Chapter 20

Hazel Sinclair

"Water- Can't- Speak..." I coughed, trying to ease the roughness in my throat. It felt like sandpaper, so rough.

All of a sudden, a large hand holding a glass of water was in front of me. I eyed the water, then looked up to see the stern face of Christian.

"Drink up," It felt like he wanted to say more, but kept quiet.

I grabbed the glass of water but due to my weakness, I was shaking a lot that the glass almost slipped from my hands. And suddenly, Christian's hands enclosed around mine, steadying the glass, and leaning it towards my mouth so I could drink it.

After putting the glass away, and me sighing in relief, I glanced at Christian who was standing by my side.

I noticed I was in bed. My bed. And it was night.

"Its night? I slept through the day?" I spoke.

He shook his head. "More like passed out through the day."

I looked down, guilty of having my ass saved by Christian.

"I'm... I'm sorry." I said, staring onto my hands.

I heard a scoff. "Save it. Jayden will be here any second. Be ready to answer him."

I felt like a little kid, preparing myself to answer the questions after being caught eating sweets.

Being true to his words, Jayden did step in my bedroom after a few moments, looking flawless in a black shirt and trousers. Just when he stepped in, his face turned into one of those worried ones. He walked over and knelt down to stay on level with my face.

"Hazel." He looked all across my face. "Are you feeling better?" He asked while holding my hand.

I just nodded, looking at his wet locks of brown hair.

"God, I was so worried after what Chris told me." He looked dead in my eyes. "You stayed in the middle of the road while a van was honking at you!"

I opened my mouth but no words came out.

Seriously, what would I say? Why would I want to justify myself when I knew what I did was selfish. I purposefully stayed rooted on the spot because I thought that if that could hit me, I would get my eternal peace. I'd be gone from Jayden's and Christian's life.

But I hadn't been clearly thinking. I hadn't been thinking that if I were to do that, things would get more complicated. Because, a) I'd lose to my demons. b) I'd hurt not only Jayden but Christian also. c) I'd never be able to get my happy ending.

Yes, being a pessimist didn't mean that I never longed for happiness, for happy endings. I wished for it, I waited patiently for my own happy ending. I had a hundred percent believe in happy endings.

...But sometimes, happy endings aren't meant for everyone.

"I thought..." I couldn't speak further.

"You're fucking selfish, Hazel. Do you know that? You're selfish because you thought that if you were dead, everything would magically become happier. The world will turn all rainbows and unicorns. But you didn't think about Jayden and... You were only thinking about yourself." Christian spoke angrily.

"That's right. I- I didn't- I never even knew you caught feelings for me." I looked up to meet Christian's eyes. "You called Jayden a coward? I think you are the real coward here."

The boys were shocked, it was clearly written on their faces.

"You- you heard us last night?" Jayden's meek voice was shaky.

"Not all of it, I felt weak. But I managed to hear bits and pieces." I shook my head. "You could've told me you were planning it all, Chris. Would've saved me from lies."

"But I-"

"If things were a little different, I would've just punched you both and got on with it. You both could've handled me differently, instead of playing games." I rudely said.

The fact that Christian played with my feelings to set me up with Jayden, hurt me. I started to feel normalcy in Christian's presence. Like it was meant to be. I felt giddy when he called me baby girl, for hell's sake!

"You think my feelings are a game?" Jayden's voice quivered.

Hesitantly, I nodded.

What, it could save me all the trouble. I knew I was being a bitch, but having to deal with two emotion-filled boys was being difficult for me. I was a person who never expected anything from anyone; except happy endings. I was a person whose feelings were buried deep, deep, deep down. I was a person to regret nothing.

Therefore it was better for me if I hurt them, rather they hurt me in the near future.

Talk about self-preservation.

I heard a scoff from Jayden. "Wow. Here I thought I was handling my feelings well. I thought I was in too deep to get hurt very easily. But your words wound me, Hazel."

I looked up at Christian, who was standing by the bedroom doorstep, staring at me very intently. He was trying to read me!

"You guys need to chill. It's not about life and death. But don't kill each other yet, I need my best friend and my baby girl." Christian's mocking words struck me as a surprise.

He was joking in a moment like this!

"I need a bit of time, you guys. Leave me alone for a day, or two." I hesitated to add more but did anyway. "Please."

Jayden sighed audibly, and Christian clapped his hands. "Right. You need a break from us. Cool. We're fine, yeah?"

Jayden nodded, still staring at me. "We're fine."

The way he spoke those two words kept on reeling in my mind the whole night. They left shortly after that, and I was left by myself and my excruciating thoughts.

I felt that tug on my stomach. I am alone; once again. And it was two in the morning.

Once again, the people I tried to befriend had left me. No, I isolated myself. It was sad and it was upsetting me. When I had asked them to give me a break I hadn't expect them to stay; because I wasn't that type of person who expects people of loyalty.

But I wanted them to stay because I was lost and I was not myself when I asked them to give me a break. I groaned because I was so bipolar. One moment I'm right, the next I'm left. It's all because of that damned clip.

If I could just burn it away, I could have my normal depressing life back.

***