i wake up the next morning to the sound of things clanging and being moved in the kitchen. i sit up and rub my eyes before standing up. after slipping on a t-shirt over my bare chest, i walk out of the room to discover pat in the kitchen, nose stuffed in a cookbook. there's bowls, pots and pans everywhere.

"morning." i raise an eyebrow.

he looks over the edge of the book at me. "hey." he seems to have gotten over being mad at me.

"what're you doing?" i ask and lean on the counter.

"trying to make something for mom when she comes home from work." pat sighs and puts the cookbook down. "anyway, what have you and your friends been up to?"

"nothing much." i shrug. "just, uh... i've been hanging out with tom more." i clear my throat awkwardly.

a sly smirk reaches pat's face; i'm confused. "yeah?" he hums and rests his chin in his palm.

"..yeah."

"why's that?"

i shrug. "i don't know. he's just nicer."

"i see." pat's smirk doesn't disappear. he plays with the pages of the cookbook almost smugly.

"why do you look like that?" i narrow my eyes, starting to get pissed off. my voice raises a little. (i told you i had anger issues).

he looks at me. "like what?" he's playing dumb.

"like a fucking idiot!"

"tord, relax. i just think you're spending a lot of time with your new friend." pat tilts his head. his honey-colored eyes bore into me. i glare at him and lean away from the counter. i cross my arms and dig my nails into my skin. "it's only been a few days, tord, and i don't think you've ever taken interest in someone that easily before."

i feel my face slowly turn pink with realization. "wh- it's not my fault!" i snap.

"tord..." pat frowns. slowly he says, "he's different, isn't he?"

i suddenly feel tremendous pressure on my head, so i pull my hair in both directions and shut my eyes. "it's not my fault i might be gay!!"

the words are out before i can even comprehend them. my eyes snap open again and i stare at the ground in shock. i feel my brother's pitiful gaze on me. i hate pity.

all of a sudden something breaks inside of me and tears start spilling uncontrollably. i mumble a small "leave me alone" and run off to our room, slamming the door. i throw myself onto my bed and shove my face in my pillow. it's not true. it's not true. it's not true. the tears won't stop.

the door creaks open and pat's footsteps get nearer. my bed dips as he sits on the edge of it and wraps his arms around me.

"it's okay, tord." he whispers. "you're still my little brother." i clutch my pillow tightly and hold back a sob. he continues holding me comfortingly.

"my friends will kill me if they find out." i say quietly, voice muffled by the pillow.

"i'll kill them first." pat runs his fingers through my hair just like how mom used to do when i was younger and got hurt. "you don't have to tell them."

i sniffle and nod. "okay. th- thanks."

"of course. now, i should start cooking. just know i'll still love you as my brother no matter what." pat ruffles my hair and walks out.

when he's gone for sure, i roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. am i really... i can't bring myself to think it again, much less accept it. this is all tom's fault. i've barely known him for long, and he's confusing me like this.

with a sigh i make myself get up again and head into the bathroom. i splash cold water in my face and stare at myself in the fingerprint-ridden mirror above the sink for a couple moments. i scowl in disgust and turn away, angrily leaving the bathroom.

"are you okay?" pat asks as i stomp towards the front door. it's a stupid question, but i just nod, throw open the door, and leave.

when i reach the bottom of the stairs and leave the stairwell, i spot yanov, paul, yuu, and edd across the street at the picnic bench. i reluctantly cross over to them. "hey guys."

"hey." edd's the only one who greets me.

"we saw you with that fag." yanov immediately says, looking at me with a prying glare.

my blood runs cold; i knew it was him, goddamnit. i narrow my eyes. "what are you talking about?"

"edd's uncle's farm? yeah, well, me and paul saw you walking away with some kid." he spits near my feet and i struggle not to punch him. everyone's staring at me.

i raise my chin defiantly, holding my ground. "he's not a fag. he's just some kid i met, and we're friends." i cross my arms and glare at paul. "what do you care?"

"you're supposed to be part of us." paul hisses. yuu stays as silent as ever and edd avoids eye contact. fucking wimp.

"seriously? i'm not abandoning you-"

"you've been leaving to see him." edd mumbles under his breath, suddenly finding interest in the ground.

"what? you guys are still my best friends, he's just some chill kid i happened to meet." i'm aware that i'm probably starting to sound a little desperate now.

"then bring him here," yanov growls. "we want to meet him if he's so 'chill.'"

i stare at him, not knowing what to say.

"yeah." paul agrees. he turns to look at edd and yuu. "right?" the both of them nod.

"i-i, uh.." i stammer, fear coursing through my veins. i swallow hard. "okay, fine. later i'll bring him."

yanov smirks. "good."

before anyone can say anything else, i turn and walk away with quick strides. i'm stressed enough so i want to see tom again.