Impit akong napahikbi ngunit agad ding tinabunan ang bibig. Iouis was humming an unfamiliar yet calm tune to me while caressing my hair.

His embrace was warm and comforting, like my own personal antidote. Mahigpit ang yakap niya pero hindi nakakasakal. It was as if he's protecting something precious to him...

"I'm not crying," I forced a chuckle and tried to pull away. "It's the rain. Ganito talaga kapag bumabagyo—"

Pero bago ko pa mailayo ang sarili ay marahang mas tinulak ni Iouis ang likod ko para lalo akong dumikit sa kaniyang dibdib.

"I never said you were crying," he answered in a soft tone, his hands now wiping the side of my eyes.

Napakagat ako ng labi, saka na lang napagtanto na wala naman pala siyang sinabing ganoon. In fact... he said something else... I may not be an Italian native, but I know what it means...

Napalunok ako at napapikit ulit. Dumoble ang pintig ng puso ko ngunit ayaw ko munang bigyan ng pansin ang sinabi niya.

For now... I have to fix the mess I created.

Hindi na kami nagtagal doon ni Iouis at bumalik na sa loob. He was holding my hand until we reached the stock room. Pinauna ko si Iouis at nagpaiwan ako sa stock room.

Nadatnan ko si Lacey kasama ang isa pa naming kaklase na umalis din naman nang makapasok ako. Gusto ko siyang kausapin pero hindi ko rin alam kung ano... o paano...

"Okay na kayo?" Tanong niya sa mahinang boses na tila ba'y ayaw niyang marinig ko iyon.

She looked hesitant as she glanced at me but immediately looked away.

"Hindi ko alam," pag-amin ko at umupo na sa sahig.

May karton sa tabi ko at sinunod ko ang ginagawa ni Lacey. Binalot kami ng katahimikan habang pinupuno namin ng iba't ibang mga goods ang box. Pagkatapos nito ay dadalhin namin ang mga box sa labas at ipapamahagi ang mga pagkain.

"I'm sorry."

Napatingin ako kay Lacey at nakita ang diretso niyang tingin sa akin. Napalunok siya at sandaling napapikit.

"I overstepped last time... I'm sorry..."

Tumango ako at napakagat-labi, pinipigilan lang ang sarili na mapahikbi ulit.

"I'm sorry, too..." hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at lumapit na sa kaniya para mayakap ko siya.

Napasinghap pa siya at sandaling natigilan dahil sa gulat ngunit niyakap din ako pabalik.

I'm not sure if it's because of my interaction with Iouis or because of this... but a heavy weight was lifted from my chest.

I didn't know that I was suffocating until I realized how easy and light it should be to breathe.

"I'm sorry, Lacey," pag-uulit ko. Just like her, I overstepped too and I said some below-the-belt insults.

Lacey caressed my back for a moment before letting go of the hug. She frowned for a moment and sighed.

Napangiti ako nang may mapagtanto.

"You're no longer poker-faced," puna ko habang nakangiti.

Seeing emotions on Lacey's face feels different. Parang ibang tao ang kaharap ko.

The Lacey I knew doesn't smile. She doesn't show whatever it is that she's feeling. But now... she's no longer that person who's void of emotions. I can see it. May nagbago sa kaniya.

Gusto ko sana siyang tuksuhin ngunit huwag na lang muna. Kaaayos pa lang naman namin. Plus, she might change her mind and go back to her old self if I tease her.

Tinapos na namin ang ginagawa at bumalik na sa main hall kung nasaan ang mga evacuees.

Frankie sighted us first. She raised her hand for a wave and I know that she wanted to call me. Pero nang dumapo ang tingin niya sa tabi ko ay nanlaki ang mga mata niya.

With one look, I'm sure that she knows that Lacey and I reconciled. Frankie glared at us playfully before covering her face. Mukhang maiiyak pa siya dahil sa amin.

Humupa rin ang ulan kalaunan ngunit madami pa rin kaming inasikaso sa evacuation center. It was tiring but still fulfilling.

Nang makabalik kami sa university ay si Frankie na ang nag-drive. Hindi na umuulan ngunit pinili naming bagalan ang sasakyan. For some reason, I feel the need to talk to Frankie and Lacey.

Noong hindi kami nag-uusap ni Lacey ay nag-uusap pa rin naman kami ni Frankie. Ngunit iba talaga sa pakiramdam na silang dalawa ang kinakausap ko.

I mean... Lacey stays silent most of the time and it's Frankie who's doing all the talking but... hindi ko alam... it's different when I know that it's the two of them who's listening.

Habang pauwi ay kinuwento ko sa dalawa ang lahat—mula sa mga ginawa ko at ang mga pinag-aalahanan ko.

And while I was finishing my not-so-pitiful story, I realized that it should be Iouis whom I'm telling these. Every worry and fears and doubts and everything in between... dapat sa kaniya ko sinasabi...

All these fears that's driving me crazy are fueled by my assumptions. Not facts. But by mere overthinking.

Maybe it's not me who's distracting him... maybe I'm not a hindrance to him... maybe it's my assumption that I'm a hindrance to him that makes me a real hindrance...

"It's admirable how you're so willing to give up what makes you smile and gives you that different glint and glow in your eyes... just to protect him," Frankie said in her rare serious tone. "But what if he doesn't need your protection?"

Lacey hummed her agreement. May kutob ako na madami siyang gustong sabihin ngunit pinipigilan lang ang sarili. Kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya, hindi rin ako magsasalita dahil sa takot na baka may masabi ulit akong hindi kaaya-aya.

"What if he only needs you... and you alone?" Frankie glanced at me with a small smile that says why-don't-you-think-about-what-I-said. "What if he only wants to be by your side? That you let him in your life..."

Napasinghal ako at napatingin na lang sa bintana. Natanto kong wala akong maisasagot kaya makikinig na lang ako.

If there's anyone to blame, it would be me.

I got too caught up with my emotions. Natakot ako kaya umaksyon ako nang hindi nag-iisip. It's like I went to a war with no strategy. I got terrified of losing so I entered the battlefield with no weapon and any plan whatsoever.

Sumulong lang ako nang sumulong.

I mindlessly aimed my gun and all the bullets hit Iouis... I unknowingly targeted him when my intention was to protect him... from me...

"Cara..." napaigtad ako nang kinalabit ako ni Lacey. Nasa shotgun seat ako at nasa likuran ko naman siya.

Nang nilingon ko siya, sandali siyang sumulyap kay Frankie. Mukhang may gusto siyang sabihin ngunit nagdadalawang isip pa.

I nodded at her. Unlike the last time, I'm ready to listen to whatever she has to say without taking it as a personal attack.

"Did it ever occur to you that a man as intelligent and independent as Iouis will let something... or someone... to destroy all his hard-work?"

Katulad ni Frankie ay binigyan ako ni Lacey ng pag-isipan-mo-ang-sinabi-ko look.

"Your fears are valid... walang masama na natatakot ka sa pwedeng mangyari..."

I looked down before turning back to the front.

"But I thought too much," I added in a whisper.

I know that Lacey wanted to add something within those lines but was hesitating.

I heaved a deep breath before turning to Frankie and then to Lacey. Although I know that there's still a lot of fixing to make, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Naliliwanagan na ako.

"Thank you for the wake up call," I said as sincere as I could. "I'm a beginner in this but... I just wish that I handled this better..."

Now I feel unlovable.

"Don't assume," Frankie said as if she just read my thoughts. She glanced at me just to roll her eyes. "'Yan kasi, pati pagtingin niya, ina-assume mo."

Sabay kaming natawa ni Lacey dahil sa sinabi niya. Pero kung tutuusin, tama naman si Frankie.

As much as I don't want to admit this but I'm still in the process of trusting Iouis. Kaya mas nangingibabaw ang takot ko dahil hindi ko pa siya lubos na mapagkakatiwalaan.

"You assume that you're a distraction to him... that you're a waste of his time... that he could do better..." may diing sabi ni Frankie. "But did he ever tell you that? Did he ever make you feel that way—"

"No! No!" Mabilis kong pagtanggi. Kung may ganoon man, ako iyon... at hindi si Iouis.

"Then stop thinking about it!" Pasigaw na sagot ni Frankie at sinamaan ulit ako ng tingin. "Madaming may gusto kay Iouis ngunit heto ka... tinutulak siya palayo..."

Frankie parked the car in less than ten seconds. Nang matapos ay hinarap niya ulit ako.

Kung kanina ay parang galit at naiinis siya, ngayon naman ay seryoso na ulit. Minsan lang siya sumeseryoso kaya tuwing ganoon ay mas sumeseryoso rin ako.

She held both of my hands and smiled. "I know I said that he's a known heartbreaker and womanizer but... although I'm not with you on your dates, what I've seen is enough to say that he's not playing with you."

"I don't know him as much as you do but trust me when I say that I've been with plenty of players... alam ko ang mga habits nila... fuck boys have a common ground and their behavior follows a pattern..."

"But not Iouis?"

Frankie nodded. "It's either he's an award-winning actor... or he's simply just serious about you..."

I sighed. But this time, it was a contented one.

I guess another mistake I had was keeping things to myself. I had no one to advise me but the voices in my head.

I may not have kept this as a secret, but for the most parts, I handled it alone. Ang taong kailangan kong kausapin ay ipinagtataboy ko... kaya heto...

"Salamat..." bulong ko.

Napatili si Frankie at hinila ang mga buhok namin ni Lacey para mayakap kami. Kahit masakit ang buhok ko dahil sa ginawa niya ay niyakap ko pa rin siya pabalik.

Lacey cooked us a meal and I went to my room afterwards. I had a deep nap but I woke up after a few minutes. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba iyon sa kaunting ingay na naririnig ko o dahil sa kagustuhang makausap si Iouis.

After our talk earlier, we didn't have any more close interactions except for the long glances we gave each other.

I would try to find him in the crowd and once I spot him, I would find him already looking at me. He'd smile at me and I'd do the same before going back to our task.

Umalis ako sa kama at lalabas na sana ng kwarto ngunit narinig ko ang boses ni Iouis. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at binuksan nang kaunti ang pintuan.

I stood behind the door and peeped through the small opening of the door. Nakita ko si Iouis na kinakausap ni Lacey at Frankie. Nakapangtulog na ang dalawang kaibigan habang si Iouis naman ay naka plaid slacks at sweaters.

"I bought food for you... it's from Cafe M," ani Iouis at nilagay ang dala-dalang mga supot sa coffee table.

"Diba close sila ngayon?"

Tumango si Iouis. "Yeah, but I made a special request... you guys must've been tired."

"Sus, palusot ka lang, eh..." nakangising tukso ni Frankie habang nilalabas ang mga pagkain mula sa supot.

"Dito ka matutulog? Gisingin ko muna si—"

"No, no..." mabilis na tumanggi si Iouis at napatayo pa. He stood in front of Lacey, blocking the way to my room. "I just visited to bring some snacks."

"Hmm..." si Frankie habang nakakunot ang noo. "These aren't snacks. These are enough para sa isang linggo, Iouis!"

Napakamot lang ng noo si Iouis at sandaling sumulyap sa kwarto ko. At dahil parang creepy stalker ako na nakikinig sa kanila, nagulat ako sa ginawa ni Iouis. Sana naman hindi niya ako nakita.

"Hindi naman siya magagalit kung—"

Lacey trailed off into a sigh when Iouis shook his head. "It's alright... I'm glad she has you two. I just really wanted to stop by."

I felt myself smiling.

Hindi niya naman kailangang pumunta rito lalo na't gabi na at kailangan niya ring magpahinga. Katulad namin ay nag-volunteer din siya kanina.

I should be worried but... well... he's a grown man... alam niya ang ginagawa niya...

Him visiting me when I think that he should be resting doesn't equate to him disregarding himself... baka nakapagpahinga na rin siya kanina at gusto niya lang talaga bisitahin ako rito.

"How can you say na okay siya if you didn't even see her?" Tumayo na rin si Frankie at naghalukipkip.

"She..." napakamot ulit si Iouis ng kaniyang ulo.

Where's the outstanding law student Dante is so proud of? The one who can answer their profs' recitation questions? The debating champ? Where are the words of the articulate man?

I bit my lips. Mukhang gusto niyang magpaliwanag pero nagdadalawang-isip pa.

I took a deep breath and opened the door wider. Lumabas ako at agad na sinalubong ng mga mapagnuring tingin.

Iouis looked surprised. His eyes widened before he smiled shyly.

"Hey..."

I nodded at him with a smile. "Pasok ka."

I know it's just an idiom but his eye literally lit up when I said those two words. It's like Christmas came earlier for him.

He then turned to Frankie and Lacey who only nodded at him encouragingly.

He now looks excited yet hesitant. Like he thinks I'm bluffing so he's taking all the time to make sure that he heard me right... that I actually invited him to my room.

"Hi," bati ko.

He smiled at me as he closed the door behind him. "Hi."

Napalunok siya at parang naestatwa sa kinatatayuan. Gusto kong tanungin kung ano ang nangyayari sa kaniya pero naunahan niya ako sa pagsalita.

"You can scream at me and trash out but..." napapikit siya at napailing. "please... tell me... I can no longer pretend that there's nothing wrong... you wanted to break up with me and I still don't know why..."

He closed the space between us and his hands gently clasped on each of my shoulder. "Please tell me what's wrong... so we can fix it... together..."

Napalunok ako at napailing. Imbes na sumagot ay ipinalibot ko ang mga braso sa kaniyang baywang. I rested the side of my face on his chest.

As usual, napasinghap siya bago ako niyakap pabalik. He caressed my hair as I inhaled his calming scent... it was like my own kind of sedative.

"I'm sorry, my Yuwi... I really am," I whispered as I hugged him tighter.

The rain was starting to pour again, making it feel like the room dropped a degree lower. But Iouis was warm... and comforting... he's intoxicating in the good way...

"I will make it up to you," I promised.

"You can start by being honest," bulong niya habang hinahagod ang likod ko. Just like earlier, we were rocking back and forth. I felt like an infant being calmed to sleep in her crib.

Tumango ako. I will tell him everything—every worry and every doubt and every single thing that bothered me to the point that I chose to push him away. I will explain my side and take responsibility.

He may be an understanding man, but that doesn't mean that I'm no longer at fault. I hurt him and he's undeserving of whatever it is that I inflicted.

I was about to speak when he spoke first. "Cara mia, am I still good for you?"

I was taken aback by his straightforwardness. This is the verbal courage I could only aspire to have.

"I've been thinking about this and I feel crazy because I cannot... I don't know... so, I have to ask..." he pulled away from the hug to look at me. His eyes were full emotions and... he's vulnerable! He's showing himself to me without hesitation!

"Am I still good for you?" He repeated, his voice breaking. "Because you won't try to break up—"

I shook my head and cut him off by placing my hands on each of his cheek. I shook my head again.

"It's all on me, Yuwi... ako 'yon... you're good... so good to me." I stressed out every word, hoping he'll understand that the problem was me... and nothing about him. "Too good for me, actually..."

"I should be the one asking you that, Iouis."

He shook his head. "You are..." napapikit siya, tila ba'y sobra-sobra na ang nararamdaman at hindi na makapagsalita. "You are... the best thing that happened to me, Cara mia..."

I looked away. Guilt started creeping in my chest and I couldn't look at him without feeling all these ugly emotions.

He gently pushed my face so I would look at him. Napatingin ako sa kaniya, nararamdaman ang mga nagbabadyang luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

"Sometimes, you just look at me... and..." he paused to sigh. He shook his head while chuckling. "One smile from you and my heart feels like it's gonna burst.

Sabay kaming napangiti dahil sa sinabi niya. It seems so unusual—to be able to feel my heart flutter in the midst of this... in the midst of both a literal and emotional storm.

It's the Iouis effect, I guess.

"I find myself daydreaming about you... and going on dates with you," napailing siya sa sarili, mukhang nahiya. "I would catch myself smiling like an idiot. And unfortunately, other people would catch me, too."

"When I'm exhausted, I think about you... the times when you smile at me, it's like everything else becomes a blur in the background... like an aperture decreased... a weight is lifted off my chest..."

"You are my rest... my strength... and also my weakness..." he continued without lifting his gaze. Gusto ko siyang sabihan na ganoon din siya para sa akin.

"It's unbelievable how one person can have that effect on me... and how that one person can ask a simple question yet here I am, tattling as if I'm a teenage boy with a diary."

I couldn't help but smile because of his words. Instead of answering, I tiptoed to kiss him. I started from his forehead... then to his cheeks... to his nose... and to his lips... it was a long and deep one... I savored it like a glutton deprived.

"Have you eaten?"

Nagulat ako sa tanong niya. One moment ago, he was confessing and we were kissing. But now, he's asking that.

"Uhm... kanina pa," sagot ko, naguguluhan pa rin. "Pero hindi pa naman ako gutom."

He smiled. It was a sly and meaningful one.

"It's a yes or no question," aniya sabay halik sa tungki ng ilong ko. "That's one thing I learned in law school. It's really important in our field, especially when testifying and—" he paused and shook his head.

"My point is that we are taught to be careful with our words," pagpatuloy niya. "Isang tanong, isang sagot,"

I couldn't help but nod in agreement. Ganoon din kasi magsalita sina Papa at ang mga kapatid ko, lalo na si Ate Alyvia. Their words are calculated and well-thought of. There are plenty of synonymous words but they always use the right one.

"But you just witnessed a while ago how I blabbered," he chuckled to himself. "That, Cara mia... that is your effect on me. Not distraction and not anything else but that."

Things would've been better and easier for us if only I asked. Hindi sakim si Iouis sa paliwanag at sagot. He could've spoiled me with his assurance if only I asked.

"So if the law student, Iouis, might answer... it's a yes... yes, you are good for me, Cara Marcella Maldevaron."

I hugged him again. Finally. Finally.

If only I... I shook my head to break my train of thoughts. Ayaw ko nang bumalik sa ganoong state of mind.

Iouis cleared plenty of things and it's really time for me to stop with all these assumptions.

"But Yuwi," sabi ko habang nakayakap pa rin sa kaniya. "This... this thing... this issue that cause all these... I'm still not sure. I haven't confirmed it yet."

Kinalas ko ang yakap at masinsinan siyang tinitigan. His eyes were curious until the dawn of realization hit him.

It took him a second to understand my words but he immediately nodded.

"I'm scared."

"Then don't take the test. We'll wait together," he said with an assuring smile."

I'm not sure if I find his words comforting or not... but I guess it should comfort me because now I'm sure that no matter what happens, I have him by my side.

He pulled me for a hug and I felt his lips at the corner of my ear.

"But please. Please... don't push me away again, Cara mia."