Stuck

By Amethyst Turner

I'm stuck at the bottom of the throat

Of a long, cold lonely cave

The mouth opens above me

Welcoming others in

Never spiting us out

Now we just sit and wait for Hopelessness

to Swallow us

XXX

Micky fell across the couch, defeated. The world felt suddenly heavy; it pressed on her, breathed down her neck like a giant, inescapable animal. Micky closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe.

"Hey, baby," said a voice from above.

Micky bristled, feeling a scowl take over her face. "Hi," she said. A hand touched her face, fingertips brushing over her cheek. "Not right now," Micky grumbled.

"Oh, Micky." She felt the weight of another body sinking onto the couch with her. Kris's warmth radiated onto her, stifling Micky. "Tell me what's wrong. I want to help."

"Nothing's wrong." Micky pinched her eyes closed and wished that could be true. "I just want to be alone right now."

XXX

Her friends were always talking about love: I'm so in love with him, we're in love, he says he loves me, but Charlie was certain that none of them actually knew what true love felt like.

And she hadn't, either, until recently. Was it true love, what she felt for her loud, obnoxious brothers and her aloof, uncaring parents? Surely not. If that was all love was, Charlie didn't think she wanted anything else to do with it.

But this, this right here, had to be love. What else could make her heart sing so sedately, her fingertips buzz with such a delicious tremor? Her stomach felt light and airy with it, like she just might float away if nothing dared to anchor her down.

Amethyst sat across from her, thin legs crossed, mangled toes hidden under her fleshless thighs. How strange it was that Charlie had fallen head over heels for such a skeleton of a child.

With Piglet in her lap, the girl buried her face in his downy fur and sighed long and hard, a startlingly adult sound from such a little girl

"Are you alright?" Charlie asked. "You look tired."

Amethyst looked up, eyes bleary. Charlie noticed the red splotches on her cheeks and the way her nose shone scarlet on her pale skin, dark rings around her eyes. Had she been crying? "I'm fine," the girl said.

"No you aren't. You can tell me, Aimee. Are you homesick? Do you miss your parents?"

Shaking her head, Amethyst exclaimed, "No! I don't want to go back."

"Okay." Charlie reached across the space between them to pet Piglet, who buzzed like a car engine with pleasure. "Then what happened? It looks like you've been crying."

Aimee looked down, but Charlie could see the corners of her mouth trembling. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone," she whispered. Looking up, she said, "Not even you."

Charlotte ran her palm over the fading bruises on Amethyst's face. Of course she would be afraid to tell. Hadn't she had her fair share of run-ins with people who made her pay dearly for her "mistakes"? Charlie scooted closer and kissed Aimee's cheek, startled by the warmth of her skin. "It's okay," she said. "Just let me know if you ever want to talk."

"Okay." Amethyst smiled and flushed and kissed her back.

XXX

"Hi."

". . . Hi."

June stood completely still, her arms drawn across her small breasts. As Jameson's eyes pierced her, she became increasingly aware of the tight wrinkles in her leotard between her legs. Sliding one hand away from her chest, she used it to pave over the wrinkled spot. She felt like crying.

"Don't cover yourself up," Jameson said from across the room. June felt her body quaking with anticipation as he stepped closer. Stay away! her mind screamed. Touch me, her heart begged. He smiled at her. "Things don't have to be like this between us, June. Can we just forget it ever happened?"

Forget? How could they? June couldn't go an hour without Jameson scrolling through her mind, startling and brilliant in his nakedness, moving quietly as a snake across her body. As he approached, June took a step back. "Wait."

"What?"

He kept coming, backing her all the way into the mirror in the back of the room. She could feel his breath on her neck as he pressed his body into hers. Her heart ran frantic circles, pushing spots into her vision and making her pulse palpable in her stomach, in her throat, right between her thighs. She almost wanted to open her legs to him again, let him in. Up close, his face was so lovely: those downturned eyes and full lips she'd come to know so well.

But, she knew, if they were going to get through these exams, she'd have to be stronger than that. It absolutely, one hundred percent could not happen again. June slipped out from underneath him and went to pack up her dance bag.

XXX

The next day, Amethyst didn't want to go back. But Brinley knew they had to.

There were so many things he said he would do if they didn't come back. He would kill one of them. He would kill Brinley's family. He would kill Kris. He would take them away and keep them forever.

Besides, Brinley liked her visit to Sam's house. Well, he called himself Sam. She didn't really think that was his name. He lived in a cave deep in the woods, so thickly hidden in trees that you could walk right by it without seeing if you didn't know what to look for.

Last time they'd visited, Sam had worn a ski mask and fed them each a plate of strange, tough meat that didn't taste like anything Brinley had eaten before. When she asked what it was, he said he'd cooked up a couple of squirrels for them. Amethyst, who'd already looked pale, threw up a little on the dusty floor of the cave. Sam had just grinned and kneeled down to wipe it up.

He hadn't touched Aimee the way he'd touched her. Brinley hoped he wouldn't. It made her feel special that she was the only one he wanted like that. On the first couple visits, the ones where she was alone, he'd held her in his lap and told her little stories while his left hand explored beneath her clothes. Toward the end on the second time, he had even let her see what was under his pants. He'd let her touch it.

Brinley knew there was something wrong about it all, but she certainly wasn't going to tell anyone. Not only did she fear the punishment, she also feared losing her new friend. She like Sam a lot, loved him even, in her own perverse, childish way. What would she do if she lost him now?

Go back to being boring old Brinley.

Her visits to Sam's made her someone else, someone who knew things other people didn't know. Someone loved her, someone thought she was beautiful, even if it wasn't her parents or her friends at school. Someone thought she was worthwhile.

And she couldn't afford to lose that. She dragged Amethyst back through the woods, and her heart tingled with anticipation.

XXX

Amethyst pinched a strip of bacon between her tiny, pale fingers, looking at it with something not unlike contempt. She set it back on her plate and began wiping her hand furiously on her napkin.

"You okay?" asked Owl around a mouthful of eggs. They'd had breakfast for dinner twice since Amethyst had moved in. There'd never been a problem with bacon before.

Aimee shrugged. "Do you ever feel like your food was alive before you eat it?"

Owl couldn't stop herself: she laughed. "Aimee, honey, meat comes from animals. Of course it was alive."

The girl's face blanched. She jerked away from the table suddenly, trembling. Amethyst covered her mouth and when her hand came away, Owl saw a little pile of vomit in the palm of her hand.

"Oh, honey." She grabbed a towel from the kitchen and went around to Amethyst's side of the table. The vomit smelled decay and acidic, clumped in Aimee's hand with yellow and brown colors like a melted snake. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew that. Oh, oh, don't cry."

Owl wiped the sick away and led the sobbing girl over to the sink. She washed her hands for her, lathering soap onto her sticky palms. The girl breathed hard, long wails crashing out of her throat.

"Why?" she sniffled. "I don't want to eat animals. Don't make me eat animals! I don't want to!"

Owl dried her hands and put her arms around Amethyst. "Sweetheart," she said. "It's okay. Eating meat is a natural thing. Humans have been doing it since the beginning of the time. That's why God put animals on the Earth. For us."

Aimee shook her head, shrinking away. "No, no, no," she muttered. "No. Th-they're alive. I-I've seen them."

"I know, Baby. But after we eat them, they aren't alive anymore. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Owl!" she shrieked suddenly. "What if somebody ate me? Then would you say that?"

"Aimee, that's different--"

"How? How?" Amethyst leaned over the sink, dry heaving. Owl supposed there wasn't anything left in her stomach. "It's not different. It's just the same."

Owl sighed, patting Amethyst's bony back. "I'm sorry, baby," she said. "You don't have to eat meat anymore if it really upsets you that much."

Aimee didn't respond. It took Owl a second to realize she was trying to make herself vomit up the rest of the meat she'd eaten in the past. 

XXX

He wakes up early today
Throws on a mask that will alter his face
Nobody knows his real name
But now he just uses one he saw on a grave

-Trapdoor by Twenty One Pilots