a/n: absolutely too personal, and also i mention very vaguely dark thoughts and self harm, so please proceed with some caution.

***

i fell for you quietly.

at first, there were fireworks, and that vibrancy of colour i'd seen before. there was that warmth deep in my stomach and those giggle-drunk butterflies when you sent me a message. in a life of newfound hope and (what seemed like, anyway) endless sunshine, you were the rose-tinted glasses that made life that little bit more perfect.

it was on the promise of a wish, on birthday candles, eyelashes, pennies in wells, dandelions, eleven past eleven, magpies, even just a question of what i would want if i could have it.

it was giddy and glorious and honestly, it still is.

but that wasn't love. i realise that now.

no, i fell for you when i struggled to fall asleep, alone in my bed, scratching the marked skin of my fingers. when it felt as though the world were about to implode, and all the things i wanted to say to people stayed firmly on my bitten tongue.

i fell for you in the dark. in those moments where the ache of missing people seemed to consume me, and still does now. in all those times when all i wanted was to fall in front of an oncoming car, i fell for you instead.

if you asked me, i can't really pinpoint a time when i realised this was more than the swift burst of a firework, but instead the slow, steady warmth of a fire on those strange, cold days.

it's not beautiful. there are no blossoms, no rhymes, no shooting stars or fresh grass. there's not the perfection of 'i love you', the sudden kiss on a snowy day. there's not even a name to give it, or a way to tell you.

i'm sorry. i wish i could give you more than this. a pretty story worth telling, of a perfect girl who fell for someone even more perfect in the middle of spring, or perhaps autumn (i'll let you decide the season, you should be allowed that much).

i didn't fall for you in a way i planned. i don't think i ever planned it, but maybe someone out there did. maybe, we were twined together from the start, like that fresh grass, or our stars formed a constellation that no astrologer could ever begin to fathom.

i fell for you quietly. not in the loud beauty of joy, or even necessarily in the overwhelming dark of sadness. somewhere in between, i suppose. or maybe just after, in that part where you look frantically around the house for plasters that never seem to be in the right cupboard.

i fell for you quietly.

i only wish you knew that, but i've run out of eyelashes and dandelions. so i'll let it stay quiet.