Dindin's

I HAVE no idea where to go but I found myself roaming around the busy streets of the city. I didn't want to cry. Why would I? Hindi kawalan sa akin ang hindi pagtanggap ng sarili kong ama. He knew who I was. He knew about my existence but he chose not to acknowledge me. Choice niya iyon. Hindi sa akin at hindi kay Mama. Wala kaming kasalanan kung ayaw kaming tanggapin ni Rogelio sa buhay niya. To think that I almost ruined someone else's life just because of the thought that my life would be perfect if I have my father with me.

Akala ko lang pala iyon. Malaki talaga ang pagkakamali ko. I grew up thinking that I am incomplete because I don't have my father with me. May mga panahong sinisisi ko si Mama kasi ganito lang kami, may mga panahong gusto kong ipamukha sa kanya noon na mas maaayos kami kung pinili niyang magpakita sa tatay ko but I guessed even if she decided on that, hindi pa rin mababago, hindi niya pa rin ako tatanggapin.

Napagod na ako at nagpasya na lang na maupo sa open chapel sa loob ng isang park sa loob ng mall premises. Kakaiba ang mall na iyon, may chapel sa gitna ng activity center. Hindi pa rin ako umiiyak, but my tears were already there, waiting to fall. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hated being helpless but here I am and I am so helpless. I silently grieved for the person I though my father would be. I know that he is ruthless, iyon naman talaga ang reputasyon niya sa business world, pero hindi ko alam na pati pala sa totoong buhay ay ganoon rin siya. Napaka – unfair sa akin.

Although at some point, I understand him. I understand the fact that he will always choose to protect first the child that he raised. Baka napamahal na rin naman sa kanya si Jayjay. Hindi naman mahirap mahalin si Jayjay. He is kind and lovable and it's not hard to see that. Kung may pagkakapareho man kami ng tatay na pinangarap ko iyon ay ang pagmamahal namin para kay Jayjay.

I took in a deep breath and thought of Jayjay. I jut hope that he doesn't take this wrong. Hindi ko alam kung anong ipapaliwanag o sasabihin ko sa kanya.

"You're that girl." I was suddenly caught up with that voice. I looked at my left and found a familiar face – sure akong hindi siya sa University nag-aaral but I know her. Hindi ko lang matandaan kung saan ko siya nakita. "You're the golden scholar." Tumaas ang kilay ko. Bakit niya ako kilala? Am I that famous that someone else from another school knows about me?

"Who are you?"

"I'm Kit's friend." She told me.

"Girlfriend?"

"No. Just friend. I saw you a couple of times in your university when I was there visiting Kit while watching him make a fool of himself." She laughed – iyong tawa niya pa ay may kasama pang snort. Napangiti na lang tuloy ako.

"How is he making a fool of himself?"

"Oh, you know the usual." Nagkibit – balikat siya. "So, what's wrong? I feel like your just like me. Trying not to cry for some reasons."

"Yeah..."

"Why?" She kept asking me. I sighed again.

"Life fucked me up."

"Same..." Parehas kaming natahimik.

"I mean... I am okay where I am. I am happy. Kahit ano na nga lang ang ibigay sa akin ay masaya pa rin ako kaya lang, parang, parang nagsisisi ako dahil sa mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. It's like... I shouldn't be here."

"You are here for a reason." Wika niya sa akin. "My Lola – or as what my Tita used to call her, Dalaga – always tells us that we are here of a reason. Kaya kung iniisip mong hindi ka dapat nandito, isipin mor in na nandito ka dahil nilagay ka ng pagkakataon dito. I don't believe in shit like destiny or fate or whatever and us being here at the same night isn't a coincidence, we are meant to be here because in some ways or the other, we need something from each other."

"What?"

Kit's friend – which I failed to remember the name, grinned at me. She is really beautiful. I love how she is pale, her skin seemed to glow in the middle of this semi darkness.

"Your clothes, for example." Sabi niya sa akin.

"Huh?" Tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay may kakaibang determinasyon sa kanyang mukha na nagdala naman sa akin ng kaba.

"I don't know your name. I just know that you're the golden scholar because Kit keeps talking about you and what he did for your mom. We're not really friends, but I need your clothes. You can use mine. I just need your clothes right now." Nagmamadali ba siya? Kunot na kunot naman ang noo ko. Siyempre kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi ako papaya, but there is something in the way she looked at me that made me stand up and follow her at the public restroom. The next thing I knew, I'm already wearing her clothes and she was running away. Hindi ko gaanong naiintidihan kung anong nangyayari, she left so fast that I couldn't ask her what's happening.

I, on the other hand, stayed at the open chapel for a long while asking myself what I gotten myself into. Malayong – malayo ito sa plano ko noong katutuntong ko dito sa siyudad and that was almost a year ago. What am I going to do now? Bakit ko nga ba tinatanong pa iyon sa sarili ko? Wala naman akong ibang gagawin kundi ang magsabi kay Jayjay ng katotohanan para matapos na ang lahat ng ito. If by chance her hates me after telling the truth, then so be it. Kahit naman ako ay baka hindi ko mapatawad basta – basta ang sarili ko.

Natatakot ako, but I must face the truth now. I need to tell him who I am, why I am here and my real agenda. Sana lang talaga ay mapatawad niya ako.

xxxx

Jayjay's

"HOW was your dad's birthday?" It was too early in the morning and the first person I saw is Lauren. Hindi ako umuwi sa penthouse. I stayed in my father's house, but I really want to leave and look for Dindin.

Hindi umuwi sa bahay si Dindin. Hindi ko rin siya ma-contact. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko siya hahanapin, and I am worried for her. Pinipilit ko lang kalmahin ang sarili ko dahil naniniwala naman akong uuwi siya sa akin at mag – uusap kaming dalawa. But I couldn't get pass the fact that the last name I heard her say is kit Sarmiento. Bakit nila pinag – uusapan si Kit Sarmiento? Why did father bring him up, or was it her? I don't know. I really need to understand what's happening now. I need to find her pero paano ako makakalis kung nandito naman si Lauren.

"It was the first time I wasn't invited to his party. Sabi ni Mr. Reyes intimate dinner daw with the family, am I not a member of this family?" She chuckled. "I am your fiancée." Tila pinapaalala niya akin. I wanted to snort.

"Why are you here in my room?" I asked, my voice is hoarse. Kagigising ko lang naman kasi pero dala rin ito ng puyat. Iniisip ko si Dindin. Nasaan na kaya siya?

"Am I not allowed here anymore?" She asked so softly that if other people hear her, they wouldn't notice the irritation in her tone pero kilala ko si Lauren. Alam ko kung anong ibig sabihin ng tonong iyon. I sighed and turned away from her. I wanted to shower and that's what I am going to do, pero bago pa man ako makapasok sa ensuite bathroom ay nagsalita siyang muli.

"I think we need to take this engagement seriously now, Jacob." What she said stopped me from whatever I planned to do at that moment. I turned to her again. Nakataas ang kilay ko. "We should start dating now, Jacob. We should be responsible enough to make this work."

"We have ten years before the engagement happens."

"Maghihintay pa ba tayo ng sampung taon bago natin gawin ang mga bagay na kailangan natin? Bago natin kilalanin ang isa't isa?" Muling tanong niya.

"Why now? Akala ko ba ayaw mong matali sa akin? Ikaw mismo ang nagsabi noon. I thought you wanted to keep your options?"

"But we're getting older—"

"Bullshit, Lauren."

"Fine." Matapang niya akong tiningnan nang mata sa mata. "Cole told me that it's getting serious. You and her..." Huminga pa siya nang malalim. "And for the first time, nag – aalala ako. Kilala kita, Jacobo, hindi ka ganyan. Hinayaan kita sa mga bagay – bagay na ginagawa mo. You wanted a past time, I am letting you fuck those girls. But Cole saw something that made her think that you're taking her way too seriously. Pinapaalala ko lang sa'yo na kahit na anong mangyari, you and I will end up together."

"How sure are you?" Hamon ko sa kanya. "How sure are you that it is US until the end? May sampung taon pa tayo, Lauren and things can clearly change within a year. What if my father changed his mind? What if I change my mind or what if I do something that can change my father's mind and I will end up marrying the person I love?"

"You...' She gasped a bit. "love her?"

"Yes. I am going to do everything in my will to make her mine because I love her, Lauren. To hell with this engagement. We both know that we're not going to be happy with this kind of marriage. Arranged marriage is a sham. Hindi tayo magiging masaya."

Nagtitimpi lang si Lauren. I saw her clenched her fist. I sighed. Hindi ko dapat sinabi sa kanya ang mga bagay na ito. I didn't want to hurt Lauren's feelings. Naging mabait naman siya sa akin. I want her happiness too, but I am at this point of my life where I will destroy everything that will hinder me from being with my Dindin.

"Look, Lauren. I'm sorry."

"No." May kung ano sa tno ng tinig niya. "I think I should be the one to feel sorry for you." Wika niya sabay abot sa akin ng cellphone niya. I didn't want this to drag further, kinuha ko na lang ang phone para matapos na iyon. I looked at the pictures she was showing me and that was when I found my eyes widening with so much anger, surprise and pain.

Sa mga larawang iyon ay naroon si Dindin. I was wondering where she went last night, I was also wondering why she said Kit's name. Iyon pala, magkasama sila. Bakit pa ako mag – aalala kung kasama naman pala niya ang mortal kong kaaway. I clenched my right fist. What the hell, Dindin?!

"Cole saw them last night. Nagkita sila sa isang hotel and they didn't come out of it. You love her? Clearly, she is only playing you o kung hindi man ay namimili siya sa'yo at kay Kit. Matalino rin naman itong babaeng ito. Wala na rin siyang lugi. Maybe she was only kind to you because up until now, hindi niya pa rin alam kung sino ang pipiliin niya. I kept telling you to be careful. I am only looking out for you... Jacobo! Jacobo!"

Didn't even let her finish. I left her in my room. I left the mansion, got to my car and drove away. Didn't even care if I was only wearing my boxers and my sleeping shirt, sa isipan ko kailangan kong makita si Dindin. Kailangan naming mag – usap na dalawa. Kailangan kong malaman kung anong nangyayari. Why the hell is she playing with me? Hindi pa ba halatang kaya kong ibigay sa kanya ang lahat?

Umuwi ako sa penthouse thinking that she would be there at hindi naman ako nagkamali. Naroon siya. I found her in the kitchen, cooking something. Her back was against mine, hindi ko alam kung hindi niya narinig ang pagdating ko pero hindi siya lumingon sa akin. She was wearing my shirt and my boxers at kung naiba lang ang sitwasyon, magiging kahinaan ko ito but I was too consumed of anger right now and I want answers.

"When are you going to tell me?" Maybe that startled her. Kung anuman ang ginagawa ni Dindin ay naihinto niya. Humarap siya sa akin. She looked so confused. Tumayo ako sa tapat niya. I cut to the chase. "When are you going to tell me that you've been playing with me?"

xxxx

Dindin's

Playing with him?

My heart stops inside my chest, and distantly, I realized that this is the fourth time I got scared in my entire life. I swallowed hard. I didn't want him to find out this way. Sasabihin ko naman na talaga sa kanya ang totoo. Hindi na ako magsisinungaling dahil kung mayroon man isang bagay na sigurado sa buhay ko ngayon, iyon si Jayjay. Hindi ko gustong saktan siya.

"What are you talking about?" I tried to smile at him. "Buti at nakauwi ka na. Lunch is ready. We should eat." Hindi pa ako handa. Ayoko pang pag-usapan. "Let's eat... please, Jayjay." Sinubukan kong hindi maiyak pero sa totoo lang ay nanginginig ang buong pagkatao ko. How will I get out of this? Kanino niya nalaman? It could be that Mr. Castillo told him. Pero sana kung anong sinabi sa kanya, sana totoo ang lahat ng iyon. Ipapaintindi ko kay Jayjay na ang lahat ng mayroon kami ay totoo but when I looked at his cold eyes, I lost it all. Right now, he is looking at me like I murdered his father and I cannot take it.

Have I done it? Have I ruined the man I love and it's all because of my selfishness.

"Don't fucking play dumb, Divina." He was gritting his teeth. "Hindi ba't laro lang ang lahat ng ito sa'yo?" He looks so mad right now. Lumapit siya sa akin. Umurong naman ako. I stepped back until my back was on the wall. Kabang – kaba ako pero parang wala lang ang lahat ng iyon para sa kanya. Hye is so mad at me. Hindi ko naman kukunin sa kanya ang lahat ng mayroon siya if that's what he's worried about. Kaya ko naman maging ganito lang kami habambuhay. All I want is to be with him.

"Kit Sarmiento." He hissed.

"I can explain..." Mabilis kong wika. Hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon kay Kit Sarmiento. Siguro sinabi ni Mr. Castillo ang ginawa ni Kit para sa nanay ko. Right, I will start with that. Parang kumalma kahit paano si Jayjay. Hye crossed his arms and looked at me like I am under a microscope.

"Fine. I will listen to you. Telle me what's your motive."

My mouth parted. Like father, like son indeed. I was asked that question last night and I am being asked again by the man I love with all of me. Tears suddenly fell. Hearing that question made me forget the things I wanted to say. I was reduced to a crying mess in front of him. Nasaan na ang palaban kong sarili?

Jayjay, who was staring back at me was getting irritated by the minute. Tila inip na inip na siya at kahit anong gawin ko ay walang kahit anong salitang namumutawi sa labi ko.

"Tang ina, Dindin! Do you think you can just come back to my life, make me fall head over heels in love with you, then try to destroy everything I have, and just cry when you're found out? You don't get to fucking do that." He sounded so disappointed. "You know how I feel when you cry."

Jayjay reached for me. Kinabig niya ako palapit sa kanya at sa kabila ng lahat ng pag – iyak ko at sama ng loob at galit niya ay nagawa niya pa akong yakapin. It makes me realize that I don't deserve this man. I deserve nothing but loneliness.

"Tell me." He said, his voice is restrained. "Tell me the truth." Bahagya niya akong itinulak at saka tiningnan mula ulo hanggang paa. When he realized that I was barefooted he sighed and turned away from me. Nawala siya sa paningin ko, ginamit ko naman ang pagkakataong iyon upang kalmahin ang sarili ko. When Jayjay came back, he was holding a pair for soft slippers for me. He bent down and made me wear them.

Again, I don't deserve this man.

And it seems like Jayjay thinks that same.

"You're terrifying. How is it that even with all that you've done to me, I still love you? You said that you're not a good person. I think... I think you're right, but I don't care because all I care about is your safety, your happiness and your comfort. You terrify me, Divina."

Hindi pa rin ako makasagot. Jayjay finally stood up and looked at my eyes again.

"Don't you have something to say for yourself?" His voice is demanding now.

"It's not yours..." I finally found my voice. Nakita kong napakunot ang noo niya. Nilakasan ko ang loob ko. "It's not yours, Jayjay. This life. It's not yours. It's the life of that boy who died in the car crash with his mother." I sobbed hard. "Why couldn't you just have stayed with me back in the province? Maybe we could've had the life where we can both be happy."

"I didn't ask to be adopted." Jayjay rose his voice. "It was all a coincidence and a curse that I was born on the same day as the one who died. Kaya ako nandito, Dindin. Kahit kailan hindi ko hiningi ang lahat ng ito." He was hissing now. "Nagpapasalamat ako sa kung anong naibigay sa akin but I never abused my power or privilege because I know that it is not mine."

I cried even more. Jayjay is a good person. Hindi siya gago, hindi siya tarantando at wala siyang masamang ipinakita sa akin kahit kailan. Alam ko ang lahat ng iyon and maybe if he had a chance, he would even give this up. But then again, babalik lang ako sa unang kaisipan ko – this is unfair. It should've been mine. My father, my house, my life and all the perks that it has. It should be mine.

"How do you think it makes me feel when I see you with everything that should have been mine?" Humihikbing wika ko pero malinaw kong binitiwan ang mga katagang iyon.

Jayjay looked confused this time.

"What are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath again. It will take a lot of courage to say this pero nandito na rin naman ako.

"Rogelio Castillo, your father, the man who raised you is my biological father. Isn't this why you're angry? Isn't this why you're yelling at me?" I wiped my tears away. Jayjay slowly shook his head.

"No... no... I thought... last night you were with Kit... in a hotel... My father... Father is your father?"

"I didn't see Kit last night. Hindi ako sumama sa kanya sa hotel." Naguguluhang wika ko. Anong pinagsasabi niya?

"He's your father..." Wikang muli ni Jayjay. "That's why you said you're not a good person because... because..."

"I wanted you to fall for me so you can give it all up and I will be the sole heir of everything he has." Pahina nang pahina ang tinig ko. When I looked at him again, Jayjay's mouth was parted and he was looking at me like he had just seen a new side of me.

"So last night at dinner, you and him—"

"I found out that he knows about me but he chose not to interfere."

"Your necklace... it was a gift from him to my mom. When I said I wanted you to have something that is mine, I gave that to you because that's all I have... you're all I have, Jayjay." I will lay all my cards now.

"Si Kit..."

"Kit paid for my mom's surgery and hospitalization bills for a long time. I still don't know why but back then he was the angel that took care of everything for us. I am always grateful for him, Jayjay. What Kit and I have is a connection – utang na loob, pero hindi na iyon lalagpas doon. Ikaw ang mahal ko, maniwala ka man sa akin o hindi. Lahat ng mayroon tayo sa nakalipas na panahon, lahat iyon ay totoo. Why do you get so upset when it comes to him?"

"Because you're mine! Because if you end up with Kit..." He paused... "I will lose everything."

"Don't... don't you trust me enough, Jayjay?" Jayjay spaced out. But I needed to know. Trust is the basis of human life. In one's relationship with other people no matter how shallow, one must not lose trust for a moment. Kapag walang tiwala, wala ring tatahaking direksyon. How can a relationship blossom if there is no trust?

"Give me something I can believe." Jayjay said while looking at her darkly.

"What do you want?"

"Cole told me you told her you love Jayjay, fine. Ako rin naman iyon pero paano kapah pinapili ka, ako o si Kit?"

"Bakit ako mamimili? Para saan? Kit isn't the issue here, Jayjay." I shook my head. "Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit palagi mong isinasama si Kit. Walang kami ni Kit. At kung papipiliin ako, kahit anong mangyari, ikaw at ikaw ang pipiliin ko. I am ready to be your mistress. I can settle for that. Because I want to be with you."

He gasped again, and then he swallowed drily.

"I will never make you a mistress." Gumaan ang pananalita niya. Nabago rin ang ekspresyon ng mukha ni Jayjay. There was a small smile in his face. "I am planning to marry you. How can I tell you I love you and just make you a mistress? I have a plan and at the end of this plan, you and I will end up married and you pregnant. I promised that."

"Jacob..." Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. He shook his head.

"It's not about Kit anymore." He said again, as if only realizing it now.

"Jacob..."

"I don't know what to do with this information..."

"Jayjay... I'm sorry I hurt you." Napahikbi na naman ako.

"I was willing to do anything for you." Nakatitig sa akin si Jayjay at hindi ko maintindihan kung anong iniisip niya. "Siguro tama sila, siguro dapat nakinig ako, dapat siguro nag – ingat ako sa'yo." Napakasakit marinig ng mga salitang iyon. But all I wanted is to trust you, Divina."

"Jayjay..." Naalarma ako nang tumalikod si Jayjay. Agad akong sumunod sa kanya. "Saan ka pupunta?" Umiiyak na naman ako.

Jayjay stopped. We're in the middle of the living area now.

"I can't be with you right now..."

"Oh..." I don't know what to say. "Okay... uhm... I'll just grab my things and I'll leave right away."

"No..." Jayjay took my hand. "You stay here, Dindin."

"But this is your home."

"At saan ka naman pupunta? You stay here, Dindin. I will sleep better and think better if I know that you are somewhere safe and this is OUR home. So, you stay..."

For the nth time today, I told myself that I do not deserve this man.

"Will... will you ever come back?"

"I don't know..."

Tears fell harder this time. "Jayjay, I'm sorry for everything."

"I'm sorry too. For everything, except falling in love with you."

"Jay..."

"I will be back, okay?" He cupped my face. "I will be back for you, Dindin. I just need time... alright?

"When?" I sobbed. He kissed my forehead.

"I promise, I will come back."

"But when?"

He gave me a light peck on my lips.

"I promise."

Jayjay finally turned his back on me. I kept crying not knowing what to do. I waited for the hard click of the door and that was when I lost it all.

Years ago, Jayjay left me because he got taken away by Mr. Castillo. Now, Jayjay left me because of his own choice. I don't know what hurt more.