CHAPTER 1 - Cursed Genes

I was left speechless as I just watched a famous variety show. Nothing could stab my heart deeper than the fact that there were two episodes which were so spot on about my life.

My pathetic saga.

The first episode was about a sister who was totally opposite with her little sister who is tall, slender, beautiful, fair-skinned and smart.

While the sister... Yes, all you have to do is turning those adjectives above into their antonyms.

So, she endured so many discrimination including from strangers who seemed too brazen when it comes to pitch into her look. She lost her job and crush, merely because her sister was more spectacular than her.

Meanwhile, the story was about a brother who was more hideous than his big brother. He looked like a famous actor and used to have a dream that one day, he would be one.

Apparently, there was nothing wrong with his dream and look. He simply had an auspicious future and life.

But, it became trepidation when people preferred the big brother to the little brother because of his look. The younger one was rejected by a lot of girls and the more heart-rending side was there were some people told him that he should work harder since he was ugly.

Those stories totally reflected my life. My cursed life which was about cursed genes.

As soon as I finished watching the show which ended with a 'stop discriminating based on looks' message, I stared at myself in the mirror in my room before I realized that it was so rare for me to do such things since I hate this kind of look so much.

Dark skin, an emaciated and short frame, a hideous face with full of pimples and a big head with not a lot of hair and a wide forehead.

I just looked downright filthy. I was also said on my face by some skanks that I am so ugly.

I was so stressed out with the fact that I inherited all these genes from my father. His family was...

I did not mean to be malicious but his family was a family that I did not want to be associated with. If I was reincarnated, I did not want to be his daughter if it meant he would pass down his genes to me. His family had nothing that could be proud of. His family was very terrible in terms of social skill, very selfish, cold and they were not really close to each other. They lack the love and empathy that you are supposed to have among your siblings. 'Jobless', 'lazybones', 'hot-tempered', 'decadent', 'wicked'... You name it. They all had it.

While my mother... She had grown up in a family with full of love and affection. They were so close to each other. They are lookers who are not only well-to-do but very modest and benign...

Which my little sister, Meera was so lucky to have them all. She was diligent, bright, athletic, and she loved to learn new things so she participated in so many clubs and contests which she ended up to be chosen as the president. She was beautiful and she knew how to look confident and presentable.

Not to mention she was very likable, loving and humble.

People can say that all I had to do was endeavouring to be like her but I already grew up with negativity. It was hard when you had to force yourself to get engrossed in activities that you did not even bother with their existence. Swimming, playing basketball, playing chess... I just did not like them for no reason. It would always end up with me could not absorb any of the new knowledge.

My sister was voted as the club president but I was invisible until I finished my degree. My clichéd and petite frame with a pair of glasses on my face could be the factors but I also was a reserved person with a very low self-confidence. There was one time where I was taking my usual seat in class when one of my classmates was muddled with my presence so she asked me;

"Are you in this class as well?"

"Yes."

"I never saw you before."

Yes, said someone who loved the back seat to the person who loved the front seat.

"Do you know me?" She asked.

"No," I said, bluntly.

And her friends split their sides.

"Serves you right. She also doesn't know you, hon," her friend said to her.

I was like... Do I have to know you? Are you that popular here? So stuck-up!

Back to my sister, Meera...

She was athletic but me... Sport and I were not meant to be chummy. I tried to join handball and netball team but was rejected because of lack of skills and strength.

She was intelligent but me... I always had hard time. I was so slow to catch new things. When I learnt driving, the teacher even sneered,

"You are more terrible than old people, you know that?"

Meera was confident with her look and presentable while me... I knew no matter how hard I tried to make myself looked beautiful, I knew it would be to no avail.

I was so sad to the point of I vented it on my mother.

"Why do I look so much like daddy? My life will be better if I look like you and have personality like you. Just like Meera."

"That's not a nice thing to say, Lynn. You should not talk bad about your father. It's a very sensitive matter and you should not blame him for this. You can be smart, nice and you can achieve anything you want but the thing is... You have an extremely low self-confidence. You always say to yourself that you can't do anything."

To be honest, deep inside, I did not believe in the confidence shit. If you were confident but you just did not have a talent, it would never work out.

And now, after one year and half graduating from university, I still could not get a suitable job for my degree. The clichés were I was rejected from the positions which required my qualification because I did not have working experience but when I applied cashier or clerk position...

"You have a degree, dear. It's a waste to work for such a cheap pay. Plus, I bet you will quit once you get a job with higher pay, right? We want the permanent one."

I cried because of this shitty life.

But it was all changed when I updated a status on Facebook, saying that,

'I need someone to talk.'

I did not even care if they said that your Facebook status mirrored your personality and your future employers might judge you based on your Facebook account.

The first friend who was willing to talk to me was Mei, a close friend from high school. She sent me a personal message in Facebook.

'Hey, Lynn! Are you okay?'

Since I really needed someone to talk to, I vented everything on her.

And she said...

'You know what? It makes two of us. I had a hard time to pursue my studies in university because of my bad grades. I didn't know what to do in my life until I realized that I am the only one who can change my life. I should be strong and ignore what others think about me so I ended up starting over and striving so hard in my studies. So, Lynn, if a weak student like me can do it, you, one of the best students that I know also can do it. Back then in high school, I really admired you. You always did what you loved to do. You ignored what others thought about you.'

My heart was struck by her words. She was right. I always did what I wanted to do which was...

I love writing.

But, I became hopeless again since the book industry in my country did not have a promising future, tally with the current economy. The popular authors also struggled to publish their books since people did not really buy printed books anymore. There are also a few publishing companies stopped operating because of insolvency.

Apparently, I love something that did not give any benefit and monthly income to me so it was better for me to relinquish.

But my friend also had her ups and downs before she could pull herself together and study seriously.

What about me?

Did I have to give up in every single thing that I tried because I failed once or twice?

So what if I looked like the female version of my father? Did I need to blame everything on him when obviously, as got older, he also tried to change into a better father and husband. He did not ask to be who he was. I should be grateful for what God had provided me. A body with no disabilities not at all. A family who loves me for who I am.

There were so many people out there who were more unfortunate than me.

I was suddenly reminded of the memory when I was 12 years old...

All my grades were always excellent because I studied hard. I knew I was not that smart to excel in exam without being scholarly so I did not have any choices other than studying and studying.

The memory when I learned how to ride a bicycle suddenly became so wonderful in my mind. I was late. While others already mastered it when they were five to seven years old, I was nine years old when I learned it. I used to fall down into a big drain, together with my neighbour's bicycle but it did not discourage and traumatize me. Instead, I kept learning until I knew how to ride it.

Why all of these happened? Because I did not have any negativity in my mind. I did not have such thing as 'I cannot do this since I am slow'. All I thought before was to be able to do it.

What an optimistic child I was.

But now, I called myself ugly, incompetent, bad-mannered and many more because my life was so full of excuses. I did not even work much so who was I to say that I was done?

Nobody could change my life except me. I needed to improve myself so that I could be a better person and the God's servant.

'You know there is a scholarship to further your studies in master, right? Why don't you apply it? At the same time, you can write and publish your own book'

Yeah, she was right. Thanks to Mei who was very supportive.

I know, after this, it would be a very hard journey but I had a lot of reasons to not give up easily.

I was done. I wanted to be like Oh Jin Hee in Emergency Couple, a character from my favourite Korean drama. She started as a character with ineptitude. She did not know what she was good at and when she was hopeless, she let her emotions controlled her mind. Yet, after her divorce, she struggled to study medicine and passed the test after the third time. She made a lot of clumsy mistakes as an intern but her perseverance and instinct as a doctor eventually came in handy. She improved as a doctor and she continued to look forward in her life.

I hope after this, I could be as strong as her.

A/N: This story was inspired by Hello Counsellor, a Korean show. This story is dedicated to whoever feels like a loser with no achievement or progress in his or her life. It's a reminder for me as well since I am also a normal human being who can be upset anytime in her life since life is soooo unpredictable. Feel free to share what do you think or your own experience in dealing something like failure or sorts. Thanks for reading!