some song recs: young blood - the naked
and famous, youth - glass animals, &
state of grace acoustic - taylor swift

"You're so focused it's kinda hilarious," Taehyung snorted, gaze fixing on Jeongguk as he tried not to kill them by some freak accident. Somehow they made it onto the free way, and out of sheer spite, he was trying his best to keep up and not die.

"Shut up," Jeongguk grumbled, clutching the wheel tighter than he already was. "Let me focus."

Taehyung held his hands up in defense, "Fine by me. I was gonna give you some constructive criticism."

"I don't want criticism from a guy who just fucked his girlfriend hours before," Jeongguk snapped. He anxiously looked over his shoulder when it was time to merge, and god, when he did, he swore his heart physically stopped until he got into the right lane.

"Hey! I showered. Alone. I'm sex-free right now," He argued back. "I think I'm still qualified."

"No you're not," He scowled. "Don't argue with me."

"I'm arguing with you. Insert arguing."

"I'll crash this car right now, Kim."

"Okay? Bet. Feel free to crash the car," Taehyung giggled again. Goddamnit. Maybe guys did giggle.

Guys like Taehyung at least.

"See," Taehyung said, nudging his side. "I knew you wouldn't crash the car. You like my company."

Jeongguk shrank into his seat, unsure whether he was feeling tired or annoyed at the moment. He reached over and decided to adjust the radio, trying his best to drown Taehyung's stupidity out before he would actually crash the damn car.

It worked, but the song that came up on shuffle was far from Taehyung's preferences. Eyeing him warily, prayed he wouldn't pick up his phone and read the song title. From the looks of it, he wasn't quite sure if he liked it since he was sitting still, head pressed against the window as he watched the Seoul lights blur into a hazy golden strip.

Jeongguk gulped. Screw Taehyung's inexpressive features— it complicated things. He glanced briefly over at him, chest taut and heart hammering when Taehyung caught his eye. It was a fleeting glance, but he managed to give him that oh-so familiar, crooked smirk that always made Jeongguk's own mouth twitch.

God. Was Kim Taehyung always good looking?

In the darkness of the car interior, all he could make out was a glimpse of Taehyung's grainy smirk and dark, narrowed eyes. Occasionally light would spill across his face, turning his irises into a hue of honey gold, and for a moment, he seemed unreal.

Okay don't get him wrong or anything. It was just a general question. Well. Who was he kidding: he was but intense sleep deprivation, inconsistent bursts of adrenaline, and the low quality shadows somehow made him look better. But before he could dwell on that idea, he forced the thoughts out of his mind.

"Eyes on the road Jeon."

Face burning, he whipped his attention forward to the red light that now shined a vivid green.

"I am," He tried to play it off, his fingers drumming nervously over the wheel. "I've got my eyes. On the road. Right now."

"Sure you were," Taehyung snorted. "Of all times you have the chance to stare, you choose the time where we could potentially die. As honorable as it is to die by your side, I think we should save dying for later, don't you think?"

"Shut up," He mumbled. He could feel Taehyung's eyes on him, watching him. He shifted.

"Y'know this song, Youth, is—," Taehyung started when the silence dragged on way longer than it should have. Although he wished it would've stayed quiet as Jeongguk's shoulders tensed, the knot in his chest squeezing into a tighter ball.

"—Okay but before you make fun of me," He cut him off, painfully aware of how hot his face was but part of him didn't want to hear what he was going to say just yet.

"Glass Animals are fucking amazing. You don't even have a place to judge, you country bumpkin."

"Hey, I wasn't even going to shit on the song," Taehyung defended. "It's really good. I like the chorus. The part that goes 'boy, I want to make you happy'—,"

"—That's the pre-chorus." Taehyung made a face, to which Jeongguk's lips fluttered into a tiny smile.

Part of his worry alleviated when Taehyung complimented it. He didn't know why he was stressing over something so stupid— it was just a song after all— but he'd let this thought pass. There was no use dwelling on it.

"You must love them huh?" Taehyung murmured.

"I love them. I really like this album." Jeongguk declared, the words leaving his tongue unfamiliar but it felt strangely good to admit something out loud that he didn't necessarily hate. 

"Oh? Tell me more," He hummed.

"Well," Jeongguk scratched his neck, "I listened to a lot of music when I was hospitalized, and I always found myself listening to Glass Animals. I dunno, I just really like his music. He has a calming voice, you know?"

"Yeah, I can see why you like them."

"Really?" When they stopped at another red light, he turned to look at him, only to see that Taehyung was facing straight ahead.

"Really," Taehyung repeated.

"They got this "hopefulness" to them."

"Hopefulness? How'd you get that from one song?" He let out a breathy laugh. Taehyung shrugged.

"I like to psychoanalyze things in my freetime." At that, Jeongguk rolled his eyes. "I'm kidding. But yeah, they got this "hopefullness" to their lyrics. Like this song. It's obvious that the person's the song's about has a shitty life, but there's the singer trying to tell them that it'll be okay. That everything would be okay."

Taehyung sucked in a sharp breath and added thoughtfully, "And that they'll do whatever they can to make that person with a shitty life happy."

"Wow," Jeongguk whistled. "You're one sappy bastard. I thought you weren't into romantic things."

"You're right," Taehyung laughed, though the sound came out a bit strangled. "I'm not a romantic, but I guess I tried."

"You tried," He said in disbelief, glancing over at him again to see that Taehyung was smiling at his lap.

"Do you do these things to impress people?" Jeongguk teased, feeling that familiar warmth creep up the back of his neck. Taehyung snorted.

"I already told you I'm not a romantic." Jeongguk took a doubletake. Was that shyness in Kim Taehyung's voice? He couldn't really look at him, but he couldn't ignore the little flutter on his words.

"Well, you'd do fine if you were," He decided to tease him further, testing the waters— if this was safe. If Taehyung would play it off with a smile, or get all snarky whenever something like love was mentioned.

And he did. Of course he did.

"Oh really? Well then maybe I should listen to more of their songs then to go the extra mile. Maybe I could convert to an indie music guy. Be someone's indie, alt-tiktok lover," He mused, his response not failing to make Jeongguk's stomach flood with this unfamiliar warmth.

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, fighting the smile curling at his lips, "As if you can, country bumpkin."

"Country bumpkin," Taehyung made a noise that was half a whistle, half a snort bordering on amused and unimpressed.

"That's something I've never heard before."

"You study agriculture in a dense metropolitan city and willingly love country music," He deadpanned. "I don't think there's any other way to describe you."

"Right, well, it probably doesn't help my case that I originally grew up on a farm. Oh, and I raised some cattle, too. Farmed some strawberries, sheered some sheep," He could hear the smile toying over Taehyung's words.

"Did you actually do those things?" Jeongguk asked, easing his grip over the wheel. Taehyung hummed lowly.

"I lied about the sheep," He chuckled. "I did raise some cows and farmed strawberries, though. The whole 'country bumpkin' thing, living on a farm and shit ended when my parents divorced, but it still followed me out here anyway I guess."

"It's just part of you then," He whispered. For a split second their eyes met, and Jeongguk's lips lifted into the softest of smiles.

It was only for a second, and yet, there was this mutual understanding settling between them. One that didn't words to confirm something that could be felt.

"Yeah," Taehyung was the first to look away. He mumbled into his palm, "You could say that."

Neither of them said a word for the rest of the drive, but nothing was awkward about the warm silence that huddled them close. Jeongguk's heart stuttered to an honest pitter-patter, and the nerves that danced in his limbs ebbed. It wasn't too bad once he got the hang of it, and every now and then, Taehyung would tap his elbow and murmur a hushed direction.

When they arrived at their destination, Jeongguk's brows crumpled, not at all recognizing this place. There were a few other cars parked around so it wasn't entirely sketchy, but they were definitely at the back of something.

"Where are we?" Jeongguk asked, turning off the engine.

"We're gonna watch performances," Taehyung said. "Ever heard of busking?" He nodded.

"People busk at 2 a.m.?" His nose crinkled as he followed Taehyung out of the car, locking the door behind them.

"Some do," He said, sticking his hands in his pockets. Jeongguk did the same, immediately shivering when the chilly, February breeze rustled past their huddling bodies.

"Why'd you bring me out here at 2 a.m? We could go any other time," Jeongguk said over the chatter of his teeth. He followed Taehyung down an alley and onto the main street, squinting when his eyes were immediately bombarded with bright city lights.

"Well, I didn't want to be alone tonight." Taehyung answered softly. He dragged Jeongguk to a part of the street where people were still gathered around in groups, watching dancers as blaring K-pop hits blasted from a set of speakers.

Jeongguk never witnessed busking before. It was somewhat funny, seeing that he was a Seoul local for most of his life. He was supposed to know these things, and yet, he was finally visiting Hongdae for the first time with Kim Taehyung of all people.

Don't get him wrong: it was strangely nice. And new. Nice and new were the only words he had for this experience mostly because he was running on mere exhaustion and adrenaline, which weren't exactly a good mix. Even though Jeongguk wasn't completely new to sneaking out, it surely had been a while, and his body was way different since then.

But none of that seemed to matter.

Despite his breath hitching in his throat more often than it should, his lungs aching, and his bones growing weary, it didn't seem to matter. Not when Taehyung was now holding onto the curve of his elbow, guiding him lightly, supporting him in silence.

It was like he gave him the energy, the thrill to go on, and oh how rare it was to feel that way. To even feel at like an actual person and not like some shell of something. For once, his chest wasn't frosted over or hollowed. It swelled with this unforgettable warmth, a feeling that'd be forever ingrained in his memories because of how full it made him feel.

Jeongguk swallowed, glancing at his side-profile, remembering what he thought about Taehyung in the car. He was still good-looking. Nothing about his face was sore on the eyes; he only said that the first time to make himself feel better but things were a just a bit different now. Different, in a good way.

From the neon street signs to the pale lampposts illuminating his golden features, Taehyung was unreal.

So unreal, part of him wanted to reach out and make sure that this wasn't just some cruel joke.

Make sure that the guy in front of him wasn't some illusion, and that what he felt had to be genuine, mutual even. He couldn't read his mind at all, but certainly he could make an educated guess and tell himself that Taehyung liked spending time with him enough to drag him out here.

"And? You're not alone. You have a girlfriend," He decided to say instead, keeping a considerable amount of distance between them. A safe distance.

While Kim Taehyung seemed unreal, the fact he had a girlfriend, a lover unfortunately was.

"And?" He retorted, entertaining him like he always did. "I didn't say I wanted to be alone with her."

"You literally fucked her." Jeongguk deadpanned.

"Okay, what's your obsession with me fucking my girlfriend?" Taehyung asked with a light laugh. One that was surprisingly genuine much to Jeongguk's expectations.

"You're a couple," He merely shrugged, hating how the nape of his neck stung. "Shouldn't hou be doing couple things with her?"

"What makes you think that I don't?"

That damned crooked smile again. He shook his head, neck all warm and sticky already despite it being cold. "I never said you didn't."

"Did Jimin put you up to this thinking?" He could hear the crease in his brows just by the strain in his voice. Jeongguk bit down on his lip; that wasn't good.

"He did, didn't he?" Taehyung exhaled unevenly. "It doesn't look as bad as he say it does." He admitted, stumbling over his heavy words.

"You don't have to explain this to me," Jeongguk shrugged again. He glanced over at Taehyung, chest squeezing when he noticed the older was looking the other way, a muscle in his jaw quivering.

"What?" Jeongguk asked again, this time tugging at Taehyung's sleeve. "I'm sorry, if I like, hurt you or hit a nerve." He whispered awkwardly.

"You didn't hit a nerve," Taehyung mumbled. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Jeongguk's grip on his sleeve tightened. Finally, Taehyung met his eyes, and for a moment, his breath paused as Taehyung stared down at him with his brows furrowed and his broad shoulders all tensed.

"I'm sure," He said firmly, glancing down at Jeongguk's hold on him and back at his face. Though this time, something softened in his gaze, and Jeongguk, as much as he didn't want to notice, noticed.

Cheeks flushing, he quickly averted his gaze toward the performers, watching with heavy lids as they danced freely and laughed effortlessly into the crisp, cool night. Taehyung was still staring at him, but he willed himself to focus on ahead, wondering if this was how others lived life. Happy. Worry-free. Or at least, not worried about the things he had to consider.

Jeongguk didn't really like thinking about the other possibilities he could've experienced. It was hard enough having to accept that this was his life. This was what fate decided for him to have, and there was no reversing the fact he was going to die, or that he'd never get to experience that euphoric carelessness radiating off the faces of the dancers.

Part of him was fine with it, seeing that he lived with the diagnosis for so long that it was basically half of his identity. And yet, the other part was bitter.

So bitter that it left his mouth all dry and sour. He licked his chapped lips, a pang rattling his chest as he watched groups of friends joke around, pushing at each other and laughing out loud. He dropped his hand from Taehyung's side, fingers curling to fists into his jacket pockets.

Jeongguk didn't usually have these thoughts. Never did he wish that he could be those people, but right now— oh how he wanted to be there. To be them. To stupidly feel like the world was against him and he could still lash out with a fighting chance. To feel alive. To feel like he wasn't being singled out.

It was an ugly feeling; a stomach twisting, lung-stripping sensation that left him empty all over again. He tried to pry his attention away, hating how cold he was. How that stark chill made him so tense that—

"—You're thinking hard again," Taehyung nudged his side, resurfacing him from his thoughts.

Jeongguk peered over at him, lifting a brow, "Are you still staring at me?"

"Yeah," Taehyung grinned, eyes crinkling. "You wanna share what you're thinking to the group?"

"Oh god," Jeongguk grumbled, shoving him aside as Taehyung let out a wheeze. "You sound like your brother."

"That's the point," He said. "Tell me somethin', and I'll let you know something in return."

"We're playing that game again?"

"Yep," Taehyung hummed and nudged him back. "I wanna know what you're thinking."

"Why?"

"Because I care."

"Not that again," Jeongguk rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna tell you anything. What makes you think I will?"

"I'll buy you ice cream," Taehyung jutted his chin at the adjacent shop ahead with a neon ice-cream sign on the store window. "Lemme buy you ice cream, and we can walk around some more."

"Ice cream," Jeongguk gave him a skeptic look.

He gave him a shitty thumbs up, "Ice cream." He repeated. Jeongguk scoffed. That was a stupid idea.

"No," He said, shaking his head. A smile toyed on Taehyung's lips. "We're not getting ice cream, and I'm not telling you anything. Nope."

They ended up at the ice-cream shop anyway.

Taehyung graciously paid for it, telling Jeongguk he could put his pretty little black card away. Of course, he rolled his eyes at his gentlemen attitude, knowing it's a front for a dumbass like him. But he didn't really mind it. Instead a smile replaced the usual frown on his lips, and he trailed beside him, picking out their flavors before taking a seat by the window.

"You're fucking gross. Who eats ice-cream with cherries in it. Cherries," Jeongguk pointed his blue spoon over at Taehyung with a disgusted look.

"Who doesn't like cherry jubilee?" Taehyung asked innocently as he spooned some into his mouth. "You're one to talk, rainbow sherbet."

"I just picked the first thing I saw!" He defended himself. Taehyung snorted, red spoon still in his mouth.

"So? Who in the right mind picks rainbow sherbet. It's like a clown shat in your mouth."

"No? Not at all," Jeongguk forward, elbows resting on the table. "You're weird."

"Sure I am," Taehyung winked at him. "But now, you owe this weird guy an answer. I bought ice cream. Pay me back, buttercup."

"Don't call me buttercup," He deadpanned. "I'm gonna stab you with my spoon."

Taehyung smirked frivolously at him. "Alright, cuppa' butter." Jeongguk scowled. "Tell me, now."

"Now you're just putting me on the spot."

"That's the point," Taehyung mused. "Go, tell me."

"Do I have to?" He whined. Taehyung nodded eagerly and made a dumb point of enjoying the stupid freezed dried cherry with an exaggerated moan. "God, I hate you."

"No you don't," Taehyung smacked his lips.

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, "You're gonna think it's really, really stupid." He inhaled sharply, grip tightening on his spoon as he stared down at his cup of ice cream. God, how would he word this?

"Jeon, whatever you're thinking is never stupid," Taehyung shifted forward in his seat, propping his elbow on the table and setting his chin on his palm.

"Your feelings are valid, dude. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Jeongguk looked up, breath stuck in his throat when he met Taehyung's hooded eyes. There was this honesty, this immense amount of genuine care packed in his gaze that never failed to weaken the wall he spent ages putting up.

He hated this. He always hated talking out loud and being so vulnerable because let's face it: words were hard. Very, very hard. It was tough putting them together and forcing them to fit, only for it all to crumble apart. It was frustrating, putting thoughts into words when nothing ever worked out for him.

It was enough Taehyung had to see him vomit his stomach out every morning. Telling Taehyung all his feelings would make this seem realer than it was. Make him mean more to him than he already did.

When someone began to mean something, they were no longer an irrelevant blur in his peripheral.  He'd see them, all of them, and when he had to leave, it would be their face that he would think of first. Sae. Now Taehyung.

And it sucked to care. It sucked when nothing became something, because it reminded him of how unfair things were.

It reminded him of the part of himself that genuinely wished he could stay.

But with one hefty breath, Jeongguk eventually said, "I wish I had more time."

Taehyung stiffened visibly. He watched as multiple expressions flickered over his features, brows creasing; easing. His lips twitched, falling into a frown before flattening into a thin line. Jeongguk swallowed, carefully studying his face, heart stuck in his throat. Beating. Aching.

"I wish," Jeongguk hung his head low, stirring the mess of colors in his cup, "I wish I could not care again. Seeing those people made me wish I had time."

"I don't know what to say to that," Taehyung admitted after some time. He wasn't looking at him but outside as buskers packed up their stages and drunks staggered across the street. Fair enough. He wouldn't look at himself either.

"You don't have to comfort me," He said shyly, shrinking in his posture. "I-I accepted everything. I know it's going to be over soon. It's just a stupid passing thought."

"No, it's not. It's not stupid," Taehyung said. "You're allowed to think that, Jeon. It's natural to want more time. There's only so much you could do to avoid death, and honestly, we're all living on borrowed time if you think about it."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow at him.

Taehyung hummed with a lazy, lopsided smile, "Really. Even I'm living on borrowed time. There's just never enough, no matter how hard humans try to play God and beat around the bush."

"Yeah. There's never really enough time," Jeongguk chuckled, though it sounded more like a pained cough. "I wish I could feel infinite again, y'know? Like a dumb, self-centered teenager. But I know infinity isn't possible though. I'm not that dumb."

"Right. Infinity isn't possible," Taehyung drummed his fingers over the table, voice drifting off. "But you don't have to feel infinite to have a good time."

"What do you mean by that?" He looked up, and when he caught Taehyung's gaze, the knot in his throat tightened.

"You can be nothing and still act like an idiotic, self-centered teenager who makes bad decisions."

"Nothing? What?" Jeongguk's eyebrows furrowed.

"We don't have to be something to feel infinite is what I'm trying to say Jeon," Taehyung declared, eyes twinkling beneath the shitty, fluorescent light.

"We don't have to be something when we could be nothing!"

"Stop with the philosophy shit, Kim," Jeongguk muttered, grimacing a little. "It's too early for this."

"No, I mean it." He beamed, happily shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. "Let's be nothing together!"

"I don't think that sounded the way you wanted it to," Jeongguk commented wryly. Taehyung snorted.

"Okay, party pooper," He mocked him. Jeongguk flipped him off boredly, but of course, Taehyung ignored him. "But my offer still stands. Let's go do dumb shit and be nothing together."

"That sounds like a bad tumblr metaphor for suicide," He muttered.

"Hey," Taehyung frowned, "You know, you often use humor to deflect your trauma."

"Thanks," Jeongguk ate some more ice cream.

"Never said that was good Jeon," He eyed him warily.

"What I'm hearing," He pointed his spoon at him, "is that you think I'm funny."

"Maybe sometimes, but not right now. I'm being serious," Taehyung raised his hands up in defense.

"You said you wanted to do dumb shit."

"Yeah, figuratively. Not literally. As appeasing death sounds, I like to follow the scheduled guidelines and not scare the shit out of people," Jeongguk said.

"Jeongguk." Taehyung stared at him, making him shift awkwardly beneath his intense gaze.

"Let's get tattoos."

Jeongguk nearly choked on ice cream. He blinked a few times, "You want to get what now?"

"Tattoos! I know a guy who gives 'em if you want one. Totally illegal, but it's still a good piece of ink," He mused, already sticking his hand into his pocket for the car keys.

"Are you serious about this?" He raised an eyebrow at him. Watching Taehyung get to his feet, he slid out of his own chair to join his side, ice cream cup still in his hands.

"Yeah! Let's go. Night's young. We're nothing. Let's get tattoos," Taehyung patted his back with his free hand. Jeongguk nearly stumbled from the force.

"We're really doing this," He said dumbfoundedly, feeling Taehyung's big hand settle over his lower back, pushing him forward. Wait— what was happening?

"Yes! And it's on your bucketlist. Let's go! Carry on!" Taehyung basically shoved him out the door.

"But my ice cream—," Jeongguk stammered, still unable to catch up with the sudden change of pace, the steady trickle of adrenaline beginning to filter through his body.

"Finish that in the car."

He stiffened immediately, his breath, every thought, and his own capacity to even function was stripped from him as he felt Taehyung's warm breath tickle against his ear. He gulped, feeling the light press of Taehyung's chest against the dip of his back.

"Okay," He said awkwardly, trying to block out the fact Taehyung's hand never left its place on his back.

"Good," Taehyung patted him lightly, unaware of how a simple touch set off spark of jitters upon his skin. He swallowed thickly, feeling the pressure on his lungs ease as Taehyung draped his arm around his shoulder.

"Let's get going Jeon and get those damned tattoos," He mused, squeezing his side.

"Yeah," Jeongguk blinked, the current situation still taking its sweet time to settle in. "Let's get going."

When Taehyung gave him yet another mischievous smirk, Jeongguk didn't know what to really do or say. Whether it was exhaustion or confusion, what in the world was he even signing himself up for?

sorry i had to break this up & take a while😭
it took me some time to figure out how
to do this particular scene since it's so
big and so important! i hope you guys
enjoyed their little interactions btw (: now
that i got this out, it'll be easier to keep
the rhythm going. love you guys lots ♡︎

on a side note, how's everyone doing? (: