DEDICATION: MysticEnderWolf :)

[36]: "This Isn't A Soap Opera." | Part II

"I fucked up." I pulled Axel away from the throng of people milling down the hallway, skipping past greetings and pleasantries. "I really fucked up." I squeezed my eyes shut, "So bad that I want to shoot myself in the head because there is absolutely nothing in there that can be hurt by the bullet." I tapped the side of my head in frustration, "Hear that? Empty."

The morning had not been any better than our car ride to school. Gideon had gone out of his way to avoid saying even a single word to me, even going as far as pushing his chair away from mine and risking the teachers' irritation when they walked down the aisles. Whenever I had made an attempt to strike up a conversation, I had been rebuffed so obviously it wasn't even funny. My words had always been followed with that annoying, silent moment when he looked at me blankly like he was wondering whether or not to bother with an answer, before he had finally given me the shortest reply imaginable.

It was official. Gideon was done with me.

"Woah, dude," Axel exclaimed, and I opened my eyes with a tormented expression. "What the heck happened? Start from the top."

"Gideon is acting like I don't exist." I all but cried, "He hates me, and it's all my damn fault!"

"Let me guess." Axel put his hands on his hips with an amused smile, leaning forward to lower his voice, "You fucked him."

"What!?" I was sure the scandalized expression on my face was enough to convey my shock.

"Oops, sorry." He grinned. "You made lurve to him."

"No!" I cried, outraged, "He gave me a blowjob, is all!"

"Woah, seriously?" His dark red eyebrows flew past his lighter bangs. "We thought that happened a long time ago. Apology sex. When you were pissed at Gideon for that 'you have nothing' comment."

"What the—No! He just hugged me, back then and, wait—" I stopped, something even weirder occurring to me only then, "Why the fuck are you guys discussing our sex lives in the first place!?"

Axel shrugged like it was every day that you talked about your married best friends' sex lives with your other best friends. "Who says we can't?"

"I say you can't!" I laughed, suddenly feeling hysterical with everything that had transpired. Gideon hated me and my friends were discussing my sex life like I was some sort of pet project.

Could my life be more chick-flicky?

"Oo-kayyy." Axel looked at my laughing form up and down, as if noticing that this was something serious only then. "You need to stop. Like, for real. And we need to go to the cafeteria. Everyone must be wondering where the heck we are."

"But he hates me!" I threw my hands up in the air, feeling the panic and worry I had been keeping at bay all day rise. It was too much all of a sudden, this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I can't lose him, too. No. Not another person ripped away from me. "Gideon thinks I'm out for his dick and that I don't value his friendship. But I do! He's so freaking important to me. I would never willingly throw it away—"

"What!? He told you that?"

"No!" It was getting difficult to breathe, and I felt like the hallways were shrinking in on me. My heart was beating a mile a minute, and I could feel sweat forming on the top of my brow. What was happening to me? "But he didn't have to. He can't even look into my eyes. He thinks I'm scum—"

"Harvey, my man, are you okay!?" Axel sounded alarmed, but I couldn't focus on him. My breath was coming in short pants and my vision was going blurry. All that ran through my head in a loop was 'not him, too' and 'oh, God, please don't take him away.'

So much had been brutally snatched away from me that I didn't think I could stand it if another constant in my life was wrenched away, too. Gideon Kincaid had been there through it all with me, albeit as my enemy, and I knew him like the back of my own hand, despite all the feelings of stupid rivalry between us. Now, after years, we had finally managed to put everything behind and form this fragile bond, and even if it killed me to swallow the attraction I had for him and just be his friend, I'd gladly do so if it meant I got to keep him.

But to think that I had already lost him . . .

It made me want to curl up in a ball and rock until this feeling of hopelessness faded away.

"What the . . . ? What's going on!? What the hell is wrong with him!?" That voice.

It was the voice I had wanted to hear all day.

"Gideon!" I spun around and wrapped my arms around his neck in a second, drawing him close. He seemed confused by my sudden reaction, his body taut with tension. But he hugged me back nonetheless, his arms going around me in a protective manner that I liked. "I'm so sorry. Please, Dion. I'm sorry—"

"I don't know!" Axel's voice was full of worry, but I couldn't concentrate. Gideon was here. "One minute he was fine and the next he was panicking! If it amounts to anything, he was talking about you before that!"

Gideon muttered a string of curses, then suddenly, we were moving, but I had no clue where he was taking me or why. All that mattered to me was that if he was holding me, it meant that he must not hate me all that much, right?

He pulled away as if he had read my mind and took my hand instead, pulling me after him.

So maybe he did hate me then.

The rapid beat of my heart at that realization was no joke. It went out of control, and my emotions, even more so. "Gideon, please, I didn't mean for it to happen, I can't lose another person. I just can't. You don't understand—"

A door was slammed shut behind us and I realized that we were in an empty classroom. I turned my wide eyes to Gideon, having a sudden thought that he had dragged me away to privacy so he could tell me exactly how much he thought that I should stay away from him. No, no, no, no. "Gideon, I really—"

"Shh." He enveloped me in his arms out of the blue, winding me close in his strong grip. I pulled my head back to look into his eyes, "I meant what I said—"

"Harvey. Harvey." He grabbed my face with both hands, silencing me. Instinctively, I held my breath, waiting for him to tell me off and get it over with. His thumbs caressed the side of my cheeks softly instead, and he when he looked at me, it felt like he was gazing into the very depths of my soul with those silvery-grey eyes of his. "Listen to me, babe. Breathe."

My mind was an absolute mess. For some reason, I understood his simple command, but couldn't bring myself to take a moment to comply. I was stuck on the fact that he was going to break off our friendship, reeling from the uncontrollable panic at the mere thought of never seeing him smile at me again, and that didn't help me at all. "But I'm sorry—"

"Shh, shh, shh. No more talking. I'm not going anywhere." He pulled my head into his neck, bringing our chests in alignment as he hugged me tightly to him, "Just breathe, Harv. Follow my lead and breathe."

His previous words rang a bell in me, grabbing my focus. "You're . . ." I struggled to follow his instruction and breathe through my nose, still feeling like my throat was closing upon itself, ". . . not leaving?"

"No, babe." He rubbed soothing circles on my back, and even if it didn't help much, I liked having his hands on me. "I'm right here. Just relax. Close your eyes and take deep breaths."

"You're not leaving," I mumbled to myself, feeling my panic slowly subside at that. His chest rose and fell against mine, and I did my best to copy his rhythm, striving to get more air into my lungs. "He's not leaving."

"That's right. I'm here." I felt my channel relax a little. He's here, and he's not going anywhere. He's not being taken away from you, Harvey. "I'll always be here for you."

My heartbeat went haywire for a whole different reason all of sudden, but I kept that little detail to myself. It was those kinds of thoughts that had driven him away in the first place.

A few minutes of silence ticked by. I closed my eyes and inhaled his warm scent; his spicy cologne and the undertones of his minty soap, as I played his words over and over in my head. I'll always be here for you. The short hair on the base of his neck tickled my nose in a pleasant manner, and my arms possessively tightened around him.

He's not leaving.

He doesn't hate me.

I get to keep him.

"Thank you." I breathed, pulling away. As the anxiety and panic faded away, I realized just how desperate I had behaved a few moments ago. Crap, if my lack control over my libido hadn't scared him away, I was sure that episode would've. "I'm really sorry," I unhooked my arms from around his neck and tried to take a step back, "I don't know what came over me—"

"Harvey." Gideon frowned, letting me go and stepping back as well. "What was that? I've never seen you have a panic attack before. How long have you been having them?"

"That was the first one." I took in a deep, shuddery breath at the admission. There was no use in trying to hide it from him now. "I'm not sure what triggered it."

The crinkle between his jet black eyebrows deepened, and he looked into my eyes with evident concern, "I think I might have an idea."

That made me go red. "Oh, please." I faked a grin, feeling my jaw tremble and my hands shiver, my body still not over the effects of the sudden panic that had overtaken me. "Don't take anything I said seriously—"

"You really thought I was gonna leave you?"

I had no answer to that.

"I'm sorry, Harv." Gideon sighed, frustratedly running his hands through his artfully messed up hair as he looked down in an attempt to avoid my eyes. "That was really stupid of me. I didn't even stop to think what you had been through. I just . . ." He looked up, his expression tortured. "I just needed some space."

My heart rose to my throat. "Space?" I repeated, my voice high.

"Yes." He spun around, standing with his back facing me as he put more distance between us. "Just some space." He gazed at me over his shoulder, his expression contorted into something like pain. "Is that such an unreasonable request?"

"No." I swallowed, "No, it's not."

He doesn't owe you anything, Harvey.

"But," I bit my tongue, trying in vain to stop myself from saying the next words. "Can I just know . . . why?"

His back stiffened, but he remained silent.

"I mean," I went on, hoping to coax some sort of reaction out of him. "I thought things were going great between us. I thought we were friends—"

"It's not working for me, Harvey!" Gideon spun around, shocking me. "I can't be your friend anymore, okay? Just stop killing me with that."

"But, why?" The desperation in my voice couldn't be hidden despite my best efforts. "Everything was perfect. Is it because of last night? Because I'm sorry, alright? I'll make sure something like that doesn't happen again. We can stay strictly platonic. I swear. No more funny business—"

Gideon laughed all of a sudden, cutting me off. His laughter was bereft of any mirth, dry and harsh. My eyebrows pulled together as I tried to figure out why he was acting weird all of a sudden, but he paid no mind to me, laughing even more. "And that's why I need some space."

What?

"I don't get you." He was not helping me make sense of things. "You said you needed space. And I'm trying to give you that by promising not to get frisky anymore."

He smiled wryly, walking over and patting my cheek lightly like I was an insolent child. "You'll never get it, Harv." Then, he walked past me in the direction of the door, as if our conversation was over just because he had dismissed it.

I had had enough of his crypticness.

"Not so fast." I grabbed him by his bicep, swinging him around to face me by force. He looked surprised by my sudden aggression. "I'm offering you everything you want in a silver platter and you're leaving without comment. I think I deserve more than that."

His eyebrows flew up, "I think I can walk away from a conversation if I want to."

"Not when your decision affects other people, too, Gideon!" I burst out, "You can't make decisions for everyone around you!"

"Goddammit, Harvey." Gideon yanked his arm away with a sharp tug, stepping back, "Why do you wanna make everything a big deal? I'm telling you I need some fucking space. Just give me that space and move the fuck on!"

"I can't do that, okay?" I threw back, reaching the height of my frustration, "I'm sorry if you think it's unreasonable or whatever, but I need to know why before I distance myself from one of my friends!"

"And that's why I want some distance!" Gideon's hands came up, fingers opening and closing in frustration. "We both want different things!"

Silence.

Gideon's eyes widened as if he had just said something more than he had planned to. I didn't pay any mind to his reaction because I was shocked, to say the least. I couldn't believe what he was saying. "I thought—" I cleared my throat, despaired, "I thought you wanted to be friends. You were the one who asked me if we could be that, remember? And, now? You want us to, what? Go back to being—what were we, anyway? Because it sure as hell wasn't enemies. We cared about each other too much to call ourselves that."

"You don't get it, do you?" Gideon chuckled, again with that rough, humorless sound, "It's so far out of the realm of possibility for you that you can't even begin to understand why I'm saying what I am. How would you—" He smiled, wide and fake, "—when you haven't even thought of it once?" He shook his head to himself, "It's alright, Harvey. For now, let's just leave it at this."

My mind was staggering with the sheer amount missing x's in his words.

What was he even talking about? Why did he always have to speak in code? Why couldn't he ever admit what he was thinking, really!?

"What the fuck, Gideon?" I slammed my hand down on the desk to my right, exasperated beyond belief, "Why can't you just tell me what exactly is going on in that mind of yours?"

He halted near the door. "Because all I'm asking of you is some distance, Harvey. The truth, though?" He looked at me over his shoulder with a sad smile, "The truth will destroy this so-called friendship of ours."

"Could you be more dramatic?" I wanted to slam my head on the wall. For real. "You're acting like you're dying or something. This isn't a soap opera, Gideon and I can't deal with all this cryptic talk. Just get on with it and tell me why, already."

I was so tired of all this. I really couldn't think of anything that would destroy our friendship except my feelings for him.

Feelings . . .

Wait . . .

Was there a . . . teeny, tiny possibility he was feeling the same?

And if he was, was it possible that he was making a big deal out of it? Because let's face it, it really was a big deal.

"I'm sorry." He grabbed the handle of the door and swung it open, but I rushed forward and put a hand on his shoulder. "Stop."

"I told you, Harvey—"

"No, it's not that . . ." I could feel my heartbeat echoing inside my palm as I fisted my fingers in an attempt to stop the tremble of nerves that raced through me.

Just do it. Ask him.

What if he laughed at my face?

What will you lose? He's already distancing himself.

"Are you . . . " I swallowed, feeling like my tongue was numb and thick all of a sudden, "Are you, maybe, pushing me away because you want more?"

Gideon froze, his chest expanding in a breath that he didn't release. "Wh-What?" He laughed nervously, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture that was clearly overdone, "From where did you even get that absurd idea? No!"

It couldn't be . . .

I had to be seeing things because the probability of Gideon being nervous at the thought of me hitting too close to home was just too good to be true.

"Tell me, Gideon." I stepped closer, never pulling my eyes away from his. "Do you want more?"

I could see the conflict in his expression, the war waged behind those lost grey eyes. His gaze skirted away from mine uncomfortably as if he would rather be anywhere but here.

I took a final step closer, daring to raise my hand gently and trail it down his cheek, feeling goosebumps under my fingertips. "Do you?"

"Yes." He broke down, sighing. He observed his feet like they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen, his shoulders pulling back tightly as if he was bracing for something painful. "Yes. I want more." His eyes flitted up suddenly and he met my look head-on with a defiant tilt of his chin, lips pressed together in a hard line. "Happy?"

The answering smile that bloomed across my face was probably bigger than the size of Texas and New York combined. This. This is what I had dreamed of.

"Good." I cupped his cheeks, my eyes shining, "Because I do, too."

With that, I leaned forward and claimed his lips with mine.

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