Chapter Sixteen: Negative Space

"Hey..." Thomas started but his voice and smile faded out as he saw Mark.

Mark was visibly pale, and he had a glazed expression. He looked as if he had seen a ghost. Rachel could be heard from behind him, laughing clearly with something that Matias had said a few moments before Mark walked inside.

"Mark, what happened?" he asked, now terror engulfing him. Had he had a panic attack? Had something happened with Sam? What was wrong? "Is Sam okay?" he asked, not sure what to ask him first.

At that Mark frowned and looked down at him. Something in his expression scared Thomas. Their friends, finally noticing that something was wrong, stopped talking to each other and slowly went closer to Thomas and Mark. They were all now confused and scared.

"You... you haven't talked to anyone from your team?" Mark asked, his voice hoarse. It didn't take a second for Thomas to realize that Mark had been crying.

"Why would I talk to anyone from my team? Today is our day off..." Thomas replied, letting out a soft snort.

"It's all over the news..." Mark paused to stop himself from crying again. "Frank killed himself".

"No, he didn't. I saw him yesterday," Thomas replied with a smile, not actually believing Mark's words. He backed away when Mark tried to reach out and touch him, and without a word, he pulled out his phone.

"Thomas..." Mark muttered.

"He didn't," Thomas growled, putting the phone against his ear and waiting for Frank to answer his call.

There were tears in Matias' eyes, threatening to roll down his cheeks. Dean was holding onto his hand as if he wanted to keep himself grounded. Rachel was covering her mouth with her hands, while Bryan looked absolutely horrified. All their eyes were on Thomas, waiting for a reaction from him.

"He didn't..." he repeated, still no one answering his call. Kenzie was by his feet, looking up at her owner with her head turned to the side, confused by what was happening. "I saw him last night," Thomas said, the crack in his voice, pulling the tears from Matias's eyes.

Bryan, who had been holding onto the waist of his girlfriend, let her go and went to open Thomas's TV. He went through the channels, keeping the volume low, and stopped at a news broadcast.

"Guys..." he muttered, having read the headline.

Frank Davie found dead. Age 31.

Thomas let his hand drop, the call not going through, and was left staring at the TV screen. Photos of Frank on the field went by, some of them he was the one in focus, in other pictures he was with some teammates celebrating, in one he was with Thomas, hugging him after Thomas scored.

"... note that read 'I'm sorry. I couldn't keep living a lie. I'm gay'." Thomas let out a sob as the news anchor paused for a moment.

"As tragic as this is, this leaves the Portland Scouts without one of their best players, just as the season starts-"

"Shut that thing off!" Mark hollered, covering up whatever else bullshit the other newscaster said. Someone had committed suicide and they were talking about sports?!

Bryan complied and turned it off. Thomas's back was now turned to Mark, but he could tell that Thomas was still in shock. Ever since that one sob he hadn't made another sound, he just stood there in silence. Mark took half a step closer to him and tried to reach out and hug him but before he could touch him, Thomas fell on his knees, hands covering his face. Mark wasted no time, as he heard Thomas's sobs and kneeled behind him, taking him in his arms and holding him tightly.

"It's my fault," Thomas said between sobs causing Mark to tear up.

"It's not your fault," Mark said pressing Thomas harder against himself as if that would keep him together.

While not letting go of Thomas, he looked at the rest of their friends. Rachel was crying in Bryan's arms, her voice muffled. He seemed like he was trying to calm her down, stroking her back, but he looked just as sad as she felt judging by his expression. Matias was silently crying while hugging himself. And Dean had backed away, his back against the wall and curled up into a ball, crying almost as hard as Thomas was. Mark wanted to go and comfort him too, but he couldn't leave Thomas.

They all knew Frank. They all had met him several years ago and every so often they hung out. Sure, they weren't best friends, but they were friends. Dean had gotten to know him the most. Since he liked soccer he would often hang out with Thomas's teammates. He had believed Mark the second he said it, but Thomas's remark had broken him. Only he, Matias, and Mark knew why Thomas thought it was his fault. And it hadn't surprised him that Thomas believed that.

Thomas wasn't aware of how much time passed where he sat on the floor, Mark holding onto him. He knew his friends were still around, but he couldn't tell if they were also crying or not. He could feel Kenzie whining by his feet, upset that he was crying. But he couldn't stop.

Frank was dead. His friend was gone. He would never celebrate with him again. He would never laugh at his stupid antics again. He would never listen to him whine about having to assist him at every game again. He would never see Frank again. That was so unimaginable to him.

When his cries eventually started to fade out, Thomas freed himself from Mark's grasp and took in a heavy breath. He looked around at his friends, they had all calmed down, but tears were still streaming down Dean's face and Rachel was hiccupping from all the crying she had gone through.

"Thomas..." Mark started as Thomas stood up. He lowered his head, not turning to look at Mark. He knew he looked like a mess.

"Just... don't," Thomas said while sniffling his nose, voice rough and exhausted.

He didn't say anything else and just went to his room, closing the door behind him. Kenzie was left out and confused she ran up to Mark, who was still kneeling. Mark sighed and sat back on the heels of his feet as he took the puppy in his arms.

"We should get going," Bryan told Rachel, wanting to leave Mark and Thomas to rest.

"Will you be okay?" Rachel asked Mark. He was looking off into the distance, but he question brought him back.

He nodded, not trusting his voice. Rachel nodded back and with Bryan in tow she left. Matias shed Dean a look and then went to the bathroom, that was attached to the living room, to wash himself up. Mark always found it amusing and fascinating how they would communicate with only one look. He finally stood up and with Kenzie in his arms went outside to the balcony. He needed some fresh air.

He set her down and placed his forearms against the railing. It didn't take long for Dean to join him, shivering as he was only wearing a thin sweatshirt. He rested against the railing and leaned closer to Mark.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Dean asked him softly.

"Yeah, I'm more worried about Thomas. I can't even imagine how he's feeling," Mark said.

"I'm pretty sure he feels as if this is his fault," Dean said, recalling Thomas' words.

"But it's not," Mark pressed.

"I know that. He doesn't. And can you blame him for thinking that? He ends the affair with Frank and a few days later Frank kills himself," Dean muttered and felt weird as those words left his lips. Frank was dead.

"I don't know how to help him..." Mark said and softly sobbed.

"Just be there for him. Hold him. Tell him you love him. I'm not an expert in dealing with things like this but doing these will help him. In one way or another," Dean replied. "Has this... triggered anything for you?"

"I had a panic attack when I was coming up because I didn't know how to tell Thomas. But other than that, I haven't thought about it," Mark said.

"Okay. If you do... think about it, talk to someone. If not to Thomas, then to me or Matias or Reese or... your therapist. Don't try anything," Dean told him and watched for every reaction. Mark nodded, not looking at Dean just yet.

"I'll tell you about it," he assured him and they went back inside.

Matias was waiting for them while scrolling through his phone, ready to leave with Dean. He looked up at them with a sad smile and put his phone in his pocket.

"How are you feeling?" Mark asked his friend, knowing how the news would have affected him. Despite not being the closest of acquaintances with Frank, he had his reasons.

"I'm fine. And I'm thankful for having met both of you when I did," Matias said and took a deep breath. Dean licked his lips at that and with a sad expression he went and kissed Matias's cheek, while softly taking hold of his wrist. "Seriously, Mark, don't worry about me. Look after your boyfriend and yourself," he added and after Mark nodded, they both left.

With Kenzie in tow, Mark quietly went into Thomas's bedroom and saw that Thomas was huddled under the covers. He was still and silent, so Mark figured he was asleep. Without turning on the lights, Mark took off his jeans and shirt and got under the covers, Kenzie jumping up and curling into a ball close to where Thomas's legs were. Mark leaned over Thomas and kissed his temple, trying not to wake him up. Just a few seconds later, Thomas turned around with fresh tears in his eyes and looked up at Mark.

"You stayed..." he said sounding surprised.

"Why would I leave you?" Mark asked placing a hand on Thomas's cheek and wiping away a tear that was rolling down.

"I can't lose you," Thomas went on between hiccups.

"You won't. Okay? You won't," Mark said and kissed Thomas's forehead. Thomas shook his head and then buried his face in Mark's chest. After today, he couldn't believe that.


A/N: It's not a solution. It won't make anything better. Suicide is not an option for you. Talk to someone. Reach out to anyone. Life is worth living. I know things might be hard now. I know you might not think there is a way to keep going. Trust me, I know. I've been there. And I kept going. And I'm here now. And it's so much better. Don't give up on life, when you haven't had the chance to live it. Don't. Give. Up. 

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