So very quickly before we get into the chapter, I want to give another important note.

As I've said multiple times before, If you have issues currently with mental illness, especially self-harm, I want you to tread lightly with books like these.

I understand that it can help with coping, but I have gotten warnings from other authors telling me that readers have taken what they've written, and copied the actions.

Right now, I'm being extremely serious with you guys. This book, under no circumstances, is to be used in that way. This is not some sort of weird romanticized instruction manual. When I started writing this, it was to cope with the horrible mindset I was in back then. I also read a lot of stories like this around then too.

I've left multiple trigger warnings both in the description and at the top of certain chapters. If you choose not to heed those warnings and continue on, that if your choice.

This book was NEVER intended to harm anybody. That is a disgusting thought.

Please, be careful.

~~~~~

I stared at the ground with Harry in front of me. I was about to steps backward to falling down the stairs, and I can feel his gaze burning holes into my forehead.

"So please," I huffed out, "talk to me."

After a moment of complete silence, I saw water dripping onto the floor between us, and then I heard a sniffle.

I looked up at him, and to my surprise, Harry was crying. His face was red and grimacing. Tears were flowing from his eyes like rivers. It was like he finally exploded and now he couldn't stop.

Dread filled my body. I'd never seen him cry. I didn't know what to do. I had no clue how to deal with my own emotions, let alone Harry's.

He staggered backward away from me again. I stared at him wide-eyed as he backed up against a wall and slid down it. He tried to hide his face in his hands and turned away from my gaze. He clearly didn't want me to see him like this.

Do I comfort him? Do I leave him be? I still want answers!

Before I asked him anything else, I picked up the crumpled note of the floor, making sure Harry was always in the corner of my eye and unfolded it.

Harry.

I can't do this anymore. I'm going to jump off the astronomy tower at midnight tonight. If you choose to read this, you can help me. I'd rather be anywhere but here.

-Draco.

I was fuming. My hands were shaking and I almost screamed. I crumpled the note back up and threw it further away. I was going to have a little talk with my dorm mates when I got back.

My attention was pulled back to Harry's quiet sobs from beside me. I looked back at him and my face softened. It's horrible to see someone like him broken down like this. It didn't feel right for some reason. Surely during the war, he cried, right? He's not an emotionless monster.

And yet, it still wasn't right.

Like those few days ago, the cold wind was biting at my pale cheeks and nose, making them red with the cold. I could see the cloudy night sky from the balcony. Somehow, not seeing stars made this all the more depressing.

My slow footsteps toward where Harry was sitting made him look up at me. I had to do a double-take. His eyes were bloodshot and completely red from rubbing at them, and his nose kept twitching every time he sniffled.

It was so different from his hardened, emotionless face. I got quite used to it, seeing his reactions to my jeers during our younger years.

I took a deep breath and sat down in front of him. I quickly picked my hands off the freezing floor and wiped them on my robes.

I noticed him harden his jaw while staring at me. He looked horrifically sad.

It couldn't think of a single thing to say. Honestly, I was still waiting for Harry's answer. But it didn't look like he was going to give me one any time soon. Or, so I thought. He started stuttering words that I could barely understand through the pain in his voice.

"I-I'm scared o-of myself." Harry's weak voice sent jolts of pity though me. I thought for a moment and then took another breath.

"Of yourself? Do you mean your emotions? Or-"

"I don't know. J-just mys-self I suppose." He took several short breaths before continuing. "I d-don't want to ruin anything."

"Ruin what?"

"My life."

"Your life? What do you mean by that? There's no possible way you could do that." I snorted. Nice empathy, genius.

"You." Harry spat out. He didn't seem to want to add anything else. Again, he was being impossibly vague. What does he MEAN?

"What about me? What do I have to do with anything?"

Another wave of grief took over his features.

"I-I want-" he stammered. The sadness left his face, and he looked angry again. "Merlin, you."

"W-what?"

"You! I want you so bad! I want to know you. I want to touch you! I want to kiss you!" He looked beyond frustrated. He avoided my eyes at all costs. He just stared at my lips. I was sitting a formal distance from him, but merlin all I wanted to do was snog him again.

"Potter I- we-" I stammered, "you know I can't."

He grimaced.

"Yeah. I'm sure you can't." He spat. I got angry for a second, but I held it down.

"But I.. I want to. And I think you know that too." I kept staring into his eyes, just waiting for him to look back at mine.

And somehow, I'm still not prepared for when he does. His eyes held more emotions than I could count. Bitterness, sadness, longing. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. He's hurt. And it's my fault.

I wasn't sure if I was waiting for his response, or if I just wanted to stare into his eyes for a little longer. The details of his green eyes jerk my feelings around every time I look at them. They're even more pronounced with the redness from his tears. I could look at them all day. I suddenly found a new reason I love the colour green.

"Who's stopping you?"

I really didn't know what to say. But only because I didn't have an answer. So I just stared.

To my dismay, Harry looked away, disappointed. I frantically tried to think of something to say. I just wanted his eyes on mine again.

"W-what about your friends?" I stuttered desperately. He didn't even move his head in the slightest.

"They already know. They don't care."

"They know what?"

"They know about me. They know how I feel. They've known for awhile."

I closed my eyes and willed my emotions to disappear. There really is nothing stopping me.

So why do I feel like I can't? Why am I scared?

"H-Harry?"

His head jerked back. He looked appalled.

"You said my first name..." he said, bewildered.

I blushed. I mean, it was my intention, but it was still weird to say.

"I want you too. You know I do." I chose my words carefully. "But I can't hurt you like that. I have too many problems. I can't."

"Draco I-" he cut off, surprised. "I don't care about that. If you need help, I can help you. Merlin that's what I've been trying to do this whole time!"

"B-but you can't. I'm not going to do that to you.

"Draco, we all have issues. We all fought in that war. And we all won.

"You won-"

"You know what side you were really on."

I whimpered.

"It's not just that. You know I have more issues. You can't help me. I don't want you to help me."

"Well, I'm going to keep trying until you let me." He looked determined. I teared up, and all my fears went away for a bit. I felt hope for the first time in years.

I stumbled closer to him on my knees and wrapped my arms around him. It felt euphoric. The smell of his shampoo filled my senses. It was intoxicating.

I pulled my face from the crook of his neck and looked him in the eyes one last time before I snogged him. And I snogged him hard.

I ran my hands through his hair while I felt his fingertips softly caress my face.

For once in my life, something felt right. Our lips desperately moved against each other as we struggled to move closer. He pulled my hips onto his thighs, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

We pulled away for air and stared at each other while panting. I had hot tears running down my cheeks and a huge grin on my face. I giggled nervously while looking into Harry's eyes.

Harry took a deep breath and flashed me a smile. He placed a soft kiss on my lips. He was caressing my sides while waiting for me to catch my breath again.

I'd never felt more free in my life. I never wanted this moment to end. I could sit here and kiss Harry for hours on end. And I knew he was on the same page.

I rested my forehead on his, and I could feel his breath on my lips.

I was safe.

~~~~~

Ok fuck I really like this chapter

Also, it's a hell of a lot longer than my usual ones so here we go FUCK YEAH

anyway so I have 20k reads the FUCK skdmksjd