hand – tulad ng lahat ay nag-se-celebrate siya para sa akin. But despite of it all, I am not feeling celebratory. I just want to get out of here and be with the one I want to be with.

Ang sabi sa akin ni Mr. Lopez ay may mga kailangan akong gawin sa Cebu branch kaya maaga akong umalis. Umaasa pa nga akong makababalik nang maaga kapag natapos ko ang mga dapat gawin para makauwi ako kay Dindin but the moment I stepped out of the plane, I saw Lauren and I already know that I won't be able to get back. I was trying my best to make them see that I am not enjoying this thing pero hindi yata talaga nila makuha ang gusto kong iparating. They kept on asking me to drink and have fun, how could I do that if I am an ocean away from the one that I want to be with?

Nang makahanap ako ng pagkakataon para umalis sa lugar kung nasaan sila ay pumuslit ako. We were in a hotel, and they have rented a whole suite just for my birthday. Umalis ako roon at nagpunta sa hotel suite ko. I sat on the bed, took my phone and decided to video call Dindin. Oh I really want to hear her voice now. Hindi naman nagtagal ay nag – appear na sa screen ang mukha niya. I noticed that she has a blanket over her head, and she was chewing something. She looked so homey and comfortable, and I want to nuzzle her neck and cuddle her closer.

"What are you doing?" Natatawang tanong ko sa kanya. Her lips were pouted a bit, gusto kong halikan ang mga labi niya. If only I was there.

"Just watching some random stuff. Ikaw? Kumain ka na ba?" Pinatay yata niya ang TV kaya biglang dumilim nang panandalian sa kanya, binuksan naman niya ang ilaw kaya nakita kong muli nang malinaw ang maganda niyang mukha. I really miss her. I really thought that if I have her back again in my life, I will stop missing her, but knowing that I have her pero hindi naman niya ako kilala, lalo lang akong nakakaramdam ng pangungulila sa kanya. Gustong – gusto kong magpakilala but I am scared that she won't believe me. I have memories with her that only she and I knows, but I am scared that people might know and the secret will be revealed. Kahit na ayoko sa buhay na ito, sinusubukan ko pa ring gawin ang lahat para naman hindi mawala ang pinaghirapan ng taong kumupkop at nagbihis sa akin.

"I haven't." Matipid kong sagot.

"You should eat na. It's getting late. Why are you sad? Are you sad ba? Do you want me to show you my boobs?" Bigla akong napatawa nang malakas. Of course, that is something that I will never ask of her. Nirerespeto ko siya bilang babae. But I really do want to see her boobs. I have felt them but it's not enough. Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng pilitin. I want her to want to do it with me because she wants too, not because she feels like she owes it to me or something.

"Luh, ayaw mo ba?" Pabiro niyang tanong sa akin. "But anyway, uhm, your... your f-father came here."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "I saw him earlier. Hindi naman kami nagkita kasi galing ako ng grocery noong madatnan ko siya. I kind of felt nervous so I hid myself. Saka naisip ko rin na hindi naman niya alam kung na nandito ako. I didn't want you to get into trouble." Huminga lang ako nang napakalalim.

"It's okay. Okay lang din kung makita ka niya. You can just tell him that you're my roommate."

"Ah... uhm, maybe next time. Uhhh yeah, he also left something for you... a box and a bi-birthday card. It's your birthday pala. Happy birthday, Jay-cob..." I swear. I thought that she called me Jayjay pero nag-linger lang pala sa unang syllable lang pangalan ko.

"I wanted to spend it with you. Balak ko sanang mag-dinner tayong dalawa."

"Sa 7/11 ba ulit?" Nakangiting tudyo sa akin ni Dindin.

"Nope. This time, I will take you to a five – star restaurant. I will treat you like a princess."

"Bakit ako? Ikaw iyong may birthday, dapat ikaw ang i-treat as a prince."

"All my life I've been treated like that, Divina. Now, I want you to feel like that because you deserve it."

Divina just sighed. "I wish you're here. I miss you."

"I miss—"

"Why are you hiding out here?" I ended the call immediately after hearing Lauren's voice. Hindi man lang siya kumatok sa silid ko. I looked at her with a straight face.

"I am not enjoying myself, Lauren. I want to sleep."

"What is happening with you? You used to love parties. Impluwensya pa ito ni Divina?" Hindi ako sumagot. She sighed. "Jacob, I am letting you have your fun, pero baka masyado kang malibang at makalimutan mo ang resposibilidad nating dalawa."

"Are you really okay with this, Lauren? Hindi natin mahal ang isa't isa. Tapos magpapakasal tayo."

"It is good enough that we are compatible. What's love, Jacob? Lahat ng bagay ay pwedeng matutuhan. I am not in love with you, but who knows? We have our whole life to teach ourselves to love each other." Sabi niya sa akin. Critical palagi ang thinking ni Lauren, isa iyon sa mga bagay na talaga namang kakaiba sa kanya. Nagkakasundo kami dahil palaging isip ang ginagamit namin sa mga desisyon na dumarating sa buhay namin, and I thought that I can live with that, but having a glimpse of life with Dindin on it, suddenly, I saw something that I don't ever want to lose ever again.

"You don't want to be here no?" Sabi bigla ni Lauren sa akin. "Then go. Be with her tonight, but keep in mind that everything you have right now can end in just a snap because of our responsibilities. Have you fun, Jacob. But always remember that we can never run from it – no matter how much we want to."

She was right. We can never run from it, but what if I can make things right? What if I can make my father see that I can lead the company without any help from Lauren's family? If he sees that, maybe I can finally decide on my own and be with the one I want.

Si Dindin... ang Dindin ko.

After Lauren left my hotel suite, I got on my knees and got my things. Tinawagan ko ang EA ko. I told him that I want to go back to the Metro now. Mukhang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko pero kaaagad naman siyang sumunod. Hindi na ako nagpaalam sa kanila. Lauren will know what to say. She was always on my side. I may have been an asshole to her sometimes, but we always have each other's back. Ganoon naman kasi talaga, palagi niyang sinasabi sa akin na ngayon palang dapat ay salo na naming ang isa't isa. Thankful ako kay Lauren dahil sa mga bagay na ginagawa niya para sa akin.

I left Cebu at 10 pm, got to Manila by 11 pm. Hindi ko sinabi kay Dindin na uuwi ako. I want to see her surprised face, but when I got home, I didn't find any Dindin waiting for me. Instead, I found her in my side of bed, hugging my pillow and she was sleeping peacefully. Napansin kong bukas ang tv kaya pinatay ko iyon. She was watching an American series which I don't know about. I also noticed the bowl of popcorn on the floor. Napapailit ako. Nagkalat ang mga popcorn sa sahig. Natatawang hinagkan ko siya sa noo at nilinis muna ang mga kalat niya bago ako pumasok sa en suite bathroom to have a quick one.

After pulling my silk terno Versace pajamas, I climbed the bed – her side of bed. I tried so hard not to wake her up but I really want to snuggle closer so I latched myself on her. Hindi nagtagal ay umungol siya, gumalaw at mayamaya lamang ay nakadilat na ang mga mata niya.

"What... what? Jayjay?"

My whole body stiffened. Maybe she's dreaming? But her eyes were open although she has this dreamy expression on her face.

"Hmmm?" She closed her eyes again and snuggled up against my chest. "Jayjay ko..."

Was she... just dreaming? Or am I the one dreaming?