Before we begin, I need you to do something. No, this isn’t some character written into existence talking to you; it’s the actual author.

I want you to feel at least a small amount of how I feel while I am writing this story. Not only when I am writing, but when I am living my everyday life.

For those of you that have depression, you know what it feels like. You know how it feels to feel something constantly, yet not know quite how to describe or explain it. Before I show you the actual story, I am going to try to get you to understand.

Of course, I have no control over what you do. So you could just scroll down and ignore this if you wanted to, and I know that. I also know that I can’t control how you feel. I can try, try, TRY, but I don’t think I’ll be able to fully make you comprehend how it feels.

Even if you do have depression, there is no saying that we feel the same way. Do you want to try to put yourself in my shoes?

I want you to hold your breath.

Are you doing that?

Every few seconds, exhale a small amount of air before inhaling the same amount.

I need you to do that until I tell you to stop, okay? If you want to give up before I give the say so, go ahead. How will I know? I am just trying to share my pain.

Continue breathing like I just told you to.

Imagine all your limbs relaxing, everything.

Allow your brain to slow, and the energy in your fingers to decrease.

I bet you feel close to sleep, don’t you?

Are you comfortable?

Do you feel unmotivated to move from your position?

Relax your facial features and take a deep, slow, breath in.

Imagine the world suddenly silencing.

You are all alone.

Sounds like heaven, right?

Breath normally now.

Doesn’t it feel good to finally feel the stress get released?

Imagine yourself walking through a hallway, but you can’t feel your feet hitting the ground.

Your arms and legs are sluggish, and you see people’s mouths moving in your direction.

You begin to have a conversation with them, yet you don’t actually feel like you are there.

You are in a dream, like you aren’t real.

How do you feel?

Do you feel calm?

Concerned?

Anxious?

Hopeless?

Depression isn’t just a constant feeling of sadness, or suicidal. Those just happen to be two symptoms. And suicide has just been associated with depression. Not all depressed people are suicidal, so please don’t act as if they are.

Depression includes feeling unmotivated, changes in sleep, changes in appetite, loss of interest, lack of focus, and even more that I can’t exactly recall right now.

Imagine feeling that sense of wanting to cry, but knowing that you physically can’t.

Imagine feeling bored and unmotivated doing the one thing you used to love doing above all else.

Imagine feeling lonely, despite the fact that you are hanging out with friends.

Imagine a voice in your head, always criticizing your every move. No, not an outside voice. Your voice.

Are you getting a bit upset? Angry? Agitated? Anxious?

If so, then good.

Imagine feeling that way all the time, even when something amazing happens.

How do you feel?

____________________

I am the girl everyone knows.

I am the girl that is friends with everyone she meets.

Everyone worries about me because they think I wear my heart and soul on my sleeve for anyone and everyone to see.

They always made sure I knew nobody would hurt me if those around me had anything to do about it.

Everyone thought they knew me.

I know I seem selfish; I feel like I am acting out of selfishness.

I have great friends, great parents. I have never been bullied. I am perfectly healthy.

I have the best life I could possibly imagine.

HAVE. See? I suppose that is true as I write this.

When you read this? It will be too late. It will be “had”.

I want to apologize to my mother, the person I fear will be impacted the most by my actions.

I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused, and the guilt I know you will have.

This is only my fault, not anyone else’s.

Some people knew me as the quiet girl who kept to herself.

Others knew me as the outgoing girl who stood up for what she believed in.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t handle the pain anymore.

I do hope you will find it in yourself to forgive me, for that is something I never could do.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong enough.

Diana’s mother called out her name.

I’m sorry I disappointed you all.

When first walking into her daughter’s room, she gasped for air.

I’m sorry for my selfishness.

Her baby girl was in her room.

I’m sorry for your pain.

She frantically dialed 911 on the phone, despite the sinking feeling in her stomach that told her what she refused to accept.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.

“NOOO!”

I’m sorry for making things worse for you.

“Ms., I’m so sorry for your loss. If there is anything we can do-”

I’m sorry I wasn’t the person I made you all believe I was.

“Where’s Diana?”

I’m sorry for the lies I told you.

“What’s going on?”

I’m not sorry for ending my pain.

“No, she wouldn’t do that.”

I’m not sorry for doing what I needed to do.

“I, is she alright?”

I’m sorry for what this world has become.

“Oh, God.”

I am sorry that I caused you all this pain, though I realize it was unnecessary.

“I just wanted to welcome you all here in celebration of the life that Diana lived.”

I’m sorry for making such a big scene.

“I was one of her closest friends,” he sighed. “I thought I knew her.”

Thank you all for sharing with me what you did.

“I was wrong.”

I won’t tell you how to feel about this.

He blinked and tried to ignore the feeling that he was going to be ill.

Let me be just a happy memory.

“She was, one of a kind.”

I’m sorry, Alex.

“She was always there for her friends.”

I’m sorry, Madyson.

“She was the kind of person who would talk me through the moments that I felt depressed.”

I’m sorry, Mathew.

“She was always smiling, and when her eyes lit up, you couldn’t help but smile too.”

I’m sorry I failed you all.

“I didn’t really know her that well, but the conversations we had will forever be in my mind.

I’m sorry I am so weak.

I’m sorry I couldn’t fight anymore.

“She was the one who would always lift anyone else up.

I’m sorry I lost.

“She was the brightest star in the night sky.”

I’m growing tired now, so I just want you to remember that I am thinking of the people in my life as I take my final breath and write my last word before taking my final bow. Thank you for everything you have done f o r       m   e ,

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.”

-Tom Leveen