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So it wasn't a coincidence I met Saihara. It wasn't because he wanted to get to know me that he decided to meet me. It was just because he was curious.

The reason he is so determined isn't really because he wants to know the real me. He just doing this because his Uncle teased him it would be interesting.

Why he talked to me? Just because I seemed to have the missing pieces for the puzzle he was searching for. It was never about me. Just what I know.

And I was stupid enough to believe I finally found someone who accepted me as I am now and didn't expect me to change. One who didn't leave me alone, like Momota.

Even Momota had his flaws, like how he only seemed to talk to me when no one else was around...like I was a sidd project.

But...even then...I felt...wanted. I miss that idiot so much.

People like him are rare in this world. Working so hard to benefit others even when it only brings you negative outcomes.

Maybe he was making a way for Saihara to step in. But...why? Why did I actually expect something different to be honest...still.

It felt...relieving. Talking about what happened, talking about these thoughts and feelings made me feel truly free.

It hurt. Oh god it hurts remembering that pain that wracked my body and made me scream to God to just kill ne instead.

That I couldn't do this anymore- that I would do anything- that I would go through this countless times if my friends lived- that I would rather die than go through that pain only to live being the only one left.

To be hearing their parents asking me as well as my own, why? When that's not what happened but not even really being in control of your body.

Those long months...it felt like a dream. Like I wasn't really awake or alive and I was watching myself from beyond my body.

And as Momota slowly brought me to where I am now was like waking up from a really bad nightmare.

I still felt like I was asleep...until...

"how could you be so selfish?!"

That changed everything...

I never thought once that my actions- that ne trying to kill myself was selfish. I just thought I was finally doing what the world had been stalling for so long. That I was finally going to release myself from this body that won't even work anymore. That I...could finally be free from those memories that plague my mind every waking second and every night while I sleep.

Before I become a monster. The day I finally stopped feeling again...and hurt others like they hurt me. Like how I used to be. But back then the feeling of being with my friends and not being alone was enough. More than enough to make sure I still had some morals and boundaries.

Made me still human.

But now...I am all alone. Alone, and this time...I don't know what will become of me in the future.

But...selfish.

"Is this what she wanted for you? IS this what they wanted for you?! I may not have known you like you do but I know d*mn well they wouldn't want you dying on them!"

I don't really know what clicked with that. To think my friend's would be angry...if I died like this.

That I was being selfish for killing myself when they didn't even get to make that choice.

It hurt. But...it was probably right huh? They hate me, don't they? For getting them all massacred and thinking I could get away from my punishment by killing myself? How funny...

"Ouma...?" Saihara's voice snapped me back to reality. I tilted my head up and I could feel a painful laugh escape  from inside of me.

"S-so...i-it wa-s n-never ab-out m-me" I commented "y-your...j-just c-curious...heh" I felt tears escaping my eyes as I laughed.

So this is the foundation for our 'friendship' if you can even call it that. I was stupid...so very stupid to think that maybe someone else would actually still care about me and want to be my friend when I am at my absolute lowest point...

"OUMA! I never thought of our friendship that way, when we met...I admit curiosity was the main drive for starting a conversation but it's not anymore!" He argued.

"I care about you Ouma, I care about the person beyond the chair and the mask! I care about YOU"

I paused as I heard footsteps of familar high heels enter.

"Aunt Jin! We are leaving so please don't hurt him-" Saihara started when he got interrupted.

"I heard everything...so...it was all...a lie?" She asked and I turned my chair around gripping the handles tightly.

I nodded, "so...you never were going to kill yourself that day...the real reason why her body was so horribly destroyed...wasn't because of sharp rocks and currents...but because she was murdered"

I paused and nodded again.

'I'm sorry' I signed and got no reply.

'I'm sorry, I didn't stop when it was going to far, I'm sorry I didn't trust my gut feelings, I'm sorry that even in the end I couldn't even protect any of them, I'm sorry for not being able to save her' I was sobbing.

"Y-your...y-your r-right...I...S-SHOULD H-HAVE D-DIED IN-STEAD! I'M T-THE ONE W-WHO W-WANTED R-REVENGE!" I screamed not being able to contain the words I wanted to speak to this women for all those long years.

I bowed my head "I-I'M S-SORRY!" I screamed as I heard the noise of someone crouching down.

"So...you did feel remorse" she stated. I didn't respond as I felt Saihara patting me on the shoulder.

She sighed "and you can talk...to be honest for the past few years I didn't actually know you could hear me...you never talked or showed any signs of being able to hear me..." she admitted.

"But you did hear me, didn't you? All those times I screamed or cursed at you...for her death" I could tell she was sobbing as well "blaming you for her death...I never could understand it...she was so cheerful at home...and so hopeful...and I never could understand why...why she would kill herself...but...if what you say is true" she started.

"Then she was murdered...and...all these years...I've blamed you for her death...yet, you weren't the one who drew the blade...still though" she stopped and I could feel her standing up.

"I can't forgive you, your the reason she got into so much trouble and later that became the reason she died" Sensei spoke with a grain of sympathy.

"So...I don't hate you...but I don't exactly appreciate you either...so...whatever you do after this" she started.

"Don't you ever forget what I tried to teach you all then...even though it may be hypocritical...please...love accept the world around you...because it isn't going to change" she finished and I just froze.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't react. I wasn't forgiven. I didn't want to be, because I'm sure I could have done better to protect them from what happened.

Yet...as the sound of footsteps leaving and the light shifting I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.