Chapter 4

Hazel Sinclair

I never knew what excitement was until I was getting ready the next day for my coffee date with Christian.

To describe the kiss with one word that I had with Christian, it was 'speechless'. It was not my first kiss but that kiss was certainly the best in a while. I was blushing which was not like me but I couldn't wait to feel like a normal girl and go on a date.

When Christian arrived, he pecked me on lips and held our hands till we walked to the coffee shop down the street. It was so cute to just normally walk with a guy and feel normal because being normal was not my case. I loved this feeling of being normal for once because I had never felt like this before. But I was secretly hoping I wouldn't regret loving being normal.

We chit-chatted along with our coffee and muffins. He told me his last name is Beckett and that he sleeps naked. We cracked lots of jokes and when he dropped me at my apartment when we were talking, Jayden came out of his apartment and looked at both of us.

"Oh, so you guys are back." He smiled. "Had fun?"

Christian stared longer at his best friend and replied, "Yes, of course."

Jayden nodded. "So, I'll leave you two then." He disappeared inside his apartment.

Silence washed over the two of us. "Well, that was strange."

Christian chuckled. "Should I come over or you need some alone time?" Christian offered.

I thought about his question. If I would get my alone time, I'd regret this normal day as soon as he'd leave.

"Sure, come in." I left the door open for him to enter.

As we sat on my couch in front of the TV, with our beers in our hands, he asked a question.

"Why are you that rude to people?" He asked.

And that question was what sent me on edge.

"Why are you that nice to people?" I retorted.

"I'm not nice. I'm not that rude either. Jayden told me you even rejected his mum's cookies. She's such a nice lady, Hazel." He explained.

I rolled my eyes. "She may be nice but I wasn't feeling good that day."

His eyebrows rose up and he posited his beer on the coffee table. "You hurt Jayden's mom because you weren't feeling good that day? Do you want people to what, just telepathically get your mood? Are you even listening to yourself right now?"

I stared at him blankly. Really, I was in no mood for this nice shit right now. I sighed and got up, walked to my room, and took a look at myself. I looked exhausted and it was only five in the evening. I took out the clip from my hair that my granny gave me and threw it on my dresser. I was ready to retire on the bed but something reminded me that Christian was in my apartment possibly waiting for me. I sighed and walked back to the living room.

"Christian, you can – what in the world are you doing?" I looked at him in bewilderment.

He was looking at his phone with a huge smile and his left hand was in the air as if there was some news that made him the happiest man in the world.

"Arsenal won against Liverpool today! I fucking knew Liverpool were losers! Ha! Get this, Jayden!" He tapped multiple times on his phone.

I just stood there in complete confusion.

Christian stood up and opened the door and walked over towards Jayden's apartment. I walked a little further and just stood there, again. Jayden came out with a frown and mimicked his best friend in fake mockery. "Whatever, Liverpool is my favorite team from the start. I'm not - hey, Hazel."

I realized he had called me because I was busy gawping. He was in a lavender-colored dress shirt and black dress pants which looked surprisingly fit on him. I wondered if he started to work out because he started looking lean and there was a certain type of smile always on his face which always made me uneasy.

"Uh, what?" I blurted out.

Christian laughed out loud. "Bro, I tell you she's exhausted after our after-date."

Jayden seemed pale but he tried very well to hide it. "There was an after-date?"

"He's just joking. We only talked, Jayden." I tried to clear it up while glaring at Christian.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that, Hazel." He whispered to me and I closed my eyes tightly for an unknown reason.

"You're an arrogant bastard, Christian," I growled at him.

Jayden cleared his throat. "Uhh, I gotta go, um... Hazel must be tired, Chris. Come, let's hang out."

They both laughed and I walked back to my apartment to clock out for the day. When I fell face first on my comfortable bed, I moaned out loud and muttered about how exhausted I was and how grateful I was for my bed.

You don't deserve gratefulness.

You deserve pain. A whole eternity of pain.

You are a murderer.

Stop. I groaned and gripped my head. These murderous thoughts have to stop.

These are not thoughts, Hazel. It's you. The real you.

I got up and walked to the mirror on the dressing table. My reflection was somewhat of a distressed and toxic person.

It's not me. I wouldn't look as dead as this person staring back at me. I wouldn't scowl at my own self. Just as I realized that I may be going into depression made my head throb with pain.

No, I shall not turn into those always crying girls who think that the world is above them. Those who think that anyone could walk over them easily and that they are weak. No, I will be stronger than this. I will show the world that I'm not weak.

You're not weak. You are strong enough to call yourself a murderer.

I screamed at the accuracy of the thought. My thoughts may, however, be much much painful and torturous, but those were accurate and right. It was the bitter truth. People say that your thoughts make your judgments; that you should fill your mind with positive thoughts but my thoughts refuse to be filled. Over and over the only bitter truth takes me back to the day because of which I call myself a murderer.

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