a/n: the scene at the playground is here :') when i wrote it, i realized that a lot of the things nari said resonated with me. let me know your thoughts!

stay safe, and happy reading ❤️

with love,

krissy

___

PRESENT DAY

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

"ARE YOU SICK?"

I look up as Seungho slips off his shoes and tosses his backpack aside. A rerun of Reply 1988 plays quietly as I hunch crosslegged over my computer on the couch, a beer in hand. I've almost distracted myself completely from what happened with Minseok at the joint company lunch today.

"Why?" I ask. "Did you hear something?"

A plastic bag clunks in front of me. Seungho is frowning. "Apparently you have the stomach flu."

I blink. "Who told you that?"

"Ryu Jihoon." He points at the bag. "I bumped into him outside the building and he said to give this to you."

"What?"

He wrinkles his nose as he peers inside. "Look at all that medicine. What, are you actually sick?" He glances dumbly at the beer in my hand. "Or did my sister, Yoo Nari, actually take a day off?"

I dig through the bag. Painkillers. Electrolyte water. Heat packs. A load of my favorite snacks—flavored almonds, fat sausages, baked eggs. I stare up at him. "He gave this to you?"

"You're not actually sick, are you?" He squints his eyes pitifully at me. "I knew it," he mumbles, collapsing curiously beside me. "What happened? Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been crying?"

"Why are you questioning me?" I mutter, poking through the bag again. "You're just like eomma."

My phone buzzes.

Ryu Jihoon

I heard some rumors at the office. Junhee said you're out sick, so I gave some stuff to your brother.

A pause. Then:

Ryu Jihoon

Are you okay?

Seungho tips forward, brows rising...

"Yah," I protest, jabbing him back with a foot. "Stop snooping."

He glances at me warily. "Are you guys going out?"

"What? No."

"Well, is it one-sided?"

My cheeks flare up. "I said I liked him in primary school—primary school, you id—"

"No, for him," he protests, pointing. "Isn't that a lot of effort for someone to go to?"

I laugh. "What do you mean? The store's across the street—"

"I don't think that's from the store," points out Seungho. "Look at the bag. Isn't that the one near your office?"

"Huh?" I reach for the bag. "Is it?"

"I mean—" He stops, gears working. "He said he was just stopping by the apartment because he had a break, but when I asked why he wasn't coming up with me, he said he had to go back to the office to finish some work."

Guilt settles in my chest as I stare at the logo. Seungho's right. He reads my expression the same moment I realize it.

"I knew it," he mutters, then flops down beside me and picks through the snacks. "Well, can I have some? I didn't eat lunch today. Wah, what's this..."

I slip off the couch and call him. It goes through almost instantly.

Jihoon sounds breathless. "Hey."

"You didn't have to get me meds," I murmur, wandering into my room. "I'll pay you back."

He makes a reluctant sound. "Don't bother," he pushes. "Are you okay?"

"Eoh. I'm serious, Jihoon...Isn't your schedule tight? I mean, you're busy, too, so you shouldn't have come all the way..."

"Nari—"

"And about the rumors, too. What did you hear?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it, okay?" But the lightness of his voice tells me something's bothering him. "It's not anyone's business, anyway."

"Is it about Minseok?"

He doesn't answer.

"Jihoon."

A beat of hesitation passes. "It's only circulating in Dal.komm from Jung Yoora. She's my coworker, and she knows Minseok from an internship they did together. She heard all the news from her friend who was at the lunch." My mind flashes back to the woman with the smiling eyes. Choi Eunha. "Yoora was telling a few of us about it in the lounge. She sounded kind of upset about it, actually."

"Yeah? Well, she'll be happy, soon. I told him to clear it up."

Jihoon pauses. "Is he going to?"

I close my eyes. "He better."

"Hey," he pushes gently. "People might like to gossip about it, but you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. You know that, right? You're the Creative Director of Retribution's biggest release. Like, just listen to that title. Should I repeat it?"

I laugh and wince. "No."

"See? You know it. They should be listening to you."

I pull in a breath and squint ahead, trying to summon the stone cold Nari that shoved past Minseok today. "Yeah." A beat passes. Then, "Honestly, I'm not really sick. I just had to tell Woobin that so he wouldn't bash me for disappearing on that lunch."

A smile touches his voice. "I know."

"Huh?" I stare at the bag in the living room. "Then why'd you buy me all that stuff?"

"I bought the painkillers in case," he answers. "But I bought everything else because I figured you had a tough day anyway."

My heart warms. "You didn't have to."

Voices mingle in the background. "I have to go, but I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Eoh." The line clicks off.

I frown into the dark, strangely comforted.

___

WE WIND UP meeting outside our apartment to walk, maybe grab a drink. It's nearly nine, and Jihoon has just gotten off work, holding two giant skewers loaded with odeng. He's munching away on one, mouth full.

I laugh and join him on the street. "I thought you already ate."

"My boss ordered catering for us at five. I got hungry." He studies his skewer curiously for his second bite, then studies me. "How are you?"

I lift my shoulders and nod. "Fine." A giddy smile spreads across my face as I peer at his food. "You don't even like odeng. Give one to--"

He pulls out of my reach. "Get your own," he says disdainfully.

"You bought two skewers," I point out.

"Yeah. Because I'm eating two."

I roll my eyes. His gaze lingers on mine, as if meaning to ask something, but he chooses against it. We fall into step beside each other, silent. Halfway down the alley, he holds out the second odeng to me.

We follow the alley down to the main street, which takes us in a loop around our neighborhood. While silence between us has never been uncomfortable, I try in vain to gauge his thoughts, stealing glances at him in an attempt to read his face. Maybe it has to do with the rumors, or the presence of Minseok in his building, or how we had to hide in the stairway last night—but he's quiet in a way that tells me something worries him.

I peer at the second odeng and slip the last of it into my mouth. I catch sight of the trash can—but it's far, and I'm feeling lazy. As if Jihoon senses my reluctance, he shoots me a knowing look, slides the skewers carefully from my hands, and tosses them out himself.

A bright convenience store with a ramp leading to its door catches my eye. My stomach growls.

"Wait," I interrupt, poking his arm as I veer off course. "I want to buy something."

He laughs. "Did you already eat everything I bought you?"

I wrinkle my nose. "I shared it with Seungho because I was feeling generous, but he ended up eating most of it."

Jihoon makes a disappointed sound.

Inside, soft Zion T. plays in the background. The teenage girl at the cash register mutters a greeting. I head eagerly into the aisles, picking out boxed food. Kimbap. A few rice balls and cans of beer. Jihoon follows curiously, hands in his coat pockets.

I nod at the fridges, remembering the night we first met. "Yah, flavored milk. Does Junhee want any?"

He peers at them with me. "No, I restocked for him yesterday."

"Well, do you want anything? Let me pay you back."

"Mm..." He tilts his head boyishly, then smiles a little and leans on his toes toward the fridge doors. "I want the popsicle."

"Which one?"

"Melona." He watches me get it as if it's obvious. "I always get Melona."

I shudder. "I thought you would get over that."

He blinks. "What's wrong with melon?"

"Nothing. I just don't like it."

"But you used to get it all the time." He pauses, then adds, as if it's self explanatory: "It's Melona."

"I got it all the time because you liked it. Pabo..."

"Pa...bo? You're the one who—"

I wave the popsicle at him. "Watch what you say," I whisper. "I'm buying you food."

"You literally insisted on it."

"I did, huh. Should I take it back?"

He narrows his eyes stubbornly at me. 

The bicker consumes us all the way down to the empty playground a block from the apartment, where, without much thought, I sink down onto the squeaking swing, the giant bag of snacks pulling at my wrist. "Mm," prompts Jihoon, taking the bag instead. He sits on the swing beside me, eating his popsicle.

I forgot how nice this view was. I stopped to sit here the first few times I bought from the convenience store, but after that, I ran in and out as if it was mindless errand. The playground itself isn't big, and it's never crowded—we don't live in a neighborhood with a lot of families, I guess—so it's always quiet as it overlooks the main street. A thin curtain of trees separates us from dulling traffic. Glowing signs illuminate the storefronts. Coffee Bay. Godiva. Bingsoo. Kalguksoo.

The wind weaves through my hair. It smells faintly of tobacco. I wrinkle my nose and fish a can of beer out from my bag, cracking it open, then peel open a sausage package.

"To be honest, I wasn't actually taking out the trash." He glances at me. "The night Seo Minseok was at your door. "

My brows furrow as I slurp up foaming beer. "What do you mean?"

Jihoon's eyes glow with the light of distant traffic. He studies his popsicle, a flush warming his cheeks. "I mean, I was taking out the trash, but I kept stalling, hoping to bump into you at your door. That's how I found out Seo Minseok was looking for you."

My lips curl. "If you wanted to see me, why didn't you just call me?"

"I don't know. I was overthinking it."

I'm so surprised my words come out in a laugh. "Since when did you start overthinking anything about me?"

"Since I bumped into you that first night," he answers, turning his eyes on me. I've never seen so much confusion in them. "You really surprised me. I didn't even know you lived in Seoul. I didn't even know you went to SNU until Minseok mentioned it that night. I don't know anything about you, but you know everything about me. Don't you?"

I frown at him. "You know plenty about me, Jihoon, what are you talking about?"

He shakes his head. "I got caught up in the past. So much happened on my end, but for some reason I thought you were still the same Nari I knew back in Busan."

Wariness settles in me. "But I'm not."

"No," he says, then nudges me with affection when he sees the apprehension on my face. "Of course you're not. You've grown. But I didn't realize how much I missed out on until now."

I study him with a frown. "...That's not a bad thing, right?"

His gaze lingers on mine, as if he's searching for something, before turning away. "Even when I made it, it was hard. I worked an opening shift at dawn, practiced the entire day, crammed in online classes until...how late was it? Three or four? All while paying off contract debt. The only people I had in my life were my manager, Mooyoung, and a colleague who did a reality show with me. But the person who really got me through everything...was you." He smiles and shakes his head. "You know that, right? Even as time went on, even when we spent years without talking, even when I had no idea where you were, I kept thinking, Ah, Nari will have my back. This will be okay. Because Nari might be somewhere watching, taking care of her mom and Seungho, working hard, I can do my best. Like that. That's how I was. Maybe you read the news, maybe you didn't, but that's how I held onto you. In my mind, you were always by my side. That's why not knowing about you now bothers me. Because I thought, when I saw you, that we'd never separated. But we did."

For the first time a while, the memory of our last moment together flashes across my mind. How pregnant the silence was, full of things I didn't know how to say. I've repressed it for so long, terrified of the pain that comes with resurfacing a loss again.

"Well...that's just how it is," I say, brows furrowing. "Distance is inevitable. You just have to be prepared for it."

"Prepared?" asks Jihoon, eyes searching mine. "Prepared how?"

"I don't know. You set a boundary and curb how you feel. It's like a precautionary distance." I bring the beer to my lips, then pause. "Did that make sense?" I wince. "It's okay if it didn't."

"Is that what you want between us?" he presses. "A precaution?"

I pause. His gaze is gentle and steady on mine. Jihoon has a way of looking at people with this warm upturn of his eyes, as if he could wait and listen for a long, long time. After everything, after appa and Jihoon leaving and Minseok, I have this strange fear that we'll be sitting here laughing about something stupid, and then, out of nowhere, he'll vanish into thin air. What if this is all a dream, and I blink my eyes and this playground is empty? What if this is all in my head? I don't think I can bear it.

"Eoh," I say, swallowing. "I don't think I can help but take a precaution."

Jihoon remains quiet. His eyes are sad, but he doesn't look away. I don't know why saying it out loud makes me feel so terrible. It makes sense, right?

"Did you feel that way before I left Busan?" he asks.

I pause. Was it like that? Was I this afraid?

"I don't think so," I answer, tracing a finger over the rim of my can. "I think I was just hopeful. But that was a long time ago," I reason. "We were barely teenagers, and everything was so different back then. You can't really compare these kinds of things."

He nods and lowers his eyes. I wait for him to contest me on this.

But he doesn't. All he does is smile. "I guess not."