The Many Poetic Tribulations of the Lesser Known Nativity Characters

                                                      By: Jacob R. Kenney

 Joseph walks alongside Mary on her Donkey. The desert’s sun shines hot and bright

 Joseph: Here you spot poor Joseph and oh, woe is he!

 wretched, thankless carpenter prone to misery.

My feet do bleed waterfalls, my sores are set free

And my wife’s been complaining all the way from Galilee.

Mary: Can it, you stinky peasant for I haven’t any cheer.

I’m not a filthy barmaid with a belly full of beer.

There’s a kicking in my mid-side that keeps me feeling queer.

I only hope this donkey doesn’t stop and die right here.

Donkey: Complaining are my masters, as if they’ve the problem got.

But they haven’t been listening to this bickering, they have not.

They don’t have a pregnant lady to bear in sun so hot.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this lot!

Mary: Joseph! He is coming. I am bursting at the seams.

Joseph: Great, another gift from heaven’s hidden schemes.

Mary: This is no time for sarcasm, as you’ll hear by my screams.

Donkey: And now, they’ll add another member to this blasted team.

They reach the inn where Innkeeper stands outside the door.

 Innkeeper: Although I am a business man, I still have mouths to feed.

It’s not like my every choice oozes drunken greed.

That being said, if there is anything you need,

It takes only coinage to put me in your heed.

Joseph: I’m a craftsman, not a noble, my purse is rather dry.

 Innkeeper: Well, I really hate to say it, but if I must then “Goodbye”.

 Joseph: But my wife, she is labouring for the lord of land and sky!

 Innkeeper: In that case you are obliged to be lords of my pigsty.

They enter the stable with Donkey in tow. Mary lays on a pile of hay beside the manger. Cow watches quietly by.

 Mary: Oh my! He makes his way in dreadful lazy time.

I do fear my shaking innards turn to squishing lime.

And what is with this stable, it’s a ball of rot and grime.

Joseph: (aside) Please, you forgiving God, let patience be all mine.

 Cow: Well, just feel free then, to intrude on my good space.

It’s not like I need calm to keep my gentle grace.

I think I might just explode from wails at this pace.

How I hope my milker does carry a sharpened mace!

Meanwhile in the pastures, the three Shepherds and Sheep congregate.

 First Shepherd: Wool is going to be the future, those putrid faces said.

Second Shepherd: And that was the last advice we took from Ponzi Ted.

Third Shepherd: We bought into sheepskin, now we’re drowning in the red.

First Shepherd: Who knew the desert would bake our poor sheep dead.

Sheep: Dead, I wish I were, to be away from this cruel heap.

Maybe they’d made a profit if they weren’t so fond of sleep.

They not only neglected water, of which I never made a peep,

But they forgot other things that can be deadly to a sheep.

Angel falls from heaven in a flash of tremendous light.

Sheep: Bah! This is exactly that. Attention they do not pay.

Angel: They will if I give their eyes the holy blast of day. (A much tremendous flash is given)

Second Shepherd: Ow! That blinding light is not the stuff that I did pray.

Third Shepherd: Instead my eyes in my head are determined not to stay.

 Angel: Comfort, you industr’ous fools, look upon my sight.

I tell you that this darkened world shall be greeted with the light.

In Bethlehem, the Judean town unknown to earthly might,

A saviour of you all is born on this most blessed night.

The Angel leaves.

First Shepherd: Well, then I guess we go. We haven’t much to pack.

Second Shepherd: And judging by our bank accounts we shan’t be coming back.

Third Shepherd: If only I could recall of that which we now lack…(Shepherds walk off)

Sheep: Oy, mates! Don’t leave me to become a pair of slacks.

Meanwhile in the desert, a star hangs over the Three Wise Men, China, Persia and India.

Star: A ball of fire is myself to point direction West.

Apparently this is the task that suited me the best.

I wish I could stop shining and take a little rest.

But, no! Then I’d fail this “crucial”, “vital” test.

China: A mystic from the East I come to glimpse God in the flesh.

But I never wanted to be caught in this sticky mess.

How often does a Persian shower? Take a simple guess.

His stench wilts the flowers and puts my donkey in duress.

 Persia: Oh, you cleanly Chinaman, whose wisdom bathes all day.

Perhaps you are the better damp, but who am I to say?

While you’ve been forging bath bombs, I have been away

Studying the proper life of Zoroaster’s way.

India: What silliness you people have with Gods so picked and few.

For my greater culture, has thirty million on you.

A God for scrubbing toilets, one for tying shoes

A God for cooking curry and counting two by two

China: And what have your Gods taught that Confucius did not speak?

India: Why Shiva could destroy his order before the ending of the week.

Persia: So why does he wait so long, if his enemies are so meek?

India: Truth be told, I do not know, but boy, you do reek!

They arrive at the stable.

Persia: Well, that star has malfunctioned, we’ve been led to a dump.

This place is strewn with fecal straw drying in moist clumps.

China: I agree, this stable is as pleasant as camel’s humps.

India: One would think a kingly cradle would have a water pump.

Mary moans and the Shepherds enter from the opposite end.

First Shepherd: Hey, is this the holy joint where our saviour is to come?

China: We were wondering the same ourselves, you toothless, Jewish bum.

Second Shepherd: There’s no need for rudeness. There are feelings where we’re from.

Mary: Quit your belly aching and help this poor Lord’s mum!

The Three Wise Men step forward.

China: I offer my assistance with riches for you untold.

For I have brought the princely gift of pure, radiant gold.

Persia: Don’t bother with this “wise man”. He’s a cat without its fur,

But even men such as he know the originality of myrrh.

India: What good are tender perfumes in a country rank as this?

Better to bathe the nostrils in Frankincense’s kiss.

First Shepherd: So, we’re giving gifts now? I missed the memo on that.

Perhaps you’ll take this “present” that my sheep freshly shat.

 Angel falls backs to Earth.

Angel: You’ve all besmirched the lesson, so I guess, I shall remind.

You grumble of mortal coils and that which you’ve left behind.

But even in your worst of days, you had God’s heart and mind.

Embrace his son and you are saved, as all of human kind.

Angel takes baby Jesus and holds him to the world and then gives him to Mary who stares lovingly into her son’s eyes.

All: Blessed be the child we hear

As we fill the world with cheer

It’s been fun, but don’t you fear

We’ll do it all again next year

                                                                                   -Fin-