CHAPTER 11

"NASAAN SI HAPPY?" tanong ni Blaze sa kanyang ina na nagba-vacuum nang makababa siya sa sala mula sa kuwarto niya.

Katatapos lang niyang maligo at magbihis. Nagmadali siya talaga para kay Happy.

"Is she in the kitchen?"

"She left," sagot ng kanyang ina.

Pakiramdam ni Blaze ay namingi siya. He immediately felt agitated. "A-ano?" But she said we'll talk!

"She left," ulit nito, saka pinatay ang vacuum at humarap sa kanya. "Sabi niya sabihin ko raw sa iyo na magkita na lang kayo sa napag-usapan n'yong lugar kahapon. Baka raw kasi hinahanap na siya ng daddy niya."

That made him lose his agitation. "Oh. Okay. Thanks, Mom."

Tumango ito, saka itinuro ang kusina. "Mag-agahan ka na. Ininit ko na 'yong nilutong chicken soup ni Happy para sa 'yo kagabi."

Gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi niya. "Happy cooked for me?"

May panunudyo ang ngiting gumuhit sa mga labi ng ina. "Someone looks happy in the morning."

His smile turned into a grin. "Ipinagluto ako ni Happy, eh."

Napailing ang mommy niya. "Hindi lang 'yon ang ginawa niya para sa iyo, siya rin ang umasikaso sa iyo kagabi. Inuwi ka niya rito sa bahay, pinunasan ka niya at pinalitan ng damit." Masuyong napangiti ito. "Happy is a good woman, Blaze."

"I know."

"Then don't hurt her," sabi nito, saka ini-on uli ang vacuum at tinalikuran siya.

Blaze let out a loud breath before jogging towards the kitchen. Agad niyang naamoy ang mabangong aroma ng niluto ni Happy para sa kanya.

Magaan ang pakiramdam na naglagay siya ng chicken soup sa mangkok, saka sumimsim ng sabaw.

Napapikit na lang siya nang lumukob sa bibig niya ang masarap na lasa ng luto ni Happy. He missed this. He missed her cooking, her company and... her.

Umupo siya sa stool na nasa gilid ng island counter, saka akmang sisimsim uli ng soup sa mangkok nang may mapansin siya sa kaliwang pupulsuhan niya.

There was a long smudge on his left wrist, the only place in his upper body that had no ink. But someone... wrote something in it and because he had taken a shower, the words were now blur.

But he could still read the words—the sentence actually.

Inilapag ni Blaze ang tasa sa island counter, saka kunot ang noong binasa ang nakasulat sa kaliwang pupulsuhan niya.

"Ma bitch, forget your past, be free and begin again." Napatitig siya sa mga salita pagkatapos niyang basahin 'yon.

Ma bitch... Isang tao lang ang tumatawag n'on sa kanya. Nasisiguro niyang si Happy ang nagsulat n'on sa pupulsuhan niya.

Lumapat ang daliri niya sa isinulat ni Happy at hinaplos niya iyon.

Happy.

"Forget my past, be free and begin again..." ulit niya, saka bumuntong-hininga. "How am I gonna do that when I don't even know where to start?"

Blaze let out a loud breath again before finishing his chicken soup. Nakailang beses pa siya ng refill sa mangkok bago binalikan ang cell phone sa kuwarto niya at umalis na ng bahay.

Sunod-sunod ang duty niya sa ospital nitong mga huling araw kaya sunod-sunod din ang off niya. Pero mamayang gabi, balik duty na naman siya.

Blaze sighed as he drove his car towards the café. Nang makarating siya roon, wala pa si Happy at halos wala pang tao sa loob.

He ordered a brewed coffee and a bread while he waited for Happy.

Ten minutes later, she arrived. Happy looked fresh, she smelled good and she looked radiant. Unlike him who looked like a shit.

Agad siyang nginitian ni Happy nang makaupo ito sa mesa. "Hey..."

"Hey," tugon niya.

Her eyes roamed around his face. "Okay ka na? No hangover?"

"My head is pounding a little."

She frowned. "You don't have gamot with you? For sakit ng ulo?"

Umiling si Blaze.

Sumama ang tingin nito sa kanya. "Para kang hindi doctor. Dapat you're always handa in situation na ganito. Well, hindi ka naman talaga mukhang doctor. Look at your tattoos, mayroon ka pa sa face. That's weird. What is that in your face, tribal with a touch of calligraphy or something?"

"Or something," sagot niya.

"Ano ba 'yan?" puno ng kuryosidad niyang tanong. "I can't make out something out of it."

"It's nothing." Ayaw niyang dagdagan pa ang galit nito sa kanya.

He knew that Happy was mad at him. Maayos lang talaga ang pakikitungo nito sa kanya ngayon dahil ganoon na talaga ang ugali nito.

"Why are curious about my tattoos all of the sudden?" tanong niya para ibahin ang usapan. "You like my tattoos now? Not dirty looking anymore?"

"You're still dirty looking," sabi nito, saka sumandal sa kinauupuan. "One or two tats are okay, but that..." Itinuro siya nito. "That's dirty."

"It's art."

"It's dirty," giit nito, saka napakagat-labi habang nakatitig sa leeg niya. "Minsan... though most of the time, you're guwapo."

A smile made its way to his lips. "I'm guwapo?"

Happy nodded. "Yeah. Hindi mo alam na you're guwapo?"

"I know," sabi niya na nakangiti. "Pero mas gusto kong pakinggan na ikaw ang pumupuri sa akin kaysa ang sarili ko. I felt proud that I look good because I look good to you."

The smile Happy's face remained. "Do you also know that you're gago?"

That made him still and loose his smile. "What?"

"You're gago," ulit nito, saka tumayo para kunin ang in-order nito. At nang makabalik sa mesa nila, seryoso na ang mukha nito. "Why do you want to talk? May sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"

Napatitig siya kay Happy. Gone the smiling face. Hindi siya sanay na ganito ang babae. It was either she was smiling or irritated at him. Blaze didn't get scared easily but this serious Happy... this scared him.

"Are you mad?" tanong niya kay Happy.

"Do I look mad?" balik-tanong sa kanya ng babae. "I'm not galit, Blaze." She took a deep breath before speaking again. "So... what do you want to talk about?"

That was right. He was the one who wanted to talk, but at that very moment, he didn't know what to say.

All he could say was, "I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry—"

"Stop saying you're sorry," pigil sa kanya ni Happy na ikinakunot ng noo niya. "I know. Ilang beses mo nang sinabi 'yon sa akin and I believe you naman. But that's not what I want to hear from you, Blaze."

"Then what do you wanna hear from me?"

Kinunutan siya nito ng noo. "'Di ba dapat you know kasi you're the one who wants to talk?" She blew a soft breath. "Gusto mong makipag-talk. I'm here now, so talk."

"My head is still a big pile of mess," he whispered.

"That makes two of us," sabi ni Happy, saka bumaba ang tingin sa iced americano na in-order nito. "Hindi ko na alam what to think anymore, Blaze. I mean, I know you've got issues and I told myself that I won't make it a big deal but... it became a big deal to me." She sighed. "I have a no overthinking rule for myself, so I've got to ask you this."

"What?"

Nag-angat ito ng tingin sa kanya at tumitig sa mga mata niya. "Do you want me around because I'm me? Or because of her?"

Happy's question made him still, and he couldn't answer her.

"Do you need me as me? Or because of her?" Happy asked again.

And he couldn't answer her! Again! Gusto niyang ibuka ang bibig pero natatakot siya sa mga salitang lalabas doon!

"When you kissed me, ako ba ang nasa isip mo... o siya?"

His mind was screaming at him to speak but he couldn't even utter a single word.

And when he didn't answer, a sad smile stretched on Happy's lips. "Why can't you answer me? Okay lang naman sa akin if you answered 'her.' Just tell me the truth, I mean, I deserve the truth. Hindi naman akong magiging angry sa iyo. Gusto ko lang 'yong truth from you so I would know what to do. Kasi naguguluhan ako. My mind is in chaos, Blaze. My mind is telling me to leave you alone, to let you be, to respect myself... but a part of me wants to stick around and be with you."

"Then stay."

Umiling ito. "Hindi ko hahayaan ang self ko na mag-stay, Blaze." Malungkot ang mga mata nito. "Hindi ko kaya na i-forget ang sarili ko for you. I was raised to love and respect myself. I know what I want. I know my worth. I deserve to be like as me." Dinuro pa nito ang sarili. "I don't deserve this... this whatever you have for me... I don't deserve it. I'm sorry but I can't accept that you see me as a replacement of her." Umiling ito habang nanunubig ang gilid ng mga mata. "I'm not a replacement, Blaze. I won't let you use me so you can relieve your memories with her. I'm me... can't you see that?"

"I do..." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ni Happy na nasa ibabaw ng mesa. "I see you."

A lone tear fell from her eyes. "Do you? Really? Because the last time I looked deep into your eyes, I'm not there and you can't see me."

"Happy—"

"I know that I will never know your pain. I know that I will never know how much you're hurting, but don't hurt me too, please? Don't put me in hell, Blaze, because that's where I'll be because I like you. I like you lot. And I'm scared because you don't like me as me. Kaya don't be angry if I leave or distance myself from you... masyado kong mahal ang sarili ko para magpagamit sa iyo."

Umiling siya. "Don't leave me. Please? Don't leave me, Happy. Don't.... please?"

"I'm not Cassie—"

"I know that, damn it!" His jaw tightened. "Pero nahihirapan pa ako. I'm trying to move on, Happy... I'm trying really hard. But it's not easy! It's not easy to forget her. I'm holding on to you. I believe I can move on with you by my side so please stay," he begged.

"You'll put me through hell of self-doubt so you can move on, is that it?"

Mabilis siyang umiling. "No... that's not it. You got it wrong. Gusto lang kitang makasama, please?"

Matapang na sinalubong ni Happy ang titig niya. "You want me to stay? Sagutin mo ang question ko. Do you want me around as me or because of her?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I don't know, Happy. I'm confused. I'm still sorting it out."

"Then sort it out without hurting someone... without hurting me and putting in so much self-doubt. Kung nirerespeto mo ako, hindi mo ako pahihirapan o sasaktan." Inagaw nito ang kamay nitong hawak niya, saka ibinaba iyon sa ilalim ng mesa. "I like you, Blaze. Gusto kita. Hindi ko idi-deny 'yon. That's why I let you kiss me because I like you. You makes me happy, makes me laugh and your company... being with you, it's amazing because you're you. And that's what I'm scared of, because I know we feel different.

"I made you laugh, happy... and you seek my company not because I'm me, but because of her. And now you're confused! Hindi ako mag-a-adjust for you, Blaze. I wasn't born to adjust myself to please someone who can't appreciate my worth."

Natahimik si Blaze habang nagsi-sink in sa utak niya lahat ng sinabi ni Happy.

And he looked down because he was ashamed... ashamed to look at the woman who made him realize a lot of things... who made him realize how asshole he was to ask her to stay because of someone else.

Kahit naguguluhan pa siya, nasa isip pa rin niya si Cassie. Happy was right, she deserved more than what he could give.

Because as long as Cassie was on his mind, there would be no Happy.

And now, he was left with two choices. Move on and be with Happy or let himself be stuck in his past and continue loving Cassie.

Natigilan sa pag-iisip si Blaze nang maramdaman niyang may yumakap sa kanya mula sa tagiliran at may lumapat na mga labi sa noo niya.

It was Happy and she was hugging him softly.

"I know you're nahihirapan. I can see it in your eyes, Blaze, kaya hindi ko na dadagdagan ang pain mo." Hinalikan nito ang ulo niya. "I'll be civil to you until I leave for Pennsylvania. I'll cook for you if you want me too and I'll accompany you if you want me by your side. But I'm not staying. And I will not expect something from you, the same goes with you. Don't expect something from me. Now that everything is clear to me, there will be no overthinking in my part." She cupped his face before leaning down to level their faces. "I like you, Blaze," sabi nito habang titig na titig sa kanya, saka masuyong ngumiti. "And I don't want to see you sad, just like now."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay nitong nakasapo sa mukha niya. "Ayoko ring makitang malungkot ka nang dahil sa akin."

Happy nodded earnestly. "Balak kitang iwasan actually after here, but I know it's impossible because our siblings are getting married. Our paths are bound to cross while I'm here so... let's compromise. For our good and peace of mind. No more talking about this, whatever this we have... no talking about her. Keep it to yourself. No jealousy either, no to destroying someone's car, no to running over someone and no to possessiveness."

"I can't do that."

"You need to do it," sabi nito, saka masuyong hinaplos ang pisngi niya habang titig na titig sa kanya. "I'm not yours and you're not mine. Period. Let's just go with the flow until I leave for Pennsylvania. It's easier and no drama. Don't you think so?"

His lips were just inched away from Happy's. "Can I still kiss you?"

"I'm not sure," she whispered. "Maybe. I like kissing you."

"So what? It's like we're friends with benefits?"

Umiling si Happy. "I'm not going to have sex with you, Blazey. That's where your benefit ends."

"And you will leave after Lucky and Blake's wedding?"

Happy nodded. "That's the plan. I'm not staying."

Blaze sighed. "One and a half week and you're gone."

"Yes."

"What changed your mind?" He wanted to know. He was curious. "Bakit hindi mo ako iiwasan tulad ng nauna mong plano?"

"I like you." Happy smiled at her. "And I want to spend my remaining days here in the Philippines with a smile on my face. Baka rin ma-ruin ko ang mood ng kapatid ko if she found out that umiiwas ako sa iyo. Huwag natin silang i-burden sa issue natin. It's not right."

Tumango siya, saka hinawakan ito sa baywang at hinila paupo sa hita niya. And Happy wasn't shy even though people inside the café were looking at them. Maybe because her mind was liberated. This was normal for her.

"Thank you," sabi niya.

Tumaas ang kilay nito. "For?"

"For compromising with me," sagot niya. "Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung kaya kitang iwasan, lalo na't malapit ka lang."

Tumango-tango ito, saka bumaba ang tingin sa braso niyang sinulatan nito, kapagkuwan ay natawa. "Did you like it?"

He nodded. "Except for the 'ma bitch' part."

Happy pouted. "Why? You're ma bitch for the next one week and a half so suck it up and own it."

"Nope."

Sumama ang tingin nito sa kanya, saka tumingin sa braso niya, sa leeg, sa dibdib at sa batok na parang may hinahanap. At nakita nito ang hinahanap sa likod ng tainga niya.

"Here. Another part of your body that has no ink." Then she wrote something behind his ear using the tip of her finger. "Ma bitch. There." She grinned. "It's just imaginary though but you are ma bitch."

Hindi na siya umangal at sinubuan ng cheese tart si Happy na kasama sa in-order nitong iced americano. Agad naman iyong tinanggap nito at umalis sa pagkakaupo sa hita niya, saka bumalik sa upuan nito.

And just like before this mess started, they conversed while laughing and chuckling together. Like nothing happened. Like everything was okay. Like they were back to being nice to each other.

Go with the flow. Can I do it without overthinking and doing something stupid?

Blaze stared at Happy whose sipping her iced americano and happily eating her cheese tart. And when their eyes met, she winked at him making him chuckle.

It it would mean being with Happy Quinn for the next one week and a half... then yes, I can do it.

CECELIB | C.C.