Episode Three, Part 4:
Not Like Falling Out of Love

Chessca patted the now vacant seat beside her once everyone had left, scooting closer towards Dreea so there was more than enough room for Sol to sit down. She came over, collapsing into the space and sinking deep into the cushions, waiting until Atlantis had perched herself upon the low table in front of them to begin. 

"When did this happen?" Chessca asked, rubbing her hand along her arm for extra support. 

"After everyone came back from the search for Harlow," Sol admitted. "I tried to talk to him before that, but he put it off. I thought it was the right time, but now that I know how bad things are for him with Quill, I feel like I've made everything worse." 

"Hey, none of this is your fault," Atlantis said, nodding along with the others as they all agreed with her statement. "I think we're just confused about why this has happened," she explained. "You two are like... Perfect for each other." 

Sol looked up, seeing her sister offering a calming smile, hoping that all she needed was just a little reassurance, but it wasn't enough. 

"It's not the right time," Sol told them. 

"For what? To love someone?" Dreea asked. "Riv, I think you and Wynn deserve this more than anyone," she emphasised, doing her best to convey her abundance of emotions she could feel building inside her chest. A heartache on her behalf. 

"He thought he was never going to see you again, and you had to sacrifice everything you knew about him... Look where you are now. You're home and there's nothing that's going to separate you from each other. What's not right?" Dreea continued. 

"I guess it's just like Quill said: we're all different people than who we were before I left," Sol sighed. "I mean, he's a Sovereign now! I know that the meeting we had was just to spare my feelings; you guys don't need me anymore. Not in the same way as you used to." 

"Yes we do," Atlantis was adamant about it, tugging Sol's hands closer towards her as she held on tightly. "Basilisk survived without you, but it's when you're around that everyone feels like they have a place in this world. All of us, me especially, need you here, River." 

"Yeah, and I saw how much you loved him," Chessca murmured, capturing Sol's attention. 

The Sovereign was confused at what she was referring to - not recalling much time in The City when her, Chessca and Wynn were all in the same room. How could she know from such little time what Wynn meant to her? Was it really that obvious? 

"In your memories," Chessca clarified. "When I was taking them - both times - he was always the one you tried to hold onto." 

"...He was?" Sol wasn't really surprised - she could remember thinking about him more than anyone else on the ride through the DeadLands with Targo. She thought it was because of the anger burning inside of her at how Wynn could have ever planned to leave, the betrayal she felt because of that and the inner struggle to forgive him in time before she forgot him completely. But the more she thought about it, it was obvious: she loved him long before she lost him. 

Chessca nodded. "You've been different since you've come back," she said. "I can't speak for what you were like before I knew you, but even the River I had in The City was different than this one. Something's been bothering you; you're hiding it away from us, and you shouldn't. We're your family, after all, and you're the most important person in each of our lives. I know that's true." 

"Chess is right," Dreea said. "As nice as it is to look across the room and see you there, and tell myself that I never lost you, the truth is that I did. You're not the same as all those months ago, but that's okay. you don't have to be the same. People are supposed to change." 

"Change also means moving on," Sol let out a deep breath. "I thought Wynn would have done that by now; I thought all that time would have healed him from what happened to Ares, or that he'd come to accept what happened to me, but he hasn't. He hasn't healed at all because he was waiting until he brought me home... He hasn't healed because I left him." 

"It was hell for him," Dreea said. "I can't deny that. Losing his brother very nearly broke him apart, and it did for a while when you left, too." 

Sol didn't want Dreea to say anything else. She wanted the conversation to end there so everyone would understand that it was where her heart was stuck: she left Wynn and it destroyed him. There wasn't a fraction of her that felt as though it could be justified in any way, or that she deserved it to be. She was trying to take accountability for her actions, but it seemed that she was the only one who hated herself because of it. 

"But it made him stronger." 

"Dreea-" 

"I know he didn't ask to be stronger; not at the cost of Ares' life, but he is, and no matter what you're trying to tell yourself, he does love you, Riv." 

"I know he does," Sol ached, desperate for them to  believe her after everything she had already said. "And I... And I love him, too." 

It was the first time she had ever said it to anyone. Of course, there were plenty of other ways she had conveyed the message across to Wynn, both before she left, and after: I need you, I don't see you as an endurable loss, you're my best friend... But she knew that it didn't mean half as much when the only person she should have been saying it to was the further away from her. 

"But, like I said to him, it feels like these 9 months have all happened within a week or so. That memory of the night I left? It might as well have been yesterday because that's how everything feels. I need time to figure out who I am now when I have the memories of who feels like an entirely different person inside of me. I can't expect anyone to love me when I don't even know which version of myself I am on which day." 

"Well, I've known the Commander Riverly, and the Sovereign Riverly," Chessca said, wrapping her arm around Sol and pulling her head close to her chest. "And I love both of them without any hesitation." 

"Thanks, Chess," Sol whispered, smiling tenderly against her. Some nights it felt like she was the only person in the world who knew her - like she was a part of her soul - having seen every corner of her memories and every life she had lived within this one. Perhaps just having even one person who understood a little bit of the tragedies her heart had known, was a blessing all on its own, and with Chessca, Dreea and Atlantis surrounding her, Sol felt that maybe there was a way back to who she had once been. 

"Now, before I say anything more that I might regret in the morning," Sol chuckled, sitting up from Chessca's hold, "There's something else we need to discuss: the earthquake," Sol said. "How you suspect it could be building up to another one," she looked over at Atlantis, eager to change the conversation. 

"That's right," Atlantis sighed, recalling the stress that she had previously pushed aside to focus on her sister. "Where do I even begin..." 

"Well, as exciting as this sounds," Chessca interrupted, pulling herself out from between Sol and Dreea, moving to stand behind them both, "I'm going to bed. This day has been exhausting," she laughed, leaning down to kiss the top of Sol's head as she bid her goodnights, wondering if there would ever be a day where she wouldn't feel so strange to sleep in her own bed without the comfort of knowing Sol's was right around the corner. 

"I'll see you later in the tent," Atlantis waved, smiling along with the two Sovereigns as they all watched her leave. 

Chessca spun around as she reached the door to the Quarters, hugging herself tightly as the cold, midnight air hit her bare arms. She kept her head low as she walked the newly familiar path towards her tent, every now and then having to remind herself that she wasn't in The City of Targo anymore and that all the people around her weren't waiting for a chance to get her alone so they could harm her. But, just as she banished the thought from her mind, someone appeared on the path in front of her. 

Chessca stepped aside, moving so her back was brushing up against the wall of the Quarters to allow the other person to pass, but they only followed her there.

"...Can I help you?" She asked, confused, trying to make out the face of the person in the dark. 

"...Hannah?" She squinted, not sure if the recognition made her relieved or more anxious. What was she doing out there? Why was she standing so close? 

"If you're looking for Quill, I-I don't know where he is. And I can't get you inside of the Quarters-" As her instincts to defend herself kicked in, Chessca was left vulnerable to the quick actions of Hannah as she raised her hand up, pulling on the young girl's neck so she was bent over, and injected an implant into the back of her head before Chessca could even process what was happening. 

The young girl gasped in pain, stumbling away for a few seconds, ready to run, but Hannah activated the implant before she could take another step. 

"Let's see how useful you'll turn out to be..." 

Three // Part Four
People are supposed to change.

Not liking my writing for this book at all???? Also, by the average chapter, this book should be a total of around 90,000 words when it's done, but it feels so short? I guess that's the downside to breaking my word count with the previous book by 50,000 words. Every book I write is going to feel short in comparison to THAT.

Less than 1 week until I leave!!!

02/08/20