The first person who knew about my pregnancy was Xaviell. He found out accidentally when he visited me to get some updates. We usually do the briefings and meetings online. But one day, he just decided to surprise me and he found out.

Pero kahit hindi niya nalaman nang ganoon ay kailangan ko pa rin siyang sabihan dahil una, parang boss ko na rin siya. Pangalawa, kailangan ko ng tulong. Ayaw ko mang aminin pero baka bigla na akong mahimatay tapos walang may nakakaalam.

Being independent is such a double-edged sword. It comes with empowerment but also entails loneliness when done to the extremes.

I couldn't tell my friends because their husbands and partners are either friends with Iouis or associated with him. Alam kong mapagkakatiwalaan ko sila at hindi nila ibubulgar ang sikreto ko kahit pa sa mga asawa nila. Ngunit alam ko ring mahihirapan sila.

I didn't want to put them through the discomfort of keeping something from their partners. I know that feeling. So I did what Iouis said I like doing—deciding for other people.

My reasonings are always intended for the best but I know they're not perfectly rational ones. May kaakibat na sakit at dismaya ngunit mas mabuti na ito.

I want them to know, of course! If anything, isa sila sa mga gusto kong unang sabihan. We've been together since elementary school, which means we went through that 'what-does-your-future-look-like?' phase together.

Iyong mga panahon na ang inaatupag namin ay ang mga flames-candles at MASH para lang malaman kung sino sa mga crush namin noon ang mapapangasawa namin.

It's like finally... the long wait is over and the things we used to talk about before is here. It's now our present. My present.

Pero... hindi muna ngayon... I'm sure they'll understand. I'd rather keep these exciting news to myself than make them suffer for knowing my secret.

"You should, at least, tell your Papa and sisters," Xaviell suggested while slicing some fruits for me. Cravings.

I shook my head. I thought about it too but I'm sure that once I tell my family, I'll end up telling everyone instead.

Alam nilang nangibang bansa ako pero hindi ko sinabi kung saang bansa. I told them that I need some break after that incident with Carlo and surprisingly, they didn't pry.

"You can't just run away every time!" Singhal ni Ate Bree sa kabilang linya. We're still in contact but like what they've promised, they didn't have my whereabouts investigated.

I still have bodyguards but according to Papa, their role is to keep me safe. Hindi sila nagre-report sa kaniya tungkol sa mga ginagawa ko at kung saan ako. Kahit kaduda-duda man, pinili kong pagkatiwalaan ang mga salita ni Papa.

"I have work, okay? If I truly ran away, you wouldn't be able to contact me!" Pagdadahilan ko.

"At least tell us where you are!" It's Ate Alyvia this time. Hindi naman kami close ngunit mas bumuti ang relasyon naming dalawa. It's no longer as stiff and formal as before. "Or allow us to hire some people to look for you!"

I scoffed. Kung papayagan ko silang hanapin ako, edi sana sinabi ko na lang kung nasaan ako.

"Iouis' getting married to Izarra!"

I dropped the apple on my lap, unable to move and speak for a few seconds.

Noong una naming pagkikita ni Izarra, natatandaan ko pa ang iyak ko nang inakala kong kasal na sila ni Iouis at anak nila si Riri. I saw a large diamond on her finger and I eventually asked Iouis about it. It turns out it was just an accessory.

But now, maybe it's real? It's from a reliable source!

Napalunok ako at agad ding nakabawi.

I chuckled. "Good for him. I don't deserve him, anyways." I wanted to hide the bitterness in my tone but I'm sure that my sisters heard it anyways.

Maybe, in time, I'd be able to fully move on from him and focus on our child instead. But right now, the bombshell is still fresh so I'll allow myself to... feel some things because of it.

"Well, you did hurt him, Cami," si Ate Alyvia ulit. I heard Ate Bree's voice but and it seems that the two of them are arguing on who should talk to me. Ang hula ko ay gusto nang bawiin ni Ate Bree ang phone mula kay Ate Alyvia.

"Basta, you still have time to snatch him back," Ate Alyvia added with an eager tone, like the idea of me stealing someone else's man excites her. "Oh sa 'yo na 'yan. Hideous phone case, Bree."

It was Ate Bree who spoke after that. Natawa pa ako sa bulungang pagbabangayan ng dalawa. Ate Bree didn't waste her time trying to convince me. Instead, she checked up on me.

"Maybe you shouldn't have ran away."

I glared at Xaviell. Pagalit kong kinuha ang bowl na puno ng iba't ibang prutas. Buti na lang at sinabihan niya akong bibisita siya kaya nakisuyo ako.

"What?" He shrugged nonchalantly and took the seat in front of me. "Look... iniwan mo nga pero may pinadala naman."

I threw the throw pillow at him but he was quick to dodge. He took the throw pillow behind him instinctively but didn't throw it. I saw how his eyes travelled to my belly before dropping the pillow. Nakalimutan sigurong buntis ako.

He chuckled. "That's the truth! Bakit ka napipikon? You left him yet you found out you're carrying his child!"

I glared at him again. "Isa pa at isusumbong kita," banta ko. He thinks he's so smart and smug but I know his weakness. In fact, I am very much close with his weakness.

"Really?" He raised a brow. "Do that and isusumbong din kita!"

Really Xaviell, huh? Sumasagot ka na ngayon, huh?

My mouth gaped open as I stared at him with wide eyes. I controlled my expression that made it look like I just registered what he said.

Pagkatapos sumimangot ay tinabunan ko ang mukha at lumikha ng mga tunog na para bang humahagulgol ako. I made sure that my sobs seem like something I'm keeping. 'Yong tipo na halatang-halata na na umiiyak 'yong tao pero pilit pa ring tinatago.

"Oh no..." his tone was enough to make me smile behind my palms. It's like he suddenly regretted all his life decisions that led to this moment. "Damn... please... I'm sorry, Cara... please, don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! What have I done? I was joking! Forgive me, please? I won't tell! I swear!"

He sounds really distressed so I removed my hands that were covering my face. I let out the laugh I've been suppressing. Mukang problemado talaga siya at bigla akong naawa.

He held a hand to his chest, now looking relieved. Napamura pa siya ngunit natawa rin kalaunan. "I don't like what you did but it's better this way. Better be pranked than have three people mad at me."

I smirked. Under pala siya, huh?

"Xav..." tawag ko. Hindi siya kumibo, mukhang natatakot na sa pwede kong gawin. "Ninong ka dapat, ha?"

That took his attention. Mabilis siyang napangiti at saka tumango. Before I knew it, he's already hugging me.

"No malice," bulong niya na ikinatawa naman namin. Iyon nga lang iyong akin ay nasundan ng mga hikbi. Gusto ko mang itawa na lang ito ngunit hindi ko napigilan ang mga luha.

"Oh no... it's real..."

I shook my head and quickly wiped my face. Mas hinigpitan niya ang pagkakayakap sa akin. "Bakit ang bait mo sa 'kin!?"

He chuckled and messed with my hair. Pinaupo niya na ako at muling nilahad ang bowl sa akin. I continued eating my fruits, hoping it'll distract and calm me down.

"I admit, you're my Valentine's and my sister's friend... of course, I should be nice to you," aniya na may maliit na ngiti. "But right now, I see you as my sister too. I mean, I wouldn't want my own sister to go through this alone because she and her baby daddy are not on speaking terms!"

Maiiyak na ulit sana ako ngunit umurong ang luha ko dahil sa term na ginamit niya. Baby daddy! 'Yon pa talaga!

"Thanks, Kuya!" Dinaan ko na lang ang mga nararamdaman sa tukso.

He rolled his eyes but smiled. I know that he knows that I meant my gratitude.

"Yeah? Call your baby daddy 'Kuya' too! Mas matanda 'yon sa 'yo diba?"

Aba! Sumasagot talaga!

"Your wife should call you Kuya too, then? Mas matanda ka rin, ah!"

He glared at me but didn't answer back. It's just so amusing and funny because I know that he wants to tease me back. But right now, he's walking on egg shells. Takot na siguro sa crocodile tears ko!

Xaviell and I became closer as the months passed by. Hindi naman siya nananatili sa Swiss ngunit binibisita niya pa rin ako. He said that knowing my secret bears a responsibility.

Hindi ko naman sinadya 'yon. Ayaw kong maging pabigat pati sa kaniya. Ngunit ano pa ang magagawa ko dahil binabantaan niya ako! He said that if I won't let him occasionally check on me, he'll tell Iouis so he'll be the one who'll take care of me instead.

"How's he?" Kaswal kong tanong.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay bago umiling. "Nope."

"Come on, please tell me!" Every time I ask him about Iouis, he doesn't tell me anything.

Gusto ko lang naman malaman kung okay ba siya o ano... at kung kasal na ba siya o ano... oo na! Curious na ako!

"Look... he's a good one too!" Xaviell looks partially distressed. Maybe it's a wrong idea to tell him? Siya na ngayon ang naiipit! Bakit hindi ko 'to naisipan?!

"We're not best of friends but he's a good one. And you left." Matagal na kaming nag-uusap ni Xaviell ngunit hindi niya kailanman sinabi ito sa 'kin. And I'm sure that he's been wanting to tell me these.

"I'm not saying these to make you feel bad about your life decisions, okay? I don't agree with it but it's still your—"

"Xaviell," tawag ko.

He sighed. "Alright, I'm sorry... but my point is, if you want to know what's going on in his life, go do something. It's not my call but I really don't want my pamangkin to grow up without a father."

He really does sound like a brother.

"What if he has someone else? Kasalanan ko rin... diba?"

"You already did what you did, Caramel... right now, you can't undo any of your decisions. You just have to move forward and face the consequences."

Mapait akong napangiti.

Move forward and face the consequences, huh? Easier said than done. It's always like that.

I spent the next months taking care of myself, which included seeing a therapist. Yeah, I know... I don't know what went to my mind but I guess I've had enough dealing things on my own... and inside my head... kailangan ko ng makakausap at kailangan ko ng tulong.

And another thing I did? I didn't drown myself with updates about Iouis. I mean, wala naman masyadong news sa kaniya sa internet, maliban na lang sa mga dating rumor, ngunit tinigil ko na ang pag-stalk.

"Are you decided now?" My therapist asked. Hindi niya man pinapahalata ngunit nakikita ko ang pagdududa niya. "Remember, you are moving on your own timeline. No need to rush if you're still not ready."

I smiled at her appreciatively. Sobrang laki ng naitulong niya sa akin.

"Yes, Doc. I'm ready to tell them..."

The first one I called was Leal. She didn't think twice and decided to visit me. Engaged na sila ni Dr. James at nasa gitna ng pagpaplano para sa kasal nila. Ngunit hindi ko pa nga siya naaaya, nagdesisyon na agad na pupuntahan niya ako.

Sunod ay sina Papa at ang mga kapatid. Katulad ni Leal ay hindi rin sila nag-aksaya ng oras para bisitahin ako.

"Hello, baby! I'll be your coolest Auntie! I'll sue everyone who'll make you cry, your mother included... no, most especially your mother!" Ate Alyvia glared at me while her hand was still on my belly.

"Why did you keep this, huh?!" Bago pa ako makailag ay natamaan na ako ng bag niya. Patuloy niya 'yong hinampas sa 'kin ngunit natigil din nang ni-remind ni Papa na buntis ako.

"Being pregnant won't excuse your behavior!" Aniya pa at galit pa rin ang mga mata sa 'kin.

Si Ate Bree naman, niyakap na lang ako at ganoon din si Papa. I don't know why Ate Alyvia's acting this way. If anything, she's the least person I expect to react that way.

The three of them bombarded me with questions. Saan daw ako titira? Sino ang magbabantay sa baby kung nasa trabaho ako? Babalik pa raw ba ako sa ospital? Kailan ko balak sabihan si Iouis? O may balak ba akong sabihan siya?

"I think we should stop," si Ate Alyvia. Again, I didn't expect it.

May naka-book silang hotel ngunit inaya ko silang manatili. Parang bumaliktad ulit ang mundo ko.

Noon, sobrang tahimik dahil ako lang palagi. Madalang lang naman kasi bumisita si Xaviell. Pero ngayon, ibang-iba na.

I feel so free now that I'm not keeping this to myself.

I am still high on adrenaline so I decided to just stargaze on my backyard. I sat on the wooden chair and allowed the wind to blow my hair.

Although my life is far from perfect and order, I feel at peace and contented. There are so many consequences I have to face because of my decision making... but even so, I am no longer scared.

Tanggap kong madami akong pagkakamali. Marami akong mga desisyon na gusto kong baguhin ngunit... pati ang mga 'yon ay tanggap ko na rin.

"Cami," I flinched, startled with the broken silence.

Umupo si Ate Alyvia sa tabi ko at saka ako hinarap. "I'm sorry..."

Imbes na magpatuloy ay napayuko na lang siya. The surroundings was so silent that I heard her barely audible sobs. Nagulat ako sa nakita kaya hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin.

I have never seen her cry!

"I'm sorry," pag-uulit niya. She managed to lift her gaze up and look at me, then forcing a smile. "Binilin ka ni Mama sa akin."

She's a straightforward person. Too straightforward. Pero ngayon, putol-putol ang mga salita niya. It's like I'm talking to a different person.

"Binilin ka ni Mama sa 'kin... I thought being firm with you will help you... I wanted to be that cool sister but I was scared that you'll slip. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to control you and you'll go in the wrong path... hinding-hindi ako mapapatawad ni Mama, kung ganoon."

So that's the reason, huh? Wala naman akong galit kay Ate Alyvia ngunit sobrang nakakagaan sa pakiramdam na marinig ito. This is also the first time we talked about Mama... or that she mentioned Mama.

Everything I know about Mama are from Ate Bree and Papa. Ngunit bata pa rin si Ate Bree noong namatay si Mama kaya hindi rin ganoon kadami ang naikwento niya sa akin.

I did something teenager Cara would've never done. Inakbayan ko si Ate Alyvia.

"Well, someone has to balance out Ate Bree and Papa... baka naging spoiled brat ako kapag pati ikaw, paborito rin ako."

We laughed it out despite the tears. Nakakainis naman si Ate Alyvia! Umiiyak siya kaya umiyak din tuloy ako! Ang hirap pa namang patigilin ang mga luha ko!

We spent the next minutes talking about Mama. She told me everything she remembers about Mama and it made my heart swell with an unfamiliar joy.

I never had an issue growing up without a mother. My Papa and my sisters were enough. I had a strict sister and an outgoing one. It was like having a mother who's both cool and supportive with her child yet still puts a boundary.

But now, hearing stories about Mama gives me that profound joy. It also reminded me of the role I'm about to play.

"I'm gonna be a mother!" Napatabon ako nang bibig nang tuluyan 'yong mapagtanto. "I'm gonna be a Mom, Ate! I'm gonna be a Mom!"

Ate Alyvia and I cried more because of that. And we hugged more. And talked more.

Natigil lang ang pag-uusap namin nang lumabas si Ate Bree. Pinabalik niya kami ni Ate Alyvia sa kwarto. Aniya na hindi siya matutulog hangga't masiguro niyang tulog na nga kami.

It's like their roles reversed. Ate Alyvia is the cool one and Ate Bree is the strict one.

Leal and my family couldn't stay for long because of work. Wala namang problema sa akin dahil may trabaho rin ako. At isa pa, masaya na akong nakadalaw sila rito. It's not like I'm expecting them to stay.

Nang makaalis sila ay saka ko sinabihan ang mga kaibigan. My high school friends arrived first and it seemed like a mini reunion for us.

"Gusto kitang sabunutan pero madami rin akong tinago sa inyo noon," si Galaxy sabay yakap sa akin. Natawa na lang ako sa sinabi niya. "Pero, at least, I didn't keep every single thing! May alam kayo!"

"Basta ako, I won't judge you... but I will spoil my niece... or nephew, okay? Pambawi sa pagtago mo!" Vanilla playfully glared at me but eventually hugged me while tapping my belly gently.

"Siyempre, hypocrite ang labas mo kapag hinusgahan mo! Secret-secret ka rin, eh!" Natatawang sambit ni London ngunit natahimik din nang tinitigan siya naming lahat, mukhang may natandaan din. "Oo na! Ako rin! Pare-pareho lang naman tayong may tinago, ah!"

We all laughed because of that except for Sugar. Nagpatay-malisya lang ang isa at tinaasan pa kami ng kilay nang pumunta ang mga tingin namin sa kaniya.

"Pati ako?" Tinuro niya pa ang sarili at mukhang hindi makapaniwala. "Sige na nga... pero hindi naman kasing lala ng sa inyo!"

Buti na lang at lahat kami ay may sinikreto mula sa isa't isa kaya wala ni isa sa amin ang manghuhusga. We've all had our fair share of secrets... and heartbreaks... things we never adamantly shared to each other.

Isa sa mga napagtanto ko sa tulong ng therapy ay ang dahilan kung bakit ako ganito... akala ko ay sadyang ganito lang talaga ako. That I am wired this way. But it turns out that there's an underlying reason for this that goes way back.

Ayaw na ayaw kong madamay ang iba dahil sa akin. Back then, I left Iouis because I didn't want him to lose his future, his career, and his standing in their family because of me. Because of our relationship.

Ngayon, dahil naman kay Riri. Staying with Iouis means staying in Riri's life too. And doing so means there's a possibility of dragging her to any of my life's lows.

Wala naman akong matinding kaaway. Pero 'yong kay Carlo, hindi ko rin naman 'yon inakala pero nangyari pa rin. What if the same thing happens again but will have worse outcomes?

Sa sobrang ayaw kong maging pabigat, pati ang mga sakit at hinanaing ko ay pinili kong sarilihin. I couldn't tell my friends about my heartbreaks because I was scared of being a burden to them. Na magiging pabigat ang mga problema ko sa kanila.

I am willing to share their burdens. Pero kung 'yong akin na ang pinag-uusapan, iba na. I am willing to give help, but never to receive and ask for help.

"Did we make you feel like you were a burden?" Si Vanilla, nanlulumo na.

Umiling ako at saka napangiti. "My mother died by giving birth to me. No one ever blamed me but I knew that that's what happened. And I guess, a part of me internalized that... that maybe, no one's saying anything... but it won't change the fact that I am to be blamed."

That just because no one's saying anything, that doesn't mean that they're okay with everything. 'Yon ang inakala ko. 'Yon ang kinakatakutan ko. That maybe they're all saying it's okay, but deep down it's not.

It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would create my own problems even if there's none.

I would think that there's a problem that needs to be solved, which would then affect me. Eventually, my own actions and emotions will lead to a problem. That same problem I thought I was solving was actually something I was creating.

That aspect is still something I'm learning.

That love is a beautiful thing because even if we feel like we have nothing left for ourselves, we would find a way to share. Na kahit tayo mismo ay lubog na lubog na, pinipili pa ring maging karamay ng iba.

Love entails sacrifices. We share each other's burdens. Most of us are willing to accept the burdens of others yet unwilling to share ours. But that's the thing, we think they're not willing and able to accept our burdens. But just like us, they're willing to lend a hand too.

It's not only us who got their backs. They got our backs too.

"My heart is so full, Doc! Like, yes, there's this void, like a space that needs to be filled, but I am full too!" Pagkwento ko sa therapist ko. "My friends threw me a baby shower and one of them got engaged too!"

I am almost due so I had to take a leave from work. My schedule was not that hectic and my work is not that much because Xaviell keeps on manipulating things.

Kaya kahit patuloy akong nagtatrabaho ngayon ay hindi ako mapupuruhan. I feel like my workload is too light. Minsan, sa tingin ko ay hindi ko deserve ang sweldo ko dahil hindi ako masyadong nagtatrabaho.

I'm just spending my rest days preparing for my due. Bumalik din si Leal dahil hindi raw siya mapakali. Aniya na gusto niyang siya mismo ang nagbabantay sa 'kin at para raw hindi ako makapaghindi sa request niya.

"Flower girl kapag babae at ring bearer kung lalaki," masigla niyang sabi. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya mag na-e-excite, sa panganganak ko o sa kasal nila. "Move namin ang kasal para sa 'yo!"

Napailing na lang ako at napahawak sa tiyan. I chose not to know the sex of my child because for some reason, I don't think I could bear the emotional weight of it on my own.

Babae man o lalaki, siguradong maiiyak ako sa tuwa. It's such a special moment... and I didn't want to ruin it by feeling pitiful towards myself that I am celebrating it on my own.

"Remember what I said during our first session?" Anang therapist ko.

"There are so many people out there who loves you. I know it seems absurd, so fictional even... but there are people who will drop everything in a snap just to be there for you... it's not gonna be all the time—everyone has other responsibilities too—but that doesn't mean they won't come to your aid."

Napangiti ako at napatango. Iyon din ang naisip ko. Yes, we all have lives and most of us have hectic schedules. But just because we're hustling doesn't mean we can't make time for those who matter.

And just because we can't be there for our loved ones every single day, that doesn't mean we no longer care for them.

"And for the void you mentioned, I think we both know that that void can only be filled by a particular..." she trailed off with a smile, like purposely cliffhanging me.

"Person?" Dagdag ko. My therapist is a good one. She doesn't spoon-feed everything to me and lets me analyze and realize things on my own. Pero minsan, nakakainip.

She smiled and shrugged, then closing her notebook. "Only you can answer that, Dr. Maldevaron."

Tumayo na siya, halatang pinapaalis na ako. I playfully glared at her yet she only smiled.

"But here's my guess—just a guess, okay?" Her smirk is telling me that she is, in fact, a hundred percent sure with her 'guess'.

"I'm sure that that particular... person..." her brow raised teasingly, like giving me a hint. "Is willing to drop everything for you too."