Four days pass since the moment that Eden told her roommate about the emails.

She'd done her best to swallow her misery and act normal, whereas Amenkha only seemed to be getting weirder by the day. While Eden was interviewing for jobs, taking care of the housework and the grocery shopping, and even taking time for herself for the first time in her life, Amenkha was barely around the house anymore. It was like she and Eden flipped personalities, and as much as Eden liked returning to a routine, it made her nervous that Amenkha was acting so aloof.

***

On the afternoon of her fifth day back in Florida, Eden returns home from the grocery store and the first thing she sees upon entering the apartment is Amenkha, her back to the front door as she hunches over something on the dining table.

"Hey, girl, I'm back," Eden calls, kicking the door shut behind her with her foot. "I have that protein stuff you asked for."

Amenkha whirls around, clearly caught off guard. A smile rises on Eden's face at her extreme surprise but it immediately falls when her eyes flicker past Amenkha's shoulder to land on the laptop behind her.

Eden's laptop, where she'd left it the previous night, open for the world to see. Or, at least Amenkha.

"What the hell?" Eden cries, dropping the groceries in her hands. She hastily crosses the room in a matter of seconds, brushing Amenkha out of her way and slamming her laptop shut. "You went on my computer?"

Amenkha stays quiet, her brown eyes carefully assessing Eden; but rather than seeing guilt on her face, Eden can sense that the intelligent gears behind Amenkha's brain are turning. Her eyes are narrowed, her telltale sign of deep concentration.

"Why would you do that?" Eden demands, her voice going shrill. The examining look in Amenkha's eyes and the lack of apology are only irritating her further.

"Why are you acting like you have something to hide?" Amenkha counters, her voice matching Eden's in vigor.

Thrown off by her response, Eden sputters for a cogent answer. "I-I don't, I'm not . . . i-it's my laptop! It's my privacy! You're the one who's been acting weird lately!"

Amenkha purses her lips as her head falls to one side, still observing Eden thoughtfully. "Eden, I know what happened with Harry really hurt you but-"

"Don't. He has nothing to do with this so just don't," Eden says firmly, rolling her eyes and turning away so Amenkha can't see the shameful look that passes her face. "I can't talk about him."

A beat passes before Amenkha sighs deeply in defeat. "I'm sorry, Eden. I shouldn't have looked through your computer. I know it was wrong, but . . . I dunno, you've been different since you came back. And after what you told me, I can't tell if it's a good thing or not. Your laptop was open and I saw the emails from him and I thought maybe they would give me answers."

Eden hangs her head, fighting back the tears that flood her eyes at the realization that Amenkha read the emails. Harry's private words, meant only for Eden's eyes, and she was too scared to even look at them. The beast in her chest wails, clawing at her ribcage for peace.

"You shouldn't have done that," Eden mumbles weakly. Why can't anyone respect her privacy?

You're weak. So weak for letting him still get to you as much as he is.

"I really think you should read them, Eden," Amenkha says softly. "There's a lot of things in there that . . . that you may not know. It might help you get past this."

Eden's lips part but no sound emerges. She merely shakes her head, trying to catch the breath suddenly slipping from her lungs. Faint footsteps sound as Amenkha approaches to place a warm hand on Eden's shoulder. "I hate seeing you like this."

"Yeah, well, I hate feeling like this," Eden finally says, her voice warbling. She swipes both hands over her cheeks and turns to face her friend. Amenkha's eyes finally portray her guilt as well as her empathy - a rare thing to see from such a stoic girl. "But I can't read those emails."

"Why not?"

No use hiding anymore.

"Because I'm scared," Eden admits in a small voice.

All those days on the road, all those items crossed off the list, and all that time spent thinking she'd cured herself of her fears, only to have everything shattered by the ordeal with Harry. Any illusion of confidence or bravery has long since flown from her. She's been huddled in square one for days, still suspended in the crippling fear that held her captive for twenty-three years. The very thing she'd tried to escape in the first place and all she's done is return home to it.

Amenkha's eyes slant in pity, leaving a bitter taste in Eden's mouth. She hates that: being pitied for how Harry treated her, for how she's feeling now.

Poor, dumb Eden.

"Scared of what?" Amenkha asks.

Eden exhales through her nose and looks at the floor. "I'm scared that if I read them it won't change anything, and there will still be this terrible hole in my chest."

Amenkha doesn't say anything, which Eden is grateful for. Tears begin to skip down her full cheeks, only to dissipate in the dark fabric of her shirt.

"And I'm scared that if I read them and it does change something, then I'll just realize how stupid I was about everything. And how I missed out on the greatest thing I've ever experienced."

She shrugs off Amenkha's hand and attempts to dry her cheeks. "So I just can't, okay?" She clears her throat to rid herself of the gravelly noise that comes with crying profusely. "I was silly to think I could trick myself into being brave. Nothing on my list changed me. All courage is . . . is hiding; lying. Everyone is scared and that's all we'll ever be, and I was dumb to try."

"Eden, how did you face your fears in the first place?" Amenkha asks suddenly.

An odd time to change the subject, but at least they aren't talking about Harry anymore.

Eden eyes her curiously but chooses to humor the question. "I made my list," she answers timidly.

"And then you followed it, right? No matter how scared you were?"

Eden shrugs noncommittally, which Amenkha takes as confirmation.

"So, do the same thing here," she says, the pity disappearing from her voice as she straightens up and looks at Eden with narrowed, concentrated eyes. "Make another list about reading the emails."

Her words are kind but firm - Eden likes this Amenkha. The one who knows exactly what to say; the one with a logical plan.

But it doesn't change the realization she's come to. "It won't help," Eden answers honestly. "I've made up my mind. Reading those emails, trying to be brave and hear him out, would just be another stupid attempt at changing myself."

"Eden," Amenkha laughs, somewhat cynically. "You're not a robot, and you're not made of marble. People change, they're supposed to! Nobody is ever expected to feel one way their entire life and honestly, I'm surprised at you and a little disappointed that you can get knocked down this easily."

"I'm not choosing to feel this way," Eden snipes, even though part of her realizes Amenkha has a point. "I'm being realistic."

"No, you're being a doormat. If you want to be brave, you have to keep choosing to be that way. It's something you have to fight for. I'm so proud of you for going on your road-trip and doing all those things on your list, but you're right in saying those things won't change you. You have to change you. And you can't stop now, not when you're doing so well."

Eden wipes her eyes and glances down. "You really think so?"

"Yes," Amenkha says in exasperation. "Most people don't even want to admit they hate their life but you took that step to make things better for yourself, and that was incredible to watch."

Eden remains quiet, fighting a small smile at Amenkha's words.

"Please, just think about it. It doesn't have to be right away, give yourself time to gather your thoughts, but I think this is something you need to do. You definitely don't have to forgive him, but sometimes people make mistakes and they deserve a chance to be heard."

Eden nods. "Okay."

Amenkha raises an eyebrow. "'Okay' you'll think about it or 'okay' you'll read them?"

Eden sighs in defeat. "Okay, I'll read them. You're right, this is something I need to do."

A short answer, indicative of her quick change of heart; but there's nothing further to say. Whatever Amenkha saw convinced her that it was worth reading - otherwise she wouldn't have told Eden to do so. And if Amenkha thought something worthy of her time, then it probably was. Eden doesn't need any other reason than that. She wants to move past this pain, move out of the home that fear has built within her. Even if she has doubts this will change anything, Amenkha is right in saying she has to try.

Amenkha offers her one last reassuring smile and a comforting hug before leaving her alone in the dining room with her thoughts. Eden takes a few quiet moments to focus on her breathing, trying to pull her mind together.

Breathe in, breathe out. The sound of air rushing in and out breaks in her ears like calming ocean waves.

When her eyes open, she feels a bit better. More grounded. She reaches into her pocket to pull out the destroyed fragments of the list that she gathered from her car floor the day before. She grabs her laptop and retreats to the isolated safety of her room, gently clicking the door shut behind her. Her nimble fingers drop the pieces of paper onto her bed and spread them across the covers, meticulously turning and rearranging the fragments until they're all back in their rightful arrangement, displaying her beloved list again.

Despite having all the pieces, the list is still not whole. It won't ever be again. Jagged tear marks gaze back at Eden, running across her careful script and marring the words written on the paper. She may not be able to put this list back together, but she can follow Amenkha's advice and make a new one.

Decided, she fishes through her desk drawer to pull out a post-it note and a pen.

Item Fourteen - Read the Emails

~~

tell me your thoughts about how everything is going here so far. are you liking the direction things are heading in? what parts of Eden do you admire? what do you think of Amenkha as a friend? lets have a conversation, i'm really eager to get some feedback about this.

ALSO - what do you think the emails will say??