arashi

I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AGAIN. This time, it happened during Physics class.

It was pretty much a repetition of last time. No tears, a handful of quivering, all mixed with the dread of a coffin above my head. It was the dim flashlight boy from the first day who helped me this time. I didn't get to thank him because by the time I was awake, school was over for the day. I didn't find him yesterday either. I hope I'll be seeing him today so that I can get the feeling of owing him something off my chest.

Dad was so scared when he heard about my second attack. I remember seeing his eyes bloodshot after I woke up. He looked so scared; scared of losing me. He gave me the biggest hug the moment I got up. Like he was making sure I wasn't gone. I'm right here, I told him. All present and existing. That night, he cried like a child during dinner, apologizing to me innumerable times.

Yesterday, I apologized to Tassel for not spending leisure with her. I gave the excuse that I was sick, to which she just smiled and told me to take care of myself. She also introduced me to a quite good-looking guy called Lance. While they talked, she made it very obvious she liked him. And he made it very obvious that he liked her too. I wondered if they were dating, but then I recalled Tassel only introducing him as a friend.

I carefully park my car in one of the lots. I'm early, so the place isn't filled yet. 

I convinced Dad to let me drive myself to school by telling him that I like driving and it'll give me a change of pace. He agreed immediately when I said I feel better when I drive, that's how much he wanted me to stop getting the attacks. Normally, he would've driven me to school because I had attacks. I just want to stop occupying Dad's time. In the last twenty days, he went to work only once. If I don't stop getting these random attacks, Dad may end up losing his job.

On the contrary, I don't really like driving. It gets my butt and hands numb. I feel like it takes way too much energy that I could spend on doing better things. Like walking. I like walking. Not running. Just walking. I like feeling the ground push me forward, little by little. But the catch is, if I'm going to walk to school, I've got to leave my house at least half an hour early. Portmouth happens to be quite far from where we live.

The first person I meet in school is Lance. His tiny figure waves at me from the ground, a soccer ball resting under his foot. One of the players kicks it out of his grasp. He swears, then runs off after him.

After the momentary interaction, I head to the school building. I almost bump into Letterhead again.

"Watch where you're going, kid!" he shouts. He sounds like an angry drunkard. 

And again, just like the first day, I see the dim flashlight boy. He doesn't see me at first, but when he does, he smiles. Then he starts walking towards me.

"You okay, man?" he asks. "Seeing you like that twice was a little worrisome."

I laugh. "Worrisome? We don't even know each other."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, but you looked...scary. Like, I was scared for you."

"Well sorry for scaring you then," I say. I'm not sure if I like his words, but I know what he said is the truth. I imagine again what my father must have felt if even a random boy was feeling scared about me.

"I'm Nash, by the way," he says, extending his hand. 

"And I'm Arashi," I say, extending mine. We shake hands, and it looks as if we've just signed into a business partnership.

🎕

Dad used to sometimes call Mom a snow vegetable. Though this one was more of a literal name than a nickname. If specific Kanjis are used, Yukina, my mother's name, will translate to snow plant. Which Dad translated into vegetable, well, because he loved her.

With glowing skin, a bright green sweater and brown pants, that's exactly what Tassel is reminding me of right now. A snow vegetable. "You look like you're participating in a nature rally," I comment.

"Oh I am," she says, "With the way things are going, someone's gotta create awareness to show that climate change is a real thing."

Her tone is confusing. "Are you joking or what?"

"Partly. I didn't think about it at all until every person I greeted started asking me why I'm dressed like a tree. So I made that up because I wanted to, I guess. But now, I really do believe it myself," she says.

"That's cool," I manage. Although weird, it actually sounds cool to me.

"Very," she says. The bell goes off that instant.

"See you at English then," I tell her.

Tassel nods. "Yeah. Have fun in the class before that," she wishes, and we go off in our separate ways.

We've hung out together for a week now, with Kim and Lance joining us sometimes during lunch. I've noticed that Tassel throws around a lot of random speeches and rants and I'm beginning to get used to them. They're pretty insightful to some extent and very, very entertaining. I've compared her to Bryan a lot, which I realized, I shouldn't have. They're polar opposites. Tassel is smart, witty and random. Bryan is stupid, flirty and gets stuck at one topic for a week. The one common thing is that both of them can really talk a lot.

I've also been spending time with Nash quite a bit. I've realized he doesn't really hang around a constant set of people. I see him talk to different people everyday, and then eat lunch alone in a corner in the cafeteria. He smiles back at everyone who smiles at him, but then they just pass him by. It silently makes him look like an outcast.

My first class is Chemistry. If Tassel was not in AP, we'd be having this class together too. But the good thing that came out of me not choosing AP is not having Letterhead as my theory teacher. He only gets to annoy me during lab classes twice a week.

It gets over fast. I take my belongings and head to English.

On entering the classroom, I see Tassel waiting for me. She holds a sheet of paper in her hand. When I check what it is, I see it's a copy of our article. She seems to be memorizing it. When she's done reading the whole thing, she looks at me. "Ready?"

I stare. "For?"

"For speaking of course," she says, dramatically. "I'm kinda nervous."

"Ah, I hope you calm down then," I say.

"Oh stop acting so calm, boy. I know you're nervous too," she almost hisses. Tassel looks genuinely scared about this entire ordeal.

I try reassuring her. "Not really. I just don't find the point in being nervous because no one except Mrs. Lowry is going to pay attention to us."

Her fingers fidget. She smiles. "You're right, I guess."

I find it kind of funny how she was so confident to go see the teacher but is suddenly uber nervous now.

Soon, Mrs. Lowry comes. She announces us the order in which the groups have to present their articles. Tassel and I go seventh out of a total of eleven groups.

"That's not good," Tassel voices next to me. "I want to get it over with as fast as I can."

She pouts, and I don't think she knows she's doing that. In the past week I've come to realize that Tassel dislikes acting around cutely even though her looks say otherwise. Her actions are cheerful, yes, but not particularly cute.

Five groups finish their presentation. After each of them Mrs. Lowry claps and Tassel gives a comment about something they did good and then goes back to picking on her lips. I blink twice to see that she's biting an already wounded part which is making it bleed more. Tassel doesn't notice it though.

"Your lip's bleeding," I finally tell. She looks at me and immediately stops biting them and licks the blood off.

Meanwhile, the sixth group is almost done. Tassel's gone eerily still. She still somehow carries an encouraging smile on her face. Shaking her left leg vigorously, she starts to bite her lips. When our eyes meet for a moment, she stops immediately again. 

"Next!" Mrs. Lowry's voice suddenly calls out. Tassel and I look at each other and stand up. She gives me the sign to move out first. I do.

She follows right behind and stands inches beside me. Our eyes connect, and we mentally affirm when we should start. Seconds later, I start with my part. Tassel starts once mine is done. This cycle continues for the next three minutes.

Although nervous, Tassel does good. I'm positive she sounds ten times better than I do. Her intonation sounds natural. She stutters at a few parts, but she perfects them and ends her words properly. 

We reach the end. Like we decided, Tassel and I bow and say in unison, "Thank you."

Mrs. Lowry claps. "Well done! Now go back to your seats, children!"

Tassel gives a huge smile. "It's done." 

It sounds like she just got over with her Drivers' License test.

She sighs and giggles. This time, I let my laughter flow. She laughs too, and I'm sure our quiet laughing is making us look like two awkward seals to the rest of the class.

"You were good," I tell her.

She nods in acknowledgement. "You too. And thanks for trying to calm me down. I kinda did relax."

"Yeah, I saw how much you relaxed," I tease.

"No," she protests. "I definitely relaxed a bit mentally. I let it go out physically."

We laugh again.

"Ms. Pager and Mr. Murphy," Mrs. Lowry calls out, her voice stern. "Please let the others do their project."

We nod, look at each other, and laugh quietly again.

☀ ☀ ☀

So I just wanted to thank myself for making me this cover in flat ten minutes which lasted me almost a month. Thank you so much Genesee!

And thank you @alazhm for making the cover I'm currently using :)

And to my dear readers, thanks for 500 reads! I'm so so so so so so so so so so happy! I hope you all are too :D

Stay safe and take care.

Lots of trees,

Genesee