I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter. I keep reading my older ones thinking "oh jesus I should rewrite these," but I'm too busy working on new ones haha

don't be scared to mention grammar or writing issues!! I've been reading through my old chapters, and I didn't separate dialogue, I wrote 'Malloy' twice in one chapter, and my writing is downright terrible. If you find mistakes in newer chapters, TELL ME! I'll fix them. Thank you :)

Anyways, enjoy!

(TW for suicide mention)

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I found comfort in Blaise's intense eyes looking directly into mine, urging me to get started. My chest was burning with the anxiety of having to tell them. Having to explain when, how, and why I was going to leave them. The deep brown eyes were nearly staring into my soul, urging me to start talking.

My throat was dry. "I- uhm," my voice cracked, embarrassingly. I cleared my throat and tried to swallow. "I-I know you hate it when I say this, but I really- I just-" I sighed, frustrated. I could barely stammer a coherent sentence.

Pansy rubbed the back of my hand with her fingertips. I closed my eyes for a second and focused on the feeling of her sharp, manicured nails brushing against my hand. After a few breaths, I could finally swallow, and my eyes opened back up again. Blaise was still staring at me. I forced myself to turn away and stare at a wall behind him. I couldn't look at him while telling him this.

"Do you remember the day I didn't get out of bed? And Pansy, you came and woke me up?"

Pansy's breath hitched. I heard her shift on the floor. She hummed anxiously. I reluctantly turned my head to her. She looked terrified at what I was about to say next. The circles her fingertips were trailing on the back of my hand faltered. She nodded, a silent push to continue.

"It was... the night before that," I paused and cleared my throat. "I was fine all day but..."

My heart clenched and twisted. "I saw the two Weasley siblings at their brothers' memorial," I choked out. "And they were crying and- Salazar I hate myself!" My feet thrashed, making Theo lift his head to look at me, pity etched onto his face.

"Why d-did I take the mark? Why couldn't I run away? I was a damn coward, and look where it got me! Our headmaster died because I let death eaters in. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

The despair I felt was almost the same as what I felt that night, almost two weeks ago. I just wanted to kick something, or punch a wall. I wanted to hurt myself. Salazar knows I deserve it.

There were no tears in my eyes as I ripped my hands away from my friend's grasps. I pulled my hands toward my chest and seethed. I put one of my hands on top of my closed fist, and pushed down, taking in the sound of all 4 of my knuckles cracking at once. I could feel Theo tense and cringe beside me, but I kept going with my second knuckles on the same hand. I was about to attempt to crack a knuckle in my thumb before Blaise grabbed one of my hands again.

"Draco, stop it. You're freaking Theo out."

I turned my head towards him again, only to see that he looked tense and uncomfortable. I hadn't realized how tight I was holding his arm until I loosened my grip, and he looked relieved.

I lowered my head again. "I just felt so hopeless- and angry at myself. Everyone hates me, and I'd already gotten a decent amount of beatings by then. I can't defend myself, because kids will squeal to their parents, and then the ministry would find out, and I'd be off my probation and stuck right back into Azkaban," I shivered.

"I usually convince myself to stay alive for m-my mum," my voice broke. "B-but I managed to convince my-my-myself that not even she would miss me," I sobbed out. Blaise squeezed my hand tighter. Pansy rose to her knees, matching Blaise's position beside him, and rested her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around her shoulders.

"It was the most hopeless I'd felt since sixth year, when I was trying to fix the cabinet. I just wanted to be gone, but I needed to stay alive, or he'd kill my parents," I sniffled again and wiped my cheek on my shoulder.

"But this time... I felt like I had nothing. Nobody. I thought- I told myself I was a burden. T-to you guys." I lowered my head further. I knew I was disappointing Blaise. I was disappointing all of them.

Recounting my lowest moment proved to be about as hard as I thought it would be. Times five. I couldn't lift my head to face my friends, yet somehow feeling Theo tremble at my words, the words that I used to describe the feeling of almost falling, was even worse than not seeing his expression. Theo depended on me. Depended on us. Without all four of us together, hanging off of each other for support, there is no us. Just a few traumatized teenagers not knowing what to do with their lives.

The thought crossed my mind the day after. What if I really jumped off the tower. No interruptions? What would happen to us?

What I didn't realize in the heat of my suicidal craze, was that we all ricocheted off of each other. Without me, Theo would try to bottle up his emotions again, because he refuses to depend that way on Blaise or Pansy. Sure, he can cry in front of them now, but he could never accept actual help from them. Ever.

Without me, Pansy would go insane with guilt. The number of times I've had to tell her some things aren't her fault is surprising. Very surprising. Pansy always kept her head held high, and always blamed others for her wrongdoings. She was always a stone-cold bitch, and that's why she was my best friend.

Lately, though, it's like she's done a complete 180. One minute, she's sneering at her classmates, about to blame Daphne Greengrass for a potion spill, the next minute she's sobbing on the bathroom floor because 'I was prepared to just throw Potter to Voldemort! I didn't care about him, or his friends! I wanted to save my own skin. I'm such a fucking bitch. Oh, my mother was right. I've always just been an ugly whore!'

And I'm there, my arm around her, reassuring her that 'Potter is fine. Voldemort is gone. It's behind us now. All of it.'

And she looks at me, mascara covered face and all, and asks me 'how am I supposed to believe that, when you don't even believe it yourself?'

And I have to face the fact that neither of us will ever stop blaming ourselves for the little things that have done the most damage. The only difference was that I was genuinely marked, and her left arm was a clean slate. Nothing there to prove that she really was evil.

Without me, Blaise would try and try again to get the two idiots to open up and cry on his shoulder, but would never be able to, because I was the leader. I was the one who could solve their problems, and then I could go to Blaise to have my own solved. He would've been forced to be holed up in his head without any reassurance, because Theo and Pansy were too upset to listen, and I was gone.

We work as a group. Gears grinding constantly, and if one of them breaks off, the entire machine stops. Salazar only knows what we were supposed to do when we graduate, but that's an issue for another time.

It certainly wasn't an issue for now, because I was sobbing on the couch, the 3 idiots mentioned all around me, holding me in some way, as I told them my inner monologue while standing there, the cold autumn wind biting at my cheeks.

But then, I felt them all melt in relief. Harry had saved the day, as usual. Blaise's hand wasn't holding mine as tight, and I felt Theo's breath released by my ear, as he'd been holding it for the last 20 seconds of the story.

"It- it was scary. I was falling, but backward. Back onto the floor," I took in a shuddering breath, prepared to embarrass myself. "And it was so warm. I let myself cry in his arms until I finally realized who he was. We just argued after that. I cried more and then ran away.

"I woke up the next day, and I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, and-" I finally turned to look Pansy in the eye. "I didn't mean to snap at you! I didn't even want anybody to wake me up or come get me- I don't know what came over me, but it wasn't your fault. I'm not your responsibility. I couldn't drag myself out of bed, and that's my fault."

Pansy looked me right in the eye and held her gaze. She was thinking of something to say. All of a sudden she screwed her eyes shut and frantically shook her head. She reached up and grabbed both sides of my face. "Draco, I never blamed you for that. I wasn't angry, it didn't make me upset in any way. If anything, I was relieved you were okay. I didn't know why you didn't get out of bed. I was scared- worried about you."

I stared at her, and then broke our eye contact to lean into one of her hands. I felt Blaise squeeze my hand again, and finally mustered up the courage to look him in the eye. I almost flinched when I saw the pained expression on his face. He looked... afraid. He was really letting it show on his face. Blaise never does that. Ever.

"Draco. Listen to me," he grabbed my other hand by Theo's side, which made the position a little awkward, since Pansy was still caressing my neck and jaw, and Blaise had to squeeze in past her. "You will never, ever be a burden to any of us. We love you, and we will always be with you to help. I don't want you to ever think you can't come to us. Any of us, roles be damned. Without you, none of us are complete. You are a piece of all of us, as we are to you. We can't lose you."

My heart jumped to my throat as every sentence came pouring out of his mouth. For the umpteenth time today, I was about to cry. And there wasn't a better place to do it, tangled in the arms of all three of them.

Pansy pulled her hands away from my face, and wrapped her arms around my torso, digging her face into my stomach. Blaise rubbed her back.

"I don't know what I'd do if you were gone," Theo's voice cut in from beside me. "I don't know if I'd be able to go on."

I turned to him, horrified. "Theo... you'd have Blaise and Pansy. Don't say that. They need you, too."

His face contorted. He looked frustrated. "You don't understand! Draco, it's you! You're special to me. To us. You know me better than them. I come to you."

I shook my head. "I don't want you depending on me that much! I don't want you to give up if I'm gone!"

"That's not your choice to make."

"Like hell! You can't-"

"Hey!" Blaise interrupted. He grabbed my chin and turned my face towards his again. "We need you. You need to understand that Draco, we NEED you. Get that through your head!"

I almost argued, but I choked on my words when Pansy hugged my torso tighter. I felt her tears seeping into my white shirt.

I finally sighed, and begrudgingly agreed. "Fine. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Blaise mumbled. "Just- never forget that we care for you. We love you, okay? That will never change."

Theo tugged on my arm again, still intertwined by the elbow, and cuddled back into my side. Pansy rubbed her face into my stomach, not wanting to let go for a moment.

We all held each other until Pansy and Blaise complained about their knees being too sore from kneeling on the floor so long. I stood up from the couch, pulling Theo up with me, and gave him a long hug.

"I'm gonna go, okay? Just go for a walk outside. I'll be back."

Theo took a deep breath, and Blaise pat his shoulder. "Go ahead. We'll be waiting here. Come back before curfew, and please- maybe- do something to keep hidden. I don't want you being caught alone by those assholes again.

"I will, don't worry. And-" I leaned over and kissed Pansy on the cheek. "Thank you. All of you. It was easier- you were so calm."

Pansy pulled me back and gave me a few kisses all over my face, probably smudging her deep red lipstick on me. "I love you, alright? Stay safe. We can help. Always."

I just smiled at them all and slipped out of the big dorm-room door. I was headed for the lake. I needed a place to take a breather.

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ANNNNND we're finally in the present with harry. yay!

a quick note- in case you didn't understand what I meant with Theo's backstory, I'll explain it in easier terms.

Basically he's super insecure, and he doesn't trust that people love him, or could love him. So he pretends to be a massive douchebag to deter people away. (I totally made this up- bear with me. But he's rarely mentioned so-)

I hope you enjoyed! This was also a pretty long chapter, 2.3k :)