Episode Three, Part 2:
Not Like Falling Out of Love

Last night I was sleeping and I had a dream that
you were still breathing and living like me. 
I wish you could be here, just for the evening. 

Quill felt a complete lack of control for his emotions. It seemed that no matter how he tried to approach things, or how hard he tried to distance himself so he wouldn't get hurt, he always ended up with a pounding, gaping hold in his chest. 

He didn't mean to lash out at Wynn, but how was he supposed to know what to do when it seemed like he and Hannah were on either side of his shoulder, trying to be the one to persuade him? He didn't want to have to pick a side, he didn't want everything to be so divided, but it was clear that was how things were playing out. 

Not wanting to be around either of them at that moment, Quill turned to the one person who he knew would just listen to him; the one person who could give him advice without being caught up in the middle of everything: Aeryn. 

He hurried into the medic tent, swatting all the rain off of his jacket once he was under shelter, and timidly looked around for Aeryn. Thankfully, she wasn't hard to find - sitting behind the desk in the centre of the 50ft long tent, tucking away her paperwork as she noticed him. 

"Quill, hey," she murmured, moving around to meet him halfway. "You okay?" 

"Yeah, I just-" Quill stuttered, too nervous to make eye contact with her, but he cut himself short, already lost for words and not sure how to explain his reason for being there.  "...No. I don't think I am." 

Aeryn frowned a look drenched in sympathy his way, grabbing onto Quill's hand as she led him over to one of the vacant beds, encouraging him to sit down. He crossed his legs underneath him, facing Aeryn directly as she sat with one leg folded, the other dangling off the edge. 

"I don't mean like, sick, or anything," Quill told her, worried that she had got the wrong idea about his answer. 

"That's okay," she said. "Here at Basilisk, we have the best shrinks - me being one of them," she joked, pleased with herself to see her earn a smile from Quill. "I like to think I can be a good friend, too, and so I know when something's bothering someone that I love... Talk to me, Quill. I'm here for you." 

"I thought I knew who I was," Quill told her, keeping his head low as he focused on their hands, still joined together. "Mum died a long time ago, and even though dad only died the day we left The City, it felt like we lost him a long time ago," he said. "I had Wynn, Ell and Ares and we didn't need anyone... But then Ares died and Wynn was completely miserable for months after we lost him and River. I feel like all of us are different people now, and..." 

"And you thought that when River came back, everything would go back to how it was before," Aeryn searched, not needing to dig deep to figure him out. 

Quill nodded miserably, sighing and sinking further into himself. "I stopped thinking about Hannah years ago; the only memory I still had of her was her leaving me in the Bunker, and I don't know why it matters, but I feel like I have to find out who I was before she left." 

"Quill... If you're asking what you did to make her leave you..." Aeryn stumbled for a moment as Quill's drizzling, blue eyes met her's - a confirmation that it was what was weighing him down. She had to hide her own breaking heart away for his sake. 

"I don't know her, but I know that getting you inside that Bunker is what saved your life, and if that never happened, you wouldn't be here today with all of us." 

"Maybe that's how it should have been..." 

"Quill-" 

"Maybe everything that's happened is proof of that," he said. "Maybe we shouldn't have decided if Hannah came with us to Basilisk, and instead asked ourselves if I should have stayed in The City. That's why Targo kept coming here and ruining everything: because it was the world's way of punishing me for avoiding my fate... And if I was there, with Hannah, and not here, then Ares would have never have been killed-" 

"Quill!" Aeryn tugged on his hands, sharply jolting him and gaining his attention. "Don't ever say that again!" She warned him. "None of that's true, and I know for a fact that Ares would be kicking himself if he knew you were trying to take the blame for him dying. It was your dad who was the root of it all, not you." 

"I wish he was still here... If I was just a little bit tougher; if I stood up to my dad, then I never would have joined that march with Targo, messing up the whole plan, and we would have reached Ares in time." 

"No. You couldn't have changed anything. That's not how fate works." 

"Wynn and Elara should be grateful that Hannah's here. It'll give them the space they need from me. Think about it; Wynn would have had his own room in the Bunker; he was the youngest, just this sweet little kid, and then he had to make room for me, giving up half of everything because I had nothing without him. I was forced into their life. They didn't have a choice but to accept me then-" 

"They didn't 'make room for you', they welcomed you home. And it doesn't matter how you came into their life. You're their family." 

Quill shook his head, bitterly rejecting their words. "I'm not though, am I?" He said, his lip trembling as his twitching eyes could no longer keep his tears inside. "I'm the black sheep... You look at Wynn and Elara and you know they're family. Well, who am I? I'm nothing like them. And Ares... I just worry sometimes that he's not as much a part of me as he is with Wynn and Elara... I'm scared I'm forgetting him, but I know it's the same thing: I didn't look like him.I'm not a part of him. I look like Hannah... And when I'm with Wynn and Ell, I feel so out of place nowadays." 

"Do you feel like Hannah's your family? Is that what you're saying?" 

"...No. I don't know," Quill told her. "I feel like I'm not made to belong to someone. It's just me." 

"I don't have anyone either, in that sense," Aeryn told him. "I have none of the family that you're talking about: no parents, no siblings... But I still have a family - Fenn, the Sovereigns, and you guys." 

"It's not the same. You know what I mean." 

"There's no one way to have a family. Some people have a mum and dad; some have a step-mum; some have no mum; some have two... Some of us are families in different ways," Aeryn said. "Take Kodiak, River and Dreea for example: they're a family, but they don't share the same blood. They don't even look the same, but no one thinks about that. That's how it is for you and your siblings, Quill; you're not just family, you're their brother. Adoptive family is real family." 

"I still meant what I said, though," Quill wiped under his eyes. "They should make the most of this opportunity and not let me burden them. You can belong somewhere for a long time and then suddenly not belong there anymore." 

"What you said about Ares..." Aeryn was delicate, not knowing how else to get her point through to Quill that he mattered to Wynn and Elara. Maybe that was something they'd have to confront head-on. "If you ever feel like you're forgetting him, all you need to do is look in the mirror." 

Quill frowned, wondering if she had paid attention to anything he had just said. 

"You're growing up to be so much like him," she smiled, moving her hand to brush through his dark, wavy hair. "You're just as brave and fearless and determined as he was. And, with all that time in the Bunker together, you've picked up on a lot of his mannerisms," Aeryn observed. "The way you glance around after you tell a joke waiting to see if anyone laughs so you know it's safe for you to do so; how you pull on your ear when you're nervous, or how you bite your lip when you're thinking too much." 

Aeryn took a deep breath, tilting Quill's head up so his eyes met hers. "I know you wish he was here, but he is with you," she murmured. "I can see it: he's such a tremendous, noticeable part of you. I hope you see that, too, someday." 

For the first time in a long time, a sincere glimmer of happiness appeared on his face, but his quivering lips and tear-stained cheeks made it hard to see that clearly. He knew he would never be able to tell her how much her words meant to him; he always worried that he would wake up one day and realise that he had forgotten so many details about Ares without even knowing it had happened, but she gave him a hope that it wasn't possible when a part of him lived on inside of Quill, whether they were joined by blood, or not. 

He gave one more wipe under his eyes before pushing himself to his feet and inhaling a deep breath, but as he turned to leave, Aeryn caught onto his hand. 

"Hey," she said. "You were a part of Ares, too. Just ask Fenn; he can recall all of the stories Ares told him about you two in the Bunker... But you don't need to worry about this anymore. Once you love someone, they never leave you completely, no matter who they are or how long they've been gone for. Love is always forever. That's what makes it love." 

Three // Part Two
Adoptive family is real family.

Honestly, I am not liking this book at all...

26/07/20

PS: Sorry if updates are slower than usual; I know I usually get out 4-5 chapters a week, but that's not gonna happen for this book. I'M MOVING COUNTRIES IN LESS THAN 2 WEEKS (FOR THE 5TH TIME IN MY LIFE) ON MY OWN. Just a little terrified and there's a lot to do!

But don't worry, I'll still be updating!  I can't wait to get closer to the end of this book (the build up to S8 is gonna be an emotional rollercoaster)!