"Jess, are you in here?" 

Jess had ignored Doug's knocking on her bedroom door and now he'd opened it. 

"What's going on?" he asked with concern, and she could tell he was walking closer to her.  "Why are you in bed?"

"I don't feel good," she mumbled from underneath her blankets. 

After Marty had walked out of the cabin, she'd collapsed on the floor and cried for a long time, long enough that both fires had gone out.  When she'd finally been able to get up, she'd pulled on her coat and staggered home, barely aware of anything except the terrible pain that consumed her.  As soon as she was in the house, she'd gone straight to bed and pulled the covers over her head.

"Aren't you coming down for dinner?"

"No." 

"But – Jess," Doug said with shock.  "It's your birthday.  We got you a cake."

It was her birthday?  Marty had left her on her seventeenth birthday, she realized, and a fresh wave of tears came as the pain in her heart increased. Had he remembered it was her birthday when he came to the cabin to destroy her life and just not cared?  Or had he lost track of the days like she had. 

"Are you going to get up?" Doug prodded gently, and she swallowed a few times, trying to get in control.

"I'm sick," she finally managed to choke out.  "I'm not coming."  There was silence while she cried quietly, the tears soaking into her pillow.

"Well, if you're sure," Doug said uncertainly.  "I'll be back to check on you later.  I'll bring you something to eat, alright?"  She didn't respond, and after a hesitation she heard him walk away and close the door. 

Turning her head into her pillow to muffle her crying, she sobbed as grief overwhelmed her once again.  She couldn't bear the pain.  It was as if a part of her had been cut off, and everything inside of her was aching from the loss. 

 "Are you awake?" she heard through a haze, and her mind came into focus.  "I brought you some stew from the other night."  Why couldn't Doug leave her alone, she wondered as the terrible pain returned.

"I don't want it," she muttered.

"Jess, you have to eat," he reasoned gently.  "You need to take care of yourself." 

"I'm not hungry."  She heard him sigh.

"I'll leave it on your table, in case you get hungry later.  Okay?"

She kept quiet, knowing there was no point in telling him she wouldn't eat it.  He'd just insist on leaving it anyway.

"Good night, Jess."

She waited until she heard the door close before she began crying again, despair following her into a night of desolate sleep.

"You didn't eat your stew!"  Jess stirred under her covers.  "Why didn't you eat it?" 

"I told you I wasn't hungry."

"Pull the covers off!  I want to see you," Doug insisted.  When she didn't move, she could hear him step closer.  "If you don't do it, I'm going to pull them off for you!"

She uncovered her head, but kept her eyes closed.  There was no point in letting him see how much she'd been crying.

"Jeez, Jess.  You don't look so good."

"I told you I was sick!"   She began to pull the covers back over her head when his hand stopped hers, and she blinked here eyes open in the early morning light. 

"You didn't even put on your pajamas," he observed worriedly. 

"I was cold," she lied.

"Are you going to get up and eat something?" 

"I'm not hungry."

"That's it!  I'm going to stay home today and take care of you."

"No!"  The last thing she wanted was Doug hovering over her all day while she was grieving.  Especially now that she knew he was in love with her.  "I'll eat," she said, sitting up.  "I promise!"

"Well, okay," he conceded, clearly not liking it.  "But if you need anything, call me at the office.  I mean it, Jess!" he added when she turned her head away. 

"I will," she muttered, but she had no intention of asking him for anything.

After Doug left with his father, Jess wandered down to the cold, empty kitchen.  She stood in front of the open ice box for the longest time, unable to decide on something to eat.  Finally taking a bottle of milk, she made a bowl of cereal but when she sat at the table with it, all she could do was stare at it. 

He's gone, she thought forlornly, and wiped the new tears as they came.  What was she going to do with herself now?  For over three years, Marty had been a part of her every day existence.  In many ways, her life had revolved around her visits with him.  He'd been a constant presence, keeping her company so she wouldn't die of loneliness over the summers, and doing homework with her every day during the school year.  How was she going to go on without him?

Taking the still full bowl of cereal to the sink, she poured the milk down the drain and then dumped the soggy cereal in the trash before heading back to bed.  Before Uncle Jonathon and Doug were due home, she took a bath and dressed, then warmed up some leftovers for dinner. 

"I'm sorry you were too ill to celebrate your birthday yesterday," Uncle Jonathon said as he entered the dining room.

"Yes, sir," she mumbled, keeping her head down.

"But as they say, better late than never!  This is for you."  He was holding out a wrapped present and she took it from him, then glanced at Doug.  He was behind his dad, looking at her with concern.

While they ate, she was grateful Uncle Jonathon spent most of it talking to Doug, and she kept her attention on the food she was pushing around her plate while she pretended to eat.  At the end of the meal, Doug brought out a chocolate cake.  She was dismayed to see the candles on it, but she went through the motions of blowing them out, even though she had nothing to wish for.  By time she was unwrapping her present, she felt like she was barely hanging on.

"A record player – with batteries!" she said, trying to sound excited.  "Thank you, Uncle Jonathon." 

While he cut the cake, she swallowed hard, looking at it and thinking about how much she and Marty would have enjoyed having music at the cabin.

"Jess, you don't look good," Doug said worriedly.  "I think you should go to bed."

"Um, maybe – you're right," she said, knowing they could probably tell she was close to crying.  By time she was in the hallway, the tears were falling.

~

"I wish Annie was here," Doug said quietly while they were eating cereal and toast for their Christmas breakfast.

"I do too," Jess agreed mournfully.  She been desperately missing Annie during the long days she spent alone in the big house.   

Uncle Jonathon grunted in assent, getting their attention.  "It's been too long," he said while frowning at his coffee cup.

"I love the big breakfast she'd make on Christmas morning," Doug said wistfully.  "And the turkey dinner we'd have Christmas Eve." 

Mrs. Lindstrom had sent over a ham and enough cooked vegetables to last them a few days, but it wasn't the same.  Annie was the heart of their home, mothering all three of them.  And if there was one thing that Jess desperately needed right now, it was a mother.

"Well – I guess we should open presents," Doug suggested with a sigh as he stood.

Surrounded by books, records, clothes and a bottle of White Shoulders perfume, Jess realized that Annie had bought all her presents before she'd had to leave to take care of her sister.  The only present she was sure had come from Uncle Jonathon was the eight millimeter movie camera, film projector, and movie screen on a tall stand that Doug had received.  It was exactly the kind of over the top gift he'd think of for his son.

She felt self conscious when Doug opened the presents she'd gotten him.  Over the years, she'd chosen things she thought Donna would like, and this year was no different, a soft argyle sweater and a bottle of cologne.  Now she wished she'd gotten him the same fancy fountain pen she'd bought for Uncle Jonathon.  Knowing how he felt about her now, her gifts seemed too personal.  Was this one of the reasons why he'd fallen in love with her?  By misinterpreting her gifts? 

"You didn't open my present to you, Jess," he said quietly, holding out a small box.  She'd been avoiding it ever since she'd seen it under the tree, dreading what it might contain.

Taking it from him, she slowly tore the paper off.  Her stomach sank, seeing the small velvet box and lifted the lid with trepidation.  Inside was a silver filigree heart shaped locket.  Did it contain his picture? 

"Go on, open it," he urged, looking excited.

She carefully removed it from the box, and then pried it open with her fingernail.  When she saw the two small images, she had to blink hard as tears came to her eyes.  On either side were small photos of her parents looking very young, younger than she was. 

"That's your mom at thirteen and your dad at fourteen, the year they met," Doug explained. 

It was the same age as she and Marty had been when they'd met, Jess remembered, the thought immediately making her even sadder.

"Your mother moved into town that year," Uncle Jonathon said.  "We hired her father to work as a scientist for the mine.  Bill was quite taken with her."

"Thank you," Jess said quietly as she quickly wiped her eyes and struggling not to embarrass herself by breaking down completely in front of them. 

"This is the second part of your present," Doug said, handing her a larger wrapped gift.  "I guess I shouldn't call it a present since it belonged to you anyway."

"A – a yearbook?" she asked looking up at him after she'd pulled the paper off. 

"It's your dad's high school yearbook from that year.  I found it in the attic and had someone from the office make copies of the pictures.  I didn't want to ruin it by cutting them out."

"Oh," she said, not sure what else to say, turning the pages until she'd found the sophomore class pictures. 

While she looked at her dad's boyish face, she considered how much effort Doug had put into his present.  It was an unbelievably thoughtful gift, the kind of thing someone would do for the person they loved.  He must have had it done before she'd rejected him, but he'd still given it to her.  Was he hoping this would make her fall in love with him?  While he helped her gather the torn wrapping paper so they could throw it away, she avoided his eyes, and then spent most of that day in her room playing records. 

When the shadows grew longer, she reluctantly went down to the kitchen to heat up their Christmas dinner.  Doug's somber mood seemed to have returned, and she feared it was triggered by her less than enthusiastic response to his gift.  She kept her head down while they ate, not wanting to see his sad blue eyes.  While they were eating leftover birthday cake for dessert, Doug laid down his fork and cleared his throat. 

"I, uh, I've got something to tell you," he stated grimly, and Jess's heart rate picked up.  She knew what wasn't coming wasn't going to be good, and she suddenly feared he was about to confess his feelings about her to his dad. 

"What is it son?" Uncle Jonathon prodded.

"I'm not going back to college, dad." 

"Why, that's wonderful news!" Uncle Jonathon exclaimed while Jess's mouth dropped open with shock.  "This is the best Christmas present you could have given me, Douglas!  Why did you wait until now to say it?"

"I've been thinking about it for – a while," he said, frowning at his plate.  "It just seems the right thing to do." 

"It certainly is!  I've been waiting for you to come to your senses," he said jovially, and Doug grimaced briefly.  "Now you can take your rightful place at the mine!"

"Thanks, dad," he said, looking up at him with a pained smile, and then turned his attention to Jess.  "Uh, are you done?  I'll help you clear the dishes."

"Oh, okay," she replied, knowing he was looking for an escape.

Once they'd cleared the table, Jess thought he'd leave, but he stayed in the kitchen while she ran hot water to wash the dishes.  She kept her back to him, not knowing what to say.  She felt terrible for the decision he'd made, but she worried what had made him change his mind.  Was he staying home in the hopes she'd fall in love with him if he was around more? 

"Want me to dry?" he asked, stepping beside her when she began scrubbing plates. 

"Alright," she said, even though she didn't want him to.  As he dried and she washed, she kept her attention firmly on what her hands were doing, but the tension between them was thick. 

"I hate that things are – different between us," he said, after several minutes of silence.

"I can't believe you gave up your dream of going to college, Doug," she said bitingly, no longer able to hold back what she'd been thinking.

"I didn't feel like I had a choice," he muttered.

"If you did it because of me, then you made the wrong choice!"  He looked up at her with surprise while she glared at him, and then his expression changed.

"Yes, I did it because of you!  But it's not for the reasons you think!" he challenged.  "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't abandon you, and I'm not!  We don't know when Annie is coming back and I'm not going to leave you alone with my dad."

"You think he's going to try and hurt me again?" she cried, turning to face him.

"No, I don't think that!" he insisted quietly.  "And keep your voice down."  He checked the doorway to the butler's pantry before leaning closer to her.  "I know the two of you don't get along, and I think it's best for me to stay here, in case there's a – disagreement." 

That sounded to Jess like he was worried his father was going to lose control with her again.  But when she considered it, she realized he was probably right.  Her uncle had lost his temper with her on numerous occasions.  Even though he'd been making an effort to be nicer lately, it was probably going to happen again. 

"I had a year and a half of college," Doug continued contemplatively while he picked up a sauce pan to dry.  "That's plenty, and maybe – maybe I'll get to go back next fall.  Annie is bound to be back by then."

Uncle Jonathon will never allow it, Jess thought, but didn't say.  She felt sad for him.  Next fall he was going to be stuck in his job while she was going to be the one who was at college.

~

While James drove her to school the first day after the holiday break, she felt relieved she was finally out of the house.  It was the first time in two weeks she'd have someone other than her uncle, Doug, or Dorothy Lindstrom to talk to.  School was just what she needed to be distracted from the pain of losing Marty. 

"Jess!  Jess, wait up!" she heard Louise shout when she stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the building, and she turned with a smile. 

"How's it going?" Louise asked happily, bounding up to her.  "Did you have a – a good Christmas."  She hesitated with a frown as she studied Jess, and Jess gave her a tight hug, partly to avoid the concerned look in her eyes.

"It's going okay.  I got sick over Christmas.  How about you?"

"Oh, that's a shame.  I had a good Christmas.  You'll never guess what!" she said excitedly, her eyes lighting up.  "Harold asked me to go steady!"

"That's – really wonderful!" Jess said, forcing her smile to remain, but inside she felt the familiar grief return.  "You're really lucky," she added more quietly.  Her family hadn't cared about Harold's social status during the months he'd taken her out on dates, only that he was a good person who treated Louise well. 

"Awe!  Don't worry Jess!  You'll find that special someone too!  He's out there somewhere."

Thank goodness the bell rang at that moment, and Jess looped her arm through Louise's so they could walk inside side by side.  She knew Louise meant well, but her insides felt like they'd been ripped apart and she didn't want Louise to see it on her face.

 She was grateful they had almost no classes together so she could go through her day without having to pretend everything was normal, because everything had changed.  Painful memories of Marty were everywhere.  Not only was she constantly remembering the times she'd seen him in class or walking in the halls, but when she opened her notebook to take notes in her first class, it hit her that she was no longer taking notes for both of them.  Instead of helping her forget her pain, school was full of grim reminders of everything she'd lost.

By time the last bell rang, she was ready to go home so she could climb back in bed.  With a wave to Louise, she hurried towards James who was waiting for her at the open door.  As soon as he'd closed it behind her, she slumped back against the bench seat.  Laying her head on it, she looked forlornly out the window at the other students' happy faces.

As James pulled out of the school parking lot, she decided that when she went to college, she'd choose somewhere as far from town as possible.  Maybe she'd go back East, back to her hometown of New York City.  There were several good colleges there, and even though she would have memories of her life before her parents died, it wouldn't hurt nearly as much what she was going through now.   Perhaps that would finally help her forget about Marty.

Just as she'd thought his name, he suddenly appeared, riding his bike out of an alley.  He turned and pedaled straight towards her while James was stopped at the intersection of the two lane highway, waiting for traffic to clear.   Seeing his familiar handsome face, his cheeks just turning pink from the cold air, she was suddenly filled with longing, but he didn't notice her.  His attention was on the basket attached to his handle bars which was filled with several packages wrapped in white paper.

When he finally lifted his head as he approached the car, Jess saw recognition and shock come into his beautiful brown eyes.  He braked hard, skidding to a stop and making some of the packages fly forward and land on the sidewalk between them. 

He remained perfectly still, staring at her with wide startled eyes, and Jess held her breath, waiting for – something.  Was his heart pounding in his chest like hers?  Was he happy to see her, like she was to see him?  Was he filled with longing – regret – guilt – pain – sadness?  Was he going to do something?  Would he at least show her what he was feeling? 

And then James pulled out onto the highway and accelerated away.  She wanted to cry out for him to stop, but she kept quiet.  Twisting to look out the back window, she was filled with disappointment.  Marty had his back to her, picking up his fallen packages. 

If that's what was most important to him after seeing her for the first time since he'd told her he didn't love her and shattered her heart, then it was clear he didn't care.  It's really over, she thought, and faced forward as a fresh wave of grief overwhelmed her.

****

A grim chapter for Jess as she comes to terms with what's happened.  What do you make of Doug's behavior around Jess and his decision to quit college?  Do you think he told Jess the truth?  And Uncle Jonathon is treating Jess the nicest  he ever has, unfortunately a bit late.  And finally, a small glimpse of Marty at the end.  Is it really over, as Jess thinks?

THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading, voting, and commenting.  I'm truly astonished by all of your support and how much you care about these characters.  Many of you are rooting for Marty and Jess, and maybe an equal number are hoping Doug will get a chance.  I personally love all of them.  No favorites on my end!

If you enjoyed this, please consider supporting it with a vote!  The picture is Ricky Nelson aka Doug.  The video is Patsy Cline's I Fall To Pieces.