Episode Three, Part 6:
Not Like Falling Out of Love

I know I could have saved a love that 
night if I had known what to say. 

Kodiak hovered outside his door, trying to find the courage to walk inside and have the conversation that he knew was waiting for him. His forehead was pressed against the doorframe, his hand clenching tightly onto the handle, but it felt impossible to open.

Would she see right through him? Would she figure out that he was in a life or death situation and subsequently put Kodiak in danger by refusing to accept him shutting her out? Of all the questions running wild in his head, there was only one he knew the answer to: would his confession tear her apart?

Before anyone could see him and observe his strange behaviour, Kodiak hurried inside the room, already crushed by the look of relief on Elara's face as she realised it was him.

"There you are," she smiled, turning around in her chair. She set down her book on the desk, waiting to see what he would do before she moved anywhere.

"Are you feeling okay now? Did you have a chance to think about everything?"

Kodiak tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, but it wouldn't budge. "Uh, yeah," he said, knowing his answer would later come back to bite her. "Could we maybe walk for a while?" He asked. "There's some things I want to talk to you about..."

"Sure," Elara said, trying to hide the uncertainty etching onto her face, but Kodiak still noticed it. She hurried over to the wardrobe in search for something to keep her warm, breaking Kodiak's heart as she favoured his dark-grey hoodie over anything of her own, pulling it over her head so her red curls were bunched up by her shoulders, half-tucked into the hood and making her look like a dream in the eyes of the Sovereign.

She joined him in the doorway, instinctively lacing her fingers through his and tugging him out of the Quarters but within moments of the cold, evening air hitting her, Elara wrapped herself around Kodiak's arm, completely unsuspecting of what was to come.

They didn't seem to be walking with any particular direction, but they wandered near the campfire for extra warmth, noticing most people were already in their tents - probably tucked up for the night and sealed away from the dark night.

"What did you want to talk about?" Elara asked, comfortable with their silence but feeling as though Kodiak was holding off.

"You..." Kodiak said, coming to a stop and turning himself to face Elara. "And me..."

"Us?" Elara asked, squinting her eye a little. She was trying to be lighthearted as she spoke, still not picking up on the hints Kodiak was dropping, pinning it down to the anxiety he was dealing with.

"Yeah," Kodiak whispered, his voice full of breath as he dropped his gaze down to the ground between them.

"Kodi..." Elara said, waiting for him to tell her that she didn't have anything to worry about, but he stayed silent.

"Kodiak, what about us?"

The Sovereign looked up, hoping that the darkness would make it hard for her to see the tears glimmering in his eyes, but she frowned back at him, taking a step away and letting go of his hand. Instantly, Kodiak felt immense in a shiver, feeling as though Elara had been the only thing keeping him warm, not the shirt on his back or the fire burning beside them.

"Go on," she said. "Say it, then."

"Elara..." Kodiak breathed, not wanting her to make it harder for herself than it already was. He reached out for her - not sure if it was for his own comfort of for hers, but she held her hands up, refusing to let him hold her.

"Say it, Kodiak."

"I-I think we need some time apart," he said. "I do, I mean. I need to take a break from this. From us. I'm so s-"

"Don't say sorry," she cut him off, folding her arms against herself in protection. "Just tell me what I did wrong or what I did to make you feel like this."

"Ell, you did nothing wrong," Kodiak felt a wave of nausea consume him, threatening to buckle his knees and send him breaking down to the ground. He couldn't stand the thought of her searching for a way to blame herself, or worse - settling on a reason why.

"Of course I have, otherwise you wouldn't be standing here breaking up with me."

"I-" Kodiak caught himself, suddenly aware of the radio switched on in his pocket, knowing that Hannah would be listening intently. He couldn't tell Elara what he wanted to; he couldn't remind her that he would always be there for her, because he had to stay away.

"Okay..." Elara mumbled to herself, taken aback by his lack of challenge against what she had said. To her, it was confirmation that she was right: whatever had happened to male Kodiak want to leave her, it was her own fault.

"I really am sorry," Kodiak said. "You have no idea how much. But I just can't be with you. I'm looking out for both of us in the long-run."

Elara laughed under her breath, feeling pathetic for herself. Every dream she had of a future was built around him; having a family, a safe place to sleep at night - whatever it was, it was him. There was no future she was ready to walk into without him there; no version of herself she wanted to become if she didn't have Kodiak.

"I'm not going to try and change your mind," she said. "If people can just up and leave, they must have made their mind up a long time ago, and I know you always figure everything out in advance."

"Ell-"

"But whatever I did, I hope you know that I never wanted to break your heart."

"Believe me," Kodiak sighed. "I know."

"I'm sorry that I have, and I hope..." Elara chewed on her bottom lip, unable to look up at him as her voice softened in her throat. "I hope that you'll be okay soon. You deserve the kindest love this world has and I know it's out there somewhere, waiting for you."

"You deserve that, too," Kodiak whispered, licking the salty tears from his lips.

Elara shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as she met his eyes. "No, I don't. Not if I had a good thing like you and let it go."

Every instinct he had to tell her otherwise had to be buried away; he had half the mind to pull the radio out of his pocket and tell Hannah to activate the implant to kill him, knowing it would be less painful than hearing Elara say such terrible things about herself.

"I'm sorry it had to end like this. I didn't know how else to say it," he told her. "But the least I can do for you is tell you to take the room. I'll move in with Riv or Dreea until I figure something out. Riv made space in there for Chessca, anyway, and there's always a couple rooms in the basement level of the Quarters that we could turn into something for me-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Elara shook her head. "It's your room; you're a Sovereign and it's the Sovereigns' Quarters, after all," she reminded him, suddenly desperate for the conversation to be over with. She turned around and sat at the log right by her feet; it wasn't near enough to the fire as she would have liked, but at least it was hinting to Kodiak that he had his chance to leave.

"I'll talk with Wynn at some point and see if mine and MaReya's tent is still empty. I'll go there."

"No. You won't," Kodiak said. "I'm a Sovereign and I'm assigning it as your room and I'm telling you that it's where you need to sleep. It's an order, Ell..." He hoped that his statement would elicit some kind of response from her - make her look at him one last time so he knew she had heard him, but she didn't turn around.

"I'll swing by tomorrow to grab a few things," he continued. "But I'll wait until classes have started so we can keep our distance. Like I said, I think it's for the best."

Kodiak waited for a few moments before turning around and beginning his descent towards the Quarters. He made it a few steps before Elara called out his name - a recognisable urgency in her voice.

"Wait!" She stood up, pulling the sleeves of Kodiak's jumper over her hands as he looked back at her. "There's just one thing I need," she said.

"Anything," Kodiak took a step closer towards her, hoping she could still see the depths he would go to for her.

"Can I have the ring back?"

"The ring?" Kodiak frowned.

"Yes," Elara nodded. "The one I gave you a while ago... It was Fabian's: I told you that when I gave it to you, but he's my family and I'd like it back now that you don't need it."

Kodiak's world came crashing down around him, his heavy head dropping as his gaze fell down, realising that she was talking about the promise ring she had given him, tied around his neck ever since. The one that was supposed to mean 'forever'.

He didn't respond, nor did he make any movements to indicate that she could have it, so Elara took control. She stepped in front of him, reaching both her hands around his neck and beginning to unclip the chain, hovering millimetres away from his chest the entire time. She brought the necklace into her hands, already slipping a finger through Fabian's ring as she tucked the chain into her palm. Just as the Sovereign thought she was ready to leave, Elara rose to her tiptoes, pressing one hand against Kodiak for balance as she leaned forward, delicately pressing her lips into the side of his cheek, lingering there for what they both knew was too long in the face of such heartache.

'I'm sorry. I love you. So much,' it said to him, but as she pulled apart, returning to the log facing away from him, she would never realise that he was the one who needed to say those words more than either of them ever would.

Elara held onto her breath until she could hear Kodiak leave, eventually seeing him out of the corner of her eyes as he made his way into the Quarters. She knew she should have given him his jacket back that she was wearing. It was only fair if she was asking for the ring back, but she couldn't find the strength to let go of him completely, even though she had done her best to make Kodiak believe she had. It went beyond the coldness of the air as she sat alone outside, and it was about not having the heart to go into his room and take her clothes out from where they were tangled beneath his. She wanted to know that she could still feel his warmth clothing her if she needed to; in case she never got the chance to feel it again.

///////

Wynn was sitting at the chair at the foot of his bed, watching what little life he could see outside of the small window in his room. If it wasn't for the burst of moonlight that broke through his open curtains, he would have been sitting in pitch blackness - not able to see a thing. He hadn't moved from his seat in a good hour and he had felt too miserable to do something as mundane as lighting the candle to give him some light. He was just waiting; waiting for some company; waiting for someone to listen.

After what felt like hours, Quill finally returned to their room. Wynn didn't know where he was spending his days. He knew that Quill wasn't attending all of his classes; he had missed several defence lessons since returning from The City, as well as a couple classes on survival skills, but Wynn didn't want to say anything to him about it. In fact, he didn't want to talk about anything that they had been narrowly avoiding for so long: Hannah, what it meant for their relationship, why he would barely look at him anymore...

The only thing in the world Wynn wanted that evening was his brother back, and he didn't mean Ares.

"Hey," Wynn breathed as Quill shut the door behind him, deciding to wait a while before he turned around and gave him his full attention.

He could see Quill nod his way, acknowledging that he heard his greeting, but he stayed silent.

"Can I-"

"I'm tired," Quill mumbled, interrupting before Wynn could even finish speaking.

He laid down on his bed, pulling the blanket over his shoulder and turning to face the wall. Wynn knew he was just trying to avoid him; whenever he woke up - which was always before Quill, his brother was always facing his direction as he slept, mouth open and all.

"I don't want to talk about Hannah or anything like that," Wynn said, sighing heavily. "I just need to talk to you. Not Kodiak, not Dreea, not Sol," he flinched at her name. "...You."

"Maybe in the morning," Quill said, his breath almost silenced as he spoke against the pillow. There was an evident heaviness in his voice - like he was regretful that he wasn't already sitting up and there to listen to Wynn all night if that was what he needed, but he couldn't face him.

"Please," Wynn begged, dropping his face in his hands as he leaned down in his seat. "I need my little brother."

"I can't be what you need right now, Wynn," Quill said. "I can't be anything. I'm sorry."

Wynn bit harshly on his bottom lip, trying to distract himself from the pain pounding inside of his chest, ripping him apart piece by piece. He wiped his hands under his eyes, not caring how harsh he was towards himself, and moved towards the door. In a world where it felt like someone always had to leave, tonight, it was Wynn.

He took a step outside, leaning in the way of the door before it could close, and gazing over where his brother was laying.

"I love you," he said, waiting for any sign that his words meant something to his brother, but there was nothing. No movement, no sound: just nothingness.

Unable to be the cause of his own breaking heart any longer, Wynn turned around and left Quill alone in the room along with 2 other empty beds, wondering if he would ever hear the same thing said to him.

As he disappeared down the hall in search for somewhere to sleep for the night, he had no idea of the tears soaking through the pillow below his brother's head, each drop a desperate plea but silent for him to stay. 

Three // Part Six
You deserve the kindest love this world has.

Oh, my poor heart. Sorry to all the Kodara shippers and Quill/Wynn stans. Season 7 truly is a rough ride for you guys. Does it get better?  I'll leave you guessing.

BTW IN MY AUPAIR GROUP IN SERBIA (there's about 30 of us all quarantining together in a hotel) THERE'S A GIRL NAMED ELARA WITH US. IT'S SO COOL! I GET SO EXCITED WHENEVER I HEAR HER NAME! I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE WITH HER NAME BEFORE, BUT NOW I HAVE!

09/08/20