Ella - July 2018

***

It's three hours until I have to meet my parents for the dreaded appointment to set the date of my wedding.

"Morning."

I put my phone down when I hear Matt's sleepy voice beside me. I smile; reality can wait for a little longer.

"Hey, sleepyhead," I whisper, turning over and staring at him. The mess of hair from his usual heavy sleep, his dreamy eyes as he wakes up, and the slight stubble that's already started growing around his jawline and mouth. It's obvious he doesn't spend any time in the gym, but that's the way I like it. He's perfect, and for now, he is all mine. I run my finger across his marshmallow-soft lips and press a kiss into the palm of his hand. He's been my perfect little secret for three years and I wish he could become my perfect not-so-secret. His hand touches my bare arm and sends electrifying tingles all over my body as he strokes it. I listen to him sigh awake and I smile to myself.

"What time do you need to leave?" He groans as he looks at the time.

"In three hours."

"Why don't I come with you and tell them I'll be your dashing white knight instead?" he offers, a playful grin on his face. "I'm sure the infamous Webb family will allow the lowly Davenport orphan to wed into their wealthy family."

I snort. "No, I don't think they would, Matty."

"It's a nice thought. If I could, I would have by now."

"Alas, the poor Davenport orphan will have to stay lowly for now," I say with more sadness than I intend. He moves and presses a kiss on my lips. "We shouldn't have done any of this. I should prepare for the wedding."

"If you're gonna play that game, then we shouldn't have done 'this' for three years, Ells. We did 'this' because we love each other." He shrugs. "Who says we have to stop just because of some stupid marriage pact?"

"Um, the marriage vows say so?" I scoff.

"Your vows will also say that you'll love and cherish Dean until death do you part. But you don't love him, and I doubt he loves you. What's stopping you from getting the love you need elsewhere? What's stopping you from getting a divorce?"

"Matty—"

"Do you remember when I took you to our spot, on the Common with the bluebells?" he asks, and I nod. "We promised each other that no matter what happens, we'd find each other there and be together."

"Matty, that was then. This is our reality." I sigh.

"Do you remember when you stayed in my student room, that morning you told me all about how the room was blessed?"

I snigger at the memory. "Yeah, and you took the piss out of me!"

He runs a hand over my cheek. "That's because you were cute. But the point is, you told me that with me you felt safe, that you could be who you are and not live up to their standards. That's who you should be, Ells. Not who they expect you to be." Our hands thread together like strings about to be twisted into a knot. "You don't need to go through with this. Just because it's their reality doesn't mean it has to be yours. Let them set a date if they need to, but we need to fight this. I have a few ideas. Don't let the last three years of us be for nothing. I love you, more than anything."

I stare at him and watch his words settle like petals around me. All the memories, all the love... he's been my dirty, perfect little secret for three years. Now is the time for me to step up for him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Ells Bells, I promise you." He roots around in the bedside drawer, producing a small white box. His voice is gravelly with sleep, but still as smooth as ever. It's the only sound I ever want to hear. "To show you, my promise."

I take the leather box. "What is this?" I open the box and see a small, silver ring with a blue stone staring at me innocently. I smile; he must have bought it for me after I saw it in the window of the shop a few weeks ago.

"It's not much, but I know you liked it." He smiles, obviously proud of himself. "Plus, blue is your colour. The colour of bluebells because you're my Ells Bells."

"Matty, it's perfect," I exclaim. "But you didn't have to—"

"I wanted to, silly. It's a promise ring." He gestures for the box. When I hand it to him, he takes the ring out and pushes it gently onto my left middle finger. "I know you can't wear it on your ring finger, but this is the closest one, and the ring touches where it's meant to go. It's a promise, just like we said in our spot last year. No matter what happens, we'll be together. Whether that be for one moment in our spot, or forever. Even if it means we can't openly be together, or we can't get married. This is a promise that I will never give you up, that I will never desert you..."

"Of course, you got those lyrics in there!" I smirk.

"It would not be a Matt and Ells moment if it didn't include our song, now, would it?" he says with a small smile.

I stare into his saddened eyes and pull him closer to me, hesitating. He and I both know he is my weakness; he has been since we met. He brings out the worst in me when it comes to my duty, yet the best in me as a person beyond who my parents expect me to be.

We look at each other for what feels like hours but is really only seconds. My head moves to the side as if I'm back in my teens, working out my first kiss. His sad eyes read me like a book, and that's all it takes for me to kiss him and become entangled in him, wishing in a twisted way that I'd never met him because then at least neither of us would have to go through the pain of parting.

***

"Now that Ella here has finally graduated, it is time to set a date for her and Dean's wedding," Anthony announces. I wonder if anyone else heard the annoyance behind 'finally graduated' as I did? He claps his hands together like he's just won the lottery.

I've never liked him: his greying hair, his sparkling blue eyes, the way he looks like he's staring right into your soul and leeching the very morals you hold. Even as a child something about him rubbed me up the wrong way. Unfortunately, Amelia is the same, just less open about her leech-like ways. It's weird to wonder how Dean and I get on – luckily, he doesn't take too much after them.

I stare at my dad on my left, at the head of the dining room table. His distaste for my clothing choice is obvious. I know he usually wouldn't care about me wearing something that shows my chest off, but I know it makes him uncomfortable because his boss, Dean's dad, is over. Forever wanting to live up to Anthony and Amelia's... modest tastes, I know me showing even the tiniest bit of skin would make them uncomfortable. I know Amelia's already shifted in her seat uncomfortably a few times, meanwhile, Dean's placed himself strategically opposite me and from time to time I can see him staring. That's not even why I dressed like this, and I know Dean knows it.

My dad sips his whisky. It's early afternoon, so I don't understand why he needs alcohol, but as always with my dad, it's about appearances. Especially to the man who gave him his job, status, and money.

"Wedding planning is always fun," Amelia notes and I look away, stopping myself from rolling my eyes.

I twist the ring Matty bought me on my finger. The butterflies start fluttering in my stomach at the recollection of his kiss on my lips, on my cheeks, on my neck. No matter what happens, Matt and I will be together – whether that means me loosening all my morals and cheating on a husband I don't want, or whether it means I risk everything and tell these guys to fuck off. The thing about butterflies is that they change their basic structure from being a caterpillar. I've been doing that for three years now. I've been the caterpillar, it's now time for me to be the butterfly.

Matty calls me Ells Bells, it's time for me to encompass the constancy bluebells represent and fight for the man I love.

My dad would kill me if he knew I'd thought that. Let alone if I ever told them that. I'd probably be disowned.

"We were thinking of aiming for the end of September," Amelia adds, and I blanch. More like they'll be forcing it. I suppose they've had this idea in their heads for the past twenty-six years before I was even born, so I guess it's no surprise they want to crack on.

I look at Dean opposite me. He runs one of his large hands through his black hair. His jaw tightens and loosens as he catches me looking. He's clean-shaven, and though it suits him, it also makes him look a little evil. Stubble must be the thing I'm attracted to; I love it on Matt. He scratches his neck, smooth without his Adam's apple visible. He checks his watch as his next move; my gaze is making him uncomfortable.

When he's done, he looks at me, and our eyes clash for a moment. I catch him eyeing my chest and I give him a disgusted look, but he smiles anyway. I know he doesn't hate the idea of being married to me, but I could think of nothing worse. Even before I met Matty, I didn't want to marry Dean. I'm not attracted to him in the slightest and never have been. He's the man I grew up with, ran around in the garden with; playing dolls even when he didn't want to, play fighting, having my first taste of alcohol, and skipping school all happened with him.

I couldn't spend the rest of my life being married to him. When he offered to be my first kiss when I was fifteen, and panicking that I hadn't been kissed yet, I refused because it would have crossed a boundary with him that I didn't want to go near. He's like the brother I never had.

I've never even brought up that stupid bracelet he bought me for my sixteenth birthday; my memory of that year has been marred by the day after. I suppose it just shows everything: he doesn't hate the idea of this. Hell, he probably even likes the idea.

I shudder.

"End of September sounds wonderful," Mum responds.

"How about September the twentieth?" Amelia looks up from her phone.

"Sounds perfect," Dad answers, and I scoff. Every single pair of eyes fall on me. "Is everything okay, Ella?"

"Oh, just peachy." I feign a smile. I know everyone can hear the thick sarcasm in my voice, but I just don't care at this point. This is the moment I promised myself I would step up for Matty. Now is the time to fight it, for him. For me.

"Do you have something to share?" Mum asks me, her eyes trying to scream at me to be calm.

"Yes, actually, I do," I retort. Dean glares at me, but I don't know why. I also don't care. "Has anyone asked for our opinion? Because, you know, we are the ones that are being forced into this, it'd be nice to be asked if the damn date of our own wedding is okay for us."

"Ella, calm down," Dad hisses at me. I almost give him the sarcastic 'am I embarrassing you' spiel, but I think better of it. Time and place, Ella, I tell myself.

"Actually, Adrian, Ella has a point," Anthony says. "A wedding is meant to be a joyous occasion for the bride and groom, and they have both agreed to this. We should take their wants into account."

I bite my tongue. I never, ever remember agreeing to this. But in their dream world, I suppose staying quiet means I have.

"That date is fine by me," Dean says quickly. "How about you, Ells?"

"Do not call me that," I snap, narrowing my eyes.

"I apologise. Ella, is that okay with you?" Dean asks, clearly sensing the annoyance. I wonder why he's started using that? Does he know? Is he using that nickname on purpose? He never used it before my graduation.

I glance between all of them. My dad's eyes start raging, and my mum's hand drums on the table. Amelia starts looking worried and glances at her husband. Anthony is leering at me, daring me to fight him on this. Dean's eyes glare the urgency at me.

I promised Matty I would fight this. But winning a war doesn't mean you need to conquer every battle; it means you need to be clever and choose your battles. This battle is one I need to lose for the greater good.

I'm like a Spartan in the Peloponnesian War; they may have won in the end, but it was a long and gruelling war to get to the end. Somehow, I hope to win this war, but right now I can't see it. Maybe one day, like the Spartans did, I can be victorious.

"That date is fine by me," I finally answer.

"Great. That means we have exactly two months to plan this wedding!" My mum excitedly claps her hands.

This means I have two months to think of a way out of this.

***

"Ella, wait," Dean calls after me. I stop on the driveway of my parents' house and turn to him. The gravel crunches under his feet as he catches up. I twist my promise ring around my finger, calming myself down with the thought that I can get back to Matt.

"What is it?" I ask him as I look at his black and white pinstripe suit. He's obviously about to go to work. I suppose, though, that's the beauty of working for your family: Dean can do what he wants when he wants, and one day, he'll take over the company, as long as he marries me.

"I know... I know you don't want this," he announces, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not going to pretend to understand your reluctance, but maybe we can move forward and accept it. Maybe we can get through it... together?"

I take him in; confusion, upset and disappointment litter his face.

"Does no one care about what we want?" I sigh, trying my hardest not to sound like a whiny child, but probably failing.

"It's not that they don't care. Unfortunately, we don't have a choice." Dean shrugs. "I think it's time you dealt with that fact. Try to find a way to turn this into a positive. I know I have."

I fight the internal need to punch him in the face for trying to tell me what to do. He should know better than that after twenty-one years of friendship. The sour look on his face tells me he's realised the error, too.

"I'm sorry for how that sounded; we have both had five years to deal with this," he says.

"Dean, you are my friend. We've watched each other grow up, and go through puberty. We are like brother and sister, and I don't fancy marrying my brother."

He smiles. "It's cute that you think of me like that. But it is what it is, isn't it? Wow, that was too many 'is' in one sentence. But yeah, we have to do this, for our parents. If you don't want to kiss me apart from when we have to kiss the bride and all that jazz, then that's fine." He waves his hands in the air before touching my elbow and gently pushing me to the side. "If you don't want to do anything more than that, I'm happy with that."

I raise an eyebrow, going down the other path I know this arranged marriage will take. "They expect us to have kids, don't they?"

"Yeah, but there's nothing in the rule book about doing that the traditional route, so I'm sure we can figure something out. It's not a secret that I like you, Ella. I know we're friends, but I have come to see us as being in a happy marriage one day, even if it is forced on us. I always secretly hoped you'd come around to the idea. But now we both know the truth between us."

The way he says this surprises me. I have always known he doesn't see me as a little sister, I know he's attracted to me even if it's just a little bit. I wonder if I could get him on board for an open marriage, maybe one day, and then Matt won't have to be my dirty little secret. I always wondered how long it would be before the topic of children started, and I guess I'd been burying my head in the sand.

I watch something in Dean change, almost as if he's taken my words to heart. He looks down at his feet for a moment, sighs and then looks back at me with pursed lips. I keep quiet while he ponders – we both know where we stand now. I suppose we have for a long time, but until now the words remained unsaid.

"This has been our destiny since before we were conceived. If you don't think you can ever see me as more than a brother, then who am I to force you to be romantic with me? That would be cruel," he says.

"You realise that just because you've acknowledged that fact won't make me stop trying to stop this, right?" I arch another eyebrow.

"I'm fully aware. And if you really want to try, then try." He shrugs. "But, Ella, just know that this arrangement is vital in some way to them and they have it contracted. If you break that contract, I'm not sure we would want to know the consequences."

The thing about a war is that it starts for a reason, rightly or wrongly. This war started for some unknown reason between my dad and Dean's dad. But it has to end here, with Dean and me. It can end with us. Wars last for a long time, have various casualties and can devastate the world. Though this isn't a world war, this could be on a smaller scale. If I could find out the reason they're doing this, I could end it easily and keep the ripples of effect to a minimum.

"Dean, do you know why they did this to us?" I question.

"Yes, but I can't tell you, Ella."