suggested song: sunburn by ed sheeran

~~~

It takes a full two days for Eden to muster up the courage to open the emails.

It's not that she doesn't want to. After her conversation with Amenkha, she'd accepted that this was something she'd inevitably have to face. But every time she saw his name on her screen, her thoughts became clouded with memories of their last interaction - the way her heart dropped when she read his article, his face as he watched her go, how it felt to completely implode in the car alone.

One day while Amenkha is out, Eden tells herself enough is enough and parks her butt on the sofa, armed with her computer in her lap and a fierce determination to read.

"You can do it," she whispers as she pulls up her email and scrolls to the first message he sent her. "It's just an email. He's not here, he can't see you react."

Her cursor hovers over the first email sent, still lit up in bold lettering from never being clicked on. She waits a moment, for what she isn't sure, before her finger presses the mouse and a loading screen appears.

from: [email protected]
subject: please read

Eden,

I owe you so much more than an apology.

Eden immediately has to stop reading after the first line because her legs are shaking so much the words have begun to blur. She readjusts in her chair and waits until the trembling calms down a bit before trying to read again. A pang shoots through her chest as she takes in his words; she hadn't realized how much she missed his company. Every moment of her waking hours had been dedicated to keeping herself busy to avoid thinking about him as much as possible.

"Pull it together!" she commands herself, patting her cheeks sharply. "Don't you dare cry."

Eden,

I owe you so much more than an apology - I owe you the complete truth. You are allowed to get angry and hate me, but I want you to know what happened and why things occurred the way they did. You deserve that, and you deserve to feel whatever emotions you do.

I have a confession: I read your list the night you found the wedding invite at the hotel. You were asleep and I was feeling restless and nosey, and I saw the list sitting on your bed. What I read was beautiful, Eden, you should know that. I saw how badly you wanted to experience life to the fullest, the good and the difficult, and I'm sorry I took that away from you. I thought I was helping, honestly. I went along with everything the best that I could while trying to also look out for you. In the journey to self-realization, we (meaning people as a whole) tend to get a bit reckless and make rash decisions, and I didn't want your road trip to turn into something cheap when it was actually something pure and wonderful.

I'm so sorry that I went behind your back like that but something tells me you already knew. I slipped up telling Will about the cliff-diving; I wasn't supposed to know that, and you weren't supposed to know that I knew. There were changes in your behaviour that I picked up on after that day but I couldn't say anything, for obvious reasons.

I have another confession: I knew things would play out like this. I meant for them to, as horrid as that sounds, but that doesn't change how guilty I still feel about what I put you through. Item Twelve was to let your heart break and I told myself it was better if I helped you "complete" that item as opposed to someone who could do real damage. So when we had our silly little tiff, I made sure my computer was open for you to read that article.

A complete knob-head move on my part.

I think I underestimated how much pain that was going to cause. Like I said, I took something beautiful away from you and I had no right to. But I felt it was my responsibility to help you complete your list since I went behind your back and read it. Maybe this can help you complete Item Thirteen, too.

Eden stops reading again, this time because there are more tears in her eyes than words and she can't see anything beyond a watery blur. She knows what Item Thirteen is, but she'd added it as a general goal to work towards in the future, not something to tackle as a result of heartbreak.

Item Thirteen is to Learn to Forgive. The same lesson her mother had tried to teach her earlier but that Eden was so against. Forgiveness would be like giving up, right? And Eden is tired of giving up.

She sniffles and then sobs aloud, pressing her face into her shirt to dry her tears and catch her breath. All her worst suspicions confirmed - something in her knew Harry had read her list but all the same, she didn't want to actually be right about it. Now everything makes sense: why he couldn't tell her details about himself, how his attitude toward her became more protective ever since the wedding, and why he didn't fight to explain himself after she read his article.

She wipes her eyes and pulls the laptop closer.

I want to explain something else. The article you read wasn't the article I published.

I told you I was a reporter from England, and that's the truth. I work for a small magazine company out of Warrington in Cheshire. For a long time I was just doing back-page pieces: local shop openings, book reviews, the boring stuff. I wanted to write about people, to socialize and explore but this was the first job that gave me any chance at writing so I took it and held on tight. My boss is a self-centered asshole who has an unfortunate obsession with gritty exposés; the man thrives on the humiliation of others. When he gave me the opportunity to write a cover article I jumped at the chance, but I should've known better. My assignment was to go to America and find a jaw-dropping story; the only stipulation was that I essentially had to crack open someone's shell and bare them to the world, in the most mortifying and dramatic way possible.

Granted, I wasn't crazy about the idea, but I told myself I wouldn't get too close to whoever I wrote about. I would just pen down the first story I came across, fluff it up a bit for reads, and go home. It would be easy if I didn't think about it. But weeks passed and I was still empty-handed. Americans especially are so guarded, and understandably. No one was willing to delve that deep into themselves, whether or not they knew I was writing a story.

I was about to call it quits and face the consequences of a failed career when you stumbled into that diner. It was like the universe knew what I needed and put me in the right place at the right time. I was astonished by how willingly you let me in and how honest and open you were - from a journalist standpoint, I knew I'd found my story. Especially when you mentioned your list, I knew there was no way I could let this escape me.

But from a human perspective, it was refreshing to meet someone who could admit they were struggling while being so determined to change themselves. Amongst a world so enclosed and within a society that demands perfection, you were willing to admit your brokenness. You may have only seen yourself as afraid but I saw courage in your vulnerability. I was . . . inspired.

I could never believe a word I wrote about you. I wrote those horrible things because it was what my boss wanted, but you are most certainly not crazy or deluded. I sent the draft after our second day together and he was ecstatic. But I very quickly realized what I was doing was wrong, and I tried to convince my boss to let me write something different; to let me write the truth.

He wasn't having it. And with a time crunch, I had to finish the article - the untrue one, that is. By then, we were almost to Niagara and I knew I had to get things rolling with your list. So I left the laptop open and let things unfold. It was the most despicable thing I've ever done. I still can't sleep at night because all I can see is the look on your face when I walked in the door.

That is a moment of my life I will never be proud of.

You left and I was about to send the article when I realized I couldn't let myself be pushed around in this job anymore. My lack of conviction had cost me a career and now a friendship. I wouldn't let it affect anything else. So I phoned my boss, told him where to shove it, and I quit.

Item One - I quit my job.

You showed me that was okay. I told you your journey could be as meaningful for me as it was for you and I meant that. I just never realized it would be this liberating.

I trashed the first article and I wrote the truth. Even if no one saw it, even if you never read it and never forgave me, I had to write it. But by a stroke of luck, I have a publisher friend in London who agreed to post the story as an independent submission. So the truth is out there, Eden, and the whole world knows how brave you are. I hope you can see it too.

I've attached the published article in the other email. I hope you read it and see all the wonderful things people have to say about what you did. But don't take their words to heart too closely; you were brave for yourself, not for anyone else. You are brave, Eden, even when you're at your most afraid. Please try to remember that in anything you do.

"The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

In case you can find it in you to forgive me, I've allowed myself a few more days in the states. Your friend knows where to find me.

All my love, H

.

P.s. If by a miracle you've been kind enough to read this all the way through, and if it counts for anything at this point - I'm deathly afraid of spiders, I can't ever wear matching socks (they must always be mismatched), I drink tea religiously, the ocean is the only place I've ever felt complete, and I sleep best when it's raining outside.

And lastly, you're the only person who's made me feel so alive and so grounded all in the same moment.

~~~

hey lovelies! i hope you enjoyed finally getting a little insight to harry's thoughts. what are your thoughts so far?? did this clear up a few things for you?

also i meant to clarify this sooner but when i said he's a reporter, i actually meant a journalist. i got the words mixed up when i originally wrote that chapter and didn't realize until now. not that there's a huge difference at the end of the day, but i just wanted to put that out there

how is your week so far? i just started my second job today so i thought i'd update before things get too crazy, don't want to keep you waiting for too long :p