" Holding on

To so much more than I can carry

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down

If I just let go, I'd be set free "

- Heavy, Linkin Park

☀

tassel

FROM THE CORNER OF MY EYE, I spot Denna approaching the mango tree. Her dirty blonde hair glistens in the sunlight. 

I feel a little let down that it's not Arashi. He hasn't come to school since two days, and I'm beginning to regret not getting his phone number before. The mango tree has been a very quiet place without him, except for my mind that talks non-stop. The mango tree is still a quiet place with him around, but he lets me channel my thoughts out in such a way that my mind goes quiet for sometime too.

Denna bends in front of me and smiles. "Hi," I say, motioning her to sit down next to me. "So you're free now?"

Denna shakes her head. "No, but I have English, which is as good as free. I was in the library to finish some work but I was getting bored so I came here hoping to find you. I just wanted to pass some time."

"Let's pass some time then," I say, standing up. Denna's gotten me in the mood for a walk right now, or even better, run. If it isn't Arashi channeling my thoughts, it's going to be my feet.

She stands up too. "Are we going somewhere?"

"Well yeah, a few steps around this ground," I respond. 

Denna looks at me with disagreement. "No way am I gonna run with you," she almost shouts. "You tortured my muscles in middle school."

I frown, throwing my hands onto my hips exaggeratedly. "It's not so bad. I promise I'll only walk. No running," I say, crossing my heart. 

Denna rolls her eyes. "Only walking," she directs.

I start walking slowly so that Denna can keep up with me. We talk more about our middle school days than what we did in our two and a half years in high school. She keeps bringing up how much I used to annoy her, but thought that I was fun to hang out with nonetheless, which were the same feelings from my side. I remember some funny insults that I used to throw at her, both of us cringing and laughing at how awkward they sound now. In between, I start running just to tease her. She shouts at me to stop, and I do so after spanning a quarter of the ground. She catches up, panting even though she did nothing else but walk a bit faster.

We decide to get lunch together. On the way, I see Nash and ask him to join us. He happily obliges, while Denna becomes a little silent. Luckily, Nash isn't the kind of person who lets people stay quiet. He starts asking her random questions. She answers them cautiously, cautious of I don't know what. She and Nash bond over things to tease me about, while I stand their doing my job of spitting out sarcastic replies. Nash then sees someone and walks away to talk to him, saying he'll rejoin with us at the cafeteria.

"What Nash is to you, you are to me," Denna explains. "You just can't give me a break with your annoyance."

I laugh. "We're both Nash to each other," I retort. Denna's lips raise slightly.

Like Nash said, he teams up with us in the cafeteria. We take our trays and sit at one of the free tables. Kim and Lilly spot us and come over. "I'll eat lunch outside today," Kim says, looking at me and Nash. 

"Okay," I say, giving her a thumbs up. I stare at Nash slyly as she walks away. "Go run after her," I tell, dramatically shooing him. "Go! Go!"

"God, stop," Nash groans. He picks his pizza slice up with such aggression, a corn kennel flies off to the next table. Denna and I look at each other and burst out laughing.

When we're done eating, Denna leaves, because she needs to finish off the last bit of her homework before class starts. Nash and I decide to simply walk around for the rest of the break.

"We have a Halloween party next weekend," he informs. "You should come."

I want to go. But if I get out of my house for just a party, my mother might just blow me off this planet. Especially because she knows what usually happens at parties. I can convince her I won't drink, which I won't, but she's not going to believe me. She hadn't even allowed me to go to Arohi's birthday party, and a Halloween party with people she's never heard of is out of the question. It always starts off with a yes from her side, then her listing out all the cons of me going, and then her finally not letting me leave the house. It's a routine I got sick of quickly, so at one point, I stopped asking for permission. Since I turn down everyone's offers now, people just discontinued asking me over at some point.

But in all honesty, it's not something I feel too bad about. Parties are too loud. Our neighbour hosts them sometimes, so I have a vague idea that it's not a place for me. I'd rather sit at home and read a book or binge-watch an anime.

"Nah, don't want to," I answer. I promised some kids in my complex I'd go trick-or-treating with them until Mom eventually asks me to return home. Which would be in, like twenty minutes, but whatever.

"It'll be fun," he insists. "You wouldn't even have to put effort into your costume with that face of yours."

"People tell we look alike, Nash," I fight back. It's a horrible statement, because we look nothing alike.

He rolls his eyes. "Literally no one does."

Instead of thinking up another comeback, I gently punch him on the shoulder.

|| ~~~~~ ||

"Go wake Dad up. Dinner's ready," Mom orders, setting the plate of salad on the table.

I stop biting my nails and go call Dad. He doesn't react. I loudly whisper Daaaaaaad into his ears. He lets out a snore.

"Bring him fast, Tassel!" Mom nags from the dining room.

Instead of calling him this time, I tickle him on his feet. Shooting his eyes open, he looks at me angrily, slowly removing himself from the bed. I giggle at his sluggishness. This is mostly what I look like in the morning.

Dad comes at his own pace and switches on the TV before seating himself. He switches channels to watch the show we always use as background music while we carry out our clogged conversations. Mom and Dad passive-aggressively fight about money problems, asking me questions about school whenever their talk dies down. As usual, fine, going on I reply. They move on to debating about the current airing episode.

My thirty-minute chatting break starts after dinner. I switch on the wifi to be surprised with a few texts from Lance. I try not to smile at the phone.

Hey

I need a favour

What?

Lance replies in an instant.

I need to copy your Physics homework

I haven't done it yet

Don't lie

Kim told me you finished it off in school

I mentally sigh. 

Just do it yourself

It's only 8 questions

I can't

We're practicing for a match this weekend

I'm sleeping over at Arnie's place

Do it at Arnie's place then

Please Tassel

This one time

I scoff at the word one. If I'm not wrong, it's around his twenty-fifth one time. Doing things like this makes him feel like my son more than my crush. Like I'm a young mother finishing off his school projects for him.

I feel Mom's stare on me. "Don't chat too much," she warns. I check the time on the clock. "Fifteen more minutes."

Fine

I'll send pics

Thanks Tassel!

:D

:|

Within five minutes, I send him the pictures of my worksheet. Mom tells me to get off the phone. Lance and I exchange thank yous and byes and then I head to my room, thinking what to do. Since I'm already done with today's homework, I decide to read a little on Inkpad.

Much to my dismay, there's no update of Free Tickets to Water Hill today. The writer is normally very punctual about her updates, so it's making me dread the cliff hangers she's cooking up for this chapter.

I randomly move around my cursor around the home page. I stop on the 'Create' button, then I click it.

I stare at this page of Inkpad I've never been on before. Write your own story! it screams. The letters at the top are so huge, I imagine my grandmother shouting out the words for some reason.

Should I write something for fun? I only have fifteen followers. It's not like they're going to critique my works. 

I suddenly get an immense urge to write something. What do I write? I have no plot to start a story with. Maybe a poem? Sounds better.

Excitement swells up in my vessels. I sense my pupils dilating. I get this extreme feeling that if I don't write something, anything right now, I'll lose my identity as a person.

I think hard about what to write. Dragging my chair to the window, I push the curtains aside and look out and beyond the railing. Instantly, a smile forms on my face.

The sky. I'll write about the sky.

And for some reason, it isn't that hard. Just within a minute of staring, words flow out of my fingers instinctively. I type out the first stanza, surprised how easily it's all happening.

Cloudy thoughts

On a cloudy night

Disappear

At the first sight

Of a black and white

Expansive sea

Floating above

The void of me.

I gape at the first stanza of my creation. It's not the best, but it feels nothing less than magical. I've written something. Something that's not homework or a report. Something that's entirely a product of my mind, not involving a single other being. This poem of mine is independent. Unbonded from the rest of the world.

Let this first stanza be the last stanza too, I think. For now, it looks complete to me. I smile at it, dazed about how it just came out of me. I wonder if this is what Voldemort felt like while making Horcruxes.

Cloudy Thoughts, I name it at first. It doesn't satisfy me. The Void of Me. Sight of the Sky. Skylight. Moonlight.

I frown at myself for not meeting my standards.

I look at the sky outside the window again. The clouds have moved away to make space for the moon. I imagine its craters forming a minimal smile.

"The Sky," I say out loud. "I'm going to name it The Sky."

For once, I want to let simplicity overcome my extremity. I type out the letters and watch them turn black and bold.

Once I'm done, I take the cursor to the 'Publish' button. Without thinking too much, I press it. It's not like someone's going to criticize it, so why not? The layout immediately becomes more refined. The title appears, big and underlined, the little poem resting under it.

Unbonded, I think again. I've created something unbonded.