-ˋˏ ༻ ʚїɞ ༺ ˎˊ-

I didn't do it for you, I did it for me.

I didn't like how it was going for me. I wanted it to be differently for myself. So I took some responsibility for how I chose to present myself. I recognized the cycles that I was stuck in. I recognized when I didn't do right by myself. I became aware of the thoughts I had on repeat. I stepped out of the victim mentality. I began to call myself out on my own bullshit. I was done with letting myself down.

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There comes a point in many people's lives where they realize their current situation is simply unsustainable. Perhaps they've been engaging in toxic behaviors, lashing out at loved ones, friends, or making choices that leave them feeling constantly miserable and unfulfilled. The realization that this state of being is no longer acceptable can be a powerful turning point. 

When someone finally acknowledges that living in a state of perpetual anguish is not the path to happiness and health, it sparks a desire for a profound change. They recognize that the status quo is slowly eroding their well-being, and they crave a drastically different outcome - one where they feel genuinely content, at peace, and able to nurture healthy, enriching relationships. 

I knew that the changes I desired within myself were not going to come easily or quickly. It was a wish I had made upon myself, a conscious decision to transform and improve as a person. Deep down, I recognized that this was not going to be an overnight process - it would require immense dedication and perseverance over many long nights to accomplish. 

Realizing that I needed to change was an important decision for me. However, some people might try to claim that they were the reason behind my transformation, which is simply not true. I started making changes long before they could even process it. I hope they won't accuse me of lying or assert that they were the cause of my change. After all, they didn't know me before we met, which means they couldn't possibly have understood what I was doing before our interactions. 

I even communicated to them, several times, that I was in the process of changing and was striving not to be toxic. I did this while we were talking about someone and I had expressed to these people about my journey to trying to overcome my toxicity. Unfortunately, my ex-friends tend to overreact and misconstrue situations, often resorting to making false claims, writing expose books, harassing, calling people degrading names, and mocking, among other things to either me or anyone else they don't like or don't agree with anymore.

I just want to make sure they don't try to use this book against me or create their own narratives, claiming I caused them problems when, in reality, they harmed me more than I ever harmed them. This realization made me aware that I was reverting to my old toxic habits because these ex-friends exhibit toxic behaviors themselves. Which prompted me to change my ways again because I never wanted to go back to my old ways. I never wanted to go after people, to talk badly about those I didn't care for, to make expose books or help make expose books or even Google docs. I didn't want the responsibility anymore to getting screenshots, housing them on my devices waiting to use them to bring down another person or to use against them. This behavior is so damaging to not only the person involved, but to the person who's even doing it. It's a damaging mindset to have. It poisons the brain into thinking that this behavior is justifiable and was the "right" choice, when in reality it's not.

That type of mindset, over time, will make the person think it's the only logical behavior to do and to display. No, it's not. There is no reason at all to belittle, expose, to go after, to harass, to call people names, nothing ever could justify doing any of this to another human being. Doesn't matter what they did, have done, or who they are. That type of behavior makes you just as bad as the person who is being called out and exposed for whatever they did.

However, they may not see their actions as toxic or believe that what they're doing is "spreading awareness." But where is the line between raising awareness and just plain toxicity? There are boundaries that I believe these individuals frequently cross. They justify their damaging behavior by claiming it's for "spreading awareness" or "bringing justice to the victims." In reality, it achieves neither. It doesn't provide closure; victims are still targeted or they leave the platforms they once felt at home in. How does that bring justice if they are fleeing the very space they used to call their own?

I believe that people who involve themselves in situations that do not concern them only make things worse for those originally involved. These individuals often thrive off drama, seeking a sense of power, control, and even authority. As a result, they quickly gain popularity, but for all the wrong reasons. I've experienced this myself far too many times. 

I can assure you that this type of behavior is not sustainable. If you continue down this toxic path, you will ultimately lose everything. You will find that more people are actively trying to bring you down, you will accumulate more enemies than friends, and you will often feel trapped and lost. This can lead to lashing out, resulting in others unfollowing you in numbers. It's simply not worth going down that rabbit hole. 

I've noticed that my ex-friends are beginning to tread this same path. One person, who has talked about me the most and even created a Google Doc about me, ended up losing their primary account and is now starting over. If they had chosen to block me or talk things out, they wouldn't have needed to create that Google Doc or the five expose books written about me. If they had acted like true adults, they would still have their account and wouldn't be starting from scratch. 

Through their toxic and immature behavior, they sacrificed their own stability while engaging in drama. As for me, I am committed to making changes to break free from this toxic cycle. I want to demonstrate that I can grow, be mature, and start acting my age. Something that these adults could take a page out of my own book and use to better themselves as well.

The path ahead, for me at least, would be challenging, paved with great setbacks that tested my resolve. Yet, I was undeterred. This need to better myself, to shed old habits and grow into a more refined, admirable version of myself, had become an all-consuming drive. I was determined to see it through, no matter how gradual the progress or how tempting it might be to give up. Each small step forward, each modest improvement, would fuel my motivation to keep pushing onward. I knew that true, lasting change was never easy, but I was committed to doing the difficult work required. This was a journey I had chosen for myself, and I would see it through to the end, one step and one long night at a time until I emerged as the person I knew I could become.

The drive to cultivate a life that is joyful rather than agonizing becomes a motivating force, overpowering the inertia that had previously kept me trapped in unhealthy patterns. And this was why I was so eager to make changes within my life and my behavior. 

I am now primed and eager to do the difficult work of self-reflection, accountability, and growth because the alternative - continuing down a path of misery - has become unacceptable. It's a powerful shift, where someone decides they deserve far better than the bleak circumstances they've grown accustomed to, and they're willing to put in the effort required to manifest a brighter, more fulfilling future for themselves.

I was determined to live a life true to myself, I recognized the need to break free from the toxic mindset that had been weighing me down. It was a realization that I deserved the same happiness and fulfillment as everyone else, a revelation that sparked a transformative journey inward. However, I knew this path would not be an easy one, as the toxicity had become deeply ingrained, a corrosive force that had built up around me over time. Creating a wall between kindness, love, understanding, and careness. The only thing that was displayed was the toxicity that was created within me. Taking control over my senses, my ability to reason, to solve conflicts, and to be calm when someone was upset.

This toxicity had rendered me incapable of truly experiencing joy or satisfaction, tainting even the most mundane aspects of my life. It was a vicious cycle – the more I wallowed in negativity, the harder it became to focus on the positive, meaningful connections with others. 

I found myself increasingly drawn into the drama and gossip that only served to perpetuate my toxic mindset, a seemingly endless spiral that left me feeling trapped and hopeless. But through sheer determination and a steadfast commitment to my own well-being, I resolved to break free from this self-imposed prison, to reclaim my right to a life lived to the fullest. 

It would not be an easy task, requiring immense introspection, discipline, and the willingness to confront my deepest insecurities. Insecurities I had to acknowledge that were there and needed to be confront too along with the toxic behavior. 

Yet, I knew that only by shedding the toxic layers that had encased around my spirit could I truly begin to embrace the happiness and fulfillment that I so deeply deserved.

And with that, came the decision to change.

Change is often a difficult yet necessary step in one's journey towards a more fulfilling life. For me in this case, the desire to make changes stemmed from a deep-seated need for something different - a yearning to break free from the constraints of my current circumstances and forge a new path forward. 

This realization that I was existing in was no longer serving for me, or allowing me to truly thrive. It was likely a more pivotal moment of clarity, than a realization. It represented an acknowledgment that the status quo was holding me back from becoming the best, most authentic version of myself. And so, with courage and determination, I decided to implement those changes, knowing that it would require effort and a willingness to step outside my comfort zone. 

But the driving force was a profound conviction that this was the only way I could truly live the better life I envisioned for myself - one filled with greater purpose, happiness, and alignment with my core values. It was not an easy choice, but it was a necessary one, born from an unwavering commitment to personal growth and self-actualization. Through this transformative process, I would have the opportunity to shed old patterns, explore new possibilities, and ultimately emerge as a more empowered, fulfilled version of myself - free to fully embrace the life I was meant to live.