Chapter 11

Hazel Sinclair.

Just when I woke up, I was immediately reminded of last night, how bold and courageous I was.

I was pissed. Angry. Mad.

At no one but myself.

I silently got up from my bed and walked over to take a shower. Hold yourself together. Hold yourself together. I was reciting this mantra over and over in my head.

He was not in bed with me today. Last night, I fell asleep in Jayden's embrace and I could proudly say that I slept soundly.

Bah! Could I be anymore cringe-worthy last night?! How could I do that? How could I allow that to happen?!

Knowing myself, I'd probably do it again some time. I'd act like everything is rainbows and unicorn with Jayden.

Coming out of the shower, I looked at wide-eyed Jayden who was staring back at me as if I had done a crime.

"What?" I rudely asked. Wait, that's who I am, rude.

"Are you okay?" He asked. "I dreamt that you were crying and that... you jumped off of a flyover." His voice was concerning and so were his eyes.

I couldn't speak as I was very busy in gawking at his worry-filled expression. A person is worried, for me. A person feels concerned, for me. A person cares, for me.

He sighed, walking up to me. I was startled when he leaned closer and whispered in my ear. "Can't be without you." Finishing off the gesture with tucking at my ear lobe with his teeth, he kissed beneath my ear.

The words were a shocker.

But I was frustrated as hell.

My mouth kept opening and closing as if I was contemplating whether I should speak or not.

"I- you- you should leave." I blinked quickly and pushed myself away from the warm embrace.

Walking to my bedside table, to check my phone, I saw my clip resting and picked it up. I might say I couldn't deal with him but I was kind of wanting to have a real talk about this situation.

"Hazel, there is something you still don't know." He said.

"I don't want to know anything, Jayden! Just stop trying and give up. Leave!" I shouted but on the inside, I was silently wanting him to stay and talk it out.

The clip was still inside my hand, as Jayden came over and held my hand, urging me to look at him.

"But I want you to know." He smiled at me, his face softening with his eyes sparkling with determination. "I want you to know that I love you."

My face went blank. But his smile was somewhat hopeful. Why hopeful? It was him who was in love, not me. I wouldn't say it back. I only love Christian.

Or do I?

"Jayden?"

"Yeah?"

"You seriously need to leave before I lash out and snap at you," I suggested. It was kind of painful to hold my anger back.

How dare he love me? Love a girl like me?

"I don't care. Shout at me, even slap me. I want some kind of reaction, Hazel. I want to know how you feel about me loving you." He softly replied.

"You don't understand!" I cried again. "You wouldn't! I suggest you leave!"

How could he love a broken girl? Who wishes death upon herself?

"Then make me understand, Hazel. What are you holding back from?" He gripped my arms securely.

I can't let him love me. I can't let him have any feelings for me.

I looked up with teary eyes. "I don't love you," I said pathetically.

He sucked in a sharp breath.

"I don't think I have it in me to love anyone. Even if I do, I'll destroy people." I broke down into tears. "I kill them." With a sad look, Jayden pulled me into his warm embrace and carried me to my bed.

"I think you're forgetting that I love you, Hazel. You can't hurt me that easily. I can take the harshest blow from you." His voice slightly quivered.

I shook my head rapidly. "No, I can't. I can't love anyone."

"What about Chris?" He inquired.

"Maybe I said it just to spite you..." I sniffed. "You really shouldn't love me. I'm not easy to love."

I felt him kissing the top of my forehead before he replied. "Who said loving someone is easy?"

"Not me. I never loved anyone." I replied.

Flashes of my granny urging me to say the same three magical words to her entered my mind and suddenly, I felt even more frustrated. Images of my parents flashed across my mind and that's what made me cry even more.

"Don't cry, Hazel. Please." Jayden kissed my nose and even though it sent my mind go whirring, I ignored it.

"I am pathetic, Jayden! You're even more pathetic to love me! How could you do this? I'm the cause of my parents and granny's death! I killed them!" I shouted.

Despite his curiosity, he held me tightly and securely against his chest, mumbling sweet things to me.

Whatever. I hated sweet!

"It's going to be fine, Hazel." He mumbled into my hair and I felt myself feeling relieved. A tad bit relieved. "Do you want me to put it on?"

He gestured to the clip in my hand and I gasped. I was not wearing it yet I survived this conversation up till now?

One of my cats jumped on the bed and curled up beside me. I nodded and put the clip just on the front of my hair, to stop my bangs from falling onto my face.

"Take a deep breath, now. Relax. It's fine." Jayden whispered.

"I just... I want everything to stop! The nightmares, the thoughts. Jayden, my thoughts kill me. It's always there in my head and telling me to kill myself." I scowled. "The reason I'm surviving right now is that I got lucky and couldn't cut deeper."

Immediately, I felt him shifting and he held up my wrists, running his thumb over it as if to check for any blade marks. "Hazel... Don't tell me you..."

He turned me around so I was straddling him. I bit my lip and looked down. Showing him the ugly white scar on my foot, just below the ankle joint, I spoke. "No, I did it here..."

He sniffed and for the first time, I saw a tear rolling down his face. Gorgeous face. "Why? Why do you do this?"

I was still staring at his gorgeous face so I didn't reply. I let him check out the scar on my foot silently as I checked out his facial features, shamelessly. His face was hands down, beautiful.

Just as I was about to put my foot down wordlessly, I felt him lean down a bit and putting his soft, plump lips over the scar. He kissed it!

"Please, never do that again. Promise me." He said quietly.

I raised my hand to run my fingers over his facial features. "I can't promise anything, Jayden."

His eyes bored into mine, and his jaw clenched. We were some inches apart. "You can't just hurt yourself like this. You deserve much better."

I sneered. "I probably deserve nothing. Not even your love."

"Don't say that." He mumbled and leaned in to place his lips on mine. I closed my eyes. But I never felt his warm lips. Instead, I felt his forehead touching mine and his hands cradling my cheeks. "Never ever bash yourself like that, Hazel. I- it hurts me to see you like this."

I felt heartwarming in his words. It was somewhat annoying but it somehow felt good. Why? I don't know. How? I had no idea.

"Please..." I let a few tears out of my eyes while watching his eyes carefully.

He smiled softly. "Please what?" His eyes were brown yet showed so much emotion that for a moment there I was just staring into his eyes. For a moment, I forgot who I was or where I was. I just stared his brown orbs as if they were my savior. My savior from the thorns of this world.

"Hazel?" I felt him bringing me back to Earth by calling my name and speaking a couple of inches away from my own mouth.

My eyes traveled down to his lips. His soft, plump and pink lips that felt so... tempting. I gulped to feel something physically. I felt like there were no physical feelings within me. I felt like there was something missing, something so powerful, and something which could consume me. It was missing and for the first time since today, I felt glad. I was relieved that my thoughts were shut off even for a moment. It felt normal. And for the first time right now, I liked normal.

"Jayden, please," I whined. I didn't know what I was whining for. I didn't know what I was longing for. It was either to get him away from me or get him to bring me even closer. His scent was filling my mind which played with my senses. I liked how his scent was domineering over my thoughts. I liked it.

He leaned in closer and I felt his lips brushing mine. I was a mess. My thoughts were a mess. My heartbeat was a mess. I literally felt like pudding the moment his lips touched mine in a soft and gentle peck.

As if afraid that I wouldn't like it or jump away, he snaked his arms slowly on my waist, holding me tightly. Then he pulled away, with a vibrant smile on his face. I was so much tempted to mimic his smile.

Who cares? He kissed you, give him a smile anyway.

And just like that, I felt the sides of my lips twitching upwards into a tiny, shaky, and small smile.

Yes, I smiled.

***