Episode Two, Part 4:
Some Nights

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had 
about you and me. I'd call you up, but we'd both agree: 
It's for the best we didn't listen. 

Kodiak gripped tightly onto Harlow's hand as they began moving through the forest, not sure if it was for the young boy's safety or just assurance that they were all safe... For the meantime. 

He didn't bother radioing the others; he knew they weren't far away and he was too shaken up to trust his voice not to break, hurrying to pull himself together before the others found him. 

"Bas!" Harlow called out, parting from Kodiak's side and sprinting over towards his big brother who, at the recognition of his voice, turned around immediately. 

Bas leaned down with open opens, embracing his brother and lifting him off the ground as he reached him; one hand around his back, the other holding his head tight to him, too afraid to let go. 

"Are you okay? I was worried sick!" The older boy exclaimed, unable to disguise his tears as they streamed down his cheeks without any sign of stopping soon. "Where were you? What happened? Are you hurt?" 

"I-I don't know," Harlow answered, catching his breath as Bas set him on the ground, still held by his shoulder. "I woke up and Sovereign Kodiak was there." 

They both turned to face Kodiak to fill in the blanks as Wynn and Elara made their way over, each embracing Harlow in their own moment of relief. 

"I don't know, either," Kodiak said, unable to come up with something. "I just moved past the clearing and he was there." 

"This doesn't make any sense..." Bas muttered, looking over at Wynn to share his confusion. 

"He's probably in shock," Kodiak said, trying to salvage the narrative he was coming up with. "That'll be why he doesn't remember how he got out here. We should take him home and get him to Aeryn ASAP, just to check him over." 

Bas nodded, trying to push away the uncertainty as he let Harlow climb onto him for a piggyback ride home, but it was clear that fear was weighing him down. 

Out of instinct, Elara came over to his side, lacing her hand through his as they began to follow Wynn's lead back to camp, and although her comfort was just what he needed, all he could think about was what Hannah had said to him: one wrong move and his world would come crashing down. 

////// 

It was nearing on to 2 AM by the time everyone made it back, and although they were all mentally exhausted from worrying about Harlow all evening long, most of them found that they were unable to get any rest. 

Wynn was struggling to get comfortable in his bead, constantly finding himself tossing and turning to try and find some comfort, but it was hopeless. After what felt like ages of trying to grow tired, Wynn eventually sat himself up on the edge of his bed, whipping his shirt off after how hot all his movements had made him. 

On the bed across from him, Quill rolled over, clearly disturbed by all the noise he was making. 

"I'm trying to sleep over here," he groaned, hoping his brother knew that he was keeping him awake. 

"That makes one of us," Wynn smiled to himself, mumbling a quick apology his way before he moved over towards the door, set on leaving, but he hesitated. 

"Night Quill," he said, knowing he was still awake and hoping to get something back from him. But Quill simply rolled over again, pulling his blanket over him in a huff and burying his head under the pillow, almost adamant on not listening. 

It ached Wynn's heart a little, but he tried not to overthink it, blaming Quill's attitude on his evident exhaustion - which had only been made worse by him. 

He shut the door behind him, bypassing the next the 2 rooms until he reached one at the end of the curved hallway, relieved to see the glow of a flickering light shining through the cracks in the doorframe. He knocked gently, moving inside after a few seconds to find Sol sitting by the window once again, finding himself wondering how long she had been that way for. 

"Hey, you alright?" He asked, leaning up against the floor-to-ceiling railing attached to the end of her bed. 

"Just thinking," Sol sighed, quickly returning her gaze back out of the window. 

"I tend to find you like this a lot lately," he observed. "What are you thinking about? Everything okay?" 

"In my room in The City, I had these stunning windows that could have easily been four times the size of me. I'm sure you remember; they were stained-glass at the top," she said, "and it would create this orange hue to the room as the first light began to pour in each morning. It made it always look like it should have been warm in there, even though it wasn't. It was a very empty bed, empty room, and the only peace that seemed to send me to sleep each night was knowing that Chessca was safe and sound in the little annex right off the wall behind my bed. She was always up before me, and she'd push the chairs away from the fireplace to in front of the windows, and we slowly watch The City wake up. There were hundreds of people... My people... But the only person I had was Chess. I guess I'm still trying to remember that I have a little more now, and that I did before all that, too." 

"You have a lot of people, Sol," Wynn began, moving halfway across the room with the intention of standing behind her, smoothing his hands over her bare shoulders, but she was up in an instant, walking straight past him as she sat on the foot of her bed. 

"I'm not talking about our numbers. That clearly doesn't matter, but you do - to so many people. I like to think I proved that you meant a lot to me when I wounded up in that cave in the DeadLands with you," he chuckled. "And if you believe that, then you'll also figure out that it means the same for everyone that came to The City for you. Well, a little more for me." 

Sol knew what he was trying to say, but she pushed away all the feelings from it. She wasn't strong enough to let them in. 

"I'm glad they found Harlow. You guys must be so relieved." 

"Yeah," Wynn nodded. "Thanks to you organising us where to go." 

Sol shook her head, frowning like she was offended. "Kodiak found him, Wynn." 

"I know, I-" He stuttered a little, not understanding why she was so defensive. "I'm just saying you helped, too." 

For whatever reason, it was clear that Sol wasn't willing to accept what he was saying, so he knew he had to drop it before things grew out of hand. He wandered over to the opposite side of the bed, lingering until Sol finally looked up at him, curious what he was waiting for. 

"Can I... Can I be with you? I couldn't sleep in my room so I-" 

"Yes," Sol let out a tender laugh, not even waiting for him to finish before she gave in. 

Wynn bit on his bottom lip to contain the smile reaching his face, hurrying to climb into what he already thought as 'his side'. He laid down under her covers, pulling them just over the top of his dark sweat pants as he waited for her to fall down next to him. 

"Sol-" 

"I've been thinking-" 

"You do a lot of that lately. I can't keep up," he laughed. "Slow down or you'll leave me behind." 

"Wynn, I'm serious," she dropped her head, shifting her back slightly towards him as she tried to find the courage to say what was on her heart. 

Wynn propped himself onto his elbow, frowning in concern as he carefully reached out to her, resting his hand on her lower back. 

"I'm listening." 

"I just keep going back to it, no matter what's going on... Now that I remember everything, now that I know what we both did, I feel like I can't escape it. No matter what I do or where I look, I feel like it's all anyone ever thinks about me: that I left." 

"Is this about what you were trying to say earlier?" Wynn asked, feeling a lump form in his throat. He couldn't predict what she was going to say to him, he just knew that he didn't want to hear it. 

"I know you want us to, but I can't pretend it didn't happen. I'm stuck with every memory of Basilisk, and every memory of The City of Targo inside my head, and I don't which one of those people I am. I want to be that Sovereign version of me - who I was before I lost everything - but I don't know if I can be. Not when there's so much of me that I know as me being Commander." 

"You're Sol. That's who you are. Dare I say it, River, even..." 

"I don't like when you call me River..." Sol murmured, flashing a vulnerable smile down towards the sheets. "But I remember telling you to when I first saw you after all that time. I remember when Chess first called me 'Riv' and I told her that I liked that because I said 'no one's ever called me that before'... Do you get it? It's like I'm two people at once. Two, broken halves which don't match each other, and I guess I just feel empty... Empty like that bed in that room in that City, and that feeling won't go away. I can't ignore it any longer, Wynn." 

"Okay," Wynn interrupted her, not wanting her to continue justifying herself for fear that it would get the better of her. "I hear you. I do, Sol. But can we put this off until morning? Can I just lay here with you and pretend that everything's alright? Can we both just pretend for one more night because you and I know how long we've been waiting to be like this..." 

"Okay," Sol whispered back, not having the strength to stay and fight any longer. She wrapped herself under the covers, clinging tight onto Wynn's body as she nuzzled her head against his chest, hoping to be able to hide from all of her fears when she was with him, but they found her. They always did. 

Wynn laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling and realising that Sol had left the candle on in the far side of the room, illuminating it just enough for their intertwined shadows to dance all the wall beside them. He wasn't going to leave her side to turn it off, and he knew that Sol wasn't going to, either. It would just burn and burn and burn until the light went out completely. 

And it was funny... Just like in the memory Sol had replayed to Wynn, the flickering light should have offered him some warmth or protection, but even with her body pressed up against his, he found himself understanding what she had meant by feeling so empty. 

Two // Part Four
Slow down or you'll leave me behind.

I loved Sol's speech about the window scene. Her relationship with Chessca is definitely my favourite in the entire series (sorry Wynnverly). It's strange because the plan for the first 3 books were already done before I wrote book 1, and it was only as we were about halfway through book 4 did I come up with Chessca's character, and only by the end of that book did I realise what she was about to mean to Sol. ♡ I was going to make them romantic, but based on the way they were writing, I know Sol couldn't have turned down (not the right word for it) Chessca simply for the reason of her getting her memories back and remembering Wynn. She wouldn't have been able to choose between them both! And I can't remember what chapter I put it in, but I said that Chessca was one of her soulmates and that completely sums it up!

16/07/20