Not There Anymore
Synopsis: Chaeyoung is still waiting for the girl who just isn't there anymore.
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It's another rainy day, as if the sun forgot how to shine upon my life. I walk without an umbrella again, it's pointless anyway.
"Hey, Chaeng, can we share an umbrella?"
Her voice rings through my head and I shake away the thought as my saunter through the rain changes into a sprint. I can't tell the difference between my tears, my sweat and the rain. It's almost comforting, the confusion. It's a long run until I reach a park and I sit down on a bench, drenched in rain.
"A bench for two?"
I see her smile as I hear her again. I wish she would just leave my thoughts. For a moment I look up as if she's there, but all I see is the dark grey sky spilling down it's needless pity onto me and I sob again. Burying my face in my hands, I try not to think about her.
"Don't cry baby, It's okay."
No one's around so I scream in agony as the voice rings again and I bolt up to go on another painstaking jog. I can feel the cramp in my legs and the final push of my lungs and I eventually fall and wheeze inside an alley. I prop myself up against one of the walls and pull my hood over my head.
"Don't hide Chaeng! Show off!"
I knock the hood off my head at the memory. I get up again and walk this time slowly back to my complex. I go as slowly as I can up the stairs. Each step seems the heavier than the last and it might just be that my clothes are getting more soaked than they already were.
"Why don't we take the elevator?"
I hear her cute whine and unknowingly a small smile spreads across my face. I miss her, more than anyone could ever imagine. I wish she was here with me as I reach my apartment. The numbers on the door are crooked and rusted, but I stopped caring about that long ago.
"Come on, let's fix it together."
I scoff a little under my breath thinking about the word "together." It seems like a dream, much too far away for my liking, but I guess it's only a word anyway. I open my door and hear a small click as it closes behind me. It's still a mess and I don't have the heart to clean it, or even organize it a little.
"Chaeyoung, you aren't a pig! Clean!"
I laugh out loud this time. The privacy of my room makes me feel better than I thought it would. I decide I don't want to change and I just stay in my soaking clothes as they drop all over my floor. I see the other room, her room. I haven't opened it yet and I feel a little extra inclined to do so today.
"I don't need a room, I can just use yours."
I remember how she smiled while saying that. I remembered how she slept with me every night and only used her room to study. I remember the lullaby she sang when I couldn't sleep and all the little kisses I gave when she was studying.
"Go away Chaeng."
It hits like a knife when you hear those words from someone you love. She said so often to me that last week. I said sorry a million times and she never seemed to be okay with me anymore. She left earlier than when I woke up and came back late, and even if I had waited for her, she would never say hello.
"Leave me alone."
I think about those words as I cry, again. Her eyes in that moment as the door slammed and as I heard the lock click. I remember banging on the door, begging her to come out so we could talk. It was like she hated me.
"We're over."
Those were the words that let my world come crashing down. She told me she was going to move out the next morning. Her door was locked again, and I slept slumped against it rather than in my own room. Then I heard the thud and the creak hours later.
"Love?!" I yell, worried out of my mind.
There is no response. So I bang on the door over and over, shouting.
"Let me in!" I beg, "Please!"
Silence. Like she wasn't there anymore. I pick her door's lock and open the creaking door, and fall to the floor sobbing.
There is Im Nayeon.
The love of my life.
Surrounded by pills.
Barely warm.
Dead.
And then there is her phone. There wasn't a lock anymore, and the only thing I could find on it was one video.
I let my trembling hand hover over the door handle to her room. I feel like it's time to watch the video. I never did, I couldn't.
Slowly, I open the door and it creaks like it always had. The police tape of her body's shape is still on the ground, as a mark of her last moment. It's dusty in here. Then there is her phone, left on the charger, still unlocked.
I sit down in her chair and I quickly look for the video. Shaking, I click the play button.
Nayeon's beautiful face shows up. She's smiling her gummy, squirtle smile. Then she takes a deep breath, and she starts talking.
"Chaeyoung-ah. My little tiger. My love." She smiles, "I'm sorry I left you."
"It's okay..." I find myself replying.
"I just couldn't hold on anymore. I tried Chaeyoung, I really tried. B-But I can't live like this anymore. I know you'll be okay, you were always a strong one." She says.
"I'm not okay..." I say, silent tears falling.
"You probably want to know why I chose to... Well, find my way to heaven. I promise it's not because of you. So don't think it is." She says, crying herself.
"Then why... why'd you go..." I sob.
"It was simply me. My parents died in a car accident the other day and I didn't know what to do. You made me so happy, but the fact that I couldn't be there with them hurt me so much." Nayeon continues, "Chaeyoung, I'm going up to see them."
"Then what about me... What about me!" I wail, "I can't be with you."
"I'm with always. Please don't forget me." She says, "I couldn't handle the pain, and I could only hide it for so long. You made it so much easier. There were moments when even your love couldn't drown out the sorrow."
"So it is my fault... I should have loved you more, I should have..." I say.
"But your smile made every day worth it. I know you slept by my door on the days I got angry. You'd see me and smile and I would feel better." Nayeon tells, "But then I found out my parents' bodies were lost in the accident. Like they were simply wiped off the face of the Earth and that was unbearable."
"Why didn't you tell me..." I said, my hand enclosed in a tight fist.
"I never was able to tell you because you were already so stressed about school and making money for the both of us. I couldn't just dump all my sadness onto you." Nayeon says, "I could never do that to you."
"I would've taken it... I wanted to be there for you... Why wouldn't you just let me..." I said.
"I'm so sorry Chaeyoung. I want you to move on from me and from this. Be clean, use an umbrella and don't just run when you're emotional!!! I know you Chaeyoung, I know you're lonely and hurt, but I know you. You'll be okay, just please don't forget me." Nayeon says, "And..."
She takes a deep breath in the video and I seem to as well.
"I love you, Son Chaeyoung." She says with a defining smile, "I will always love you. Goodbye, my love."
The screen turns black and my heart clenches and it's like I can't breathe through the tears I'm spilling. I sob in the worst pain I've ever felt and my fist bangs on the table, the sound ringing through her room.
I can't accept that she's gone. I've been waiting for her to walk in and smile for me. I've been waiting to hear her again, but not like this, never like this.
I play the video over and over again until I've memorized every word.
I run outside, buy a bouquet of flowers and run to her grave. I place the flowers down and although it seems odd I place a small kiss on the cold stone.
"Hey love. It's me... I finally watched your video. I-I think I'll be okay, I just need more time. I live by your last wish. I'll try and move on and I won't ever forget you. Your smile, your voice, your love. It's not here physically, but it will always be with me." I say, "I love you, Im Nayeon. I always will."
I get up slowly and smile sincerely for the first in months.
"My final farewell, Nayeon." Then I turn away and I don't look back. The sun is shining again.
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