Dhruv's point of view

I hate seeing everything blooming around me while I am here still withering into nothingness. I feel like, I am already dead so what difference would it make. I was just breathing not living. The soul inside me dead the day when I lost my best friend, Yash. When he leave me forever and left me behind to complete his dream.

I get my hope again when I saw the beautiful girl in my neighbourhood but again I lost my hope so what's the reason gor me to live.

Did I find the peace after completing the dream of my best friend?

I am still finding the answer but somewhere I know I am more broken than before. I am more fucked up than before. Death is not the greatest loss for me. The greatest loss is what dies inside while I am still alive, still breathing.

Everyone's around me seems happy and joyful, after all this is the biggest day of my life for them but why I am not happy? Why I am still feeling lonely? Like still there is something very important I have to do.

I was sitting here like a puppet and doing everything as my master says. People were laughing around me and teasing me for god knows what reason but their voices irritating me.

"Nilam ji, I think we should soon finalize the engagement date." My mother said to Priya's mother. Priya looked at me and blushed but I found it useless because I didn't find it attractive. I didn't gave her any reaction and again looked at the same place I was looking before.

I again attempted the fail suicide attempt. That night Nikhil saved me, I don't know how but when I wake up, I found myself in hospital, surrounded by my family and a crying mother beside me. I still remember what happened in hospital and how I end up in this situation.

I was having a difficulty to open my eyes. But when I did, I regretted. Mummy was a crying mess, papa was looking at me with concern. Divya wasn't looking less, her eyes were all red, she must cried all night. Nikhil was glaring at me and my bhabhi, Nikita was looking at me with disappoint fill eyes. I feel bad for her, she was tired and handling a two years old toddler wasn't an easy job.

"What the hack you were thinking Dhruv? If I was seconds late, you might be dead." Nikhil shouted in me. His eyes were filled with rage and Nikita bhabhi was trying to calm her.

"Dhruv bhiya why did you do such thing?" Divya asked me while sitting beside me on the bed.

"Son you disappoint us. I thought, you were happy." I looked at papa and he was looking at me with fatherly love. In last eight years, I saw disappointment in his eyes for me, first time. He wasn't looking at me with proud. But no one know how badly I wanted, not to open my eyes again in this world.

I don't have any answer to give anyone. Not just they, I am disappointed by myself. My life is disappoint with me. I don't have any reason to live.

Everyone has their own reasons to live. Mummy-Papa lives for each other and for us. Nikhil had his own family, Divya also has her own reasons. But I don't have any reason. I am alone and tired to find that reason. If someone give me that one reason to live I will give me life to keep that reason of my life with me.

"We will give you more freedom. From now own you will live with us." Mummy said while wiping her tears. My heart torn apart when I saw the tears in her eyes because if me.

"I am good to be alone mummy. I won't live with all of you." I said while rubbing my temple with my fingers.

"What...? Leave you alone. So you could again hurt yourself. " Again Nikhil shouted on me.

"Nikhil calm down." Papa tried to calm him down but he was no where to calm.

"No dad. Let me speak. You don't know what I went through when I saw him lying in his own blood. I was so closed to loose my little brother." Tears welled up in his eyes and his voice broke at the end when he speaks.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone." I apologised to him with the bottom of my heart.

"You shut up. I am not talking to you and mummy is right, you are living with us from now on." He looked at me with rage but I can see the brotherly love behind those rage full eyes.

"I already talked Priya's parents. They already like you and want to make you their son-in-law. We will go to their house tomorrow and fixed the engagement dates. I am sure Priya will bring my old Dhruv back."

I looked at mummy with shock when she drop the bomb on me.

"Where this came from. I already told you I don't like Priya and I am not interested to marrying her." I also said sternly.

I agree priya is a nice girl and the person will be lucky to get her as his wife but I don't want be that lucky man because I am not the one who could give her love, she deserves. She is not the one for me.

"I didn't ask. You have to marry Priya otherwise forget that you have a mother."

It wasn't a request, mummy literally threatened me again to convince me. Her eyes were filled with tears but she was glaring at me and challenging me if I don't agree to her she will take the drastic step, which might make me regret later and before I could know what happened, I found myself at Priya's house, performing my rokka rituals with priya and our parents discussing about the upcoming dates of our engagement.

"Yes, Anuradha ji. We should finalized the dates of engagement. I really want Priya to become your daughter-in-law as soon as possible. Priya will be very lucky to have Dhruv as her husband, after all he is an IAS officer." I came out from my thoughts when Priya's mother's voice reached to me. I looked at her and she was really looking happy. It feels like she is happy not because her daughter going to marry she like, who is happy because her daughter daughter going to be wife of an IAS officer.

Is only my status let Priya's parents to convince for this marriage because as far as I know Priya's family is richer than us and her father doesn't like to talk Papa before but now he is talking like papa is his childhood friend. I was looking at my wrist watch again and again, checking how long this drama will go.

"Mom..do you want to get rid of me this soon?" Priya pouted and I looked at everyone with my bored face.

I wasn't even trying to hide that.

"Oh! no dear. I want both of you to get marry soon so that you could both make me grandma soon."

I am here planning to get rid of this situation and here her mother was doing a family planning.

I have to talk to Priya soon about this and get rid of this situation as soon as possible. But how many time I have to tell her that I don't love her and never going to be hers.

"Mmoommm..." Priya blushed and everyone broke into laugh except me.

I really need a cigarette smoke in my system. I can't handle this drama more.

"Excuse me.." I excused myself and got up from the couch. I went to upstairs to find a place for smoke.

****

I took out the cigarette pack from my pocket, lit it with litter and take a long drag of it. As soon as cigarette touched to my lips, smock filled my lungs, I kind of feel little relaxed. I puffed out the smock in the air and walked further in the balcony. I hold the cigarette between my two fingers and leaned to railing while admiring the view of garden. I took out Aditi's earring from my wallet and curled my fingers around it to feel her. She is the only one who could relax me when I was or feel gloomy and alone.

Yesterday at hospital I didn't want to wake up. I was having so much batter time asleep. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from the nightmare you relieved but I woke up into a nightmare. My life is a nightmare to me, where I can't control myself. I just a puppet of my mind, do everything what he said. If mind have any switched off button, I switched it off a long ago because as the day passing it becoming worst. It's getting hard to breath. Sometimes, all I want to do is cry and scream and let it all out. I want to beg to my mind just let me free because it's killing me inside.

I looked at the white bandage on my left wrist, reminding me, my fail attempt of suicide. My wrist was fill with cuts, some were old and some are fresh. Five cuts or a hundred, scratches, or deep wounds, barely visible or scars for life, the pain that I feels, every time I took that blade to my skin, was not determined by the seriousness of scars. I picked that blade to hurt myself, to end my life or at least punished myself.

I kill my pain with pain.

Every cut on wrist tells the story, no matter it was for Yash or Aditi and behind every single one of them lays more pain than someone from the outside can imagine.

I lost both the important person in my life.

Every single scar on my wrist hold hours of tears and hatred for myself and frustration and hopelessness can't be measured in blood. Every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I saw a person who lost in the race of life, who is weak and vulnerable. I want to come out from this state but there is no one who can give me the reason to break this shell. There is no one who could told me to scream and cry as much as I want, he will be there to hold my broken state.

The scars on my wrist does not show the amount of suffering, I felt from inside every day.

Ring..Ring...

My phone's ring pulled me out from my depressive thoughts.

It was Raghav.

He was not there, in the hospital when I needed him. I am sure he will convinced my family, not to rush things about my wedding because he is aware of my mental situation.

But he didn't even visited me.

I crushed the cigarette bud on the railing, extinguished it and picked up his call.

"Bhayi aaj tu pila de. Mood ki lagi padi hai." That was the first thing he said to me when I picked up the call.

(Dude, I want a drink badly. My mood is fucked up right now.)

His voice wasn't normal or mischievous one. Today he was looking worried and little bit frustrated like again commissioner sir shouted on him for his silly mistakes.

"What happened..?" I asked putting away my matter for a second. I will deal that later.

"Mom again tried to fixed me with one of her friend's daughter."

I can understand his situation because I am going through the same. Raghav's mother was behind him since last year and forcing him to get marry so she tried to fixed him with one of her friend's daughter here and there but he always managed to run away from the situation.

Raghav and I both run from the topic of wedding because Raghav is not ready for the marriage and me, well everyone knows how fucked up my mind is.

I shove my left hand inside my trousers pocket and said while looking far in the on the bushes. "Come to our place. I'll see you there directly."

I heard the car's honking and I know he is on his way.

"Okay I'll see you there."

I cut the call and put my phone inside the trousers pocket along with earring when...

"Dhruv..."

I turn when someone called me from behind. Priya was standing in front of me, blushing and smiling, looking at me.

"Hii.." I tried to being gentle. She wasn't at fault. It was my fate to be blame not her.

"I am so happy, I become your fiancé officially and soon we are going to tie the knot of love." Her eyes reflected the happiness, seeing us together in future but I don't want her to hope anything which I can't comply in future. I don't want her to live in a false hope. She deserves batter than.

We are not for each other.

"Priya, there is something, I want to discuss with you. I hope you understand me." I said while being careful with my every word.

"Yes, please. I also want you to share your thoughts with me." She said in a understanding tone.

Getting a positive reply, I continue further.

"Priya, your feelings never hides to. You are always open about your feeling about me and share them with me but I can't do this. I can't love you back the way you do. My parents forced me in this and I can't stop them because I wasn't at my right state. You deserve batter than me. I will soon cancelled all of this, you don't have to worry about this. I always want best for you but I am not the one you are looking for." I pore out my feelings and tell her what I have think for this marriage. I was hoping that she will understand but she chuckled and shake her head in amusement.

"At one side you are saying that you want best for me and the other side you are saying you are not the one for me. Dhruv, I know you are not ready for this marriage but please trust me, you won't regret after marrying me. I will give you so much love that you forget everything. My love is enough for both of us because I know you are the best for me." My all hopes broke into pieces when I heard those words from Priya.

Someone in my place will jump in excitement that he is going to marry the girl who is beautiful and love him but I am not someone. I am the broken soul who could give only pain to another person whom care for him.

How I made her understand that I never going to love her. I had never feel anything for her ever. Heck I see her as a sister or a friend, nothing more than that than how could I imagine my love life with her. Maybe this is not the right time to discuss, things with her.

****

"Why are you looking like someone sucks your all blood." I said while taking a seat on a bar stool.

"Don't ask." He looked at me and then turned to waiter.

"Two whiskey please." He looked at me and then the bandage in my wrist. He again turn to waiter and said, "Make that one."

"Make that two." I ordered the waiter and looked at Raghav.

"Don't take decisions for me." I said and Raghav shake his head with a look and ordered to the waiter to bring whiskey for two.

This bar is Raghav's and mine hang out place. Every weekend we came here and started drinking from the day itself and didn't stop until bar closed. We also had this kind of place in Kanpur where we both drink in weekends. Let just say, it's not the place, it's both of us who enjoys each other's company.

Raghav start drinking and smoking when his girlfriend break up with him all of a sudden and marry to another man while he was preparing for UPSC. Because she wasn't sure if he cleared the exam or not. But as far as I know he moved on from her very soon and now he just drink to let go the work stress. I have many reasons to drink to forget the pain and loneliness which I feel every second of the day.

"Dude, Please help me to get out this mess. I don't want to marry anyone."

Waiter put two glass whiskey on the bar counter along with some snacks. We both took our glasses and take a sip of the alcohol.

"Did you meet the girl." I asked while taking the chips from the plate and munch it. Raghav nodded his head with a sucking face.

"How was she?" I again asked.

"Nice..but not my type." He made a face while saying that. I can understand his situation because I am also going through the same situation. You have to marry the person, you are nit in love with.

"You have to marry one day anyway. Marry her, she is a nice girl." I shrugged my shoulders but He glared at me.

"Your words not mine." I remind him the same line what he said to me the other day when I told him about Priya.

"Dhruv, don't play around. Give me some suggestions to get out this fucked up situation." He said like he will cry anytime if I don't give him any idea to get out of this situation.

"I don't know. Tell your parents that you are not ready." I said while gulping the whole drink and order another one.

"What do you think, I don't try? You are not helping either." He frown and and gulp down his whole drink. Waiter filled our glass again and we continue our drinking session.

He doesn't know that I am also going through the same situation. If I can't help myself then how could I help him. We both are the highest rank officer in our departments. Many people work under us and can do anything to fill our order but what a irony of our life.

Our parents don't listen to us because they are fed up with this behaviour of us.

Mummy adore Priya since our childhood and consider her always our family member.

I never understand why but now I do.

Priya was also preparing for the IAS exam but she could not clear that while Raghav and I did in our first attempt. Priya gave up after her first attempt, I still don't understand why? But I had never tried to met her in Delhi, though she invite me many times for dinner but I never go because I have to fulfil the dream which my former friend saw for himself and my beautiful neighbour motivated me to accomplish that dream.

Today I am success because of her because of her trust on me, I never lost my hope and decided to meet her once again when I become an IAS officer and told her how her trust on me keep motivated me.

But I don't know where she lost.

"I am so sorry, I wasn't there when you again tried this stunt." I came out from my thoughts and looked at Raghav. He was looking at my bandaged wrist.

"But trust me I came to meet you at hospital but your devil sister kicked my balls for leaving you alone." He was speaking about Divya like she is witch who will cut his balls for his mere mistake.

I still don't understand the matter between them.

Why Divya always ready to cut his throat?

What does this poor soul ever did to her?

"It's okay never mind." I said while tracing my fingers on the rim of the glass.

"Please don't ever do this shit again and why the fuck you had tilak on your forehead?" He frown while looking at my tilak and sipped his drink.

"My parents did my rokka with Priya."

Raghav spit the drink from his mouth.

"What..?" He looked at me with shock.

"You heard me." I glared at him.

"I am sorry. I don't know, we both are on same page. Let's celebrate the worst day of our life together. Cheers." He forward his glass towards me. I also lifted my glass in air and click it with his glass and then we both drink our drinks.

*****

We both stopped at the roadside shop near the market, for a cigarette break on our way back to home because we already get so many calls from our family.

"Should I tell her that I am a gay." Raghav asked while taking the cigarette pack from shopkeeper. I took one from the pack and put it between my lips. Raghav lit it with matches along with his. I took the long drag from it an then removed it from my lips.

"Bad idea. Your mom will find it soon and you will be the guest of her chappal (slipper)." I said while puffing out the smoke from my nose.

"Right, I am scared of that thing man. Mom and her chappal always work on me. I don't even have any siblings to save me from Mom's wrath." He said with scared look and I am sure that idiot imaging the scenario, probably getting beaten up by her mother's slipper.

It wasn't like, his mother doesn't love her. Trust me that lady can do anything for him that's why she still feed him with her hand. Raghav is the only child of his parents so he has to bear all the wrath of his parents alone, along with love.

I always think what it would be like if Aditi also grew up in a loving family like Raghav's or mine. I am sure she is the most loveliest and pampered child in the house especially in Raghav's family because his mother always wanted a daughter, she mentioned it many times in front if me and always requested me to bring Divya at her house so she could pampered her as her daughter.

Aditi's childhood was the drastic one. Her family didn't love her but she always put the strong girl face in front of others but no one knows, how broken she was from inside. I hope, her family changed and started loving her.

I hope, I could meet her again.

I was looking at the blank space, people are buying things from the shops but I was looking perticular no one and lost in her thoughts when my eyes met with someone wearing a black anarkali suit, buying grocery from the shop. I am not sure it was her or someone else because her side face only visible to me. But I am seeing her after eight years.

"Aditi.." I whispered her name.

"What..?" Raghav looked at me in confusion but I didn't paid any heed to him and stick to my eyes that particular girl who took my sleep away for past eight years.

I walked further to her direction for a better look and making sure if it's her or someone else. That girl bent down to pick the money from the road which she dropped earlier. She paid the bill to the shopkeeper and took the grocery bag from the counter. Tears welled up in my eyes after seeing her after so long. Every night I wished to see her one more time and she probably standing in front if me. I hurried my steps when I saw that girl leaving the shop and walking in the opposite direction of mine.

"Dhruv..." Raghav called my name but I blocked his voice because right now I wanted to focus on that particular girl.

"Aditi.." I called her name this time little louder but that girl didn't stop and keep walking. Market was crowded and I was keep bumping to the people. A fear was crawling inside me that I might loose her in this crowd so I pushed people in my way and run towards her direction.

"Aditi.." I shouted her name again but this time also that girl don't turn. Tears are freely falling from my eyes, I am getting the weird looks from the people but I don't give them a shit and run towards her.

"Aditi..." My heart was beating faster, my tears are blurring my vision, making hard for me to see anything but I could see that girl in black dress.

please stop... please stop.. please please...

My heart was pleading to her silently to stop her but she didn't. Fir a second I lost her in the crowd. I couldn't see her but soon I find her again and this time I am just a five steps away from her.

"Aditi..." I finally reached that girl and put my hand on her shoulder, making her turn towards me.

That girl looked at me in confusion. A frown was settled on her face.

My all hopes are shattered in pieces because she is not the girl I was looking for. She is not the girl I was waiting for since last eight years. But my heart was telling me that I saw her. I was sure that it was her on the shop not this girl. It was my beautiful neighbour who was buying the grocery from the shop.

"Excuse me. Do I know you?" That girl remove the earphones  from her ear and asked me in confusion.

"I am sorry. I thought you are someone I know." I apologised. That girl nodded her head and then walked away.

I was keep standing there with tears in my eyes. My mind was getting confused if I hallucinate her but my heart was keep telling me it was her.

It was my beautiful neighbour, Aditi.

......................................................................

I hope you like the chapter.

I know many of you expecting the meet of Dhruv and Aditi but I broke all your hopes but they will meet soon, I assure you that. I am taking things slow here because I want to charis every moment and make it emotional when they both meet again after eight years.

What do you think who was that girl? Was Dhruv really saw Aditi or it was just his hallucination.

Please leave your opinion in the comment box.

Please do votes and leave the ling comments. Don't forget to share my books with your friends.

Thank you.