CLOSURE

Charlotte's POV

            I am not good at cooking.

            The truth, I hated cooking. Kitchen. Everything about preparation in that area, I hated it. But, I could compromise if I wanted to fix something for someone I love. Well, I did that for Carlo before. I cooked for him for the first time. I wanted to please him. I did everything to please him but it didn't matter to him.

            Saglit akong napahinto sa ginagawa kong paghahalo sa niluluto kong pork hamonado at napangiti nang mapakla. Naalala ko na naman ang mga panahon na halos lumuhod ako at halikan ang nilalakaran ni Carlo para lang pansinin niya ako. Para lang mahalin niya ako at hindi ko maiwasan na mandiri sa sarili ko dahil sa mga ginawa ko. Those times were the lowest times of my life. I was like a slave. I let myself to be used, manipulated just to get what I wanted.

            But after all of what happened, the pain, the heartache, the reality that crumbled over me, I learned to accept it. And by accepting it, I learned to forgive myself. Slowly.

            Sabi sa facility kailangan kong patawarin ang sarili ko. Kailangan kong tanggapin na nakagawa ako ng masama sa ibang tao, at kailangan kong harapin iyon. Pagsisihan. Tanggapin na tao lang ako at nagkakamali. And, little by little with the help of someone, I am getting there. I knew, I am getting better.

            The guilt was still here. I could still feel it sometimes, but there were people who loves me. My parents. There were my friends whom I thought that I lost because I was so focused on getting Carlo for myself I didn't listen to them. I pushed them away. But now, I could feel their support to me. Their love. Their concern and it felt really good. Now I knew I am not alone.

            Napangiti pa ako nang ipagpatuloy ang paghahalo ng pagkain. Pumikit pa ako at inamoy ang mabangong aroma na lumalabas sa niluluto ko. Xander said this was his favorite dish. He said favorite niya ang recipe ng lola niya. Lagi niyang ikinukuwento sa akin kaya ang ginawa ko pa-sikreto akong tumawag sa lola niya at tinanong ko ang recipe ng ulam na 'to. Gusto nga niya akong ipakilala sa parents niya at sa lola niya ayoko lang. Lagi akong nagdi-decline sa invitation niya. I can't. I am not yet ready. Xander was too perfect and I didn't want to ruin this special relationship that we were having. Wala naman kaming label. Lagi lang siyang nandito kapag tapos na siya sa duty. He was helping me to raise Theo. He was good with kids. My son loves him. Parang mas gusto pa nga ni Theo na si Xander ang nagkakarga sa kanya. We always talk. I mean real talk over watching Netflix series, horror movies or even listening to his favorite rock album. Talking about anything. Makuwento siya at hindi nauubusan. Maraming jokes at lagi niya akong pinapatawa. A thing that I never did with Carlo. With Carlo, it was always... suffering.

            But after all of what happened, after all of what I had been through, Xander was right. I had to let go of everything and forgive myself. Because I mattered to people who loves me. I am special for them. I am a good person for them. And slowly I knew, I am getting better.

            I will get better.

            Napatingin ako sa pinto nang marinig kong may nag-buzz doon. I am sure it was Xander. Ano na naman kaya ang dala ng lalaking ito ngayon? Last time he brought me my favorite Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream. Nang mag-text siya sa akin kanina sabi niya may surprise na naman siya.

            Pinatay ko ang kalan at inalis ko ang apron na suot ko tapos ay ngiting-ngiti na binuksan ang pinto.

            Para lang makita ang isang multo ng nakaraan ko.

            Because Carlo was standing in front of me.

            Napaawang ang bibig ko at hindi ako makapagsalita. Ang tindi ng kabog ng dibdib ko. After so long of not seeing him, and now we were standing face to face, I felt my heart was skipping a beat.

            Not because I was excited to see him, but the pain and worthlessness that I felt when I was with him came back like a flood. Those times that I was begging him over and over to love me. And it was a nasty feeling. I didn't want to feel that anymore. I didn't deserve to feel that again. I am loved. People love me now. Paulit-ulit ko iyong sinasabi sa sarili ko.

            "Are you busy?" Seryosong tanong niya.

            Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Strange, he was not yelling at me. Sanay akong kapag kausap ako ni Carlo ay sinisinghalan niya lang ako at magaspang ang pakikitungo niya sa akin.

            "I-I don't want any trouble, Carlo. We are done. We are over. I-I already signed the papers and our annulment was already granted. Wala na akong-"

            Sinenyasan niya akong tumahimik at ngumiti siya ng mapakla. "Can I come in?"

            Tumango lang ako at nilakihan ko ang bukas ng pinto. Pumasok naman siya sa loob at iginala ang paningin sa mata.

            "You changed the house." Tumatango-tango pa siya. "Good. It's nice."

            Napahinga ako ng malalim. "What are you doing here?"

            Tumingin siya sa akin at tumango-tango. "I want to apologize."

            Kumunot ang noo ko. Tama ba ang naririnig kong sinasabi ni Carlo? Nag-a-apologize siya? Sa akin? Demonyo nga ang tingin niya sa akin at ako ang sumira ng buhay niya.

            "If this is god damn prank, you can leave. I am okay now. Pinagsisihan ko na ang lahat ng ginawa ko sa iyo. Sa inyo ni Amy. And I am paying that with my own emotions. With my mental-health. I had sleepless nights thinking about of what I did to you. And I truly regret everything I did. So, if you are here just to fuck with me, you can go." Tinungo ko ang pinto at binuksan iyon para makaalis na siya.

            Pero seryoso siyang nakatingin sa akin. Carlo never looked at me like this before. Like I was a human being that needed to be treated like a human being. Back then, I was nothing to him. I was dispensable at ako lang ang ipinipilit ang sarili noon sa kanya.

            "This is not a prank, Charlotte. I am sincerely apologizing of how I treated when we were married." Bahagya pa siyang tumikhim at napabuga ng hangin. "I hated you. God knows how I hated you because of what you did. Taking me away from Amy, lying to me about your pregnancy. That's fucking low blow."

            Mabilis kong pinahid ang mga luha na umagos sa mata ko nang marinig iyon. Bakit kailangan pa niyang ipaalala? Lalo lang akong nagagalit sa sarili ko.

            "But I realized, we were just been used by people. Our love were used by selfish people. Manipulated us for their gains. You were used by my mom because you were in love in love with me. I was used because I love my family. And we both suffered the consequence of that."

            Napapikit-pikit ako para mabasag ang luha na namumuo muli sa mga mata ko.

            "I knew I was an asshole. The way I treated you. You didn't deserve that. I was mad. Fucking mad at everything that happened. My life was fucked up. I mean, I was just being the good son and I tried to give everything for my family. But I guess, family would be the person who will hurt you the most."

            Patuloy ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang hinanakit ni Carlo. Sigurado akong ang mommy niya ang tinutukoy niya. Tama naman siya. Pareho lang kaming ginamit ni Sonia Santos para sa sarili nitong kapakanan.

            "I was blaming you for the fucked life that I had but in reality, it was my family to be blamed. And me. Because I let them used me." Napahinga siya ng malalim. "Pero hindi na ngayon. I stood up and I am going to start my life again." Ngumiti siya sa akin. "I know you are a good person, Charlotte. I knew you since we were young and you are sweet, loving individual and you didn't deserve whatever suffering that I gave you when we were married. I am really sorry for that." Nakita kong pinahid ni Carlo ang mga luha niya.

            Hindi ako makasagot. Sumisinok-sinok lang ako sa pagpipigil na mapahagulgol. Nakita kong napatingin siya sa crib kung saan natutulog si Theo at nilapitan niya iyon. Tiningnan ang anak ko at marahan pang hinaplos ang paa.

            "I hurt you so much but still, you are the luckiest person between the two of us. I am capable of having a child but still, I didn't have one and I don't know if I'll have one. I know you will be a good mother to this kid." Napayuko si Carlo at napailing tapos ay napasubsob sa mga kamay niya. Umaalog ang balikat niya at impit na humagulgol. "I am so sorry, Charlotte. I am fucking sorry."

            I didn't know what happened, but I felt something lifted on my chest. All the worries that I felt the past months, it was magically taken away. I tried to look for the feelings that I had for Carlo. I was totally in love with him back then, but seeing him right now, I didn't feel anything for him anymore. It was just the guilt and pity for him. I was looking at him and he was just someone that I used to know.

            Hinawakan ko ang balikat niya at nag-angat siya ng mukha tapos ay tumingin sa akin.

            "It's okay. I am so sorry too. We both hurt each other and I guess, this is just what we need. Forgiving each other and closure for the two of us." Nakangiting sabi ko sa kanya. And for the first time, I was smiling genuinely. I was feeling happy.

            Tumango siya at pinahid ang mga luha sa mukha tapos ay bumuga-buga ng hangin. Pareho kaming napatingin sa pinto at nakita kong nakatayo doon si Xander. May bitbit siyang bulaklak at seryoso lang na nakatingin sa amin ni Carlo.

            He cleared his throat and gave me a faint smile. And jealousy and pain was written all over his face. Oh my God. Baka ang iniisip niya magkakabalikan na kami ni Carlo.

            "May bisita ka pala. I can go back." Pilit na pilit ang ngiti niya at akmang tatalikod na pero mabilis ko siyang hinabol at pilit na pinapasok sa loob.

            "Dumaan lang naman siya." Itinuro ko pa si Carlo at ngumiti rin kay Xander. "We just talked about something."

            Halata pa rin na hindi maganda ang timpla ni Xander pero hindi kumikibo. Inilahad ni Carlo ang kamay sa harap nito. "Nice to meet you."

            Tiningnan iyon ni Xander pero matagal bago kinuha at nakipag-kamay.

            "Look, I don't want to be a hindrance between the two of you. Charlotte, if you have plans of getting back-"

            "What? What getting back? With Carlo?" Paniniguro ko at tumingin ako kay Carlo at maging ito ay naguluhan sa narinig.

            "Oh, no. No. You got the wrong idea. I am definitely going. Dumaan lang talaga ako. It's so good to meet you, Xander. You make her happy a thing I cannot give to her." Nakangiting sabi ni Carlo at tinungo na nito ang pinto at kumaway sa akin bago tuluyang umalis. Isinara ko ang pinto at hinarap si Xander.

            "What the hell are you saying? Getting back? Oh my God!" Naiiling na sabi ko.

            "Huwag na tayong maglokohan, Charlotte. Alam kong panakip-butas lang ako. Tanggap ko naman iyon. Pero sana-"

            "Panakip-butas? Kailan pa? Saka bakit ka magiging panakip-butas, ikaw ang boyfriend ko."

            Napaawang ang bibig ni Xander na nakatingin sa akin. "What? I'm your what?" Paniniguro niya.

            "Boyfriend."

            "I am? Kailan pa?" Talagang gulat na gulat siya sa sinabi ko.

            "Duh." Napaikot ang mata ko. "Since you began to comfort me. And telling me that you need me. Telling me that I give you a chance to show how much you can love me." Ngayon ay nakangiti na ako sa kanya.

            "Wow." Halatang hindi siya makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. "Jesus. Are you sure? We are having a label now? We are together together?"

            Tumango ako at nangingilid ang luha ko. "Yes. I mean, Carlo coming here gave me the answer that I was looking. I don't love him anymore. It was just the guilt feeling. And finally we had the closure that we both need and I guess after that, I have the right to fall in love again. With someone who will accept me for who I am. Someone who will love me unconditionally despite of what I did. Someone who will always makes me smile and laugh. And that is you. You gave me hope when I was about to give up. You are my person and I want you to be in my life."

            Ngumiti sa akin si Xander at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. At ganoon din ang ginawa ko sa kanya. And I never felt so loved, so needed by someone until right now.

            "I love you, Char. I love you."

            "I know. Thank you." Umiiyak na sabi ko.

            Finally, I had the love that I truly deserved.

            And I wish, Carlo would get his too.