"She is a flower,
But she isn't soft;
When her petals fall,
They hit like bullets."
-Unknown

Words hurt.

Despite growing accustomed to the insults and abuse thrown at me from the moment I existed, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Adding another scar to an already broken heart. The tears have dried up and my body has failed to produce more.

Used to crying myself to sleep, asking the Man above why I existed if my life was meaningless.

But now, the feelings of pain gave way to numbness.
Leaving no questions left to ask.

The pain is gone. My heart doesn't hurt how it used to. The stinging ache to it is now just deadened.

There's a Russian saying that Olga always used to tell me when I was younger.
"A glow stick has to break before it glows."

Now that I'm older; more mature and no longer living the false fantasy of flowers and rainbows, I know that I've been broken for years. And there's nothing about me that's glowing.

I'm not the supposed daughter of the Pakhan. I'm just useless in his eyes.
No leader. No heir. Nothing.

Instead, I waste my time doing the simple work of checking storages and what not, whilst occasionally being a freelance hitman.

Killing bastards for my own sanity.

I don't want any child or woman to grow up feeling worthless or dehumanized like I did.

They can call me whatever. But the look of freedom and liberty on a child's face makes it all worth it.

It fills the empty hole in my heart. Giving me that momentary pause of relishing the happiness seen in someone else, being able to say that, 'I am the one who caused that.'

Overall. All that this has taught me is that he doesn't give a fuck about me.

So I'm done playing nice.

To him. To Dimitri.

Hell, I'm done being nice to myself.
He can tell me to do whatever the fuck he wants, I will take it on the chin just to prove my reverence.

Because nothing could hurt me more then what I had to live through for over 19 years.

§§§§§

The built up fury coursing through my blood begins to electrify. As though setting me ablaze, my heart hammered against my chest, beckoning the empty pit in my stomach to rumble with wrath.

"You know what, just shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear another word from you anymore Dimitri. You're so fucking pretentious. And I'm sick and tired of you thinking that you're the boss of me. You ain't the Pakhan yet, so act like the lap dog you are!"

Unleashing the roaring flame tingling through my body, my voice begins to intensify.

Dimitri's twitching face falls into a frown as his brows furrow into one and his jaw tenses into a disgusted scowl.

Glints of confusion and rage shown across his dead eyes as they move frantic; examining me then looking back to the Pakhan besides him for assurance.

I could feel the Pakhan's gaze burning into me, visualizing his threatening eyes penetrating me with loathe.

My eyes fixated on Dimitri, I couldn't afford to back down now; I clutched my hands into tight balled up fists by my side as I began to stroll confidently towards the two demons.

Unwaveringly, I composed myself when realizing how close I was to the Pakhan. Not to show any signs of weakness despite his flaring presence already curling my toes in apprehension, and the twists of knots dancing within the pits of my stomach.

"Give me any damn task you want!" I gritted out.
"Nothing could be worst then having to do that stupid job in the safehouses anyways! Go on!"

"Oohhh, so now you want to complain about your job? You ungrateful bitch! Say thank you that you weren't born into a brothel!" Dimitri's voice leveled with mine as he lowered his head to face me with intimidation.

"I'll be the leader one day."  I spat out fervidly, snarling as I challenged him with my own eyes.
"Even if it means murdering you with my own hands."

The phrase rolled out of my tongue uncontrollably, immediately silencing the adrenaline running over my body as a hard hand stroked across my face.

My head turned to the side due to the sudden impact as a warm sensation began to invade my cheek. Suddenly beginning to burn and sting, I begin to comprehend what just happened.

"I don't appreciate your irreverence, devushka."

The Pakhan's blunt voice growled. His veiled accent leaking through, bristling the hairs on my skin and causing goosebumps to prick. His words reverberated straight from his lips to my core, shaking the feelings of anger into nothing.

My head slowly moved back to it's original position, suppressing the pricking pain puncturing through my cheek as my eyes trailed from Dimitri's smug look of content, to the Pakhan's firm guise.

He had an enigmatic expression as his furrowed brows began to quirk as a means for a challenge. His dull lips were pressed into a straight line as his darkened, ruthless eyes of spite watched me observantly. He bought his hand to rub his stubbled jaw as he locked his gaze onto mine, waiting patiently for something more.

I remained silenced. The prickling tears not daring to fall as I stare back at the muted greys in shock.

"Well." Dimitri clears his throat, shifting my attention back to him as my jaw clenches at the look of him trying to push back the smile in his face.

"As given, you have your two options. So I suggest you hurry up and rethink your life choices."
Dimitri begins flourishing his blazer and making his way towards the door.
"And please. Enough with the delusion of leader. It's impossible."

I didn't say anything more. I couldn't. I knew my voice would betray me, breaking half way as my eyes would silently plead and hope they wouldn't  notice the moment of weakness.

Cold grey pools shafted through me, wrapping around my neck and choking me with hurt and betrayal.

The Pakhan's intangible presence was dominating, he didn't need to say another word as his silence said all that needed to be said.

I looked into the reticent eyes of my lifelong enemy one last time before trailing back to Dimitri.

"Off you go. We have places to be and right now you're wasting our time." He gestured as he opened the office door.

"You know what?" My voice goes low and threatening, praying that it does not give Dimitri the satisfaction of breaking midway.
"You're the one wasting my time." I narrowed my eyes towards him and began to saunter my way towards the door.

With the clicking of my heels and the swaying of my hips, I was sure to keep my head up high and not allow them to think their words had any effect on me.

And just about I reached the exist, Dimitri put his arm to block my way, whispering harshly into my ear.
"Don't come back. Sestrenka* ."

* Sestrenka = sis

I turned my head to face him. A hellish grin making its way to my passive face.
"You will reap what you sow. Bradishka *
Mark my words because I will be back."

* Bradishka = little brother.

§§§§§

For as long as I can remember the Pakhan rarely spoke to me. Or anyone else for that matter, but to me especially. If it's not a scowling or report, the times we actually  did have a conversation is next to none.
He didn't have to, because honestly, there was nothing he needed to say to me.

It would always be about business between us anyways and never about anything personal.

However, when emotions are bought into converse, he would most likely have a temper.

The Pakhan was abusive. Don't even get me started on when he's drunk or on some drugs.

Us Russians are known for our intoxicating Vodka, never for keeping our composure.

His rage of fit was especially petrifying when I was younger; when I had having no filter when I spoke and not a second thought on what I just said.

The first memory of that was when I was 6 years old. I had asked Olga about my mother for the first time, and when she didn't give me an answer I saw was best suited, I took matters into my own hands and asked the Pakhan.

He was furious. Mostly because of the fact I accidentally referred him as my 'Father' and not the Pakhan.

For a little girl, rejection can be a confusing thing. I didn't understand the concept of abuse or neglect, so I did the next thing a child could do.

I ran.

And thankful so.

Because that's when I discovered the flowers growing in the backyard.

Immediately falling in love and spending my days studying them and touching them. They gave me a sense of serenity that couldn't be found anywhere else. Sinking away into a world of peace and quiet where I felt safe in my own head.

Serenading through the little girls mind as she watched, enraptured by the pretty flowers dancing in the midnight breeze, breathing in the sweet fragrance carried in the wind and smiling at the solace sight.

I smiled at the momentary period of being engulfed by the magical mirage of hope.

Until the bittersweet reality of this hellish world sinks in.

§§§§§

The moment I left the office, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. As the adrenaline began to dissolve, the harden facade crumpled and my mind began to swirl with the endless possibilities of an uncertain future.

Fucking stripping? Leaving is no way an option, but fucking stripping??
I don't know how to do that shit? And don't get me started the fucking dogs watching me.
I'll murder every single person who dares look at me.

Fuck!

"Bina?" A worried voice broke me from my broken thoughts.

I looked up to see Ruslan with his usual cigarette burning between his lips and a pack of his trusty playing cards dancing between his fingers.

"What?" I deadpanned, being sure not to showcase the fevered thoughts of distress battling inside of my mind.

"What are you doing here? You're not usually in the basement."

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes, brushing past him and making my way to the stairs.

But before I was out of reach, Ruslan latched onto my wrist to prevent me from moving.

"What's going on?" He asked in a concern tone as he shoves the cards into his pockets and removes the cigarette with his free hand. His brows were furrowed scrutinizingly as he began to inspect my face.

I forcefully pulled my wrist from his grip. I looked around at the meek workers moving around us before lowering my voice.

"Nothing. The Pakhan's bitch just pissed me off as usual." I simply stated.

Ruslan scoffed.
"Yeah? How do you think I feel? I'm his fucking second in command!" He laughs in disbelief as though his suffering could be any worse from mine.

Being my personal advisor was his own choice. Ruslan is a few years older then me, so we grew up together. He's more of the brother I've always wanted than a best friend or accomplice.

Over protective and loving. He's my eyes and ears, so nothing goes unnoticed by him.

But along with that, he's also been assigned as Dimitri's second in command when he takes over. It's mandatory.

Ruslan's father is the Pakhan's second in command too. So in some ways, you could say it's obligatory for him to take that role.

"Sucks to be you." I shrugged with fake empathy.

He rolled his eyes as he placed the cigarette back in between his lips. Then his eyes landed on my sore cheek. They begin to narrow as he took thoughtful drags of the cigarette and began blowing it in my face.

"What happened ther-"

Impulsively, I grabbed the cigarette, interjecting his question as I threw it on the floor before stamping it under my heel.

"What the fuck Bina! I had to ask Igor for that joint!"

The thing about Ruslan is that he has a very short attention span.

"Stop killing your lungs! You may not have much regard for your own life, but I need you strong and healthy." I patted him on his back.

A glint of light sparkled in his ember eyes as the corners of his mouth upturned painstakingly. He lifted his hand and placed it above where his heart would be.

"Aww, Bina.. you care!" He pouted in a childish manner.

"Ugh. Fuck you." I spat, shoving him away and beginning to walk off.

"You know you love me." He chuckled softly before taking a large step so he was besides me, playfully nudging my side with his elbow.

I rolled my eyes.
"Shut up and get me a target." I quickly changed the subject in a serious tone.

Ruslan's face falls into a frown.
"Now?"

We make our way to Ruslan's private office, which is more like a computer room for our tech wizard here. Ruslan closes the door behind us quickly after peeping his head out, looking side to side for any lurkers.

"Yes. Now search the server for any recent reports." I grab the back of the chair and pull it out, turning it and shoving Ruslan into the seat hastily as he sits down with a groan.

He then proceeds to make himself comfortable by cracking his knuckles and typing into his keyboard effortlessly using one hand.

Ruslan is the only person who knows about my extracurricular activities, you know.. the one that I get my Reaper reputation from.

He's been supportive in ways that he should by providing me with the data and locations.

Albeit, at first he was skeptical.

I was 16 when I committed my first murder.

Ruslan took me to one of his missions, despite rules that I should always stay at home.

I begged him every day until one day he listened.
I can be really persistent.

The mission, however, was in fact an ambush by a rogue gang.

Ruslan had given me a gun for safety before it went down, though I had no proper training, I was still able to give a clear headshot on one of the enemies.

Some people would get PTSD from that type of shit.
Me? I loved it.

My hands tingled from the sensation of my first gun shot, and I ached the feeling ever since.

From then, Ruslan had given me secret lessons.

Being the Pakhan's daughter, I was trained since childbirth on how to fight. Reason being I guess that they didn't want me to be a nuisance if I were one day kidnapped and held ransom for.
And so, the crucial skills of martial arts and self defense was embedded into me in case that were to ever happened.

But weapons were never exposed to me, for what reason? I don't know.
Maybe the fact that no one in the mafia world knows of the existence of the Pakhan's daughter. So chances I am to be kidnapped and held ransom is slim to none.

And now i am one of, if not, the best in the whole entire Mob at using weapons. But they don't know that.

The irony.

Unfortunately for Ruslan, he's always been a victim to my rather stubborn temper. What I say goes, and now he's at the point of his life where he just listens to me and allows me to do what I want without question.

Authors Note

Please let me know if chapters are too long and boring !!! The world building is going to take a few chapters but I really hope you enjoy!!
I want you guys to know Sabina in a more personal level!! As well as her background so you know why she is the way she is. I hope it clears a few things up and if you have questions LET ME KNOW!!!

Also those of you who rr you may notice that the plot has changed slightly!!!