Will Paquin
••• In Two •••

but in the end, i won't еscape from the sight of you
half of me is half of you now
i'll have to cut myself in two

•••••

TW: drowning, assault, acrophobia, vomit, mentions of torture, mentions of gore, panic attack

"Lloyd!"

He tumbled through the air of the drop with a faint look of weary shock. I careened forth, my feet sliding across the icy rock, as if I could do anything but watch him hit the tumultuous water with a mighty splash and sink beneath the surface. My terror made me feel as if I'd been plunged into the icy depths right beside him.

Nya shot out her arm and lifted the water to send him towards us, but she was thrown back by a gust of air so aggressive that it slammed her back against the rock wall. She slumped to the ground with a listless groan.

"Nya!" Kai and Jay yelled, but she remained still.

"I don't think so," Morro said from his ledge with a wicked smile. "Can't have a water ninja ruining our fun."

The cavern continued to rumble, shaking and dislodging rocks to rain down upon us. He caught them with his wind and turned them into tiny projectiles, and it took everything in Zane and Cole to divert them away from where Jay was tending to Nya, and where Kai and I were racing along the river.

Lloyd's head broke water with a spluttering cough that rattled in his chest. He slipped back beneath the current not a moment later, his struggling body silhouetted by the glowing rocks that surrounded him. Lightning still zapped from his skin.

At the end of the cavern, the water dropped into another fall. My fright grew so shrill that it rang in my ears.

"We have to get him out!" I cried, which was obvious, but fear made people say obvious things.

"How?" Kai asked. The sword in his grip glinted against the shine of the river beside us. "That water's too strong and he's covered in electricity! Unlike Jay and Nya, water and electricity don't actually mix!"

No, they didn't. We were at an impasse.

I raced alongside the river and drummed my brain. Think, Y/n, think! We needed Jay, but he was caught up in protecting Nya and fighting Morro, and it would take too long to retrieve him. We needed someway to subdue Lloyd's powers - but how? He was half-dead in the water already! To get into the water with him the way he was would be like signing your life away.

... signing your life away for somebody who wasn't immune to his powers.

Back during the new year's trip, we found out that his powers didn't hurt me. Lloyd could hold his green energy aloft and I could play with the wispy tendrils without getting injured. Did that extend to when he used the other elements, too?

One way to test that theory.

"No, don't-!"

I was already in the height of my dive by the time Kai shouted for me to stop.

The river hit like slamming head-first into a brick wall of freezing temperatures, and I almost found myself blinded by the chill of the water. My protesting body, already having dealt with extreme coldness not twenty-four hours prior, seized with complaint, and I felt myself sink with the shock of it. The zaps of the lightning felt like nothing more than fuzzy static.

An insistent yank on my gut drove my legs back into working order. I broke the surface with a gasp and a curse not meant for a respectable God's tomb. The waves splashed my face and made me splutter and spit as I tried to look for Lloyd.

There! A little way down; the glint of gold of his hair caught my eye. I kicked myself forward with the surging current and snagged the torn sleeve of his gi.

"Lloyd!" I pulled him up toward me and knocked myself back under the surface by the momentum. I kicked back up and coughed.

"Are you crazy?!" Kai exclaimed from where he kept pace with us. He watched in shock as I hauled Lloyd's limp head onto my shoulder, unaffected by the bolts of electricity reaching out to me. "How are you not dead?!"

I didn't have the time nor the energy to explain our little immunity-conduit thing going on. I tried to kick to the side, but Lloyd's weight and the surge of the current kept pulling us down river. Kai reached out, then flinched backwards when a large bolt of lightning zipped across the surface.

"I can't get-" Kai gave a yell of frustration before turning towards the fight happening on the other side of the tomb. "Jay! Jay!"

The crashing of the waterfall was tumbling closer. I kicked harder, but it was like trying to swim through molasses. We weren't getting anywhere like this.

  "Lloyd!" I patted his cheek, breathless with my frantic exhaustion. "Can you hear me?"

His dark lashes cracked apart. The green of his eyes were so familiar that I almost began to weep.

"I- I need you to help me out here, hero," I said through chattering teeth, and spat out more water. His weight kept dragging me down. My legs were growing tired of kicking to keep our heads in the air. "We need to get to the side."

Lloyd grunted as he kicked through the current, and between both of our efforts, we finally managed to begin inching our way across the river. His breathing was laboured and raspy, gurgling with each intake of water. The sound grated my fear into something more shrill and tragic.

"Come on!" Kai encouraged, but there was nothing more he could do to help. "Jay!"

But Jay was still stuck in his battle, and Morro wasn't giving him a chance to escape any time soon. My mouth tasted like iron. A strange stiffness started to grow at my shoulder where Lloyd's head laid, and I realised with a start that I was beginning to be cocooned in ice.

"... Y/n," Lloyd whispered my name. His efforts began to slow, and he struggled to keep his eyes open. "Go."

"What?" I spluttered out another mouthful of water. "No- no!"

He tried to push himself away, but his arms were as weak as blades of grass. He grew limp and his head lolled, and then we were sinking. My struggle to keep us above began to falter with exhaustion. The water lapped over my gasping mouth.

  No, no, no. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be where Lloyd died; in the cavern of his own grandfather's tomb that was coming down around us. He fought for too long to have it all end here. I fought too hard to fail.

The surface was growing so far away. My scream of desperation was nothing more than bubbles floating through the electrified river.

Lloyd's body drifted, caught only by my arm around his shoulders. He almost looked to be sleeping. With his hair swaying and glinting through the glowing water, he looked peaceful.

  No! It couldn't end this way. Not the boy who had barely known me but trusted me enough to keep his identity secret. Not the boy who sacrificed everything for a world that cursed his name. Not the boy who made me realise who I really was and loved me in one short summer. He was my serene moon in a sea of dull stars. He was my favourite book in a shelf of old tomes.

The scar on his chest that once almost killed him. The way he teased and sassed me while burdened by the weight of the world. He hurt too much, and he was too bright, he was too beautiful a person to go like this. It wasn't fair.

  Please, I begged. My lungs began to cramp with the lack of air, and I clung to Lloyd while my tears disappeared into the water. Please, help him.

She listened.

The water around us began to shimmer with the colour of peach fruit in the summer, and it was as if the world bent itself over to accomodate to my wishes. With one last burst of startling strength, we pushed up through the water and flung Lloyd to safety.

  Thank you. I watched his body slump onto the dry ground and I sighed in relief. My powers faded back into me, and with it came the usual pain and exhaustion. Thank you.

The roar of the waterfall was deafening. I grabbed onto the edge of the river with a grunt, but my powers were still too violent on me, and my weakened grip slipped on the icy rock each time I tried to hold on. My scrambles for my own safety became more and more desperate.

"Kai!" I called. He staggered at Lloyd's body before racing after me. The water began to shift. My nails scratched against the ice. "Kai!"

He snatched my wrist just as I began to tip over. "Got you!"

But the force of the waterfall was so strong, and the icy rock gave him nothing to anchor himself onto. He struggled to fight me for it, and my hand began to slide in his grip. I grew breathless with horror. The gaping chasm yawned below. I don't want to die.

"Don't let go!" I begged.

"I won't!" Kai grunted, but his feet were skidding, and my fingertips were slipping through his palms. He looked over his shoulder. "Help!"

I closed my eyes with a sob. At least Lloyd would be okay, but I wouldn't, and I didn't realise how much I didn't want to die until death was dragging me from Kai's grip. I wanted my future, I wanted my life with Lloyd. I'd even take all the stupid prophecies if it meant I could stay with him.

Kai shouted when I slipped free, and my heart tore through my chest as I fell. My cry was short-lived.

Another hand kept me from falling.

Pulse racing and body dangling, I opened my eyes to see Lloyd holding onto the ledge with one hand and my wrist with the other. Electricity still danced across him. The cavern rumbled louder. He stared down at me with a determined grit of his teeth.

"You're not going anywhere," Lloyd promised, and yanked me up and over the cliff.

My shoulder hit the ground with a stunned gasp and I rolled to a stop on my back. I stared at the ceiling as I tried to regain my breath, my body weak and trembling. Lloyd dragged himself onto the ledge and fell to the rock beside me with heaving breaths. His skin steamed and sparked.

"Jesus." Kai bent with his hands on his knees. "That was too close."

My gaze turned to Lloyd with shock. His chest heaved with the effort to calm his exertion, and sweat and river water beaded on his wet, drawn face. He looked like a painting, he didn't look real, like he was nothing more than a mirage or a desperate fever dream.

Lloyd's exhausted eyes turned up to mine. "Hi," he murmured.

"Hey, hero." My voice broke halfway through.

He looked like he wanted to say more, but he also looked like he was on the verge of fainting again. I lifted myself up on weak arms just as the Realm Crystal was plucked from the abyss with an invisible hand.

Weary and disheartened, we watched it ascend over our heads and into the hand of Morro. The others who'd been battling him were practically smeared across the ground from how battered they looked, and could do nothing but watch the ghost call upon a gale to sweep him out of the cavern with the Realm Crystal and the Sword of Sanctuary. After all this, he'd gotten away.

Kai cursed and dropped his head. "We can't go after Morro like this."

I pressed a hand to my aching forehead in silent agreement. I wasn't sure if Lloyd had passed out again or was just resting, but his body continued to give off bolts of electricity and the rock beneath us had grown white with ice. It only felt a little cold against my skin.

The rest of the team staggered over to join us. They, too, looked like hell. Nya seemed woozy from the wound on the back of her head, and Kai swooped in to support his sister's weight so Jay could scoop Lloyd into his arms. Zane helped me to my feet with one arm, the other dangling at a strange angle.

"We need to get out of here," Cole said, just as he knocked away a stalactite before it could flatten us all. "This entire cavern's coming down."

There was no disagreement. We hobbled out of the tomb the way Morro went while Cole kept our small procession safe from the crumbling ceiling. There'd been a back exit all along - I was too tired to be annoyed by that.

I kept glancing at Lloyd in Jay's arms. He'd lost weight, and his hair was damp with water and clumped with sweat and grease. He looked awful. He looked half dead. And yet, still, he was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in days. I didn't know my heart could break any more than it already had.

Jay was already beginning to get covered in ice. He didn't voice the discomfort on his face.

We walked for a good amount of time, scrambling up a craggy cave path that clomb into the living world like Orpheus' ascent from the Underworld. We squinted as we finally broke into the light of the setting sun. The Bounty was drifting on the ocean's surface not far by, and the relief I felt at seeing it felt insurmountable - our safe haven was here for us.

The rumbling from deep within the cavern continued on as the exit caved in behind us. Behind my exhaustion, I lamented the loss of such a spot. I hoped we hadn't offended Uchū too much by destroying his final resting place.

Garmadon and Wu approached on their elemental dragons, and I finally got a good look at them. Lloyd's dad's was dark purple, red and black, and Wu's was white and gold. They were the perfect embodiments of their elements; destruction and creation, respectively - though I'd never seen them actually use their powers.

Garmadon's dragon nudged me for pats, and I limply scratched his muzzle. It was slightly baffling that I found this to be a breath of fresh air of normality. Since when had magic dragons asking for pats become normal to me?

Jay was just setting Lloyd to his feet when the Senseis dropped to their feet on our little outcropping of rock, and his legs shook like a newborn deer. He didn't have to hold himself for long, though, because his father swept him into a hug as soon as Jay stepped aside.

"My son," Garmadon choked.

Lloyd slumped into his father's hold with a pained look, and Garmadon only flinched a little at the bolts of lightning that pricked at him. My worry lightened at seeing them together, and even more at seeing the solace on Lloyd's face. He could finally start to recover.

But before that could begin, we had to deal with his upset powers.

"We must get back to the Bounty," Wu said from where he'd been inspecting Nya's head wound so father and son could have their moment. "Quickly, now. Onto the dragons."

Garmadon reluctantly pulled away. Zane led me forth with a hand on my back, but I resisted, glancing back at where Lloyd leant himself against the rock with gritted teeth. I didn't want to leave him so soon after just getting him back.

"Y/n, you cannot stay," Zane insisted, and my face folded with dispute. "No matter how immune you might be, we cannot risk it. Lloyd's output at this capacity is an incomprehensible expenditure of power."

I looked at Lloyd. The rock around him crumbled and cracked, and his skin still discharged smoke and sparks. Ice had blossomed beneath his feet. He'd grown sweaty and clammy again, as if he was possessed once more. I flinched at the possibility of that being the truth.

But no, he was still Lloyd, just a nuclear bomb of himself and the longer I hesitated, the longer he'd have to hold back. My agreement with Zane was reluctant.

We clambered onto the Senseis' dragons and took off back to the Bounty without Lloyd. I didn't stop staring at his shrinking figure until we landed on the deck. The dragons disappeared beneath us and we dropped to the wooden planks beneath us, but I still kept on watching him.

Lloyd held out his hands before him. The green sphere was crackling and bulging in a grotesquely wrong way. The shade of it was sickly.

"Get down," Garmadon said, and pulled me down behind a crate. He held onto my shoulders with a grip that almost hurt. "It will still reach us here."

As soon as he said it, a massive BANG and shockwave violently spun the Bounty across the surface of the ocean, and the sky went a chilling shade of green. The jets worked hard to keep us from tipping over but the ship still rocked amongst the upset waves, leaving me sprawled on the deck, woozy and stunned. My ears rang.

I was the last to recover, and by the time I was able to stand, Garmadon had already retrieved Lloyd. The world felt watery and distant as I watched him hurriedly carry his unconscious son inside while Misako helped Zane take his vitals through her tears.

I staggered to the wall and bent over. I felt nauseous, like I was going to throw up the entirety of my internal organs. After all he'd been through, he had to go and release his pent-up powers that had made him the equivalent of a bomb. Could he even pull through after all this? What if he didn't?

I stayed out on the deck for the next hour just in an attempt to regulate myself, except I only kept feeling worse and worse. I couldn't get over the sight of him, and between that and what I learnt of Simon...

The adults told me it wasn't my fault, but how could I truly believe them when I kept being the common denominator? If it weren't for me, Lloyd could've avoided all of this. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't be so hurt and broken.

I cradled my legs tight. I wished he'd never texted me that first time, and I wish that I'd never ran into him as the green ninja, and I wish that I'd just died of hypothermia in that stupid forest. None of this would've happened otherwise. Lloyd wouldn't keep getting hurt because of me if I wasn't around. I was nothing more to him than bad luck.

After I managed to cry all of my tears out, I wiped my face and retreated inside to change out of my river-wet clothes. I wandered the Bounty aimlessly until I stumbled across a few of the others.

Cole, Kai and Jay were all in the dining room, and my belly grumbled viciously at the doleful sight of them eating something Zane had quickly made. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd eaten.

"Y/n." Cole noticed me hovering in the doorway. "Have some dinner. My mum used to say that you'll always feel better with some food in you."

He gestured to the set bowl with the empty seat beside Kai. I was too weary and hungry to refuse, so I made my way over and picked at my food until my ravenous stomach drove me to eat. Cole's mother was right, I did feel a little better. It still wasn't enough.

"He hasn't had to do that for years," Jay murmured as he dolefully stirred his noodles. "How long has it been?"

"Two." Kai's answer was equally quiet. "Back at the Dark Island. It wasn't as bad as this."

I couldn't stick around just to talk more about how terrible Lloyd looked, so I cleaned my bowl and wordlessly removed myself from the room. Their gazes burnt my back as I left.

But it was a mistake to return to the kitchen to discard my bowl, because I walked in on Lloyd struggling to keep rice down while Misako held him up. Zane dutifully took the bowl from my frozen hands and returned to the second sink. The pungent stink of a tea wafting from the kettle Wu was brewing almost masked the smell of vomit.

Lloyd peeked up his bloodshot eyes at my aghast self, and I viscerally felt my body sicken beneath his weak look. Your fault, my mind accused. He's like this because of you.

Garmadon rolled a new bandage around where the arrow had struck his shoulder. "Now's not a great time, Y/n," he said.

I wasn't sure if he'd said that because it was the truth or because he'd seen the emotions as clear as day on my face. Like the coward I'd reverted back into being, I took the opportunity to flee and did so swiftly.

Your fault, your fault, your fault. They'd said it wasn't, but how could it not be? No matter intentions I still held a momentous part of the blame. If Axon hadn't messed with my memories, he wouldn't have gotten close to Lloyd and figured out that he was the green ninja. If I'd had a better grasp on my powers, embraced them instead of shunning them, I might've understood the warning it'd so desperately tried to communicate to me.

I retreated to my room - my one, not Lloyd's - and shut the door in a useless attempt to keep all of my agonising thoughts out there. But it didn't work, because that wasn't how these kinds of things worked, so I stood in the centre of the room and buried my face into my hands so I didn't have to see it waver and spin around me. Everything I'd tried so hard to be kind to myself about fell like Rome.

A knock on the door pulled me to look up and found Wu. He wordlessly rested his staff against the wall and crossed over to bring me into a hug, and I broke down beneath the weight of all that'd happened over the past few days.

It was all so awful. The feeling of Lloyd being possessed, Morro's cruelty, learning about what Axon did to my memories, having to watch Lloyd fade away more and more each time we saw him, and the both of us almost dying in the tomb's river. Morro had peeled back each layer of Lloyd until this was all that remained - broken, weakened, and akin to a walking corpse.

It was torture. He'd been tortured. The suffocating guilt of knowing I could've done more to avoid this for him was torture, too. How could I have failed over and over again so monumentally? How could I have failed Lloyd?

I cried out the tears I thought I'd run out of into the front of Wu's gi. He let me weep, saying nothing but stroking my hair. His hug felt like my dad's.

After I sobbed myself dry for the umpteenth time, I pulled away and wiped my face with a mumbled apology. I couldn't look him in the eye. He'd just repeat that it wasn't my fault, and I'd believe him until I'd see Lloyd again, and then the clarity of my inaction would strike me once more. It'd be easier if they all hated me. It was what I deserved.

"We agreed that Lloyd needs somebody to keep an eye on him tonight," Wu said when I'd wrangled my laboured sobs back into something manageable. "He asked for you."

I shook my head. "I can't see him."

"You cannot avoid him, either."

He was right, but I didn't want to admit that aloud. I wiped my eyes with a sniffle.

"To have a healthy relationship you must be able to communicate, even if you are scared." Wu's gaze softened when I weepingly glanced up at him. "He wants your company. He loves you very much."

I love him, too. That's why it hurt so much to see him the way he was.

But wouldn't it hurt him more to refuse to see him? the reasonable part of my brain whispered to me. It was right - how could I hurt him more than I already had?

I hesitantly accepted Wu's offer and forced myself to Lloyd's door. My body still harboured the chill from the river, and I shook with a combination of fear and the cold. I stared at the door handle as if suspicious it would come to life and accuse me of even more crimes. It was harder than it should've been to take it.

When I entered Lloyd's room, he'd showered and changed and looked marginally better. He sat in his bed with his eyes closed, a mountain of blankets upon him, and a tin bowl at the floor like a long-term hospital patient. The deep bags under his eyes and the flannel over his forehead didn't help the comparison. He had a new bandage over his shoulder.

Misako was at his side, adjusting a blanket to sit flat over his chest. She heard me enter and looked up with a smile that didn't quite ignite past the dreariness of her gaze. My one in return was much the same.

"Y/n," she whispered, and turned to approach me. She held my shoulders and worriedly assessed my face of the bruises that sat across it. "How are you feeling?"

I could only respond with a weary shrug. If I answered audibly I'd probably wake Lloyd up with my descent into tears.

Misako sensed the palpable tension blooming from me and brushed a hand across my cheek with a caring smile that almost made me start to cry anyway. She returned to her son, re-placed the cold flannel over his head, and pressed a goodnight kiss to his hairline.

She left the room with a quiet bade of good sleep my way. I wished she'd stayed.

Lloyd's eyes slid open at my approach to his bedside, and I faltered at his pinning gaze. He probably heard me hesitating outside the door for the past five minutes while his mother doted over him. What was he thinking about? Even with a drained countenance, his green stare gleamed sharp with thought.

"Did I wake you?" I nervously asked.

Lloyd shook his head. The movement was small, but still looked like it caused him great effort.

I turned my focus to the floor, and then to where his doodles still spanned across the wall from where I'd moved the bedside table. He followed my gaze.

"You found my mural," his brittle voice murmured with an attempt of humour. It fell flat instead. "Drew that when I was twelve."

"You drew me," I said disjointedly. Or, at least, the idea of me. He hadn't known what I'd looked like back then.

His stare burnt holes into the side of my head.

"I snuck into my uncle's room after I learnt about being the Green Ninja," Lloyd slowly answered. "I got to peek at our scroll before I was caught, and drew that before Neuro took my memories." He tapped the side of his head. "It's kinda coming back to me. Not the actual prophecy, though."

I guess both of our memories had been tampered with, and the thought made my stomach sink and twist and turn itself inside out all at once. How was I supposed to tell him about Axon? I couldn't even meet Lloyd's stare, let alone confess my unwilling part in his plan.

"You spelt 'extraordinarily' so wrong," I whispered instead.

Lloyd's chapped lips smirked. "Still can't spell it."

I smiled. It fell. He was trying to make me feel better, but wasn't I supposed to be the one doing that? I couldn't move my gaze from the doodles. I was stuck in my spot, still with dread, and it didn't take long for him to notice.

"Are you really avoiding me?" Lloyd asked.

My breathing hitched at the ache in his voice. Of course he heard my conversation with Wu - he probably heard me crying, too, and the thought made me want to burn with shame. He was the one who went through the worst of it, so what right did I have to cry more than him?

"Are you scared I'll hurt you again?" Lloyd quietly asked when I couldn't answer, and that snapped me out of being frozen. The sickened look on his face was somehow more awful than before. "I won't. He's not- I would never, I promise-"

"No!" I exclaimed in shock. "I'm not scared of you."

Lloyd doubtfully glanced at the bruise on my neck, and then at the poignant space between us. I knew he could hear my traitorous heart thrumming inside my chest. "What are you afraid of, then?"

I didn't want to say it, but I also didn't want Lloyd to think that I truly was afraid of him. It was a battle between my self-preservation and his feelings.

We'd been here before, back when he'd threatened Chen after thinking he'd hurt me. I wasn't afraid of him back then, either. I'd sucked it up and told him the truth. I could do that again.

"I'm scared you hate me," I mumbled.

Lloyd was silent for a second. "... why would I hate you?"

My eyes stung with a fresh round of tears. If he didn't know now, then he'd realise why he should soon. I didn't want to tell him.

"Y/n, come here." Lloyd tried again. "Sunshine, please."

I couldn't do it. I was too wrung out, too stressed and sore and scared. I was deprived of sleep and rest and it tore me thin, it had me rattled. I couldn't deal with Lloyd's disappointment on top of all of that.

"Later," I promised through a choked-up throat. I turned to the door to escape, to calm my growing panic attack. I could feel it poisoning the edges of my mind. "Not right now."

"Wait, Y/n, don't-"

I opened the door handle just as the sound of something heavy hit the floor with a thump.

When I turned back, Lloyd was halfway from the bed. His legs had given out in an attempt to keep me from fleeing, and the look in his eyes were dazed and dizzy, as if he'd stood too fast and had been hit in the back of the head at the same time. My escape attempt was abruptly abandoned.

"Lloyd!" I cried. He staggered upright, and I had to dash over and catch him before he could fall a second time. His weight slumped into my arms. "Stop it- you'll hurt yourself!"

"Don't- don't go," he gasped out, and held onto my shirt as tight as he could while his body suffered through shivers. My heart broke. "Please. Please."

"I won't," I weepingly vowed, "I won't, I promise. I'll stay. I'm sorry."

Lloyd released a shaky breath of relief. He buried his head into my shoulder while I kicked myself for making him feel even worse. Hate me or not, panic attack or none, I couldn't just leave him like that.

I guided him back into bed, tucked the blankets around him, and picked up the flannel from the duvet to place back over his forehead. He watched me with eagle eyes. I knew he'd risk falling again if I tried to leave.

I took a seat on the edge of the mattress and felt his forehead with my palm. His lashes fluttered at my touch. He lifted his hand to push his fingers through mine - another way to keep me at his side. I found myself not minding.

"You're heating up," I murmured.

"Really?" Lloyd shuddered. "I'm freezing."

I gave him a sad half-smile. "That's what fevers do, hero."

He grinned weakly at the pet name, and his red cheeks bloomed redder. He peeked his eyes open. "Y- you think you can kiss me better?"

My own face warmed, and my snort was one of both amusement and weepy relief. "I'm glad to see you still have your sense of humour."

Lloyd chuckled shallowly before breaking into a cough that rasped through his throat. My free hand reached over to the glass of water on his bedside table and carefully held it up for him to drink. He thanked me in a mumble when I placed the empty glass back.

I pushed his damp fringe from his face. "How are you feeling?"

"Do you wanna sarcastic comment or a serious one?" At my dry look, Lloyd smirked. "Like shit. But better than I was."

I smiled sympathetically. My anxiety around him was starting to soften into something more comfortable and familiar. I could handle tasks like these. "Do you want me to get you anything?"

"No. Just stay." He closed his weary eyes and inhaled, and then a small, warm smile played at his chapped lips. "My bed smells like you."

I dropped my gaze to our entwined hands. "I slept here."

"Missed me?" he teased, and I shook my head with a lighthearted scoff. I couldn't fault his coping mechanism for being wrapped in sarcasm, though, because at least he kept the mood light. It was what we needed considering the harrowing events we'd both just been through.

"I did," I answered truthfully.

Lloyd's grin turned sincere. He pulled my hand up to his mouth to kiss my knuckles. "Missed you, too."

How was he still so suave even on his sickbed? It was slightly fascinating, but also incredibly concerning. Lloyd had always been good at putting on a front and hiding his emotions, and this was no different. Just how damaged was he? Wasn't it tiring to always hide his wounds?

I guess it was tiring to hide mine, too.

"I'm sorry for freaking out on you before. I'm just- I'm scared you'll hate me because of how I fit into Morro and Axon's plans," I confessed in a murmur. "They used me to get to you."

Lloyd went silent. He waited patiently while I stared at our hands with a puzzled expression, trying to figure out how to explain the entire thing to him. It was difficult to begin with, and I struggled even just to find the next word to say, but soon I was blurting out everything through tears; Simon's true identity and how he'd messed with my head, how he was the one who summoned Morro, how I couldn't understand my ancestor's warning, and how "it's all my fault. I'm so sorry."

Lloyd didn't even give himself a moment to process my self-blame. He reached up with a trembling hand and wiped my wet cheeks dry.

"You're being silly," Lloyd soothed. He cupped my face and I leant into his touch with a shaky inhale. "None of this is your fault, sweetheart. I'm sorry you had to see the ugly side of my world so soon." He gently tugged me down until I curled into his chest. He held his arms around me. "I could never hate you, you know that, right? I wanted to give up so many times. But when I thought of you, I didn't want to give up anymore."

I closed my eyes tight. My tears dribbled onto his shirt and soaked the green cotton darker.

"You know," Lloyd softly continued, "for someone so smart, you're sometimes kind of stupid." He continued before I could feel insulted. "Do you not remember how you saved me from dying in that river? Or how you took the sword twice from Morro?" Lloyd briefly hesitated, and his face twisted into an amused grimace. "Or how you kneed us in the balls? Please, don't do that again. I'm still sore."

I giggled through a cry. "I'm so sorry."

His smile melted. "I missed your laugh." He turned my chin up so he could see my face. "And I am so proud of you."

My expression crumpled at his unwavering resolve. "Really?"

"Really," he firmly repeated. "You can't blame yourself for Simon, and I won't let you blame yourself for not understanding your ancestor, either. You're still so new to all of this." He shook his head with bafflement. "Honestly, you're more adept to this kind of stuff than I think any of us expected. Ronin was right."

I folded beneath his ardour. His reassurance was exactly what my worry needed, and he'd just stamped out my anxieties without even trying. He didn't hate me. He was proud of me. We got him back, and he was safe and recovering. I felt like I could finally breathe and each inhale was one of sweet, fresh air.

I buried my face into his shirt. Lloyd held me as tight as he could, and I almost cried again just because I could hear the steady drum of his heartbeat. His fingers ran down my back until I calmed.

"I'm sorry for crying so much," I sniffled.

Lloyd shrugged. "Don't be. Once the shock wears off, I'm sure I'll join you."

I twisted his shirt in my hand. "How..?" I trailed off, unwilling to finish my sentence. I didn't want him to relive everything so soon after getting him back.

But Lloyd was intuitive, and he answered my question, anyway. "It was scary. I don't know how to explain it, but your body being stolen from you, and being trapped in your own head?" His ministrations paused. "... not being able to stop my own hands from hurting you..? It's..." He broke off to sigh heavily. "It's like being stuck in a nightmare, except it's real, and everything that hurts everyone else is real, too. It's awful."

I held him tighter. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. No words could make any of this easier for him.

"I was terrified Morro was going to take you up on your bargain," Lloyd said quietly. "Don't you ever sacrifice yourself for me again."

  Try telling that to the parasite tug. "You know I can't promise you that."

"I know," he breathed, and he dejectedly began tracing designs on my shoulder blades again. "It was worth a shot."

I appreciated the attempt, even if it would never have worked. He meant too much to me to turn away whenever he was in trouble. I was made to protect him, just as he was made to defend me.

And Lloyd was so weak beneath me. My arms fitted around him a little tighter than they could before, and each breath in his lungs was thinner and shakier than usual, and still, he was the one to reassure me when my overtired brain went a little off its tracks. How could I not sacrifice myself to protect him when he was so good? He would've done the same for me.

I could've listened to Lloyd's heartbeat forever, or at least until I fell asleep, but I was slowly growing more and more aware of the still-cold dampness of my hair and the chill lingering in my body. That river really had been freezing.

"I need to take a shower," I said, and slipped myself from his hold to sit up. Lloyd's gaze was intensely on me once again. "Are you going to be okay?"

Lloyd nodded slowly. "Hurry back, stinky."

"Rude," I muttered. "I don't stink."

"Whatever you say, stinker."

I stood with an amused sigh and pressed a kiss to his forehead in short farewell. His stare was unwavering as he watched me leave.

I made my shower quick, impatient to warm up and scrub myself clean, eager to return to Lloyd. It was late, so I changed into the pyjamas I'd picked up from my room along the way and brushed my teeth. By the time I'd finished all that, I was well and truly dead on my feet.

When I managed to drag myself back to Lloyd's room, I found him staring at the ceiling and strangling the blankets between his white-knuckled hands. He looked as though he hadn't even moved an inch.

"Welcome back, stink face," he greeted.

I rolled my eyes. "Hi, jackass."

Lloyd cracked a grin. "Gonna jump into bed or what?"

I clambered onto the mattress beside him. We both felt a little more put together like this - clean and bundled up beneath the covers, even if Lloyd was still sweating up a storm and smelt of the tanginess of the healing tea. I reached over and flicked off the light.

The Bounty gently rocked with each swell of the ocean, and the gentle light of the unfiltered stars swept through the undrawn window. The shadows were looming and stretched out towards us, but I didn't feel so scared pressed against Lloyd's side.

We both knew this fight with Morro was far from over, but here, in this room, nothing could hurt us. Lloyd's hand unclenched around the duvet when I wiggled my fingers through his. They slotted perfectly together, shaped for each other since a gazillion years ago.

"Hey," he whispered into the shadows.

"Yeah?"

Lloyd turned his head to mine in the dark. "I love you."

It was the first time either of us had said it without the threat of Morro breathing down our necks, and my heart fluttered more wildly than when I jumped feet-first into the gloomy darkness of the tomb. Giddily, I shuffled closer and buried my face into his shoulder.

His bed smelt like him again.

"I love you, too," I whispered.