Episode Two, Part 5:
Some Nights

Some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again. 

Wynn woke up exhausted in a bed that was a little too cold for him; a little too empty for him to have found any sufficient rest. He peeled his eyes open, reaching out to his right side to feel Sol, but she wasn't there.

He didn't need to look far, quickly noticing Sol sat by the window once again, clutching onto warm cup of drink in her hands as she gazed outside, only looking over when she heard him get up. 

It was still dark outside, but the lit fireplace on the far wall did enough to light up the room, helping Wynn make his way over towards her, sitting down on the spare seat, not knowing what to say. If anything, he was just trying to prepare himself. Whatever she was about to confess, he knew his heart would feel wounded and beaten up because of it. 

"You been up for long?" He asked, gradually looking over at her. 

"I never fell asleep," she chuckled at herself, shaking her head slightly as she set her cup down on the table beside her. "You've only been out a few hours. I'm sorry if I woke you." 

"You didn't," Wynn shook his head, not wanting her to find another thing to blame himself for. He woke up because he knew he was alone, or that Sol needed him. Like when you set an alarm to make sure you get up in time, but your body wakes itself on its own because it knows something important is waiting. 

"So I guess we should talk about it, now," he offered, almost finding that he was wanting to get it over and done with. "If you're ready." 

Sol nodded, taking in a deep breath as she searched her heart to figure out where to start: her leaving, what it was like in The City, what it felt like coming back...  

"Be honest with me, Wynn. There's a lot of questions you want the answers to, don't you? Like how I figured out where you were going that night, or how I convinced Rhea and your dad to take me instead." 

"Yeah," Wynn said. "And how long they made you wait before... Before they put you out of your fear and took your memories away. And if it was as torturous for you as the process was for Elara. I saw her struggle with the aftereffects of the serum for months before it stopped; I know we were told that it was because she didn't complete The Alteration, but I always wondered if that was what it was like for you, too." 

"It wasn't," Sol assured him. "I remember the process of getting my memories wiped. Every time I was conscious for a few seconds, Chessca was there, holding onto my hand, telling me everything was going to be alright. Even though when it was done, I didn't remember any of that, I think my heart just kinda knew that she was different than everyone else. That I could confide in her. That's why, when I first found out I was the Commander of their City, I made them vow not to hurt her. I clung to her without hesitation, or even knowing her name, and I refused to let go of her until I knew that she would stay with me." 

"They all listened to you? Just like that?" Wynn asked. "Chessca told us that Rhea made you believe you had always been the Commander, but Targo knew that wasn't true. Did they just accept it, or did they know the truth about The Alteration?" 

"I don't know," she said. "I've been meaning to ask Chessca that, myself... I think they probably knew. Riders knew, so it would have been a risk for some of The City to know where I came from, and for others not to. Whatever it was, Rhea always had a well-thought-out story at the ready." 

"W-what about my dad?" Wynn asked. "I mean, you killed him. Why?" 

Sol sat up in her chair, swivelling around to face him completely as guilt began to consume her, clouding her tired eyes with oceans. So much had happened in the past few weeks that Kane was the very last thing on her mind, and she hadn't actually considered what it meant to Wynn, Quill and Elara. 

"Wynn, I'm so sorry," she murmured, reaching over and grabbing onto his hand. "I did it when I wasn't myself. It was when Kodiak and Dreea found me; I thought they'd just killed Rhea, but Kodiak couldn't bring himself to kill Kane. I don't know why I did it. I remember asking myself that question afterwards, but it was just a gut feeling: I knew I had to make sure he was dead - that he couldn't put us all in danger. Maybe it was like when my memories started to come back, only this was more of a feeling. An instinct I guess... I never meant to hurt you." 

Wynn shook his head, placing his hand over hers and smiling a little, feeling a stray tear roll down his cheek. "I meant to say 'thank you,'" he said. "I don't think I would have been able to do it, even after what happened to Ares. And I know how freaked out Quill and Elara were after they heard him at the refuge; who knows what they would have been like if they actually saw him? It's better now that dad's dead." 

"That's another thing I haven't been able to get out of my mind," Sol said. "Ares." 

"Ares," Wynn hummed the name back to himself, managing the faintest of smiles before biting it away. He knew they were going to talk about what happened to him. 

"None of us saw it coming," she said, "and I know it felt like you didn't have a proper chance to grieve for him because Targo were still around at that point. But then you made a deal that not only meant that you would forget all about him, but Quill and Elara would lose you, too? I couldn't wrap my head around that. I still can't. That's why I knew I had to be the sacrifice because it was better if you lost me than losing everything else." 

"Losing you will never be the better option, Sol," Wynn looked down, moving his hand off of hers. "And it wasn't any different than what I would have felt if I did lose everything.. But I knew the choice I was making. You should have let me go." 

"This is what I'm talking about," Sol sighed. "We haven't faced any of our fears. We haven't owned up to our choices or what they meant for each other. All those feelings from the night I left are still there, aren't they? Hell, I bet you've shut everything out about Ares because you were waiting for me to come back." 

"I know he's gone," Wynn said. "I know he's never coming back. I have dealt with it; maybe not in the same way I would have done if you were here, but I still dealt with it. I did it on my own." 

"...I'm sorry that you lost me as well. Days after your brother. I'm sorry the world has forced you to know all this suffering. You don't deserve it." 

"And you do?" Wynn asked, knowing what she was implying, knowing that she thought the burden was hers to carry alone. "Sol, neither of us deserved any of this. We should have been together a long time ago. You should have never been taken and Ares should have never been killed. And neither should Jonas have been. You didn't get to grieve him either," he said. "I know that's what's hurting you." 

"You're right," Sol breathed out. "I came home to everyone, but he's still gone, and I wonder if I was better off not remembering him at all... Right after we convinced your dad that Elara was dead, we all thought it was over. We thought we'd get to come home and break apart of those we lost, but we didn't. I didn't, and it's all catching up to me now." 

"Sol-" 

"What I have now isn't the same as never having my memories taken in the first place; it's like they're more vivid than ever and I can recall almost anything in detail. They're stronger if that makes sense. It means that I remember every second of the car ride through the DeadLands, what it was like to watch you collapse as they took me away, what it was like to spend the next 12 days believing that I'd never see any of you again and that I was essentially going to be killed because the Riverly I am wasn't the same Riverly that was going to wake up. It feels like a part of me died, Wynn." She told him. 

"I know everything they made me forget - each time they put me through The Alteration again. I remember when you showed up with Kodiak, or that night with you in the forest, and how after they found me and brought me back to the medic range, they had already figured out that you were the ones who had taken me. I felt I was just getting you back, and then they stole you away again, and they told me..." She drew in a shaky breath, her eyes burning with tears as she relieved it. "They told me they were going to take my memories away again, and I when I woke up, Chessca would be dead... I begged them to kill me instead. If Chessca died, I wanted to as well, but then they knocked me out and I knew that when I woke up, I wouldn't even remember her to be able to grieve her. But I know it all now and that grief that I never got to go through?" She asked. "Because the next time I woke up, I still knew her? Well, I feel like I have to face that now, even though I know she's fine. I feel like everything I lost is only just hitting me, but it's all at once. That's what I've been trying to tell you." 

"I understand how you feel. I think a part of me died with each person from the Bunker, even Lyra, even my mother," he said. "But until it kills us for good, we just have to keep going-" 

"No, I can't," Sol screwed her eyes shut, almost in pain. "What I just said - about remembering what it was like to watch you fall to the ground as they took me away - I can't get that out of my head. You've had months to deal with that, I've had the equivalent of two weeks!" 

"Hey, Sol," Wynn took hold of her hands, determined to find a way to calm her down. "It's okay. You're here now. You're safe." 

"What was it like for you?" Sol asked. 

"What?" 

"What was it like to come home without me?" Sol whimpered, wiping harshly at her eyes. She hated people seeing her cry, and even though Wynn had been the exception, she hated it now, too. 

"It doesn't matter. It won't make you feel any better." 

"I don't need to feel better, I need to process everything," Sol exclaimed, abruptly forcing herself up from the seat and beginning to pace around the room. "Just tell me, Wynn. I'm exhausted of being kept in the dark." 

"Fine," Wynn caved. "It was hell. Okay? Everyone was miserable. I barely said a word in days. I pushed Quill and Elara away. Aeryn said it was like I was catatonic." 

"But you took my place... What was that like for you?" 

"I was your Nominated..." Wynn stood up, searching for confirmation that she was angry at him for becoming a Sovereign. That's what his heart was telling him. 

"I know," Sol said. "I made the right choice, but I never thought I'd actually need a Nominated. I'm sure you never even imagined that one day you, the boy from the Bunker, would be in charge of Basilisk." 

Wynn dropped his head, letting out a sharp breath, not sure if he was smiling or frowning. "Every decision I've made as a Sovereign, everything I've done these past 9 months, I always did it for you. I always hoped that if you could see me, you would have been proud of me." 

"Wynn," Sol murmured, hurrying over to him and carefully setting her hands on either side of his face. "I am proud of you. For everything. I could never put it into words, but you're the one who brought me back; you're the one I remembered; you're the one who saved me." 

"Then why doesn't it feel that way?" He asked. "Why does it feel like I've still let you down? Or that I can't say what you need me to tell you to make everything okay?" 

"Because there are some things that words can't fix," she said. "I'm one of those things." 

"You're not broken, Sol," Wynn exclaimed, wishing he was the one with the strength to be holding her, not the other way around. "You don't need to be fixed." 

"I do. Whoever you think you see in me, I'm sorry, but you're wrong." 

"Hey," Wynn shook his head, grabbing onto her hand and holding it against his cheek. "I see you and I see my best friend. Just as screwed up and messy as me, which is why I don't care about any of those things you're holding against yourself." 

"Well, our people care," Sol turned away from him, wrapping her arms around herself. "Have you not noticed the way they all look at me? They think I betrayed them, Wynn. They think I betrayed you, Dreea and Kodiak. It's clear as day that they haven't accepted me back." 

"You're their Nobel. How many times have you put your own life on the line to keep them alive? To do what was best for them? You've saved them every time and they know that." 

"They don't. I miraculously came back at the same time as Blood Riders? Of course, they're going to put two and two together. Think about it... What would your first thought be if you were in their situation?" 

Wynn hesitated, not because he would have given an answer that confirmed her fears, but because he knew that regardless of what he said, there was no changing her mind. 

"You're too stubborn," he said to her. "And you've got it all wrong. You belong here; our people need you; I need you." 

"...You're different," Sol said. 

'I know', Wynn wanted to tell her. 'I know I've changed so much, but when I'm with you, I feel I'm just myself.' 

"I had to be," he answered her. 

"We're not who we were 9 months ago, Wynn. This life you brought me back to doesn't have a space for me-" 

"Yes it does," Wynn was adamant. "Dreea, Kodiak, Atlantis, Joren, Chessca - we all need you around. We have no direction without you. No solid ground." 

"I just feel like it's best for everyone if they don't depend on me as much." 

"Sol..." 

"I died underneath you, Wynn," she reminded him. "I came back, but I hate to think about what you'll be like if I die for good one day, and you won't know how to let me go. So I've got to do it now." 

"What?" Wynn whispered, shaking his head in refusal, feeling his breath quicken in his chest. "You don't mean that." 

"I do. I've been trying to say it for days now, but you wouldn't let me and the timing was never right. But Harlow's back now, the alliance is still on; I know you'll be fine." 

"Sol, in case you can't remember, my brother is barely speaking to me or Elara at the moment, and Hannah's here trying to take him away from us. You're my anchor. I told you that. I need you." 

"I'm sorry. This is for the best," she tried to convince him. "So whatever we are, as much as I don't want to, we have to be honest with ourselves. We can't take it any further. It's just... Over." 

"Sol, I... I don't understand where this is coming from? I love you, okay? I know I haven't said that since we were in The City, but I've been too afraid to. With everything that's going on with Quill and just getting used to you being here... I know it's no excuse, but I mean it, Sol. I love you." 

"I know." 

Sol couldn't say any more. She couldn't tell him that she loved him too, because it would only make it impossible for him to let her go. She couldn't give him any comfort or any words of affirmation, only assurance that his love for her didn't go unnoticed, even though she knew she didn't deserve it. 

Two // Part Five
I love you.

I had such high hopes for their conversation and I do not like how I've written this. Big sad energy. But I'm excited for what this will mean for them and their roles in Season 7!

This was sitting in my drafts for a day because I needed to figure out if I hated it completely, or not. I was so tempted to rewrite the whole thing, but this is 3000 words, so that's not gonna happen.

17/07/20