-ˋˏ ༻ ʚїɞ ༺ ˎˊ-

I didn't do it for you, I did it for me.

I didn't like how it was going for me. I wanted it to be differently for myself. So I took some responsibility for how I chose to present myself. I recognized the cycles that I was stuck in. I recognized when I didn't do right by myself. I became aware of the thoughts I had on repeat. I stepped out of the victim mentality. I began to call myself out on my own bullshit. I was done with letting myself down. 

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Changing myself is a deep personal journey, one that must be undertaken not for the sake of others, but for the sake of strictly for only myself. It's a profound realization that true growth and transformation can only occur when the desire to evolve and improve burns brightly from the core of one's being. Far too often, people find themselves trapped in cycles of behavior or mindsets that no longer serve them, simply because they feel pressured to the expectations of friends, family, or even society. 

At times, I have felt that way. When I started to change my behavior and take accountability for my actions, it wasn't because of the people who have hurt me that made me want to change. I was already trying to change before I met those people I had mistakenly let into my life, which had caused me to have setbacks and pre-long my need to overcome my demons.

In other words they helped me to get back into my old ways, my old bad habits, and my old toxic self because these people are toxic themselves. But to them, they would think that they were the causes of me trying to "suddenly" change. Which is undoubtedly untrue because I have informed these people in the beginning how I was trying to overcome being a toxic individual. So I was already trying to make these changes with myself way before I met these people, and while I was talking to these people, I have informed them I was on the path of trying to improve as a person.

So I was already working on improving myself because I needed it more than anything. If I didn't make this change, nothing would get better for myself and I would be stuck in a never ending cycle.

But the most meaningful, lasting changes happen when an individual takes an unflinching look at themselves, identifies the areas that need work, and commits to the challenging, but rewarding process of bettering themselves. It's not about changing to impress or please someone else - it's about shedding the inauthentic layers and becoming the truest, most realized version of myself. This kind of transformative growth requires immense courage, discipline, and self-reflection, but the payoff is immeasurable. By changing for myself, rather than for others, I could cultivate a profound sense of self-worth, autonomy, and purpose that radiates outward and inspires those around me. Ultimately, the most meaningful personal growth is an inside job, a sacred journey of self-discovery an evolution that cannot be motivated by external forces, but must be passionately undertaken from within.

I'm not here to live for others or have others control me. I am not here for people to try and say "Oh I'm the reason their changing." No one takes credit or is taking credit for my personal growth. The only person who is in charge of me and is taking credit for me, is myself. No one else has the authority or the power to try to say otherwise because at the end of the day it isn't true and saying you "controlled" someone is the very definition of being defined as a manipulator. And that's not a very welcoming title or label to have on yourself or to be bragging about.

I'm just trying to live life to the best of my ability. I'm trying to do what I can for the limited amount of time I have on this Earth. I do not intend to hurt anyone or to make people feel iffy within vicinity of me. It's this journey I'm on in trying to find peace with my demons, turning them into something pure and good.

But I cannot do it if there are people who actively try to tear me down or paint everything I do as a lie or "a sudden suspicious change in behavior" otherwise known as a "cover up" to who I used to be.

No one, online, knows me better than me. No one can sit there and justify in knowing everything about me when they don't even live within the same state as me or ever met me in person. Let alone walked a mile in my own shoes to even be trying to have the audacity to say "I know them. I know what their like."

You only know, what I want you to know. Unfortunately I never had the best experience being online either. So it's a learning process for me. I'm learning the best way to not overreact to comments, to not post out-of-pocket messages, and to not be bent over my computer screen trying to expose a person I don't really know other than what they displayed online to me. 

To me it's baffling how someone can justify "knowing" someone when they barely known them outside the online world or have never even seen the person's face before. 

I just want to live my life in peace. Without petty people trying to justify everything about me. Just face it, you don't know me. So what? Move on, get a life, worry about your own self rather than some stranger online. I'm just trying to live my own life. Living life on my own terms. Living life is a deeply empowering and liberating experience. Too often, we can find ourselves trapped in a cycle of constantly striving to meet the expectations and demands of others - whether it's family, friends, coworkers, or society at large. But truly embracing the freedom to forge my own path, to make choices that align with my authentic self rather than external pressures, is a profoundly transformative way of being true with myself. 

And that's all I want for myself. I don't need this pressure of others trying to get me to listen to them just so THEY can be happy. Their not the boss of me and what I do. If I want to choose to stay on Wattpad, to have more than one account, to change my account(s), and write books detailing my experiences of being a Therian, I should have the freedom to do that.

I shouldn't have people trying to control what I do and try and sit there and "justify" my actions as me "lying" to my audience or trying to act like my audience is "stupid" and "did she think we really wouldn't notice?"

My reasons are my reasons and no one else needs to try and say otherwise. And matter of fact, I don't need to explain myself or even give out an explanation. I don't owe anyone that. When I start to refuse to simply go along with what others want me to do, and instead dare to boldly pursue my own passions, priorities, and vision life through my eyes, it's incredibly freeing. I no longer have to waste precious time and energy attempting to please everyone around me or worrying about what they think I "should" be doing. Instead, I can focus wholeheartedly on honoring my inner voice, exploring my deepest interests and values, and creating a life that feels truly meaningful and satisfying to me as an individual. 

It's not always easy to march to the beat of my own drum, to swim against the cultural current, but the sense of clarity, purpose, and self-possession that comes from doing so is invaluable. When you live life on your own terms, unencumbered by the agendas of others, you unlock a profound sense of authenticity, autonomy, and personal fulfillment. Something that I have been understanding more and more, and have been living ever since I have stopped living for others and stopped people from forcing me to do things so they can be "fulfilled" they got me to do something.

It's truly disheartening how some individuals will go to great lengths, resorting to any means necessary, in an attempt to coerce others into doing their bidding. The lengths to which these manipulative people will go are often sickening, as they seem to derive a twisted sense of pleasure and power from exerting control over others. Whether it's emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, or outright threats, these control-hungry individuals will stop at nothing to bend people to their will, all in a pathetic effort to compensate for their deep-seated insecurities and lack of self-worth. 

The sheer audacity of their actions is staggering, as they shamelessly trample over personal boundaries and disregard the autonomy and well-being of their victims, driven solely by an insatiable need to feel dominant and in charge. It's a disturbing and all-too-common phenomenon that speaks to the darker aspects of human nature, where a select few find gratification in diminishing the spirits of others rather than empowering them. Ultimately, this toxic dynamic reveals the sad reality that some people will do anything to maintain a false sense of control, even at the expense of destroying the lives of those around them.

With that being said, I believe to some degree, that some people have tried to control me, to feel as if they are a higher authority of me. Trying to get me to either react, to respond, to try and change my thinking, try to passive-aggressively tell me what to do, try and tell me off...etc to get me to most likely leave this app. So these people could have a sense of "peace" even though I didn't really do anything to these people. Their just making up excuses for themselves to have someone to complain about. As they need to constantly make everyone else's lives miserable because they are not happy with themselves.

It's a sad reality we live in. That some people just hurt others to feel better about themselves or the situations they are in.

But those that end up being targets, we don't deserve to be treated like that. We don't deserve to be degraded, put down, bullied, picked on, or laughed at just so one miserable life can feel a sense of false happiness. 

This led me to realize that I didn't appreciate anything going well for me, whether in my past, present, or even future. I needed to take a long, honest look at myself in the mirror, evaluate my behavior, and recognize how unhealthy it had become. I wanted to make a change, but I also didn't want people trying to dictate how I should live my life just because they don't like me, disagree with certain aspects of who I am, or simply don't care for me anymore. 

I choose how to move forward and confront my demons—the remnants of my former self. I don't need others telling me how to navigate my life or suggesting I leave this app simply because they struggle to see me thrive in my new identity. 

If someone genuinely wants to change their ways and behavior, it can happen. However, just because others are upset that I can change doesn't give them the right to try to push me away from this platform out of jealousy or envy for my accomplishments. It's not right to adopt such a toxic and damaging mindset. Otherwise, you risk becoming envious of everyone around you.

But in the end, it is my life. I choose the way I want to heal from my demons. I don't need cheerleaders on the sidelines telling me what to do, how to heal, or to leave a place where I love to write my works.

The people that don't like me, just need to grow up, stick to themselves, and ignore my very existence. They don't need to be evaluating my every movement, rolling out the red carpet for me, or talking with their mouth full about my name. It's not a good look on someone who can't seem to let the past go. I'm moving on, whether they like it or not. I'm going to change for the betterment of myself, whether they like it or not. I'm going to keep ignoring their loud pathetic taunts and lies about me, whether they like it or not. In the end, I'm the one who's in control of myself, not the other way around.